Unexpected
First things first: baby looks healthy. It was curled up with knees above head, which made it hard for the tech to get all the pictures she needed. But everything looks completely normal, heartrate is great, all the parts are there. Baby was kicking me on the way to the ultrasound so at least I knew it was alive. But still I cried in relief when I saw the baby’s face and hands and legs, all moving about.
She took a look between the legs and said, “Looks like a girl.” And I just couldn’t help it, but I started crying little tears. I’ll be okay for a little bit and then start crying again. And it feels totally selfish and ridiculous to me, but my heart hurts. A part deep down inside me wants to yell, but I don’t WANT another girl, I want Devin back! If he had lived we would have a boy and a girl and now… now. Now he’s gone and I’m going to have two girls and I just totally can’t wrap my brain around that. Nothing has brought up this much old grief in years. I just keep sobbing over the boys outfits in the basement that now I have no idea what to do with, and mostly over this picture I had in my head of what this family would be.
And making it worse is that we had a name picked out for a boy and for a while I was tentatively calling it “he”. I went into this ultrasound really hoping to connect with this baby and instead I feel totally knocked off my feet and more alienated than ever. I can’t even picture a girl. I already have Kate. I am irrationally angry at this baby for not being what I thought it was… hoped it was.
I know I’ll be fine in a little bit, it’ll just take some time to process this. I know logically that I’ll love this child and bond with it eventually. But right now my heart really hurts. I really miss you, Devin.
*HUGS*
I’ve never been in your shoes, but I can fully relate to how you feel. When my time comes I want a little girl, and as that pregnancy may be my one and only shot at it… I know that if a tech showed me a Turtle I’d be crying too.
Oh Nat..
First of all,Im so glad that everything is well and that baby is healthy,thats wonderful news..
I know how much you wanted your baby boy (I think we all wanted that for you),I understand you and know how much you love Devin..you always will,but Hon,even if this baby had been a boy,he´s not Devin..you wouldent be getting him back (I hope this is coming across in the way its intended..I am so not good at this..).
I mean this in the most loving way possible even though I know that your heart just cant fathom that just yet :/
You cry all you want,it´s ok,obviously this is hard for you..I so wish I could give you a huge hug.You just need some time to get your head around this and to gather your thoughts and feelings.It may take some time,but you can do it.
This new baby girl,your little unexpected miracle,has somehow made her way into your lifes against all ods,and there she is..healthy and amazing,and the moment you hold her in your arms for the first time,you´ll be ok..I know you will :)
Much Love Nat!! Everything will be wonderful,you´ll see x
I understand how you feel. My husband and I really wanted a girl and I am pregnant with a boy. My husband only wants one child so this is it for us. Give it a couple of weeks and you will feel excited. Initial shock is always the hardest.
*hugs*
This baby will come and you will meet her and you will love her in a way that is totally the same and yet completely different than Kate. And having two daughters is really, really fun.
♥ ♥ ♥
*hugs* Even without the history you have, gender disappointment can be pretty rough. I’m glad baby is healthy but I’m a bit disappointed for you too. Keeping you in my thoughts.
I’m sorry you didn’t get the news you were hoping for. Your feelings make complete sense, and I’m glad you were able to write them out here. Sometimes I feel like when sad/bad things happen to me, if I can just share them with someone else in some way, it helps to shift the heavy weight from my shoulders. Like, someone else is helping me bear the burden. Mentally, I can take a load off. So I hope your load feels just a little bit lighter right now. And I’m just really sorry.
Thank you for being so honest. I get what you are saying and I think with the loss of my girl and now having boys, i would feel the same way if the next baby was a boy. It sounds horrible and yes, I feel guilty too but I can’t help feel this way too. I agree with Gina. As much as we long for the ones we have lossed, these future children won’t be them. This little girl is a miracle and of course you will show her all the love in the world. But we can’t help feel the way we do and it sucks.
Big hugs to you.
