Progress? Some, at least
You know, I’m always hesitant now to put up posts when I’m feeling low… just because this is a public space and I know I’m feeling vulnerable and sometimes it just doesn’t feel smart to put it out there. So I really want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. It helps so much to know that other people have struggled, to know that there are many ways of doing things, and just to get hugs and support. It means a lot.
We had such an easy time with Kate for the first 4-6 months… yes I held her for naps and she went to bed when we did (and later she slept on me until I went to bed) but man was it all easy. She slept so well, through anything. I was the most rested mother of a newborn ever (or so it felt like it). Yes she woke frequently to nurse, but that barely woke me up at all, I’d switch sides and get comfy and we’d fall asleep again. The turn for the worse was when she stopped falling asleep every time I nursed her, when she stopped sleeping so heavily, when she wanted to be DOING things. When her mind kicked into action and her body got all wired and ready to move. The rolling, the crawling, the walking… she’s on the go and she doesn’t want to stop!
Here are my goals:
* Have Kate sleep as much as she needs, which as far as I know is 12 hours at night plus 2 naps during the day. (Not every night, but many of them she’s been throwing midnight party sessions.)
* Stop waking up every hour crying for me. (I need some time to myself! And I don’t think it’s good for her to have such broken sleep.)
* Not get up for the day before 8:00am. (She is now waking up at like 6:30am when she’s in our bedroom – it doesn’t have the room blackout shades like hers does. It’s a major problem for me!)
* Be able to fall asleep on her own, without needing me to do x, y and z every time she rouses. (Which is why I’m introducing a lovie and trying to get her in the habit of falling asleep on her belly instead of in my arms.)
I still don’t know what method I will use to achieve this. We’re going to try something for a week and see how it works, then evaluate and maybe try something different.
And, yes, the middle of the night party time is almost certainly because of the walking skill she’s working on. She did the same thing with rolling and with crawling. Drives me fucking nuts. I think I almost hate milestones. “She’s rolling! Why isn’t she sleeping?” “She’s crawling! She’s not sleeping.” “She’s walking. Shit.” It’s not every night, and I’m pretty certain it’s not connected with the changes I’ve made, but it sure makes it a lot harder. I’m exhausted from last night, I was super emotional all day, and Kate was wicked tired and didn’t nap well.
On the GOOD nights (ie, the ones she falls back asleep) I have to admit I’m already seeing an improvement. I have always nursed her at night every time she woke, as it was the quickest and easiest way to get her back to sleep. Part of my plan involves not nursing her between bedtime at midnight, no matter how often she wakes, since I know she’s not doing it out of hunger. Actually what she’d do is cry until I gave her the boob, she’d suck two or three times, then take the paci and fall asleep. It was like she needed to “check in” with the boobie before being able to sleep. The few times I tried to not do it she threw a fit. So yeah, I kind of expected a struggle. There hasn’t been one. I haven’t always been able to get her to fall asleep on her belly without me holding her, some wakings I have to cuddle her back to sleep, but I haven’t once had to pull out the boobie to get her calm. (Other than the over-tired screaming experience last night, but that wasn’t a normal wake-up, that was over-tired hysterics after hours of playing in the dark. I don’t count that.) And I have been able to get her to fall asleep by putting her down and sitting beside her, singing and just reaching out to lightly touch her back. It’s progress.
Yes,once they start being mobile (crawling,walking etc) being a mom is exsausting.I have looked back at the new born stages of all 3 of my kids and realised that *that* part is the easy part.Ok,I wasnt getting much sleep,but OMG,once they started doing things,you literally cannot catch a break.
Then after the initial “ants in the pants” stage (which starts at about 8+ months old) comes the “terrible twos”,and beleive me,thats when you look back on the stage you are now and think that was easy too lol.
I used to ask myself why so many mums drink wine,and since Im a mother myself,I sooooooo understand lol ;)
(just something to lighten the mood there..I dont drink,never have)
Some kids are more active than others,but I find that when they stay active through the night as well,and you literally get no time at all to unwind yourself,it can be beyond exsausting.
Id do anything and everything to reach the goals you have set for yourself,and Noelia is almost 3.
I totally recomend and encourage tht you start now,because beleive me,when you are a SAHM,you *need* those few night hours so much more than a woman who is able to go to work or get out of the house by herself on a daily basis.
When you´re a SAHM,people often comment on how lucky you are,but as a women who has been at home with 2 (and then 3) kids for mora than 12 years,I myself have lost that sensation,because I have realised that when you are at home ALL the time,you do not catch a break..the only time that is trully yours is the hours that follow the kids bedtime,and they are CRUTIAL for your own sanity ;)
Im not going to go on and on because this is your blog lol,but just know that sometimes,I think I can relate to what you may be feeling so much more than you could ever imagine.Its OK to admit that you´re tired,that your frustrated and its even OK to just want to let off steam in which ever way you need.Remember you´re human,you´re not superwoman.
Being a mother isnt always cotton candy and puffy white clouds..its OK to to notice and understand that it also has a side that isnt so cool ALL of the time.
I was told this by my therapist and its heled me so much,because before,I used to feel guilty about certain feelings that are COMPLETELY normal.
If you ever need to talk,just e-mail me..Im here all day ;) You´re a fantastic mother!
Hugs!!
