My ultrasound is 2 days away. I’m excited, but anxious too. At least the baby is kicking me quite regularly so I don’t have to worry that it’s dead… but I still worry that they’ll find something wrong.

I’m starting to prepare myself for the reality that this may not be a boy. We’re pretty sure this is our last kid, for many different reasons. Having two in our home was always what we envisioned, and there is a long list of reasons that we feel two [living] kids is a good number for us. It just feels right.

But. This may not be a boy. I wouldn’t be upset about the fact that it’s a girl – Kate is fantastic and it’s hard to argue with that. Girls are wonderful. I would love her just the same, that’s not the issue. But… Devin. How am I going to give away those boy clothes in my basement without ever having used them? How am I going to adjust to peoples’ comments and well-intended (but missing the mark) jokes about having all girls?

A boy would heal some wounds – certainly not all, but some. It would be a relief. It would be scary it its own right, carrying another boy, but still.

What we really want is closure. And we’re not sure we’ll get that with another little girl. Maybe we’ll always wonder if we should try again one more time. If this is a boy then we know we are done and it would be a huge relief.

As for gut feelings… well in the beginning I thought this was a boy. Now I think it could be a girl. I’ve never been this unsure before… with both Devin and Kate I was very positive I knew who was in there. This little one is a mystery to me.

I am really looking forward to finding out who it is, though. I’m still feeling quite disconnected from this pregnancy, whether it’s from having an older child to care for this time or still dealing with the shock of actually being pregnant, I really haven’t felt all that emotionally connected yet. I think being able to know who it is, to name it (though we have no name picked for a girl), will really change that. I hope so, at least.

Soon!