Letting go of control has been a very hard thing for me to learn over the years. I rarely mention it anymore because it’s rarely an issue, but many years ago I was diagnosed with OCPD – Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. This is not the same as OCD, but it’s related. I don’t have rituals or compulsions, but I had serious control issues and a lot of anxiety stemming from it. Plans were very important to me. When I first started dating Denis I remember crying in the car a few times because our dinner date plans changed. I look back at it and it seems quite ridiculous, but at the time I just couldn’t let go, and I couldn’t adapt. I haven’t dealt with that for a long time – apparently infertility, IVF, losing a child and then having a live one really does wonders for adjusting your world view and making all the small stuff seem like, well, small stuff. I think I am a much different mother now than I would have been 5 or 6 years ago. I am also a lot happier since I’ve been able to just let things go and accept life as it comes.

So here’s the big “but”: there is a part of me that has been trying to control this baby’s labor from the start. It seems kind of bizarre to me because I don’t recall having this issue when pregnant with Kate. Yes she was born before her due date, before I really expected her, and that certainly made it easier to avoid the wondering and waiting around. This one for some reason is really bringing back out my old planning habits since the time I found out I was due on Kate’s birthday. At first I was upset to be having the girls born in the same month, I felt that was unfair to them. I got used to that idea but definitely didn’t want them born on the same day. Then there was not wanting odd number days and getting upset about getting closer to June. Now it’s June, I’m having to adjust to that, but there’s that countdown to induction that is stressing me out.

Now this is all entirely ridiculous. Obviously she’s going to be born when she’ll be born and it won’t matter in the end at all. I do want a good birth experience, but I have no idea how this one is going to go. All along I’ve been thinking that once the contractions start coming it will give me focus and I’ll be able to slip into my meditative labor state and let it all go – which may very well be true.

I’ve been thinking that all this unnecessary stressing could be one of the reasons my body isn’t going into labor. And even if not, it’s certainly not very helpful to be stressing. This is not how I wanted to spend my last weeks of pregnancy. I’m letting all kinds of external, irrelevant thoughts get in the way of focusing on what’s important. Ember will come when she is ready. I need to give up control. I need to talk to her and let her know that I am ready. And if I do get to Thursday I need to believe that my body (and mind!) will handle it.

Last night I downloaded the HypnoBirth track Come Out Baby. Its focus is on relaxing your body and mind and releasing control. I listened to it last night after I got Kate to bed but I was so tired I fell asleep halfway through! (That’s one reason I like having some meditation scripts – they calm my thoughts and let me actually fall asleep!) I’m not expecting it to put me into labor suddenly, I just wanted something to focus on, something to center me and help me to let go.

My body is telling me it will be soon. After having no signs of impending labor for weeks I have started getting little crampy twinges down in my cervix, and some of my braxton-hicks have felt stronger. Yesterday I also had contractions roughly every 10 minutes for an hour or so, but they stopped when I took a walk. The walk felt fine for a little bit, then my belly started hurting and I barely waddled home; I had to lay down for a while to let the ligaments ease off. So things do feel a little bit different. Just nothing obvious, nothing major. I’m going to stop looking at calendars, stop thinking about Kate’s and her cousin’s birthdays, stop thinking about events and Den’s work schedule and try to just start living inside my head, present with my body and my baby.

Now here is where it all gets interesting, doesn’t it – at least in terms of the hospital model. I knew we were going to discuss plans today and schedule some testing and such. My appointment was at 2:45. It was a midwife I’d never seen before. She was very nice, but didn’t feel as warm and chatty as all the ones I know. She said the normal plan at 41 weeks is to go for a NST the same day, a NST and BPP (bio-physical profile ultrasound) half a week later, and then an induction at 42 weeks. I’m totally fine with the NST and BPP, but I am really not thrilled with walking in for an induction at 42 weeks just as a matter of course. I asked if I had to. Short answer: no, but highly recommended and she’s going to make the appointment anyways. I ended up also making an appointment with the midwives for next wednesday, and she scheduled an induction for thursday. I’m not saying I would absolutely refuse it, I just want to see how the testing goes and talk to one of the midwives first and decide then, not now.

