I have awesome readers/commenters. Just saying. You are all awesome.

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My cold/sinus thing has still not gone away, but my voice has. I can speak in gravelly tones, but nothing normal and certainly nothing high. Not only is this frustrating in general, but I notice that Kate isn’t responding to me. We usually shriek at each other and she squeals at my silliness… but she has no interest in this frog voice of mine. It’s depressing.

Last night I just couldn’t stop coughing, I woke everyone up with it. Kate started playing with toys and Den grumbled and growled. I ended up moving Kate and I to her room so he could get some sleep. We played quietly in the dark until she got sleepy and I figured it was time to attempt laying down again. Days aren’t so bad anymore, I think I’m on the way out of this… but the drainage and coughing and unable to breathe at night is just killing me.

On the good side, despite my concerns Kate has not gotten this cold. Apparently the immunities from my breastmilk are hard at work.

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Kate’s sleep continues to improve. My commenters had some good ideas and had me thinking things over and I had a lightbulb moment. We’ve been stuck inside much much more than usual lately, from snow storms and then with me getting sick. It’s not that she was napping too much – she still needs all that sleep – it’s that she wasn’t being active enough while awake. I’ve made an effort the last few days to get out, even though I still feel rather like dog poo, even if it’s just to the store to walk around. When we’re out she whines less, goes longer between naps, and she’s sleeping WAY better at night. Way, WAY better. She still wakes frequently, but it’s not restlessly, not fighting me. She wakes briefly, nurses, falls right back asleep. This I can handle. (Plus I’m not sure how much she’s waking up at night because of me coughing and snorting. I have a feeling it’s quite a bit.) I’m sure that wasn’t the whole problem, but it certainly was not helping.

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I really appreciate those rare occasions when I get to be around people who parent in a similar way. I feel like I do what’s right for Kate, but when everyone around you is telling you you’re screwing up your kid it’s hard not to have self-doubt floating around in there. (And no, they don’t say that outright… just a lot of the “You HAVE to…” or the eye-rolls or the warnings.) It’s just nice to be validated, I guess… to know that it’s okay. I think I’m getting more and more prickly about anyone who says you have to do something a specific way (safety issues like carseats notwithstanding). Food, sleep, toys, babywearing, on and on… I notice how different babies are.

For instance, I read so many AP books that I agreed with in general stating that babies should be carried facing in towards your body. All their reasoning made perfect sense. And when Kate was tired as an infant, she agreed with it. But when she was awake she wanted to be facing OUT. All their reasoning and warnings be damned, my child had apparently not read the book. There are breastfed babies who really do go 4 hours between feedings, and those like mine who want to eat every hour. There are nursed-to-sleep babies who sleep through the night at 3 weeks old… and those who just don’t. There are babies who really do need to be swaddled… and then babies who will throw the biggest fit in the world. Some babies really do need a schedule… some are totally cool with just going with the flow.

Kate, with her spirited personality, always made it very clear to us what we needed to do, and we learned very quickly that the baby being happy and content was the only thing that mattered. We just did it by instinct because there was hell to pay if we didn’t. But I think it’s taken me until now to really get it. Books and friends and family and even what you did last time… it’s all great to know, but in the end the person you need to listen to is the baby.

I’m just going to quickly run through the toys that she has and uses.

Leapfrog Learn & Groove Musical Table – Huge, huge hit. If we had only one musical/battery toy, this would probably be it. She loves to stand so she’s at this table for much of the day, playing with all the different musical things. I also don’t find it too annoying either, which is nice. We got this used from someone local.

Fisher-Price Learn & Sing Teddy – She got this at Christmas from my Aunt. She really loves the songs and lights! It took her a while to figure out that pressing a paw gets you a song, but now she’ll crawl over to it and play for a while. Be warned, the songs are incredibly catchy! Den and I find ourselves singing them. :)

Fisher-Price Brilliant Basics Baby’s First Blocks – It looks so simple, but she really loves these blocks! Yes, the lid is promptly removed and chucked to the side, but the bin and the blocks she spends a lot of time playing with. Now she’s been batting the blocks around, crawling after them as they roll.

Melissa & Doug Deluxe First Bead Maze – I really wanted a bead maze for her, but didn’t want a huge one yet, so her grandma got her this little one. She likes the beads and often just picks it up and shakes it around. As a bonus, it has suction cups on the bottom to stick to her highchair to amuse her. Unfortunately it doesn’t hold her attention very long, though.