Hi, I’m a longtime follower though I have never commented on your sleep posts b/c I have a completely different mindset and methods. BUT, something I read that might help you: have you ever heard of cicadian rhythms? It has to do with the body naturally waking/being ready for sleep when the sun comes up/goes down. Its actually pretty interesting, and it might give you some insight to why she is waking up at 6:30am :)
I know for me what worked was putting my son to bed at 7pm and then he would wake up around 7am. When I kept him up later, it didn’t seem to make him sleep in any more, but when I’d put him down earlier, he’d at least be in a cheerful mood when he got up at the crack of dawn!! The other benefit of this time frame (vs, say 9pm to 9am) is that I had a LOT of time in the evening to hang out with my husband, watch TV, be on the computer, or whatever else I wanted.
But I definitely agree with things getting harder/more challenging once they hit 8-9 months…and it doesn’t stop!! But it also keeps getting more fun so hang on to that, eventually you’ll figure out your sleep groove!
Even when your baby has relatively good sleep behavior (and mine did, through absolutely no effort on my own – just luck) milestones are HARD. The absolute worst parenting nights were during the week she learned to pull herself up but didn’t know how to get down. Oh my god, I’m shuddering just thinking about it. All of this to say don’t get discouraged this week – the walking (!) milestone is making it all harder.
Also, I think Moxie posted about a theory that something clicks at 10 months and babies no longer need to nurse to sleep. That’s what happened with my Julia, so hang in there!
Gina – Thanks girl. I know you’re still struggling with all of it. And yeah, I really DO need those couple of hours to myself!
Lindsay – You’re probably right about the sun and such. Problem is, MY circadian rhythm has never actually aligned with normal peoples’, lol! Even as a kid. I mean, if Kate REALLY needs it and I can’t change it, I’ll deal with it, but on days that she gets a good sleep and sleeps in her room she’s been waking up pretty consistently around 8:30 in the morning. And I’m cool with that. She had a bed time around 9pm for a long time (which was her doing, not mine, it was originally 11 as a newborn), but it shifted to 8pm and I’m just going with it.
Ah, the sleeping… A little history: My daughter is now 18 months old. I nursed her until she was 13 months. I cut out the night-feedings (between 9pm and 4am anyway) around 7-8 months. Her night-sleeping was always hit or miss. From about 3 months on, sometimes she’d sleep through the night, but often she’d wake up once, twice or more times for an hour or more at a time… this went on for many, many months. We did have stretches (like weeks or even a month) of good sleep mixed in there. But then, like you said, we’d hit milestones or do some teething or maybe nothing at all new was happening, and then the sleep sucked. Magically, when baby was 15 months old, she seemed to just get it. Aside from putting a new nightlight in her room one day, we changed nothing. And now she sleeps. Through the night. Without any intervention from us. And it is freaking amazing. I feel like a new person. (Related: My daughter did the cat-nap thing too. From 3 months until 8 months, her naps averaged 20-40 minutes in length. For some reason, at 8 months, she finally started napping consistently for 1-2 hours. Again, we changed nothing. She just started napping longer.) Now that we’ve had consistent good sleep for a few months, I feel like I can take a step back and look at the bigger sleep picture (and maybe I’m just more coherent now that I’ve gotten some good sleep myself–heh) and you know what? I have decided that there probably was nothing we could have done (barring minor changes here and there) that would have dramatically changed the outcome. Every baby is different. Every baby’s needs are different. Every baby’s needs and likes and development change daily. What works one day might not work the next. What works for person/baby A might not work for person/baby B. If I’m ever lucky enough to go on this wild baby ride again someday, I hope I will be gentler on myself. I hope I will be able to remember that one day, the baby will sleep–and I will get to sleep again too. And really, there probably isn’t a whole lot I can do or change that will make a big difference as to when it will happen. And I should just try to let go a little. God, I hope I can remember that. When you’re in the thick of it, it’s really really difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
All of this is to say: Hang in there. It does get better. Try not to be hard on yourself. You are doing a great job. You are not doing a disservice to Kate by co-sleeping or not co-sleeping or trying something and then trying something else. Keep on keeping on. Do what you need to do to get some sleep. Kate will be fine. And so will you. You are such a good mama for caring so much. It will get better. You are not alone.
Oh, I second the nightlight! Once Julia could see to grab her lovey or paci, everything got MUCH better!
Hi Nat. Like Lindsay, I’ve found that putting A to bed earlier has always worked better for us. He tends to sleep for eleven hours at night, and how often he wakes depends on how well he is, but generally he either sleeps through or wakes briefly once or twice.
I know every baby and body is different though, so Kate may not respond well to an earlier bedtime.
I have to say that having a few hours to myself in the evenings has more than made up for getting up really early … It makes a huge difference to my well-being because I need a lot of time alone to be a happy woman, and that is the only time I get most days when I’m not NEEDED by someone.
Whatever way things work out, some day we will all get more sleep again!
you are right she needs sleep (first priority to us as moms) but you really need it too to be the best you can be during the day. Honestly at 9 months she is likely not hungry at all during the nighttime feedings. Unless she’s not really eating solids so well, she should be able to go 10-12 hours without nursing. You should be able to eliminate the midnight feeding soon I bet and then really get some good sleep back. good luck, you’ll figure it out. The food thing drove me crazy, my son did not like to eat, luckily the sleep was not an issue. But every mom struggles with something. I need sleep badly, I started sleep training early using baby whisperer, never had to CIO, sounds like you won’t either.