Then the NST. *sigh* Well I had a bunch of NSTs when pregnant with Kate, but those were early morning pre-scheduled appointments. This was not. I really don’t know what was up with the whole thing, but I had to fill out paperwork and answer a million questions that they usually ask on hospital admittance (when did you last eat, what meds are you on, do you have any of the following diseases, and on and on). I was also asked to change into a hospital gown, which had me perplexed. (A later nurse seemed surprised to see me in a gown for a NST and said the nurse who took me in worked nights, where everyone does actually get into a gown, so that explained that.) I waited and then got hooked up to the belly monitors. It was supposed to be for 30 minutes, but over an hour later….

Then it took a while to wait for a midwife to come look at the strip. I liked this midwife a lot more than the one I had for my appointment, she actually chatted with me, acknowledged my prior loss and my desire to avoid an induction and epidural and such. She asked if I wanted my cervix checked (since at the appointment it hadn’t been brought up) and I said yes. I am approximately 1cm and 50% effaced – a definite change from last week. She looked at the heartrate strip and said it was almost perfect, all the things she wanted to see were there and normally she would just release me, but just because of my history and her wanting to be extra cautious with me she was going to send for an ultrasound to check my fluid levels. Just to be extra sure.

That meant more waiting. But finally someone came to do the ultrasound (on a very fuzzy machine) and we saw that there is indeed a lot of fluid around baby Ember. Her heart was beautiful, her position is great, and… she was sound asleep. (I could have told them that – she was active for the NST and then after me laying down for several hours she zonked out in there.) It took quite a while to get her awake enough to do some practice breathing. But finally she did rouse and she scored perfectly and I got to go home.

Well, after getting changed and waiting to sign papers before leaving. I finally left at 6:30. That’s nearly 4 hours for a quick appointment, NST, and ultrasound. I was quite hungry.

What I learned is that triage is not the place where people move quickly (unless there is an emergency, I assume, but I was certainly not an emergency). This makes me quite nervous for when I’m in labor. It’s also not really a nice comfortable place. You’re in a pod with other people in labor (or other complications), with a shared bathroom. When I contract I have to pee. How am I going to sit on monitors and run to the bathroom every contraction? With the back of my gown open, of course. I really hope I can get in and out quickly when I’m in labor. Laboring at home sounds like a much nicer plan. (Homebirth is sounding like a better and better option. And no, it’s not on the table for us.)

In any case it was a learning experience and I know what to expect a little better. They were all very nice, though. But there was such a feeling of due process there. That’s what wigged me out. I was written on the board, I was hooked up to machines, I was asked all the same questions as everyone else. It is not a place for humming and meditating and moving freely about the room, not at all. (My first labor, in a hospital L&D room, was very different. Well, it was very different for many reasons, but privacy and quiet was a pretty big one!)

In any case the end result is that Ember herself is doing fabulously in there and hopefully, hopefully, will be coming very soon. I would very much like it to be before Monday and another triage experience, but most certainly before next Wednesday and Thursday when I’m going to have to deal with some tough decisions. (Though, like a commenter said, at this point it would probably take very little to push me into labor, so by 42 weeks it probably wouldn’t be a horrible experience – no guarantees, though.) I just really want to go into labor, that’s all. Nice healthy, normal labor, on her own time, in her own way.

Edit: Also wanted to add that the midwife I saw in triage checked baby’s size and position (by feel). Baby’s head is super low and appears to be in good position – I believe she is LOT, for those of you who know what that means. Everyone around me says I’m still carrying high and need to drop, but she’s down. Because of how low her head is the midwife said she couldn’t get a great feel for her size, but she thinks around 7 lbs (like Kate was).

Den got the A/C units put in today and OH what a fabulous relief that was. I took a nap in my cool bedroom and it was blissful to not wake up covered in sweat. Our living room isn’t exactly cool, but it’s cut down on the humidity considerably along with dropping the temperature a couple degrees, to the point where it’s not totally obnoxious and I feel like I can function again. So hooray for air conditioning!

