Well Kate is working on more teeth and possibly a cold, and I definitely have a cold. My throat feels scratchy and gross and my sinuses are more congested than usual. Plus I feel totally wiped out. Kate was up at 5:30 the other morning, which was no fun at all. She didn’t even want to go back to bed, but finally I convinced her to fall asleep and I did too. I’ve been feeling like such a slug, all I want to do is nap on the couch.

Kate is sleeping in her toddler bed just great. She’s waking up sometimes but it’s clearly from pain/congestion – she sleeps the rest of the time just fine. And there have been absolutely no issues with putting her down, though now I have to put her blanket on her. That’s new, the blanket thing. It’s really cute! She says “Bed! Bed!” and then when I lay her down she says, “Banket! Banket!”

Her verbal skills are continuing to explode. One of the cutest things she is doing is while I talk to Den on Skype. She won’t sit on my lap at all, she kicks my desk and squirms all over and makes me very grouchy because she keeps shoving my belly until she slides down and runs off. (Then she usually runs back and wants to climb back on me – make up your mind!) She doesn’t seem all too interested in talking to daddy, unless he’s playing the mimic game with her. However when I get up to go into the kitchen (to grab a snack, more water, clean something she dropped, etc) she immediately runs over, climbs onto my chair, leans in really close to the laptop screen and lets loose a string of babble to daddy. It’s usually nonsense, but she nods with great intensity as she’s telling him all these important things. I really need to catch it on video because it is just so funny! And as soon as I come back she gets down and goes back to whatever she was doing. I’m not sure if what she has to say is for daddy only or if she just feels like she needs to fill my spot while I’m gone.

The little tantrums have been abundant this week, clearly because she’s not feeling quite well. Every time I say no to something (crackers! car!), or every time she can’t get something to work, she has a little meltdown…. stomping feet, flapping arms, wailing dramatically. And often she doesn’t get over them quick like she usually does…. I’ll just stand there waiting for her to get it out and she just keeps stopping and starting again. I find I have to sit her on my lap (kicking and squirming and wailing) and hold her gently while I talk quietly into her ear until she calms down and listens. I feel bad for her because she’s just not feeling well, but at the same time I wince every time she asks me something I have to say no to because it’s getting a little tiring and I am not feeling so great myself.

She’s also been a bit crazy this week. A few days ago I went out to dinner with her and a friend. She’s normally pretty mellow, draws and talks a lot and eats her food. This time? Not so much. She would not stop jumping on the bench or trying to crawl onto the table. I pulled her off many times and was really losing my patience with it. When I sat her butt down and got stern with her she kicked her legs wildly and laughed at me. She threw things on the floor, kicked the table, grabbed my stuff out of my diaper bag. And even while strapped into the highchair eating she was kicking the table (almost pushing herself over backwards), grabbing every single thing within reach, and loudly protesting her food options. It was like someone doped her on sugar right before we went to eat (which I most certainly did not do!). I realize she could be so, so much worse, but it’s just not usual for her.

She’s been running all hyper around the living room in the evening… chasing the cats, playing with her musical toys, and mostly climbing on and off her chair in the most unusual, gymnastic-esque ways. Thankfully she did still go to bed on time last night, without a fuss, but sheesh! And that’s after some outings , to the pet store to visit all the animals (she LOVES visiting the rabbits, guinea pigs, mice, hamsters, fish, and adoptable cats), and then Home Depot to browse the pretty plants. Both times I let her walk so we got some exercise and some fun teaching moments – like when she found the display of veggie seeds, she was so excited to name them all! I realize she probably needs to get out to the park and climb some playground equipment, but the weather took a turn for the colder and it’s just too much for me, especially with us both being sick this week.

