Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies

Slept through the night!

Feb 2, 2011 — 1:54 am

So that last post? I went to bed because I didn’t hear her moving around anymore. I then woke up at 6am with a start and realized she never woke up. First emotion: elation! Second emotion: fear. I tried going back to bed but that wasn’t happening. I crept into her room and laid my hand lightly on her back to feel her breathing in and out. I then did it again, just for extra reassurance. My therapist told me the first time she slept through the night I’d think something happened to her… well she was right. Not freaking out of my mind panic, but just the kind of nagging “what if” that you really can’t let go of until you check just to be SURE. Of course she was fine, she had just slept through the night. 7 hours. Without me. In her room. Holy SHIT. This kid still typically goes 2 hours without me, max. When I went in there I found her sound asleep on the other side of the bed where she had crawled over onto my blanket (I keep one in there for when I sleep with her). Apparently she likes the softer feeling… not that I blame her. Most importantly she clearly woke up, move around and put herself back to sleep. Without crying. And slept another 3+ hours.

My excitement about this event was slightly diminished by a few comments of, “8 months old and her first time sleeping through the night? Wow, I’m sorry.” I don’t even bother getting into the whole explanation. I can sort of understand – if I was getting up and running into her room five times a night I would indeed be rather sleep-deprived and would want the situation to change as soon as possible. But I’m not, and I don’t. To me it’s like her learning how to crawl…. it’s another milestone in her development, whether it happens at 3 months or 9 months.

Also I really have to bite my tongue around the people who told us that she would never learn to sleep if we didn’t let her cry to “teach” her. No crying. No training. Just gentle encouragement and little baby steps along the way. I’m pretty certain that one day she’ll be sleeping on her own in her own room every night, one day I’ll be able to read her a story and kiss her and she’ll fall asleep. But it was nice that people made me feel slightly neurotic about her sleep habits, I really needed that. Maybe it’s a rite of passage that all mothers need to worry that they’re screwing up their children.

The night following she did not sleep through again, but I was actually really glad she didn’t. Den was out late and I was tired so I went to bed after putting Kate down. I was tired and yet… I just layed there, awake. My baby was asleep in her own room, my husband was out, and the dogs were downstairs (they have to stay downstairs until he comes home because they bark like mad when he comes in). Normally we’re all in the bedroom. Normally there’s three of us sharing the bed. Now I can go without my husband, he snores. But wow did I feel lonely. And I realized how much better I feel when she’s sleeping next to me. Yes it’s a little harder physically, I have to sleep in certain positions and give up a portion of my side of the bed (who am I kidding, I have to give up most of it!). But emotionally and mentally it is so much easier. It is so reassuring to be able to touch her, to see her breathing. It’s such a special time when we go to bed to cuddle up to her, to hold her while she is peaceful and sleeping. One day she’ll be too big and the moment will have passed. I will always be thankful that I took the opportunity while I had it.

Swim Baby

Feb 4, 2011 — 1:23 am

Kate is turning into a full-blown water baby.

When she was a newborn I had a very carefully selected, large, one-piece, rated-best baby bathtub. She hated it the moment I put her down on it. Hysterical screaming. I attempted it about twice and then resorted to just washing her down with a cloth and washing her head by holding her over the sink. Then someone online suggested bathing with her. That sounded a little crazy, but I tried it. Wow, what a difference! I used my legs as an incline to rest her on, I could wash her, move her around, and it was fun! I didn’t do it frequently, but she didn’t really need many baths (she was never a spitter). While bathing with me she learned to kick her feet in the water. She learned to sit up and splash. She discovered the drain and played with her tubby toys. She learned to float.

Because I was in there with her I was able to fill it up higher than I would otherwise have, let her float and kick and swim. We also have a detachable shower head so we use that to hose her down. I was always careful about not getting water in her eyes at all – I wanted to keep the experience as positive as possible – but Den discovered that she doesn’t really mind it. With water running down her face she looks up and smiles. (Unless she inhales some. Different reaction, then.) I soap her up, rinse her off, and then let her play.

Well it all worked, apparently, because she gets so excited at bath time now. She stands up at the tub looking in and squeals, reaching forward to try to touch the faucet. If I’m holding her in my arms when I wash my hands she’s diving forward to touch the water. At work last week she found the cats’ water fountain and had a blast splashing in it beside me. (She was soaked, the floor was soaked, and the cats were all like WTF?!)

