I don’t even know what I posted last. I’ve been so tired as I got closer to the end of Den’s trip – Kate hasn’t been sleeping well (top incisors coming in), I haven’t been sleeping well (sore hips and contractions and heartburn) and without Den here to help I just felt like sinking further into my couch each day. Poor Kate. She survived, though. Actually one really really early morning she fell asleep in my arms on the couch while watching Elmo. I have to say I really miss that. I almost carried her into my bedroom to see if she’d take a nap with me, but I knew she’d wake up ready to play once she realized we were in the fun bedroom. Or else I’d fall asleep and she’d quietly ransack my drawers. So we napped on the couch for a little while and then later I put her in her bed and I went to mine and we slept some more. But still – 3 hour stretches of sleep here and there do not a rested preggo make.

Den arrived home yesterday evening. I called Kate over to see daddy and she was so shy at first. She sat on my lap and looked at him up through her eyelashes. “Daddy?” she’d say. “Daddy?” She gave him a hug but then back to me. Then she grabbed his finger and pulled him around the house, babbling – but she wanted me close by. She was bringing him toys and telling him the names of things and just being utterly cute. She just seemed a little confused that he was in fact here in person, not on a video screen.

And then he started playing with her. Tickling her, chasing her, drawing pictures with her and watching/helping her jump and climb. Suddenly it all clicked and he was DADDY. Oh it’s been glorious. By habit she will start out shouting, “Mama-mama…” then she realizes her error and switches to, “Daddy! Daddy!! Daddy!!!!” One, it makes my heart happy to see the two of them together, it’s so awesome. And two, it is freaking glorious for her to climb all over someone else. I love to watch and be present and share in the laughter… but from the couch. Kate thinks Daddy is The Best Thing Ever.

She spent the rest of the evening calling for him every time he so much as left her eyesight. He was not allowed to unpack or bring things in from the car except in very short bursts while she waited impatiently. Even when she’s tired she just wants him to sit on the couch with her.

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Last night was… interesting. First I couldn’t sleep at all because Ember was being totally hyper and kept shoving against my ribs, I couldn’t get comfortable or settled. And then my anxiety kicked in. Why was she being so hyper? She has been pretty mellow for weeks now. Her kick counts earlier in the evening were totally normal, but the hyperactive wiggling and kicking was freaking me out a little. More than a little. She wasn’t crazy thrashing or anything like I’ve heard people describe about babies in distress, but it was just more activity than I’ve seen from her in a while. Was she okay in there? I was trying to reassure myself when she calmed down and stopped. And apparently fell asleep. Well now I couldn’t sleep because I couldn’t get her to move. Water, change of positions, poking at her… I’d get a little push back. It was in fact her normal time to sleep, but I was paranoid as hell. Finally she roused enough to rustle around in her usual way.

Somewhere in there Kate started wailing. Den got up with her so that I could ostensibly sleep. That’s about when I noticed I was contracting. A lot. Out came my phone with contraction timer…. little contractions every 3 minutes. Well shit. That’s not good. I drank a bunch of water, sat up, layed down… still contractions. I realized I needed to get up, eat some food and drink some more water. I ended up putting some things in a bag just in case I went in to L&D (which at that point was looking likely, if only to get checked), and I started panicking now about having the baby at 36 and a half weeks when we were totally not ready emotionally or otherwise. The cosleeper isn’t set up, the car seat wasn’t installed, I hadn’t located the newborn clothes, I hadn’t packed a bag. I do have to point out that these weren’t big contractions, these were little 30 second braxton hicks type tightenings, but the every 3 minutes thing was worrying me. If it didn’t let up we were all headed in to the hospital. After I had some things thrown together I layed down on the couch with Kate…. and they finally stopped. And Ember was moving around. I could feel the pressure sliding off little by little as I let out a breath.

I’m pretty sure the contractions were a direct result of the state of anxiety I was in. Ember has been moving normally all day today so at least I have that. I’m still getting quite a lot of contractions, but it’s more like every half an hour to an hour (which has been my new normal all week – fun). It did make it all feel a lot more real and immediate, however. Today I was digging stuff out of the basement, installing the car seat, clearing out the cosleeper to move it to our room (it’s been a large gathering-spot for baby stuff). It’s like I just realized that I’m going to be 37 weeks in a couple of days and no shit I could be having a baby any day now. I really would appreciate it if she stayed in for another 2 weeks so I can get through my exam and Kate’s birthday… but mostly I’d just really appreciate not having any more anxiety attacks about her movement. I’m keeping a close eye on her movement right now and at my appointment on Wednesday I’ll probably ask for a NST/BPP just so I can see that she’s doing fine.

It’s so sad to me that this last month of pregnancy is so messed up, when I physically feel really good still. But I am just so scared sometimes. Not all the time – thank goodness. But there are times when the fear just hits me. I just want this little one to be okay.