Today I thought a lot about her behavior and realized that with being sick my parental skills have taken a nosedive. We’ve been going out briefly, but not to the usual fun places. It’s been too cold to play outside. I’ve been foggy and prefer to lay out the couch rather than run around playing with her. So really it makes sense that she’s acting up with a lot of energy and trying to get my attention in not great ways. I’ve not been my usual self, so it makes sense that she’s not being her usual self either. (Also, why is it that we are both sick but I am the only one feeling wiped out, she’s as energetic as ever? That seems wrong.) My patience is also not as great as it should be, I find myself getting very quickly annoyed by her flailing around while I’m trying to do a quick diaper change (she finds it hysterical… me not so much, especially when she inadvertently kicks my belly), or by her laying down in the middle of a store and doing the limp noodle when I try setting her back on her feet. Normally I find ways to step aside, distract her, talk to her, get it done. But this week I just find myself getting irritated about it. Which she finds funny, of course.

Tonight I turned off all the electronics and got down on the floor with her. She drew on her aquadoodle for a while – she’s really getting a good, precise grip on that pen. She holds it right down at the tip and has much more control over her scribbles now, coloring mostly inside the shapes I draw. When she was done drawing we got up and chased each other around for a while. I tossed her on the mattress and tickled her relentlessly; I jumped out from doorways to scare her and said “Rawwrrrr! I’m going to get you!!” while she fake-screamed and ran giggling. I even let her crawl all over me, though I layed on my side so she would sit on my butt and legs rather than squashing my belly. I really hope getting some of that energy out will help. I wish I had somewhere fun to take her this weekend… somewhere where she could climb things, mostly. Things other than me.

Poor Kate has woken up soaking wet three mornings in a row…. which means my sleep is cut short. In the evenings I’ve been staying up late to finish my homework and study for tomorrow’s exam. Plus I still have a stuffed up nose which only bothers me when I’m laying down – I keep waking up snorting and unable to breathe. I am rather tired. I was falling asleep on the couch all evening and wishing I could just go to bed when Kate did. But as usual now that I’m done all my work and the house is silent I’m just sitting here enjoying a couple minutes to myself. I’ll regret it tomorrow.

The past two nights I have put Kate to bed in a somewhat rushed, oh please oh please go to sleep so I can get something done or mommy is up a creek kind of way. I heard her get out of bed a few minutes later, thump on her door a couple of times. I tip-toed into my bedroom holding my breath, hoping she would just go to bed. And you know what? She did. I heard her tonight thumping a couple of times and giving little “Ahhhh?” questioning whines. And then I heard foodsteps away from the door and silence. I don’t have a video to check or anything, but I’m pretty certain she is sleeping in her bed. I am so thankful she loves that bed!

Baby Ember is as active as ever in there, soothing my anxieties. Her movements have definitely changed from the sharp frequent kicks to now much more stretching and rolling and waves across my belly. Just as frequent, just different kinds of movements as she takes up more space in there. She has been changing position a lot lately, some days being completely transverse and other times taking up her favored diagonal. I can’t say with any certainty which end is up, however. I just know her feet are everywhere and something is up in my ribs. If I were to take a guess I’d say she’s probably still breech but starting to turn.

I am getting a bunch of BH contractions as well, especially on days when she’s spinning around in there. But I get them randomly all day, typically when I change activities. If I’ve been laying down for a while and then get up that will trigger one. Or carrying Kate and leaning over putting her to bed, that will give me one. If I’m busy the only reason I can tell I’m having one is due to the sudden needs to pee immediately. Whenever I really have to pee I do a quick check of my belly and sure enough usually it’s very hard! The worst is first thing in the morning after several hours of sleep, I roll out of bed to a BH and hightail it to the bathroom before I pee myself.

I’ve put on quite a few pounds this past couple weeks, making up for the weeks before when I didn’t put on anything. I think the eating binge has finally subsided, I’m no longer starving 2 minutes after I eat a full meal. I’m still frequently snacking, but not to quite the extent I was last week! I can tell I’m carrying extra weight now too, I think my face is starting to round out just slightly, like it does at the end of every pregnancy. And I won’t talk about my butt… it’s been larger for quite a while now.