Every day for the past two weeks I’ve gone to bed thinking “Maybe this is it! This could be my last night!” I give Kate an extra kiss and cuddle, I make sure the dishes are all washed, I double-check a couple things around the house. And then I wake up still pregnant. I think I’m to the point now where I’m like, “Yeah yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow. Not like I’ll be going into labor or anything.” I had been getting nervous about labor, wondering how it was going to go, fretting about it being more difficult than my previous ones. Now I’m kind of all “I just hope it comes so I don’t have to discuss inductions or anything.” Which honestly is probably a good thing, labor goes better if I am calm and relaxed, not anxious and excitable.

Now I’m going to lay down in my air conditioned bedroom and try to meditate and fall asleep! Maybe tonight I’ll actually get a full night’s sleep… if Kate cooperates. She’s been all messed up from the parties… she’s been getting very tired in the evening and either being overtired and running around or going to bed too early and waking up running around. Then instead of sleeping in she’s up too early, crashes early for her nap, and the evening is a mess again. I need to get her back to sleeping normal hours at night so I know what to expect! And, you know, so I can get enough sleep.

So it is after midnight, which makes it officially Tuesday and me 41 weeks pregnant. I can’t say I’m all that excited to see this particular milestone. We’ll never know when I would have gone into labor with Devin, had he lived, though I was prepared to go overdue, being my first and all. Kate too, I was prepared to go overdue but had her in the week before my due date. So who would have thought that I’d be going past 41 weeks with Ember? Not I, not I.

The problem right now is that we are having a heat wave this weekend – hot and muggy and of course BBQs to go to. Den has been taking most of the toddler-chasing duties, but I still was getting food for us, trailing along after, chatting with family. It’s not as if I ran a marathon. Hell I sat most of the time. But my feet? Still pretty pissed at me. Just standing to do dishes make them hurt like they did after an 8 hour shift working at Subway (way way back in the day). I am hot and sweaty. And the amount of energy left in my body is approximately none. Kate asks me for something to eat, meaning I have to get off the couch to get something, and I kind of want to cry a little. I just want to stay laying down. Forever. With my feet up. And it would be really great if I could do those things without Kate jumping on me. Mommy is NOT a trampoline.

I do feel considerably better now that Kate has been asleep for a couple of hours, but there is no AC installed in our bedroom yet so I’m kind of roasting. I have no idea how I’m going to sleep tonight.

My interactions with people I don’t see very often quickly go from amusement when I tell them my due date was last week to annoyance when they ask when my induction date is. Because clearly no one goes past 41 weeks without setting an end-by date, right? They may be scheduling an ultrasound or non-stress test, which is fine with me, but induction is still not in my horizon. At some point the baby will trigger labor. It’s just a matter of waiting. (And it really shouldn’t be long now!)

Of course I am not exactly having any pre-labor signs. No coordinated contractions (and even the braxton-hicks are still random throughout the day and pretty infrequent), no cramping, no losing my plug or any of those other things people say. So unless you count getting very cranky as a pre-labor sign I’ve got nothing. I am still waiting for this one to start with a bang. (Hopefully not with my waters breaking, though.) I just hope to wake up in the middle of the night in full blown labor. That would be great.

Not only has this been a lesson in patience, but it’s also a lesson in how some things in life can’t be planned. Every day that went by would be, “Oh, May 18th is a great day.” “May 24th is a nice number.” “May 25th?” “How about the 28th, that would be good.” Okay so now we’re past the 28th. In fact we are looking squarely at June, something I didn’t even consider. (Which is only bugs me because the girls have a cousin whose birthday is within the first few days of June.) My plans? Clearly irrelevant. I swear everything about this pregnancy has been contrary to my plans and expectations. I ought to expect that by now. So yes. A lesson on letting go of plans and expectations, to be certain.

But baby? You can come out now. Please?

So… no signs of impending labor at all. Every morning Den asks how I’m feeling (he tries to judge if he has a chance of getting out of going to work, lol!), and every day I shrug. Same as yesterday, same as the day before! This week I’ve been to the mall and the park/zoo, both while following a crazy toddler, but that clearly isn’t going to put me in labor (despite what others may think, judging by their sidelong glances). Baby girl is happy in there. I am still feeling fine so there’s no physical reason for me to want to be done, though I am feeling ready to meet her. I just don’t really want to get into June. I have a thing about numbers.

