Name and baggage
I really thought naming a girl was going to be a long drawn-out process. Den hates pretty much my entire list of names (too foofy, too hippy), and I dislike most of his (usually too old-fashioned, except for his favorite choice which was a little too unusual even for my tastes). Katherine was a one-off, and it was just the perfect name for our little girl. So we really didn’t discuss names at all this pregnancy, other than for me to confirm that I still don’t agree with his favorite choice.
We walked out of the ultrasound and said something offhand about names. I said, “Well there’s still that name I tossed around last year, you said you liked it.” He said he’d put it on the short list. Later that day he called me and said, “I’m in on the name.” I asked him what the rest of his short list was, just out of curiosity; “Just that one.” Well then, that doesn’t leave much options! I’d already gone through a bunch of names list only to confirm that there really is nothing else that jumps out at me. Just the one. So I guess we pretty much have a name!
This little girl will be called Ember Cailet. (See, he got his choice in as the middle name, it works nicely!) Ember. Our little spark. I think it’s rather fitting. It is a different style completely from Katherine and will likely throw off family, but it fits well with Kate and Devin.
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Baby girl has gotten wicked active this week. I’ve been feeling movement for weeks now, and the ultrasound tech did confirm that my placenta is posterior (not a suprise!), but the last few days there have been dance parties in my belly. Last night I could feel her rolling and stretching and pushing in a much stronger, bigger way than I expect for being only 18 weeks along. I’m feeling bigger kicks too, it seems every time I sit down she whacks me. But as opposed to how Kate would always kick like crazy whenever anything pressed against her, be it a counter, tight pants or a hand, this one seems to quiet right down whenever I try to feel her. Last night when she was moving around I put Den’s hand on my belly and of course she stopped. As soon as he rolled over and fell asleep she kicked it up again. Funny how they’re so different.
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A commenter was right though: I have felt very disconnected from this pregnancy. I don’t know if it’s because I’m still not over the surprise of it all. Or if it’s simply because I have Kate running around so I can’t lay in bed rubbing and talking to my belly all day like I did with Devin and Kate. Maybe a little bit of both. I feel guilty about it. Like I should be feeling more, doing more. I take belly pictures every other week (which, I know, I haven’t posted. I’ll get them up shortly.), I write in here about stuff when it happens, I have bookmarked little things to buy for this baby. But it still just doesn’t feel real. That doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the miracle of it. I’m just still a little slack-jawed over it all.
I don’t know how much I really wrote about it at the time, since I was kind of distracted and busy, but when I gave birth to Kate I was overwhelmingly relieved and…. numb. I felt extremely disconnected from the child in my arms. I had bonded so much with the baby in my belly that it was hard to fit the two pieces together, like I had lost the baby I knew so well and gained this tiny little infant that felt like someone else’s. Being in the hospital with her was extremely disconcerting because it really felt like she was the hospital’s baby, that someone would come take her away. I worried why I didn’t feel more, where was that overwhelming love and bonding that people talked about? Den was crying all the time when holding her and going on and on about how beautiful she was and I just… didn’t feel it.
Granted it didn’t last long, less than a week I’d say, and holding her against my skin helped a lot. Bringing her home was the first time I really felt like I was holding my child. That overwhelming love and bonding certainly came, but it came on slowly, not all at once as I gazed at my newborn for the first time the way I expected.
How I feel now about this pregnancy feels a lot like that did. Like I’m still waiting for someone to realize the mistake and take this pregnancy back. I feel guilty sometimes, and very frustrated, because it the last two weren’t like this. But I also have faith that when the baby is born, whether it happens right away or slowly like with Kate, that it will all seem right with the world.
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I think it’s important to remember that a loss leaves you with a lot of extra baggage. After a while that baggage gets safely stowed somewhere, but once in a while something drops on you unexpectedly. My ultrasound was like that. I haven’t cried for Devin like that in a long, long time. I never consciously thought that this baby was replacing him – how could it? – but I guess part of me was hoping for some kind of healing. But my family will never be complete, because Devin is not here… will never be here. My two daughters are supposed to have a big brother running around looking after them. As amazing as my life is, as happy as I am day to day, as wonderful as my family is, there will always be a part of me that is broken.
Guilt is a terrible thing..I know it well.I prayed SO much to get pregnant with Noe.I went to church,I cried every time AF came,and I prayed long and hard every single night…Then along she came after a few rounds of Clomid and Met and 13 months of TTC,and NOTHING was as I expected..still isnt ;) It had taken me so freakin long to get pregnant,that I didnt beleive I was expecting for MONTHS,and even then,I kept thinking “what if it wasnt meant to be? Maybe this is wrong..Maybe he´ll [god] will take her away from me..”.