I have two girls. We hoped to only have two kids. I love my eldest daughter so very much, but I really wanted a boy to complete our little family. I know my situation is so very different than yours as I had not suffered the loss of a son, however, on the day of the birth (we had a gender surprise) and the said “it’s a girl!” I felt for an instant, a sense of dissapointment that I did not give my husband a son. Then I looked into those eyes and all was forgotten and I love that liitle girl more than life. I feel so guilty to this day for ever thinking that, even for an instant. I know you have a liitle bit longer until you meet her, but she is a miracle no matter what her gender.
My husband did not care at all, as long as the baby was healthy. Now I have two beautiful girls who p lay together, who love each other so much. And in the future I see them being bridesmaids at each others weddings and there when they have their own babies. I hope they have the sister relationship I always wish I had with my own sister.
Hug your belly tight, take it all in, let out all your feelings and lean on your husband.
I know you feel icky right now, but just wait till you meet that sweet girl, you will fall head over heels
Seriously?! You have a live and healthy baby growing in your womb. You are experiencing something some of us never will. Be grateful you have turned up unexpectantly pregnant, especially with your history. What a blessing! This post saddens me. Your 2nd daughter deserves more.
I’m sorry but I have to agree with RB. I’ve read your blog since you lost Devin but this post hit a nerve. You appear to be somewhat blase and nonchalant about this pregnancy to the point that the gender is now a bit of a disappointment. I never thought I would read a post such as this from you.
Completely agree with you ladies. I know no one is ever allowed to disagree with the blogger but what a slap in the face to her readers. Sure this is a place to vent your feelings but maybe some thought before you hit publish. You’ve been blessed beyond measure but that’s not enough, because you didn’t get what you wanted. Selfish much. And yay GIRLS,
Its HER blog and she should be able to say what she wants without being chastised. She never asked for anyone’s approval. She put herself out there, which is certainly not easy. Let’s not kick her while she is down (even if you dont think she should be)–whether you agree with her not, wrap your arms around her and love her.
A slap in the face why exactly?
If you are having your own issues,I sympathise with you,I really do,but remember that its not anyones fault ;) You cant get angry at someone because they have something you want and they arent feeling how you think they should about it kwim?
I want certain things,and I know people who have things that I would feel so blessed to have..but I dont try and teach these people how they should feel about what they actually have and what I personally want..things dont work that way.
I’m sorry to read the comment above mine. That saddens me that one of your readers would say that. Though I have not been in your shoes as I was lucky to have one of each after the loss of my first daughter, I can totally relate to the way you must be feeling now. These are your feelings and you’re entitled to feel this way for as long as you need.
Love to you.
xo
Nat,
I still read, but it’s been a long time since I’ve posted here.
First- I am so happy for you that your little baby is healthy and doing well. Wonderful news.
Second – know that I have not walked a mile in your shoes, but that even without all you have been through, I went through similar emotions with my second pregnancy. Take some time, it will get better. Honestly I didnt bond with my second pregnancy at all, I felt angry at the baby, and then the minute I laid eyes on my newest child, I had a crazy love and bond for him I worried I would never have.
It’s going to be ok. You are a wonderful person, mother, wife etc. You are entitled to these feelings so just ride them until they go away, because they will.
XO
Nat
Please disregard the negative posts…You are being HONEST with your feelings and are being true to YOU. To put that out there for the whole world to see, and make comments on is something I commend you for…
You were given the news you had not hoped for. Your dreams for your family that you have lived over and over in your head are now, different….Give it time & you will accept this baby girl…You’ll never forget Devin, but he will live on in your beautiful children.
I had wanted 2 boys. I got a girl for my 2nd child. And, it fits, somehow, it does….I know how you are feeling though and it’s tough to say goodbye to that perfect ideal family you had inside your mind….