I was not nervous about this birth leading up to full term. I was a little worried about her coming early and crashing my exam or something, but the actual labor and birth experience I was all pumped up for. Yeah, let’s do this! So excited! And then I hit 39 weeks, ran out of things on my to-do list, and started twiddling my thumbs and thinking too much. Now I’m starting to get slightly anxious. It’s the unknown factor. The only thing I can count on is that it’s not going to be the same as my last birth, or the one before that, because every birth is a different experience. Plus I worry now about what time of day will it be, will Kate be sleeping, how long will I be away from her.

But mostly what I’ve been doing is playing Diablo 3. It works on my laptop, which is a small miracle, and it’s a great way to spend my downtime without overthinking anything!

2 years ago I was in labor. Well, actually 2 years ago right this minute I was fast asleep because my contractions had totally stopped. I was woken up at 3am by them starting up again and Kate was born at 6:05 in the morning after a hectic “oh my god I can’t believe I waited at home that long” drive that I have no intention of repeating. It’s kind of bizarre to be sitting here with my very large belly, so close to going into labor. It certainly brings back so many memories.

Kate of course took the opportunity this evening to not fall asleep for 2 hours past bedtime. But tomorrow is her day so I’ll let her sleep as much as she needs so she can be in a good mood. I don’t really have anything planned. I’m going to put her birthday dress on her again (oh how I love that dress!) and take a million pictures outside to try to get some good portraits. (Everyone said taking pictures of a toddler is frustrating… I didn’t really believe them until we got there and she refuses to look at the camera and smile at the same time. Even getting her to look in my direction is ridiculous.) We put together her gift (a play kitchen) so it’s ready to be brought in to surprise her tomorrow. And then I got a very small birthday cake for us all to share at dinner. Of course that will lead to her asking for birthday cake for the next week, but like I said, it’s her birthday. ;)

I’m feeling really kind of protective of my time with her right now, knowing that everything is going to change so very soon. I wanted to do some special things just with her and I so I could spend my time really consciously with her. I get so tired, though, it’s hard to keep up with her when she wants to climb on the playground equipment over and over again. Thankfully she’s now quite coordinated and sure-footed so I feel okay letting her go up things and down slides by herself. She certainly has so much energy – though I don’t know how much of my viewpoint is skewed by my exhaustion and how much really is just her bursting with toddler energy. Though she is still really happy to sit on the couch with one of us and read books (over and over and over again). I try to make it interesting (for me, haha) by not just reading the book to her, but then going through and asking her where the ___ is, or what sound does that make, or what is that there. She gets so excited when she points things out or calls out answers; I love how she kicks her legs happily and looks up at me with glee.

We just love watching her grow and learn. There is just so much going on in their heads all the time! It’s utterly amazing to watch how fast she picks up new words now, now she can point out all these animals in her books and recites the alphabet and counts. She’s this fountain of new knowledge and it really is just fascinating. She’s now developing an opinion about things and wants things done a certain way (she wanted that handed to mommy first!). Having a two year old is going to be a challenge at times – as evidenced by the bizarrely huge tantrums that she throws once in a while – but I also think it’s going to be a whole lot of fun.

Two years. That’s just amazing. It’s really hard to believe it’s been that long already!

So people are starting to say, “STILL haven’t had that baby yet?!” I know it may seem like I’ve been pregnant forever, but I’m not even at my due date yet! Sheesh, people are impatient. My mom I swear sits by the phone every single day. I called her to chat the other day since I missed her call and she literally screamed when she answered. Guess I won’t be calling my mom for the next week.

The next thing people ask is, “How are you feeling?” This is usually said with a tone of sympathy. And I respond that, errr, actually I’m fine. Still minor complaints here and there, she kicks my ribs and I get a bit of heartburn now and again. But as far as get this baby out of me, I’m done? Nah. I’m doing really good. Which makes me think it’s going to be another week or two. I mean, who feels fine as their due date approaches? That’s just weird.

No signs of impending labor. I’m getting a little bit more pressure down low, but that’s because she’s head down and a little lower. Also because she’s getting bigger and when she goes all active kicking I think she is kicking off my uterus walls and pushing down. But contractions still are just random during the day, no spotting, no CM, no achy feelings… nada.

So we sit and wait. And play Diablo 3. Cause that’s how I roll. (Yay for a distraction!)