The bath was usually a mid-day event for us. After a nap, mid-afternoon when she was awake and I wanted to get clean. It wasn’t at all a part of our evening routine until…. solids. Oh boy, dinner. Sticky hands, sticky face, stained shirt… okay kid, you’re going in the bath. So now it’s an evening occasion every day, soon as she’s done eating dinner. And she knows it. Tonight when she was done eating I wiped her off, wiped down and removed the highchair tray, then went to turn on the bath water while she was still contained in the chair. As soon as I turned on the water I heard shrieks of joy from the living room and I returned to find her waving her arms about in excitement.

I can’t wait until summer. We’re going to have to get a little kiddie pool!

Lost in thought

Feb 5, 2011 — 2:05 am

It occurred to me today that it’s February. I’m still trying to mentally adjust to the new year, it always takes a few months to reorient the calendar in my head. But it’s February already. One month until Devin’s birthday. I can already feel things lurking.

I am happy, absolutely. Joyous. I feel like I’ve been given a new life to live. At the same time, though, I feel like little things poke holes, casting fishhooks in through the light and yanking out a big globular shadow. Then the moment passes, the hook falls out and the shadow gets sucked back under again. But it’s still there.

Empathy. I feel a lot of empathy. I’ve always been a caring, sensitive person, but now I don’t just feel bad for other people, I feel it myself too. Less “Wow that’s terrible” and more “I know how that feels and I never, ever want to feel it again.”

::

I don’t know why eyes are so important to me. Maybe because I always pictured Devin with blue eyes. Kate’s are looking more and more brown and it makes me sad – not because I don’t like brown, but because I wanted them to be blue, I wanted them to be like I pictured Devin’s.

Every time we go over to see the twins, the cousins, I study their eyes, too. Their big sister’s are brown, so for a long time it was just a curiosity. Now they are going more and more blue. It hit me hard. They got boys, and now boys with blue eyes. It’s not fair. (It will never be fair.)

::

I see friends talk about how different their children are and it reminds me that we really have no idea who Devin would have been. I forget, sometimes, because Kate looked so similar to him when she was born. They were both small-side-of-average babies, her being 7lbs at birth and him being on track for the same. When I look at her I see him, too. She’s still so petite, 20th percentile in height and weight. I see friends with small girls and big chubby boy babies and I wonder, would that have been him? In my head he’s a petite boy like his sister, but would he have been a roly-poly one? Would he be racing through baby clothes sizes?

I know Kate. I know she’s spunky and outgoing. She plays well independently but always checks in for cuddles. She likes to screech and doesn’t babble. She hated laying down as a newborn and is determined to figure out walking.

I always felt like Devin was shy. Active, but reserved. Sometimes I get these pictures in my mind of what I think he would look like, act like – but they’re blurry. They’re made-up. How I wish I had a crystal ball.

::

We’ve been talking about when we go back to do IVF again, talking about this hypothetical sibling for Kate. We really want to have another, but at the same time Kate fills me up so completely with love and joy I know I would be okay if we never could. But at the same time the thought leaves such a pang – not just because we want Kate to have a sibling to grow up with, but that she should already have a sibling to grow up with.

I’m supposed to have two children, damnit. I’m supposed to have two.

Everything

Feb 6, 2011 — 6:37 pm

I’ve known this song for a long time and it’s always made me tear up when I hear it…. the soft, haunting music and the touching lyrics. It means even more now.

Lifehouse – Everything

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That’s leading me
To the place
where I find peace, again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the life, to my soul.
You are my purpose, you’re everything.

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won’t let me fall.
You still my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you’re all I want, you’re all I need
You’re everything, everything
You’re all I want, you’re all I need
You’re everything, everything.
You’re all I want, you’re all I need.
You’re everything, everything
You’re all I want, you’re all I need.
You’re everything, everything.

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better, any better than this.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Fried

Feb 7, 2011 — 12:54 am

This was a very long day. Yesterday was a date night for Den and I, we got to go out and have a couple of drinks and eat and dance and hang out with people. It was fun! However, it also meant that Kate was going to go to bed late. Which would have been fine by itself, had I not woken up at 7am with a raging headache and night sweats because of the two drinks I had. (Note to self: I am now a major lightweight, do not attempt more than two drinks, holy smokes.) Since I was up early, she soon followed. And thus started the day of a thousand whines.