Fisher Price Peek-a-blocks Train – My parents got her this because my dad is a train hobbyist. She LOVES it. She doesn’t care about the blocks, just the train… she pushes the button for the song and lights and to play with the moving wheels. She’s now starting to push it around a little. (That Amazon listing is a CRAZY price, though… not sure where they got it, but I am positive it wasn’t half that much!)

Safety 1st Sound ‘n Lights Activity Walker – This was a great big Fail. First, the lowest setting was WAY too high. Den had to cut more notches into the mechanism! Second we bought it too late. She caught on quickly, but just gets uber pissed when she can’t reach things. Her favorite thing to do now is to climb the outside of it…. not exactly safe.

Fisher Price Brilliant Basics Musical Activity Walker – Just bought this yesterday. She’s still figuring it out, but she’s very excited at being able to walk “by herself.” She just at the age where she doesn’t need to lean on things, she just needs some balance support. This is way better than the other walker because she can sit down, crawl away, and come back to it whenever she wants to.

She also loves her touch-and-feel books. Other board books are okay, but she loves the touchy ones!

So tell me…. what are your kids favorite toys? Give me some ideas for her birthday!

Happily enough nights are back to normal, or at least as normal as it gets as she grows and changes. My cold is finally almost gone, which means I’m actually getting sleep at night again! Hooray! Kate is back to waking me only twice while I’m sleeping, which makes me happy.

She is also, unfortunately, waking up at like 7am. I am not a 7am kind of person, I’m more of a 9am person. I compromised with her and moved our wake-up time to 8am but this 7 thing? So not happening. So I shove toys at her and let her play in her crib beside me while I doze and then half an hour later she gets tired and crawls over to me for more sleep. And then we sleep until 10 or 11. Which I totally needed while I was sick, but I need to get up at a decent hour now.

She is also napping a ton this past week. She took a 3 hour nap one day this weekend! 3 hours!! That’s unheard of! That doesn’t happen often, but she sleeps on and off all morning. If we’re up at 8 she’s down for a nap at 9, up at 10, down again before noon. And if I don’t put her down when she’s rubbing her eyes she’s whiny.

Our little struggle right now is that she seems bored with the living room. Even though I swap out her toys. Even though I just bought her some new ones. Doesn’t matter, I put her down in the living room on the area rug and she whines and cries and crawls over to me. Any other room is fine. And of course any other room doesn’t have a TV for me to watch or a computer or anything, so I get to sit in a room for hours. Just sit. While my small person alternates ignoring me with climbing on me. And I am apparently not allowed to: put on loads of laundry, clean the fridge, load the dishwasher, prepare food… just to name a few. If I get up and leave a room she cries until I come back. She crawls after me, head down, sobbing. (And then she’s even clingier than usual afterwards, because she suspects I might try it again.) Much of the day she’s not even letting me put her down at all, unless I’m on the floor with her. But of course she doesn’t want to sit on my lap either, that’s boring.

I can’t say that 9 months is my favorite age. It has some really great parts, like her laughter and her ability to get around and play… but the separation anxiety and whining is exhausting. I’ve been trying to get out of the house once a day now that I feel better, it certainly helps both of us! She loves to just people watch and I like not hearing whining… it’s a win-win! Plus she tends to stay awake longer and thus nap longer when we get home. It’s hard because I try to enjoy my days, enjoy what I have at this moment in time, but I still find I’m counting down to nap time and that makes me feel majorly guilty. Sad, too, when I realize she’s 9 months old already.

Guess who is starting to take very wobbly steps on her own? This was last night; today I saw her let go of her music table to step towards her walker, grab it, and keep going. Whoosh!

There are many things about parenting that are hard. It’s hard when you know you have to do something for them that you don’t really want to do. It’s hard to constantly re-examine your beliefs and what you’re doing.

I am not ready to give up cosleeping. I really love having her next to me, it’s comforting to me and peaceful. I’ve tried making it work these last couple of months but I’m finally having to face the idea that maybe it’s not the best thing for her anymore. She thinks she needs me right next to her at night, which means that from her bedtime until mine she’s waking up every hour, crying and searching for me. This can be hard on me on those days when I just need a quiet evening to unwind, and it’s also hard on her to have constantly interrupted sleep. And the thing is, she doesn’t need me. Her naps are now averaging 1-2 hours in length, and the other day she took a 3.5 hour nap, all by herself in her bed. When I look at it objectively, when I see that her naps – alone, in her own bed – are going fantastic, and nights – half alone, half with me in our bed – are getting worse with earlier and earlier wake-ups and then cranky whiny days, it’s obvious we need to change this. I wish she would just sleep great until midnight and then sleep great next to me until morning… but that’s just not happening anymore and what I have tried has not worked. It’s time for me to let go. I just don’t feel ready to yet.