Monday morning I checked my cervix and it felt very different from a week ago! Last week it felt same as usual, soft and posterior. But this time it felt quite different and I thought quite dilated. That startled me quite a bit and I realized that this really could happen at any time now. I’m starting to get some pelvic twinges during the day (those are new), but no real contractions other than the random braxton-hicks I get throughout the day. So just out of curiosity I had the midwife check me at my 39 week appointment… 1.5cm on the outside, funneled. That might be disappointing for some people, but for I let out a sigh of relief that at least that gives me more time when I do go into labor!

I’m so glad to have made it to 39 weeks! I feel like I have officially reached the end stage, full term, emotionally ready to go. After Devin it has been such a goal of mine to with both subsequent pregnancies to get right up to my due date. This has not been the easiest pregnancy, but it’s likely my last and now I find myself taking a lot of pictures and video and trying to just remember how this feels. I’m in no rush for labor. I’m looking forward to it and a little anxious about Kate being away. I’m definitely feeling big and getting slow to get up and move around – I forget I have no stomach muscles and struggle to get up off the couch sometimes (rolling off can be easier!). Getting up takes effort and tends to squash Ember into my bladder. This makes playing with a toddler annoying for both of us! I never realized how many times she made requests that require me to get up: snack, milk, water, different TV show, toy is stuck, diaper, not to mention her just wanting me to follow her and play with her! Even standing for too long makes my feet ache. I can definitely feel all those extra pounds I’m carrying (around 35lbs). What else… A bit of heartburn sometimes. An achy hip when I wake up after sleeping too many hours on one side. But I’m still good. Just slower. I’m not a fan of putting out effort right now. The whole nesting/cleaning thing? Over it. I’ll do the basics.

My appointment was fine and normal as always, blood pressure is low, baby’s moving around and her heartrate is good, fundal height is good. The midwife today said she does feel like her head is pretty low, which is what I’ve been feeling too – not super low, but lower than it was, I’m starting to get little cervical twinges at times. Her estimate for this baby is around 7lbs like Kate. So I’m sticking with my original guess that this one will weight a little bit more than Kate at birth. I have friends guessing that I’ll have her Saturday or Sunday, the same gestation I had Kate at. The weekend would be really ideal for me because every route we have to the hospital is under some sort of construction, I do NOT want to be stuck in the weekly rush hour traffic.

Mood-wise I’m feeling much more mellow right now. I went through an angry phase, but I think that was in part due to stress of getting things (school) done before I went into labor. Now everything is wrapped up for me and I have nothing on the calendar – which is also a bad thing because it’s boring. It’s also been raining a lot lately, which definitely never helps my moods. I’m still a little touchy (just ask Den!) and can and will snap for very minor reasons, but I’ve been trying to just settle in and find my happy place. Music has been a good way to do that…. music and the sunshine we had today.

Nope, not in labor yet. I feel like it’s getting closer, I think sometime this week – but I have been known to be wrong before!

::

Kate seems to be feeling better now. She gave Den and I the stuffed up, runny nose that she had. I just can’t breathe through my nostrils, whereas Den has a sore throat and has a worse head. Once we got sick we realized that if this is how she’s been feeling no wonder she’s been so crabby and whiny lately! But yesterday we didn’t really get out much except for a quick errand and a jaunt in the back yard (cut short by bugs!), and yet she happily occupied herself with books and music and drawing. She was much more silly-goose Kate and very little tantrum Kate. We read stories and bounced on balls together. We practiced using her new baseball bat and t-ball set. She gave me many of her adorable little grins. It was a good day, and I think she’s feeling better overall.

She is all about playing outside now, which I’m sure shocks no one who has or has had a toddler. She loves her swing and asks us to help her into it often. She loves digging in the dirt with her little shovels. She has a toddler slide that right now is used to drop balls down – apparently observing cause and effect is more interesting than sliding down herself. She also likes going for walks in the yard and down our quiet street, pointing out and picking up leaves and sticks along the way. This works perfectly for me because I in no way care to be power-walking right now. Though she does tend to try marching into peoples’ yards. I keep thinking I want to take her to the nature trails in the local park, but the weather has not been conducive at all to outdoor activities so we’ve only been going out briefly and sticking close to the house in case it does rain. She really loves “bee-bass” – baseball. She got a t-ball set for her birthday that she is pretty darned happy with, but any bat and ball will do in a pinch. She’s not very coordinated at it yet and tends to try to do it one-handed, but she definitely enjoys hitting the ball in any way possible.