My belly just feels so huge! And I don’t mean when I look at it – it’s still a smallish, compact bump. But it feels big – so rounded and stretched. I’m at the point where I look in the mirror and wonder how our bodies manage it, all this growing and stretching with really not many effects all considering. Growing a person is still just so crazy and amazing. I’m so glad I got to go through this one more time. I will miss it… well, this part at least. (I doubt I’ll ever miss the puking several times a day.)

I am 34 weeks now… just 6 more weeks! Which means I have only 1 month until Kate’s birthday party. Yikes! I had better get moving.

So apparently 34 weeks pregnant with Den having been gone for 6 weeks is where I hit the wall. Thunk. I’m exhausted. Kate has been waking up several hours early every day or waking up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason (though her incisors are still coming in and she’s still getting over that cold), so I’m short on sleep to start with. Then she’s taking hour long naps instead of 2 hour naps, when I really really need that time to lay down and do nothing. When she’s up she’s mostly in a good mood, but she’s…. well, I won’t say she’s misbehaving, because she’s not really, but she’s behaving like a two year old. No she’s not yet two, but she’s close enough. She has been very active the past couple weeks, is in to climbing everything including all over me, and she’s been intentionally pushing limits just to see how far she can get. She’s been climbing onto tables, then standing there and calling my name and watching to see what I do. I’m trying to be calm, firm, repetitive, and not get totally frustrated by it. I’ve actually started putting her in time-outs in the pack n play – I know that’s not how you’re supposed to do time outs, but trust me, it’s for me not her.

The baby remains really active, which is great. I can almost always feel feet somewhere, and when I press on them she shoves me back. It’s my little check-in to make sure she’s good. (Plus the evening kick-counts of course, and just in general observing her pattern through the day.) She is however getting quite big in there. My back has starting hurting. I’ve been fine with going to see my chiropractor once a month this entire pregnancy, but this past week I realized that, nope, I can’t make it to my appointment so I moved it up. The adjustment helped a lot, but it’s still sore. The loose ligaments and lifting Kate and getting up and down is just doing a number on my lower back. And my upper back is just a mess of knots. I really need a massage.

I had an appointment with a new midwife yesterday, whom was great with Kate and very nice and knowledgeable. I would really have liked to chit chat a bit more with her, but Kate interrupted everything with loud shoutings of, “MAMA!” Clearly she does not like to not be the center of attention. This bodes extremely well for when the baby is born. (Yes, that was sarcasm.) And again, she wasn’t being bad, she was just being a kid… I just really don’t want to take her with me to appointments anymore. It’s just too hard trying to keep track of her and stop her from breaking the blinds and try to talk to the midwife and getting measured and arggg. I just want to be able to hold onto a thought for 2 seconds while at my appointment.

The midwife felt around my belly and said she’d put money on her being head-down. Now I can never locate the head, especially when they are low, though I can feel a large firm body part on my right side and I can definitely feel feet and knees all over. But head down! All this time I’ve been thinking she’s still breech. And the thing that frustrates me is that all of my instincts told me she was head down because of the types of movements I feel, but that one ultrasound at 28 weeks showing her being breech had me thinking I have been wrong ever since. I’m thinking she must have turned head down shortly after that ultrasound because she’s been this way for a while. She turns side to side, some days her back is on my left some days it’s on my right. But feet are always up at my ribs and down. Smaller flutters are down low. Hiccups are low and to the left. I have an ultrasound tomorrow morning so I’ll get confirmation of her position.

So mostly I am thinking yay, she’s head down, I don’t have to worry about position at all. And then my second thought is, so that’s why I’ve been peeing all the damn time. This week I feel like I’m going to pee myself every time I walk anywhere. Hunching over forward just isn’t happening. So yeah, if her head’s in my pelvis then that definitely explains that and I actually feel better about it, lol.

And now I need to go lay down and close my eyes. Kate will be up shortly.

So the Midwife was right! Ember is in fact head down, butt and feet up and waving around at my ribs. It certainly does make sense. So the little tickles I feel down low really are her hands. And clearly her feet are well-acquainted with my ribs, but I knew that. The lump I feel on either side of my belly (it changes day to day) is a butt. I really love knowing how she’s in there!