I know that I’m her security blanket. When she rouses her hand immediately gropes out in the dark for me, she’ll sink back into contented sleep as soon as she touches me. She likes to hold my hand while she sleeps. Honestly, I love that. I love holding her and cuddling her, I love her reaching out to touch me in the middle of the night. If she wakes up more fully then she wants to nurse – even if she’s not hungry, she will cry until she gets to nurse and then she’ll fall right back to sleep. That’s a bit more of a bother in the winter (it’s cold!), but again I don’t really mind it too much. But this makes the hours of 8pm-1am really miserable for both of us, she wakes up once an hour – sometimes more, sometimes less – looking for me and crying. And every time I go in there I have to nurse her to calm her down. At this point I think the nursing is just habit, it’s the routine and she gets angry if I try to skip that step.

I know, I know, that in order to help her sleep better I need to change her sleep association. It’s really as simple as that. I have no issue nursing in the middle of the night if she’s hungry, I have no problem going in to help her if she really needs me. But she doesn’t need me 8 times a night… or rather, she needs to feel secure enough to realize that she doesn’t need me 8 times a night.

I still don’t think letting her CIO is the right choice, but the more I think about it the more I realize that’s not the only option. I – and many parenting books – have the habit of looking at things in yes/no polars, either you follow their plan to the T or you will never fix it…. either you let them CIO or they will never sleep. As if there’s no middle ground. But really, isn’t the goal to teach them to be independent? There have to be other, gentler ways of accomplishing that. It will just take time, and it will take consistency. I don’t mind the time, but consistency is so not my strong point.

Last night I started. I nursed her when I put her to sleep, I love the cuddles and quiet time. Then I sat up, put her on her belly, tucked her into the blanket, gave her Eeyore (her soft stuffed animal I am trying to make her lovie). I patted her back and sung to her. She of course cried a little and tried to get onto her hands and knees to crawl over to me. I put her back on her belly, patted and sung some more, and told her that I believe in her, she can do this, she needs to go to sleep. She whimpered briefly, but my singing calms her quickly. (I am so thankful my voice is finally returning, not being able to sing to her was making bedtime much longer than it should be!) She woke several times and between 8 and midnight I did not nurse her. It wasn’t a struggle like I feared… she actually did really well with it, just crying a little and trying to crawl towards me a few times as I patted shushed and sung to her. I let her hold my hand for a few seconds if it helped her calm down, then I gently took my hand away before she fell all the way asleep. It takes her longer to fall asleep with me cuddling her, but the hope is that once she figures out that she can put herself to sleep it will be quicker.

When she woke at 12:15 I nursed her and put her back down. We went to bed after that and I of course was laying there awake worrying and wondering if she was going to wake up any second now. It took me a long time to fall asleep. When I jolted awake to the sound of her crying I was astounded to see that it was 4:15. I nursed her again, then it took me a couple of tries to get her to sleep… she woke up after 20 minutes or so. But she went right back to sleep, so around 5. And then? Then she woke up at 8:30. Wow. I think that’s better than what her normal is sleeping next to me. (Probably because we rustle around and she wants to nurse if I’m there.)

I’m really glad she seems open to the changes… I was afraid she was going to throw a fit at me. (And those may come… I’ll just do my best to calm her, comfort her, and get her to sleep.) I know she can do this.

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I’ve spent a lot of time lately really examining my judgments and beliefs. Early on it did seem very black and white with her – she either slept or she screamed. I made up my mind not only about Kate, but about babies in general. As she grows I’m realizing there’s a whole lot of middle ground.

Not only that, but babies are all different. CIO definitely was not going to work for Kate or us, but now I’m not so sure that it’s absolutely horrible for all babies, if that makes sense. Not all get utterly hysterical like Kate did/does. I also look at babies who sleep peacefully all night long and thinking that’s not such a bad thing. Maybe I have done Kate a disservice by letting things disintegrate the way it has.

I think that’s the absolutely hardest part about admitting you might be wrong about previous opinions as a parent: If you change your mind it means you should have been doing something different. If I admit that sleep training isn’t a terrible horrible thing, that in fact in some ways it’s useful and could help her, it means that I have not been doing the best thing for her these last two months. That’s a really hard pill to swallow. I’m not going to beat myself up over it, but it does make me feel guilty. But then I also feel guilty for not cosleeping anymore… I have to admit I liked belonging to that club.