Yesterday I found my exercise/birth ball in our storage shed but it was grossly dirty so Kate helped me wash it with soapy water. And then while I was turning off the hose she pushed it down the hill in our yard. And pushed it back up. She reminded me of Sisyphus. When I got it dried off and inside I threw a sheet over it and used it at my computer desk. Kate saw this and came running over asking to sit on the ball. I directed her to go get her large ball, which she did, and then she held my hands as we both sat on our balls and bounced. Den got a picture but it’s on the camera which is not within arms reach… so I’ll post it later. (Maybe. If I remember.)

She can jump now! “Jump! Jump!” she’ll say as she hops around the living room, getting both feet off the ground. She likes the stability of holding on to something (furniture or my hands), and she will jump off of objects like cushions or books. She’s trying to jump off furniture, but only if holding my hands (thank goodness)… and she squats and does a slide off/jump instead of a crazy jump. I am very glad she is a cautious kid! I’d like to get her a small trampoline, but most are so expensive.

Clothes are a major love of hers. Every day I find her clothes in a large pile in her bedroom, or strewn about the room. If given the chance she will grab an armful and carry them into the living room. She takes off her socks frequently and is working on getting other clothing items off. I feel like my house is constantly this big laundry explosion. Often I can’t even tell which or clean or dirty, since she’ll dump out her laundry basket too. She wears clothes on her head, she struggles to get on a second pair of pants (but can’t get them all the way on yet). She puts my socks on her hands like mitts. While I do think a lot of that is adorable and I don’t want to totally take away her fun, I’m also getting very tired of putting things back in her drawers. I’d like them to stay somewhat organized and it’s just a giant mess right now. I’m looking for some way to keep her out of her drawers, there are a few different types of locks out there.

We have discovered on Netflix a show/documentary for kids about animals called Animal Atlas. We now have frequent requests for “amimaas?” (animals). I like the show because it is geared for kids, giving lots of little facts about different wild animals, and Kate loves to just shout out the name of each animal. Animals in general are just big with her right now, she loves books with animal pictures. I really want to take her to the zoo if the sun comes out. She will totally love it this year!

Letters and numbers are still a big deal with her. She now knows what sound each letter makes thanks to her LeapTop and letters magnets. She can identify all her letters, and she’ll say some of them in order but she hasn’t yet got the whole alphabet together yet. She loves us singing the alphabet song though. For numbers she quickly and easily gets to 11 or 12, but then the teens she either skips them all or gets a couple and then she shouts “Tenty! Yaayyyy!” I love how excited and proud she gets when working with her letters and numbers. She points out letters and numbers all the time on signs and menus and anything else she sees.

Singing is very appealing to her right now too. I mentioned singing her a lullaby before bed now and so as soon as we go into the bedroom she’s asking for “Singa?” She’s quiet for the song and then asks for “Singa?” again. The song I sing to her is Morningtown Ride, and sometimes I’ll hum some Brahm’s Lullaby. For books she now knows which ones are nursery rhymes or songs and she brings them to me insistently, pointing at the page and tapping until I comply. Snuggle Puppy is a favorite right now because I always sing the song part (in my own made-up song – I have no idea what the actual song is, if there is one). She skips the pages with talking and goes straight to the song part.

As far as speech goes she repeats everything we say and catches on to new words very quickly. She’s not always super clear with her words, though, and she’ll pull out some signs in an effort to get me to understand her – which helps a lot. A lot of times I can deduce what she’s trying to say based on context, but there are times she’ll just randomly come up to me and repeat the same word over and over and I just don’t know what it is! I’ve figured out that what sounds like “sega” is actually “cracker.” Not close at all. Confuses the hell out of us. (And usually sparks a very dramatic whine and stomp because no, no more crackers!) She is not stringing words together yet. Everything she says are one-word orders! “Mama! Mama! Eat? Eat? Eat? Highcha?” Well, she phrases most words as questions, with her voice rising at the end, but even disguised as a question it is still clearly a command.