The rest of the ultrasound was really normal. And that is awesome. Her heartrate was strong in the 160’s (she was active at the time, kicking me), she has hair fuzz around her head (guess none of my babies will have my newborn baldness), and she’s growing really well. The measurements estimate her weight at 5lb 3oz, which is right where she should be at this point. Clearly no growth restriction, no reason to worry. I know she’s growing, though, I can certainly feel it… I still have a gut feeling she’s going to be bigger than Kate at birth. And I also think she’s going to be bigger than Kate, period. But then that’s not hard to do, Kate’s our little shortie, lol. Oh, and Ember is still definitely a girl.

And the tech got an awesome pic of her! I’ve never gotten a 3d pic of any of my babies showing the whole face! She looks a lot like Kate. :)

I am feeling much bigger. Belly is feeling quite stretched and heavy, especially down really low just above my pelvis where the bulge starts. I dislike pants a lot. Underwear is bugging me too. I think I’m starting to walk with a bit of a waddle, but not because of any pelvic discomfort or pain, but just because of the awkwardness of the belly. (I can, however, still sprint to scoop up an on-the-run toddler.) My lower back keeps needing to get stretched out, it’s tendency is to start pinching but everything is so loose. My ankles are starting to swell just slightly. My butt is huge (compared to what it used to be). And I’m now starting to get a rounded face and thicker upper arms – it took a long time for this pregnancy to show anywhere but my butt and belly, but here it is.

I can definitely feel like I’m moving into my last month. Which is crazy and yet it feels like I’ve been pregnant a long time! It’s frustrating at times because Kate wants to sit on my lap and cuddle and I just can’t do that anymore – I really miss it. It’s hard to carry her even on my hip, and I can’t chase her around playgrounds like I used to be able to. I am looking forward to one day being able to do those things again for both girls. But on the other hand I think about how this is my last month being pregnant, ever. Every evening after Kate goes to bed I lounge in bed with my laptop (only really comfortable position anymore) and spend time with me and my belly. I pull up my shirt and just watch limbs move around in there, I poke and pat and talk. It has been such an amazing blessing to go through this three times.

It is kind of weird thinking about how I’m going to be starting over again with a new tiny little newborn. A toddler is definitely an entirely different set of challenges, but I’ve been enjoying recently how easy it is to leave Kate with friends for a couple hours. Granted I don’t do that very often for anything but class, but she’s gotten to be very good about babysitters and playing with others and not having mommy there sometimes. It’s a whole different kind of mommyhood for me! I still feel a little guilty every time I’m not with her, but it’s been very nice to go to the grocery store by myself or to go watch a movie. A baby was much easier to bring along with me without her running off, pulling things off shelves, saying “Mama!” a hundred times when I’m trying to read some product packaging, or playing the limp noodle in the middle of the store. The trade-off is that I didn’t really feel like I could leave her as a baby. Even with Denis I’d still have to plan around nursing sessions and pump and prepare the bottles. There is quite a bit of freedom in knowing she can eat whatever is in the fridge! So now I’m going to be starting back from square one. Although I’m thinking that going out with just the baby is going to feel easy. Managing the two of them will take some practice!

I’m excited and scared to meet this baby. Excited to hold her and see who she is and get baby cuddles again. Scared mostly about how crazy it’s going to be with a toddler and a newborn and how Kate is going to react. I know it’s going to be an adjustment for Kate, and I think she’ll do fine, but there are going to be times when she gets frustrated and when she starts acting up. She’s already testing boundaries, and I can imagine that is going to get worse when she wants attention. But my worries are all short-term; I know that as the girls grow they are going to be best friends and watching them together is going to be just so awesome.

My mind is drifting to Devin a lot this week. I keep thinking about how this is as far as he got, that by this point in the pregnancy he was probably already gone (but he wasn’t born until 35w5d). It doesn’t overwhelm me, but it’s just sitting with me this week. I check Ember’s movement frequently throughout the day, sometimes jiggling her foot to get her to push back at me just to double-check. She seems good though. It is reassuring to know that Kate made it through okay, Kate is alive and healthy, so I hold to that and believe that this one will too.