What I can’t figure out is why when a baby is really tired they don’t, oh you know, friggin sleep. I got my headache to go away and I wanted to crash, and Kate clearly needed more sleep but oh no, she wouldn’t. She was just this squirmy mass of whiny crawling spazz. After a few hours of that we did manage to take a long (2 hour) nap together, and I thought, great, now I’ve fixed it! Wrong. She was better, but not fixed. Second nap of the day she fought me again. I wrapped her up tight in my arms and finally she gave in. She was down for 2 more hours. I was gleeful. Another 2 hour nap! Surely now evening will go easier! And to be fair, we had a good evening. We played, we ate, we took a shower/bath and splashed and laughed. She got tired and whiny at 8 and I whisked her off to bed and she actually went down easy! I felt pretty pleased with myself, I will admit. I was still in good humor. Amazing, since Den was working today and then went out to a superbowl party, so all of The Day of Whines was me and only me. But I did it! I sat down at my computer, opened my game, and relaxed.

For all of 10 minutes. The dogs barked and I realized I’d left them in our bedroom, which happens to be right next to Kate’s bedroom. I flew down the hall and opened the door only to find the asshole dog ON our bed. (Which he has not been allowed on in well over a year.) Kate didn’t wake up, thank goodness. Den got home and took the dogs downstairs – I was still pissed at Zeeke, but I am frequently pissed at Zeeke. I was letting it go. And then of course Kate woke up. Den got her and spent some time with her because I think my brain turned to mush at the idea of fighting her yet again to go to sleep. I just couldn’t dredge up the energy.

When Den went to bed I put her down too. Or tried to. You know that feeling when your patience is just totally fried but you know you need to hold it together? You can’t get mad at the child, obviously, you can’t walk away (because she’s overtired and NEEDS TO SLEEP or it will just get WORSE), you just count to ten over and over again and hold your breath and dig your fingernails in. That was me tonight. I laid there fighting her FOR AN HOUR. First she cried. Then she did the back arching, pushing away from me thing. Then she tried climbing me. (Did I mention how she pinches HARD while doing that? I don’t have visible bruises, but my arms are literally sore from the grabbing and pinching.) I thought she had fallen asleep roughly 5 times, and just when I’d start to relax that it was over she’d kick me again and start all over. I wanted to cry. I really, really wanted to cry. And she was so tired! I ended up throwing my arm over her legs so she couldn’t get up or crawl, and faking being asleep (But peeking every few seconds because she has a habit of jabbing me in the eyes, yanking my hair and/or headbutting me when I have my eyes closed.) She kept trying to push to her knees and I’d lean on her a little more so she couldn’t, she’d cry then put her head down and drift off again. I’m pretty sure we laid there for half an hour like that, her kicking me every 60 seconds or so (just to underscore the fact that she WAS NOT asleep and didn’t WANT to be), giving a little cry every 5 minutes.

Finally she sighed. I didn’t dare move. I rolled over and just laid there, staring at the ceiling in the dark, terrified that me opening the door to leave would wake her up again. My patience ran out about an hour earlier. If she woke up yet again I may have to run outside into the snow screaming obscenities.

So, she is finally asleep but it’s nearly midnight. So much for me having a couple hours to myself tonight. I’m so fried. Almost makes date night not even worth it.

Daddy

Feb 8, 2011 — 1:16 am

Den was home today so this morning when Kate woke up he took her so I could sleep for a tiny bit longer. I loved him a lot for that (and wished I could stay in bed longer, but I had to get up). When I got up she immediately wanted to be held by me and started whining and crying whenever I tried putting her down. Again. I put her down for a nap, which she woke up from less than 30 minutes later. I quickly fled out the door to work telling Den, “Good luck!!” I’m not sure I’ve ever been so relieved to go to work. I still was just so drained from yesterday.

I came home to a much different baby! She must have had a good day with daddy, she took a nap with him, played a lot. Maybe she just needed a day to get over the trauma of us leaving her, I don’t know. Plus my head was reset. That helps. A lot.

At 8pm she started getting whiny so I got her changed and put her down. She nursed a lot, took her paci and then fell asleep in like 5 seconds. No holding, no rocking, no singing, no fighting, no crying. She just put her hand on my chest, sighed, and fell asleep. Yaaaayyyyyyy! Yes she has woken up about 3 times in the past 4 hours, but every time has been the same, quick and easy. Actually the first time she hadn’t even moved and didn’t need me to do a thing, I just layed down beside her, facing her, she reached out her hand to touch me and fell immediately back asleep. So sweet.

I had to apologize to my poor husband today though. Last night I really kind of let loose on him and for no real reason. I was so frustrated with Kate but it’s not like you can blame the baby for being a baby, and not like you can let it out on them. So, sadly, he catches the brunt of my frustration. Even when I know it’s not his fault and that there is nothing he can do, he has to go to work and make the money that lets me stay home with Kate, plus he doesn’t have boobs.

::

Kate’s schedule also came up in conversation tonight when I came home from work.