The tantrums are not nearly as bad now as they were a few days ago, but she’s added certain flair to her stomping. She throws up her hands, whines and fake-sobs, then throws her arms and head forward and down as she stomps on the ground (once or multiple times). It’s a very familiar ritual we see repeated around here – and I’m sure we’ll be seeing a lot more of it. She’s definitely figured out that she doesn’t like being told no and she’s going to try to convince us otherwise. Sadly the tantrum does not work very well on us as it either makes us laugh (and not give her what she wants) or irritated (and not give her what she wants). We definitely have to stick to our response though – there are times when I’ve though, “Well, I could have given her one more,” but now I can’t reward her behavior. Most of the time she shrugs it off pretty easily and moves on to something else as soon as she sees it didn’t work, but there are times when she’s overtired or not feeling well that she just melts down sobbing over something ridiculous. On those occasions I try to hug her and rock her and get her calmed down – but I still won’t give her what she was demanding. Poor kiddo just gets so overwhelmed with frustration sometimes. I know that must suck.

Mostly we think she is just a brilliant, adorable, funny little girl. She seems so at-ease with the world around her, so vibrant and curious yet cautious and contemplative. She loves to give hugs and kisses to us. She is just so joyful. And we are so very lucky to have her in our lives.

Well it’s not her actual birthday yet, but her party was today since I’m due very soon. It rained all week but Saturday dawned as a beautiful, clear, warm day. We couldn’t ask for better! I had rented tables and chairs again, but this year scaled way back on the decorations I attempted. I bought tablecloths and balloons. No crafty things this year. I ordered a cake from a bakery instead of making one myself (and note to self, a 12″ round is kind of huge!). I bought potato salad and made coleslaw. Den grilled burgers and hotdogs. It was such a change from last year, when I was running around trying to get the scrapbook done and the decorations done and the cake made and everything just perfect. This year I sliced up fruit, made some dip, cleaned up a little. Then I spent the party sitting down. Den did the set up and brought out the food.

And Kate? Well Kate was awesome. She had woken up at 6am (three hours early) and I was a little concerned that she’d not be in a good mood by the time the party rolled around, but she took a good nap at her normal time. And mostly she seems to really enjoy having people over! When we first got outside, before anyone arrived, she was playing with her Elmo balloon and new balls and wanted our attention. But then people arrived with kids – her cousins and friends – and I think that was the last I saw of her for a few hours. I kid, I was watching her march around with toys and following the other kids. At one point they all congregated in a corner of the yard where Kate was scratching a stick in the dirt and the other kids were making a “fire” out of leaves and branches. Kate grabbed the hand of grandmas, cousins, and my friends to drag them around for various reasons. She really wasn’t particular, she just wanted someone to help her in the swing or with a toy or just to witness something. She was a total independent spirit today, doing her own thing.

I ate way too much cake and brownies, but oh they were good! Kate also ate a bunch of cake, but I shrugged and said oh well, it’s her party! For one day I’ll let her overindulge. :) She was mostly too busy to eat, she sat still long enough to eat some hot dog and sweet potato and then she was “done” and wiggling down to run off again. Until the cake, of course.

She got some great gifts this year, including a ride-on motorized 4-wheeler that the toddlers all wanted to ride, a t-ball set that we haven’t opened yet but I know she will love, a toddler golf set that everyone was dragging around for the rest of the party (and then trying to swordfight with…. golf clubs got taken away), a folding chair, some color wonder art stuff that will be awesome (and safer than what we do now), and some really cute clothes! I am really happy that I don’t feel inundated with new toys while at the same time she got some stuff that she will really enjoy.

After the party we hung out with my mother in law inside and Kate was wired! Who knows how much from the cake and how much from the fun of the party, but she was being a total silly goose rolling around on her inflatable horse and “jumping” off her chair. She was still going at 9pm (her normal bedtime) but then started to unwind and was in bed at 10pm without a peep.

What a great day! We don’t have people over too often and I really do enjoy hosting on occasion. Kate did really well, the other kids all played together really nicely, the food was good, the company was lovely. And I got to sit and enjoy it!