Contractions are becoming more frequent, though they are not painful, just annoying. I so look forward to another month of these (that was sarcasm, by the way). They do make me really have to pee and I am tired of running to the bathroom! Especially in the middle of the night. Either Kate or one of the animals will make some kind of whining noise, I’ll wake up and roll over, then I get a contraction and realize I have to pee NOW and go very quietly tip-toeing across the hall, hoping that Kate doesn’t hear me and wake up and that the animals realize it’s middle of the night and don’t get up. At 3am I’m usually successful. At 6 or 7am one of the furry creatures in the house usually gets all excited and ruins the rest of my morning. Grr. When Den gets home they are all his problem!

Ember’s feet are still always up moving around, I can feel them clear as day now. I can usually feel around my belly and find at least one foot if not two just hanging out there as lumps below the surface. I can’t wait until Den gets home and gets to feel her moving the way she does now! No random kicks anymore… now you can just feel her shifting, stretching, pushing, rolling. The hands down below do still punch me randomly. I’ve had a couple punches to the cervix this morning (I assume)…. sends a little jolt up my spine. I keep trying to get her on video but she quiets down when I grab the camera.

So my plan was to not even touch the potty training thing until after the baby is born and we’re settled in. I figured maybe late summer I’d take a stab at it. Kate however may have different plans. When I switched back to cloth diapers I didn’t notice a different at first, but then she started telling me when she was wet. Now she pretty frequently throughout the day comes up to me patting her diaper, then goes and lays down on her changing pad. Sometimes she brings me a new diaper. She actually did that to my friend the other day while she was being babysat – layed down with the new diaper, waiting. It’s pretty funny, really. Though it’s inconvenient because I now have to get up to deal with it right away rather than waiting until later!

It hasn’t progressed yet to her telling me before she has to go. Her potty has been out for months, but she still thinks it’s a toy and doesn’t really want to sit on it so I just ignore it.

Today we were swimming at the pool, having a great time. At one point she stopped on the stairs and looked down, patted her swim diaper, and said, “Pee pee.” I twitched a little (I still don’t really care to know that she may very well be peeing in the pool that I’m swimming in – swim diapers hold in poo, not pee), but asked, “Did you go pee pee?” She looked down again, paused contemplatively, then simply said, “Yeah.” Thanks for that, kiddo.

::

Her swimming is progressing along very nicely. For a kid who last summer wasn’t too thrilled with the concept of big pools she certainly has made up her mind in the affirmative. I told her we were going swimming right before we left the house (yes, I have learned already not to mention things too much in advance, less there be a delay and subsequent tantrum), so she was happy to get in the truck. When I parked I immediately hear from the back seat, “Swimming??” when we got to the pool I had to make sure to get down the stairs before she did, I’m not sure she would have waited for me!

She likes “jumping” in from the side (though she usually sits and slides in, or crouches down really far before gently stepping in – she still a little too cautious to do full body jumps!), and from the stairs. She sat on the stairs for a while, sitting, stepping down, jumping into my arms then turning around and reaching for the stairs to do it again. I swished her around the pool a few times, spinning her in circles or just walking around holding her afloat under her chest. She was actually doing a very rudimentary doggy paddle in the beginning, using both arms and legs! (Then I think she got lazy and let me do the work, lol.) She loves to grab the side and pull herself out. I keep my hand on her bum in case she slips, but I let her climb out herself – I figure it’s a good skill for her to have, just in case. A few times she was a little too enthusiastic and dunked the lower half of her face in the water when jumping in, mouth wide open. She still hasn’t figured out she needs to close her mouth. She spit out water and coughed a couple of times, but didn’t even whine or complain about it, just kept on going.