Disbeleif makes its almost impossible to imagine that baby in your arms,going through the birth all over again,and in my case,I always made sure the u/s tech focused on her face so that I could bond with her (silly I know..but if he couldent get her face,I´d leave feeling disapointed even though I knew she was healthy).When you cant imagine your baby,you cant bond with it..its that simple :/ I was there,and I HATED it.Guilt? Deffinately.But if we could control our feelings,we wouldent be human.
You have been through ALOT,so you have every right to feel how you feel,its OK.Infact,my nana once told me that those very feelings are the reason god gives us 40 weeks to get our heads around the idea :) You may not be able to bond with Ember (BEAUTIFUL name btw!!) during the pregnancy,but it doesnt really matter at what point that magical feeling happens,just as long as it does..and it DOES happen,so what are you worried about? ;)
Just relax (I still hate that freakin phrase! lol) and take each day as it comes.Everything will be fine and everything will fall into place :) Congrats on finding such a BEATIFUL name! I absolutely love it!! Now just try and get Kate to say it!! lol.
Merry Christmas Nat!! ((huge hugs!))
Not that my opinion matters but I love Ember’s name. I agree that it fits with Devin and Karherine.
I had a feeling that Cailet was going to make another appearance; wasn’t int Cailet Amber you guys were tossing around at one point? Regardless, Ember is a beautiful name. :)
Love the name, as long as you dont mind people will misspell it all the time. My daughter’s middle name is Alisabeth and i regret all the time that we chose this spelling and obviously we can never find anything customized (like a dumb brush!) I wish I could choose the name all over again lol Love Cailet as well, very cute !
Yeah, we’re not really concerned about that…. if I buy something with a name on it it’s personalized anyways. And as for the spelling, well we already have to say “Katherine with a K,” so now it will also be, “and Ember with an E.” lol!
Haven’t read the entire post yet but wanted to squeal at the name upfront. I love it. And I love that you included Cailet. Brings back great memories for me personally – but that’s beside the point hehe. Lovely.
As for the detachment – I think it’s pretty understandable.
With Devin, you had a careless pregnancy until he passed away and after that, nothing could ever be the same.
Kate was your miracle pregnancy, which was so wanted but at the same time so laden with dread and fear, that it is understandable that you were so completely involved in every twitch. I also think that you were more involved in the idea of being pregnant and carrying a child to terms, than you were in actually taking the child home. It didn’t surprise me in the least that you were detached from Kate for a while there: you had survived the pregnancy with a live child as a result … oh right … now we have to get used to the idea to actually HAVE a live child o.O
And now you have a much beloved toddler walking around around which your life has formed itself, and you get this completely unexpected natural pregnancy which was, what, a 0.0000000000001 % chance in hell? No wonder you are detached. It’s like the ultimate WTF moment.
But all that taken into consideration … I know for sure you will love Ember just as much as Kate when she makes her appearance. Differently, because you always love people differently, but no less. And Devin will always watch over their shoulders, and will never be forgotten. *hug*
Love the name!! Perfect for a little girl!! Congrats!!
love the name. how do you pronounce cailet? kay let? or is the t silent?
as for the detachment, i was very detached from my second also. i never had a loss like yours. difficulty getting pg the first time, so that pg was me completely focused on being pg. but the second happened fast and was sort of a surprise. i never got to connect with it like i did the first. i’m sure everything is a factor but my guess a majority of the reason is you are SO busy with kate and life that you don’t get to focus completely on ember. and my guess would be that you will fall in love with this little one immediately.
Yeah, it’s Kay-let. :)
I’ve heard that from other moms too, when they have a toddler running around… you don’t get to just sit down and be all about the pregnancy, you’re too busy!
Long time reader, first time poster. ;)
With my firstborn, I was very bonded to the pregnancy and had a tough time bonding with the baby. It was exactly as you described, “Who IS this little person and when is his real mother going to come take proper care of him?”
With my second (surprise pregnancy!) I was very disconnected and stressed the whole time I was pregnant. The whole first tri I just assumed I’d miscarry, because I couldn’t really fathom actually being pregnant again AT ALL. But when he was born I did get that mythical rush of mother-love for him. Just like that- BLAMMO. Love.
You never know how you’ll feel. Just another way our kids remind us that we’re not in control of anything anymore, I suppose.