It’s honest and brave of you to share these terribly difficult, conflicted feelings. I have never gone through what you have, but I can imagine myself feeling very much the way you do, and I hope you don’t beat yourself up about it. In addition, I only imagine what an utter shock this pregnancy must have been, especially compared to your prior pregnancies that took months (years!) of preparation and anticipation. So it would be almost more abnormal if you took this in stride and had no trouble processing everything. I’m sorry that some commenters feel like now is the time to preach instead of support. Big hugs to you!
I just wanted to say, to RB and 3hearts, I understand your reaction. I do. And that’s a big part of the reason a lot of people I know don’t post anything about frustrations or negative emotions. But for me this blog is not just about recording things, but also about working through things emotionally.
This on the grand scale is really small. I know that. I also know that I’ll process it and be fine, I’ll love this child just the same when she is born.
You couldn’t be more right Nat. Blogging is about working through our emotions. I’m sorry if my post came across as negative. It was my honest first reaction. My hope (and I know it will come to fruition) is that you can anticipate the birth of (let’s face it) this miracle baby. You deserve to feel that good about it. I enjoy following your blog because of your brutal honesty, and thank you for being open to mine. :) Honesty, that is. I am an IVF veteran, miscarriage survivor, and have now been blessed by adoption, so your words were a bit hard to read, BUT you write for YOU, which is as it should be. Good luck to you :) xo
Thanks RB. :) I know I would have reacted the same way at a certain point in my journey. I’m sure in a few days I’ll be just fine, and when I hold this baby in my arms (if all goes well) all will be right with the world, just like with Kate.
Great news on a healthy baby! Sorry you are struggling with missing Devin.
While it might be hard for you at the moment, perhaps it will be easier for your girls to both be daughters. Neither of them will feel as much need to fill the role of missing son? I think it sometimes hard for a child to follow in the footsteps of a deceased older sibling. And perhaps easier for them if they don’t share a gender.
Deceased baby shoes are hard to fill.
Best wishes.
j
I’ve been reading your blog since just before you lost Devin. I remember sobbing through the words and photos of his memorial, following you as you struggled to heal, feeling horribly crushed for you when you had the eptopic, and when you didn’t get a BFP…and then being so happy when you DID, and had a good pregnancy and baby Kate…and now this little miracle. I know that I have not been in your shoes, but sometimes putting things in perspective has a lot of healing power. A couple years ago you had just lost a full term baby and had no living children, and no garuntee that you would. Today you have a healthy daughter and another (healthy) girl on the way. I know this is your blog and a place to vent and you have EVERY right to your own feelings…but I also know as a grown-up and a mom…sometimes you need to step outside of yourself and be grateful for all you have, and not focus on what you don’t. Best wishes for a continued healthy pregnancy!
And the best part is you girls will always have Den wrapped around your little fingers. That man doesn’t have a chance now. He’s going to have such a good time at the Daddy/Daughter dances.
I don’t have much to add other than support. I had a feeling this was a girl. I understand your disappointment, and some of it may be that since this is possibly your last child, the “not knowing” is now over. In other words, it’s pretty finite. You can’t change your initial emotional response any more than you can direct the thoughts that come into your head. I’ve always been of the opinion that it is better to be honest with oneself, even if it is painful. So I commend you for working through those emotions. And they may linger for longer than you expect. Holding you close.
I am thrilled that all is well with your baby.
You are right in that you just need some time to digest this news. You will love having 2 girls.
Best of luck for a continued healthy pregnancy.
Carrie
One of the things I have always admired most about you is your ability to be honest with your emotions and then not just be honest, but put them out there in a public format. That’s tough to do, especially about something like this. But because you are honest with yourself and try to work through things, it allows you to to heal and feel happiness about things again.
None of us like to admit that we have feelings that sometimes come across as selfish. I don’t think you’re selfish though. I totally understand the picture that you have in your head being shattered and needing to be recomposed. I’ve had it happen in my life over various things and it will likely happen several more times in my existence. We all have those things. In your case one of those things were the composition of your family. It’s okay. It truly is.