For this summer I’m going to be purchasing a swimsuit for her that includes foam pieces sewn in to help keep her afloat. The style I’m getting allows you to take the foam pieces out one at a time as they get more proficient, which is awesome. I’m not a fan of arm swimmies or anything like that because I feel like it just teaches them the wrong way to float. So we’ll see what I think when I get the swimsuit. I really don’t know how much swimming we’ll be able to do with her, since she still needs constant help and I’m going to have a newborn. If the baby is okay chilling out sleeping on her own I might be able to take Kate in, otherwise we’ll have to wait for weekends or evenings when Den can handle one of the kiddos. I really do want to take her in as much as I can, though, because I just love watching her learn and get so excited about it. I will set up a small pool for Kate to play in while I hold the baby, but that’s not quite the same thing. (But still fun!)

Someday I’ll actually be able to go swimming again without holding a child. I kind of miss it, since all I do now is follow Kate around every step/swim she makes! No actual swimming for mama.

Holy moly these contractions are getting so annoying! The contractions themselves don’t bother me, they don’t hurt (though they’re not the most comfortable), it’s the having to pee thing that is driving me crazy! Having to roll out of bed and waddle across the hall while having a contraction is just so irritating. I get them mostly in the evening when I am laying down with my laptop, but I’m getting them during the day too. Certain movements seem to trigger them, I’ve noticed – things like bending over to pick a bunch of stuff up, leaning over Kate to change her, anything like that. And if it’s been any length of time since the last time I went to the bathroom well forget it, I feel like I’m just going to pee my pants. Grrr.

::

Baby is being consistently active this week, which is a very good thing, especially considering that this is the week (gestation-wise) Devin passed away and was born. I’m surprised I’m not more paranoid, but I really think my girls both did a lot to keep me reassured. Today is 35w5d, the day he was born. I think the weirdest part for me is knowing that this next month never happened for him. All along I have been comparing pictures of me with both of my previous pictures and now there will be just Kate’s, as his pregnancy took a totally different turn and I was transported to another timeline, another life.

::

I needed to go grocery shopping – I was out of milk, yogurt, cottage cheese and almost out of ham. These are pretty much what I live off of. But of course I didn’t go to the grocery store yesterday, when it was nice out, and today it has been raining all day with flood warnings. I felt very lazy and didn’t want to get dressed and go out anywhere, except for one very important fact: we were out of ice cream and root beer. I am LOVING root beer floats right now. Like seriously, seriously loving them…. they are the best thing that I have ever tasted. And I really do think that’s what got me up off the couch and into the truck in the rain. Of course I bought all the other important things too, but I went for the ice cream and root beer.

This pregnancy has had my worst/strongest cravings ever. I’ve been eating a lot of ice cream, especially once I discovered the root beer float thing. Milkshakes are high on my list too, but when I finally gave in and got one at a drive-through (Burger King; McDonald’s milkshake machine was broken, WTF) it was just so gross. It tasted like cheap chocolate syrup. Blech. Finally I had a really good milkshake at Friendly’s, but those are not cheap. Thus why my freezer is stocked with ice cream right now. And beyond that I just get random cravings when someone mentions things. Like today on Facebook I saw a picture of some macaroni salad. Out of the corner of my eye it looked like popcorn. Suddenly I wanted popcorn. I literally jumped to my feet and ran, half-dressed, to the kitchen to get popcorn. Why can’t I crave healthy things?!

::

I remembered to take a picture this week! 35 weeks 3 days.

I don’t even know what I posted last. I’ve been so tired as I got closer to the end of Den’s trip – Kate hasn’t been sleeping well (top incisors coming in), I haven’t been sleeping well (sore hips and contractions and heartburn) and without Den here to help I just felt like sinking further into my couch each day. Poor Kate. She survived, though. Actually one really really early morning she fell asleep in my arms on the couch while watching Elmo. I have to say I really miss that. I almost carried her into my bedroom to see if she’d take a nap with me, but I knew she’d wake up ready to play once she realized we were in the fun bedroom. Or else I’d fall asleep and she’d quietly ransack my drawers. So we napped on the couch for a little while and then later I put her in her bed and I went to mine and we slept some more. But still – 3 hour stretches of sleep here and there do not a rested preggo make.

