Letting go of control
Letting go of control has been a very hard thing for me to learn over the years. I rarely mention it anymore because it’s rarely an issue, but many years ago I was diagnosed with OCPD – Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. This is not the same as OCD, but it’s related. I don’t have rituals or compulsions, but I had serious control issues and a lot of anxiety stemming from it. Plans were very important to me. When I first started dating Denis I remember crying in the car a few times because our dinner date plans changed. I look back at it and it seems quite ridiculous, but at the time I just couldn’t let go, and I couldn’t adapt. I haven’t dealt with that for a long time – apparently infertility, IVF, losing a child and then having a live one really does wonders for adjusting your world view and making all the small stuff seem like, well, small stuff. I think I am a much different mother now than I would have been 5 or 6 years ago. I am also a lot happier since I’ve been able to just let things go and accept life as it comes.
So here’s the big “but”: there is a part of me that has been trying to control this baby’s labor from the start. It seems kind of bizarre to me because I don’t recall having this issue when pregnant with Kate. Yes she was born before her due date, before I really expected her, and that certainly made it easier to avoid the wondering and waiting around. This one for some reason is really bringing back out my old planning habits since the time I found out I was due on Kate’s birthday. At first I was upset to be having the girls born in the same month, I felt that was unfair to them. I got used to that idea but definitely didn’t want them born on the same day. Then there was not wanting odd number days and getting upset about getting closer to June. Now it’s June, I’m having to adjust to that, but there’s that countdown to induction that is stressing me out.
Now this is all entirely ridiculous. Obviously she’s going to be born when she’ll be born and it won’t matter in the end at all. I do want a good birth experience, but I have no idea how this one is going to go. All along I’ve been thinking that once the contractions start coming it will give me focus and I’ll be able to slip into my meditative labor state and let it all go – which may very well be true.
I’ve been thinking that all this unnecessary stressing could be one of the reasons my body isn’t going into labor. And even if not, it’s certainly not very helpful to be stressing. This is not how I wanted to spend my last weeks of pregnancy. I’m letting all kinds of external, irrelevant thoughts get in the way of focusing on what’s important. Ember will come when she is ready. I need to give up control. I need to talk to her and let her know that I am ready. And if I do get to Thursday I need to believe that my body (and mind!) will handle it.
Last night I downloaded the HypnoBirth track Come Out Baby. Its focus is on relaxing your body and mind and releasing control. I listened to it last night after I got Kate to bed but I was so tired I fell asleep halfway through! (That’s one reason I like having some meditation scripts – they calm my thoughts and let me actually fall asleep!) I’m not expecting it to put me into labor suddenly, I just wanted something to focus on, something to center me and help me to let go.
My body is telling me it will be soon. After having no signs of impending labor for weeks I have started getting little crampy twinges down in my cervix, and some of my braxton-hicks have felt stronger. Yesterday I also had contractions roughly every 10 minutes for an hour or so, but they stopped when I took a walk. The walk felt fine for a little bit, then my belly started hurting and I barely waddled home; I had to lay down for a while to let the ligaments ease off. So things do feel a little bit different. Just nothing obvious, nothing major. I’m going to stop looking at calendars, stop thinking about Kate’s and her cousin’s birthdays, stop thinking about events and Den’s work schedule and try to just start living inside my head, present with my body and my baby.
In terms of birthdays being close, my brother, sister, & I all had birthdays in the same week, June 2, 3 & 6th. It was actually a really cool thing, my grandparents would come out to the coast from Alberta and it was a week long celebration. Longer if you counted the fact that we each had a party with our friends on a weekend (each party a different weekend), and then something small with just the family on our actual birthday. There was only one year my sister and I had to share a party (just the family one) and that was the year our brother was born. None of us have ever disliked having our birthdays close.
This has translated into my (as of today!) 32 year old sister believing she still deserves to have a weeklong party, but at least she plans stuff herself now:-)
Ah brains… they’re tricksy little bastids. Kudos to you for self-improvement. :) I commiserate that it’s not an easy thing to do, letting go… something I’m still working on. So any progress is totally worth celebrating.
It’s funny that you feel that your OCPD went down after children, I think with my OCD it definitely went up! Only recently have I been able to reign in back in since my kiddos are older. Hope you keep progressing and little sister shows up sooner than later!
Good for you. Let it go.
She’ll come when she’s ready. And it sounds like it could be sooner rather than later.
Very exciting!
Carrie
Just for fun, my guess is that she’ll be born tomorrow – and only because I wrote a similar post and my 8-day-late baby was born the next day. :)
Hope you’re able to find some peace & joy during these last few moments of not having to share Ember with the world!
I did hypnobabies home study coursewith my recent baby. I started practicing 10 weeks before my due date and my DH did perineal massage every night from 34 weeks on. I am a HUGE fan of it. I had a totally unmedicated VBAC, with no tears. My birth wasn’t pain-free, but it was totally manageable. The Baby Come Out is a good one. it can be powerful, especially if you have been practicing hypnobabies cues. I think one of the best tracks was the fear release..I did that often toward the end to ease my worries (I put them on one of those candle lanterns and let them go, figuratively that is). Hypnobabies took all the fear away from me. I had absolutely no doubt that I would not need any interventions, and I didn’t. The safe place was also a wonderful part of the course. And I learned to visualize my birth down to every last detail. It may have been easy for me b/c my first was a planned c-section and I had no reference. I can see how it would be easy to get anxious about a second labor, esp. if your first one went so smoothly. Try the free “Relax Me” mp3..it would be good for all of your anxieties. I have a birth story written out. If you are ever interested, I can send you the link. It is a private blog. In the meantime, have you considered intercourse and/or acupressure?
I agree with Fiddle1..I was also recommended to have regular intercourse right at the end of my pregnancy.For some reason I had always imagined it was a thing I shouldent do at that point,but my OB told me that it would “ripen” the cervix.Aparantly,semen triggers contractions because right at the end when the cervix is especially sensitive,semen (and orgasms) can get things going.
It also helps prep the muscles ;)
I have been wanting to say this for a couple of weeks now,but I didnt know if it would be a TMI peice of advice that you´d think I was gross for! lol
So,thank you Fidle1 for mentioning it!! ;) lol.
I think its great that they will be born different months!!! You are so close to the end, I hope its only a couple of days at the most till she makes her depute.