D: “She needs a nap, I think.”
N: “Well, it’s too late now, hope she makes it til bedtime.”
D: “What do you mean, too late?”
N: “She needs to be awake from her last nap by 6pm or she won’t go to bed!”
D: “But doesn’t she go down for a nap at 6??”
N: “No, that was LAST month! Now she can’t.”
D: [massively exasperated] “You need to write me a schedule or something!!”

So I’m writing him a schedule. I really do forget how well I know her rhythms, that I take it for granted. I forget that he works all day, he doesn’t know our little routines. I have all these little mental notes about her likes and dislikes, her patterns, her expectations. He certainly knows her most of anyone else in the world besides me, and he knows little things about her that I don’t, little things she does for him that she doesn’t for me. But still, I forget. And it’s not fair for me to be frustrated with him for not giving her milk before a meal if I never happened to mention that, or that she can’t sleep after 6 anymore.

He is really enjoying his Mondays with her. It’s a chance not just for them to spend time together, he spends a lot of time with her every evening. But it’s different when he’s with her all day, when he has to handle lunch and naps and changing and play time. It really gives him a chance to get to see her during the day, to learn more about her and to come up with their own things. I may be the mommy, but she thinks daddy is pretty damn cool, too.

Maybe teeth

Feb 10, 2011 — 2:37 am

On the good side, at least the phase of I don’t want to sleep I want to crawl/pull up and I’m going to scream at you for half an hour has passed. She goes to bed so easily again. Not every time, but when she’s tired all I have to do is nurse her, give her her paci, and then wait for her to fall asleep. I’m even scooting back a little bit so she’s not cuddled right into me, and putting her on her belly. And she just… falls asleep. (Of course then I have to wait FOREVER for her to fall asleep deep enough that I can open the door without waking her up. It’s like she gets 95% of the way there and then just hangs.) This makes bed time FAR more pleasant for all involved.

On the bad side, she wakes up every freaking hour. Sometimes half an hour. Even after I bring her to bed with me, where I am sleeping touching her, she’s still waking up every 2 hours. Every 2 hours! All night long! Aaaggghhhhhhh. And she’s crying and whimpering and fidgeting so there’s definitely something bothering her. At least I kind of hope so, because then it will go back to “normal” when it’s over with.

Given how she was chomping viciously on her paci all day I’m putting money on teeth. She uses her paci on and off during the day. It was only during naptime but she seems to need it more right now. Today every 5 minutes she was pushing it to the side of her mouth and really gnawing on the thing. If the paci wasn’t on hand then she stuck her fingers in her mouth. Or my knee, or the couch arm, or the table. My child still has no teeth so I am just waiting.

Just this evening my throat started hurting so apparently I am getting sick. I hope that’s not what is bugging her. Ugh.

Bubble fog tired gah

Feb 13, 2011 — 12:11 am

Two evenings ago I noticed my throat was a little scratchy. The next day I was definitely sick. Not terribly sick, but some kind of virus. My throat hurts a little bit and my sinuses are plugged up. (Fucking sinuses, it’s always you.) I’m generally okay during the day, other than a sickly exhaustion, but at night the sinus party hits full swing.

Last night sucked. She slept great until 1am and then it was fidgeting and squirming and whimpering all night. Then there was me, snorting and gagging.

She had finally gotten comfortable and fallen asleep and I realized I needed to blow my nose and didn’t have a tissue. I carefully slid out of bed, tip-toed out the door into the bathroom, and blew my nose on a tissue.

“Waaahhhh!” said Kate. I raced back in to find her sitting up, eyes closed, crying pathetically for me. I gathered her in my arms, whispered shhh, shhh and laid her back down and nursed her to sleep again. She, thankfully, fell asleep. I got comfortable and snuggled in.

And then I felt my nose start dripping and I realized I forgot to bring tissues in with me. I wasn’t going to leave and wake Kate up again so I ended up cursing silently and groping around in the crib for an old burp rag.

The real kicker, though, was half an hour later. I had to roll over to let the mass of sludge in my sinuses squick from one side to the other. I grabbed my pillow to reposition it and there, right under my pillow, were two tissues.

::

Thankfully Kate isn’t full-out sick (yet) but either she has a bit of it or she’s coming down with it (or it’s something else entirely). She’s very clingy, very tired, and of course not sleeping well at night. I’m really hoping she’ll skip this one. It’s hard enough trying to take care of a clingy baby when I feel like crud. Today I laid on her bed for a while, letting her play with toys and crawl on me while I was semi-comatose. (But not asleep – I learned the hard way not to take my eyes off her while she’s playing nearby or I may end up with a concussion.) She wants to play and be active, she just doesn’t want me more than arm’s length away.