I’m starting to see that there are few right and wrong answers… and a lot of grey to muddle through.

Oh what a shitty night. As usual, went to bed great the first time. Woke up and cried when I put her back down. Wanted to play. Ended up playing in the dark on the bed while I sat in the middle of the room. When she finally got tired I tried putting her to sleep BUT she apparently wasn’t happy with my patting and singing… she’d get almost asleep and then jolt awake crying. Happened enough times that she turned into the over-tired sleep monster. There was hyperactive playing at 11pm. And then once we took her to bed and nursing actually managed to get her to sleep, she woke up frequently, kicking and squirming and crying. Way over-tired. Oh, and plus since we slept in our room she woke up at 6:30 ready to play.

So apparently what I’m taking away from this is that there is a certain point where I need to give up and not try to get her to sleep without the old habits….. avoid the overtired monster at all costs. I just don’t know what to do when she gets like that… wanting to play and not sleep. Without holding her and nursing her, how the hell do you get a baby to sleep if they don’t think they’re tired? (But they ARE!) Plus the husband kept saying she’s not tired, let her play. Yeah, no. She’s OVER-tired.

Fuck man. We’re so tired. I’m just waiting for her to crash so I can put her down again and I can get more sleep. :/ I just want to start crying again. I don’t know how to do this.

You know, I’m always hesitant now to put up posts when I’m feeling low… just because this is a public space and I know I’m feeling vulnerable and sometimes it just doesn’t feel smart to put it out there. So I really want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. It helps so much to know that other people have struggled, to know that there are many ways of doing things, and just to get hugs and support. It means a lot.

We had such an easy time with Kate for the first 4-6 months… yes I held her for naps and she went to bed when we did (and later she slept on me until I went to bed) but man was it all easy. She slept so well, through anything. I was the most rested mother of a newborn ever (or so it felt like it). Yes she woke frequently to nurse, but that barely woke me up at all, I’d switch sides and get comfy and we’d fall asleep again. The turn for the worse was when she stopped falling asleep every time I nursed her, when she stopped sleeping so heavily, when she wanted to be DOING things. When her mind kicked into action and her body got all wired and ready to move. The rolling, the crawling, the walking… she’s on the go and she doesn’t want to stop!

Here are my goals:
* Have Kate sleep as much as she needs, which as far as I know is 12 hours at night plus 2 naps during the day. (Not every night, but many of them she’s been throwing midnight party sessions.)
* Stop waking up every hour crying for me. (I need some time to myself! And I don’t think it’s good for her to have such broken sleep.)
* Not get up for the day before 8:00am. (She is now waking up at like 6:30am when she’s in our bedroom – it doesn’t have the room blackout shades like hers does. It’s a major problem for me!)
* Be able to fall asleep on her own, without needing me to do x, y and z every time she rouses. (Which is why I’m introducing a lovie and trying to get her in the habit of falling asleep on her belly instead of in my arms.)

I still don’t know what method I will use to achieve this. We’re going to try something for a week and see how it works, then evaluate and maybe try something different.

And, yes, the middle of the night party time is almost certainly because of the walking skill she’s working on. She did the same thing with rolling and with crawling. Drives me fucking nuts. I think I almost hate milestones. “She’s rolling! Why isn’t she sleeping?” “She’s crawling! She’s not sleeping.” “She’s walking. Shit.” It’s not every night, and I’m pretty certain it’s not connected with the changes I’ve made, but it sure makes it a lot harder. I’m exhausted from last night, I was super emotional all day, and Kate was wicked tired and didn’t nap well.

On the GOOD nights (ie, the ones she falls back asleep) I have to admit I’m already seeing an improvement. I have always nursed her at night every time she woke, as it was the quickest and easiest way to get her back to sleep. Part of my plan involves not nursing her between bedtime at midnight, no matter how often she wakes, since I know she’s not doing it out of hunger. Actually what she’d do is cry until I gave her the boob, she’d suck two or three times, then take the paci and fall asleep. It was like she needed to “check in” with the boobie before being able to sleep. The few times I tried to not do it she threw a fit. So yeah, I kind of expected a struggle. There hasn’t been one. I haven’t always been able to get her to fall asleep on her belly without me holding her, some wakings I have to cuddle her back to sleep, but I haven’t once had to pull out the boobie to get her calm. (Other than the over-tired screaming experience last night, but that wasn’t a normal wake-up, that was over-tired hysterics after hours of playing in the dark. I don’t count that.) And I have been able to get her to fall asleep by putting her down and sitting beside her, singing and just reaching out to lightly touch her back. It’s progress.