Den arrived home yesterday evening. I called Kate over to see daddy and she was so shy at first. She sat on my lap and looked at him up through her eyelashes. “Daddy?” she’d say. “Daddy?” She gave him a hug but then back to me. Then she grabbed his finger and pulled him around the house, babbling – but she wanted me close by. She was bringing him toys and telling him the names of things and just being utterly cute. She just seemed a little confused that he was in fact here in person, not on a video screen.

And then he started playing with her. Tickling her, chasing her, drawing pictures with her and watching/helping her jump and climb. Suddenly it all clicked and he was DADDY. Oh it’s been glorious. By habit she will start out shouting, “Mama-mama…” then she realizes her error and switches to, “Daddy! Daddy!! Daddy!!!!” One, it makes my heart happy to see the two of them together, it’s so awesome. And two, it is freaking glorious for her to climb all over someone else. I love to watch and be present and share in the laughter… but from the couch. Kate thinks Daddy is The Best Thing Ever.

She spent the rest of the evening calling for him every time he so much as left her eyesight. He was not allowed to unpack or bring things in from the car except in very short bursts while she waited impatiently. Even when she’s tired she just wants him to sit on the couch with her.

::

Last night was… interesting. First I couldn’t sleep at all because Ember was being totally hyper and kept shoving against my ribs, I couldn’t get comfortable or settled. And then my anxiety kicked in. Why was she being so hyper? She has been pretty mellow for weeks now. Her kick counts earlier in the evening were totally normal, but the hyperactive wiggling and kicking was freaking me out a little. More than a little. She wasn’t crazy thrashing or anything like I’ve heard people describe about babies in distress, but it was just more activity than I’ve seen from her in a while. Was she okay in there? I was trying to reassure myself when she calmed down and stopped. And apparently fell asleep. Well now I couldn’t sleep because I couldn’t get her to move. Water, change of positions, poking at her… I’d get a little push back. It was in fact her normal time to sleep, but I was paranoid as hell. Finally she roused enough to rustle around in her usual way.

Somewhere in there Kate started wailing. Den got up with her so that I could ostensibly sleep. That’s about when I noticed I was contracting. A lot. Out came my phone with contraction timer…. little contractions every 3 minutes. Well shit. That’s not good. I drank a bunch of water, sat up, layed down… still contractions. I realized I needed to get up, eat some food and drink some more water. I ended up putting some things in a bag just in case I went in to L&D (which at that point was looking likely, if only to get checked), and I started panicking now about having the baby at 36 and a half weeks when we were totally not ready emotionally or otherwise. The cosleeper isn’t set up, the car seat wasn’t installed, I hadn’t located the newborn clothes, I hadn’t packed a bag. I do have to point out that these weren’t big contractions, these were little 30 second braxton hicks type tightenings, but the every 3 minutes thing was worrying me. If it didn’t let up we were all headed in to the hospital. After I had some things thrown together I layed down on the couch with Kate…. and they finally stopped. And Ember was moving around. I could feel the pressure sliding off little by little as I let out a breath.

I’m pretty sure the contractions were a direct result of the state of anxiety I was in. Ember has been moving normally all day today so at least I have that. I’m still getting quite a lot of contractions, but it’s more like every half an hour to an hour (which has been my new normal all week – fun). It did make it all feel a lot more real and immediate, however. Today I was digging stuff out of the basement, installing the car seat, clearing out the cosleeper to move it to our room (it’s been a large gathering-spot for baby stuff). It’s like I just realized that I’m going to be 37 weeks in a couple of days and no shit I could be having a baby any day now. I really would appreciate it if she stayed in for another 2 weeks so I can get through my exam and Kate’s birthday… but mostly I’d just really appreciate not having any more anxiety attacks about her movement. I’m keeping a close eye on her movement right now and at my appointment on Wednesday I’ll probably ask for a NST/BPP just so I can see that she’s doing fine.

It’s so sad to me that this last month of pregnancy is so messed up, when I physically feel really good still. But I am just so scared sometimes. Not all the time – thank goodness. But there are times when the fear just hits me. I just want this little one to be okay.