I will say “Yay healthy baby!” while you compose the new picture. I know you’ll be thrilled once the picture starts to make a bit more sense in your life.
like some of you said…you have never been through this so don’t know and then call her selfish? Please.
When you suffer a loss of a child, there are so many crazy emotions and not once has she said she’s not grateful for this miracle baby. Her feelings are completely valid. And I really hate when people say well at least you are pregnant. Makes me want to say, well, at least you didn’t have to bury a child. Sounds dumb right?
I completley agree with this.I think we´ve all been in one of those situations,where someone else has called our feelings selfish just because we happen to hit a nerve.In this case,its not Natalies fault that someone else cant get pregnant or has suffered a loss,and she shouldent be judged for things she feels just because someone thinks she should only express how wonderful,amazing and awsome everything is just so that she doesnt step on any toes.Its ok to feel not so good about things every now and again,
Nat has had her share of loss,trying and failing at TTC and watching people get pregnant and have babies whilst she sat empty handed,and although Im sure she was hurting at the time,I never once heard her say: “you´re not allowed to say or think certain things around me,after all,*I* Cant have a baby and its not fair”..kwim?
This is Nats blog,one could say that its none of our buisness what she says,what she thinks and how she chooses to put her words..she has allowed a chosen few to share this with and we are in no place to belittle her feelings and tell her what she should be feeling :)
Gina- You’re going a bit overboard here. No one is blaming Nat of anything. Of course she has the right to feel whatever it is she is feeling at any given time, however the nature of blogging, and the ability to comment, is very public. Bloggers put themselves out there, and while that’s brave and commendable, it does put you at risk of being the subject of someone’s criticism. I don’t think Nat (correct me if I’m wrong) is living in la la land where she only expects agreeable comments. Sometimes a comment that disagrees with your viewpoint can shed some light on a situation, and put a different spin of things that the writer may not have considered themselves.
“Sometimes a comment that disagrees with your viewpoint can shed some light on a situation, and put a different spin of things that the writer may not have considered themselves.”
I agree with this. I am just saying that people shouldn’t jump all over her for having these feelings. The guilt is already there but sometimes just writing it out and venting is all we need.
Now back to Nat….:) Congrats again!
hugs to you.
Take the time you need to process it. I always think it’s much better to acknowledge and give weight to our feelings rather than brush them under the rug. Sending a hug.
Oh Nat. Just love and hugs showered upon you. After 3 miscarriages, I was so certain my pregnancy was a girl. Well, meet James. :) When I found out, I was extremely disappointed, but I now can’t even picture myself without this rough and tumble little guy. I got over it pretty quickly, a couple weeks I think. But your family is the way it was meant to be, even if that’s not how you envisioned it. Devin will be watching over his baby sisters for their whole lives.
<3 <3 <3
I think this was a prime example of if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Those of you with your negative comments: shame on you. Do you really think she’s going to tell you that you’ve hurt her? Sure. Because the best way to handle people who think they not only have a right to push their hurtful opinion on others, they believe said opinion is actually welcome or respected, is to give them more ammo. Somewhere being a public place doesn’t make it okay for you to belittle another person. And i’m not buying the “Another viewpoint.” BS, you started out with an order to be grateful, and ended with saying her daughter deserves more. Others included “sorry’s”, etc. Suddenly backpedaling when you’re called on your rotten comments doesn’t change history. It was very clear what was meant, and it was not nice. Shame shame shame, on all of you. You’re the reason women hide their feelings in fear of judgement and shame. The reason we don’t share with each other. The reason women don’t seek help with PPD, feelings of inadequacy, and normal natural shameful thoughts.You can twist it into innocence all day long if you want, but you know as well as I what the truth is, and I hope you’re ashamed of yourselves.
Nat…I love your every post because it is real life!!!! You dont have to sugar coat it for me girl:) You are a amazing lady! Congrats on your tiny lady!!!