9 month nights = hell

Feb 14, 2011 — 1:55 am

I don’t know if it’s teething. I don’t know if she’s sick. I don’t know if it’s a growth spurt or developmental thing. All I know is that night has become the worst shit ever.

Naps she is doing fantastic. I put her on her belly and lay down beside her and sing to her and she falls asleep. And she’s sleeping for 1-2 hours. I am so very happy with naps. Even going to bed the first time, I do the same thing and it’s easy as pie.

It’s when she wakes up that the fun starts. As it has been the past two months it’s usually only an hour later. She wakes up crying, I go in to put her back to sleep the same way I put her to sleep the first time… and she freaks the fuck out. Screaming bloody murder. So then I try cuddling her, because that always works. More screaming. I pick her up. Screaming. I walk her around and jiggle her and rock her and shush her and sing to her and she arches her back and screams. Last night she did this all night long, even though she was sleeping right next to me. Like literally, I am RIGHT THERE. Even trying nursing her got that reaction half the time; the other half she’d nurse until she was content, try getting up to play, and recommence screaming when I gently layed her back down with me for sleep. (Note: I didn’t try to put her down, I tried to lay down with her in my arms!)

She is not congested. She is chewing everything in sight. She is fine if we turn on lights and she can play – but then you end up with massively overtired baby and that is no fun for anyone. She needs to sleep. I need her to sleep. I’m still sick, my patience is pretty much gone, tonight I just sat in bed with her and cried along with her. Because I don’t know what to do. Because I don’t know what is wrong. Because I feel like I’m failing her. I just keep reminding myself that it hasn’t always been like this and it won’t always be like this and it’s just the age… the learning new things and the teeth that still haven not shown themselves and the growth spurts and the separation anxiety.

This phase sucks.

Head back on

Feb 15, 2011 — 11:07 am

Well after that big post and cry-fest I felt much, much better. Kate actually slept the rest of the night pretty well. I’m still getting over this cold but I don’t feel as terrible as I did, thank goodness. I apologize in advance for this long ramble-y post, but I’m trying to work through my thoughts!

I wonder how much my mood affected Kate? I really do wonder sometimes, because she tends to throw her fits when I’m out of patience and distracted and highly irritated. I don’t know how much of that is that I’m better able to calm her when I’m calm or if she’s picking up my moods. Either way it’s rough when I’m not feeling well.

I’ve been thinking a lot about her sleeping habits and trying to sort it out.

Well first off, no teeth have sprouted and last night she was very peaceful. Not the best sleep ever, but there was no crying jags or anything. No tylenol either. (And when she was screaming those nights and I gave her tylenol, it didn’t do anything.) So while maybe teeth were bugging her, I don’t think that’s the real issue. She’s also not showing any more signs of getting what I have (thank the light).

Also, she goes to bed perfectly when she’s tired. Nap times are golden – she seriously has never napped this well in her life. I no longer nurse her to sleep, though she does nurse before bed and gets drowsy. Then I put her down on her belly, pat her bum a little, lay down beside her and sing her a song. She’ll often just reach out and hold my finger, fidget until she’s comfy, and she drops off asleep. (I’ve been working on getting her associated with falling asleep on her belly rather than in my arms, to help her settle herself in the middle of the night.) She’s been taking 2 naps a day, 1-2 hours each.

Bedtime she falls asleep the same way, easy and peaceful. She doesn’t fight me the first time, not at all. She has a consistent bedtime, though I’ll put her down a little early if she’s rubbing her eyes and whiny. The problem happens when she wakes back up. Now the frequent wake-ups have been happening for a long time, but there’s an obvious answer: she wants me. I tend to have to go in every hour to get her back to sleep. That doesn’t bother me (much) so long as she’s tired and goes straight back to sleep. Also the difference between before and the last week is that once I brought her to bed with me she’d sleep really well – she just wanted me. No problems. She’d wake up to nurse once or twice. Lately? Waking up throwing fits every hour.

But what has been happening the last few days is that she’s woken up feeling like she’s good to go, time to play. When I try to put her back to sleep she throws an utter hissy fit at me because she doesn’t want to sleep! Explains why she’s been doing it when she’s asleep alone and when in our bed. Two nights ago when she was screaming I told Den, I could be wrong but that doesn’t sound like pain, that sounds like rage.

We probably made it worse by letting her play one night. But I was sick as hell and had nothing left in the tank and we thought maybe letting her get out some energy would help her sleep the rest of the night. Even at the time I was laying there wondering if that was going to bite me in the ass later, but no manual came with this child and I just really didn’t care much beyond the pounding of my head that night. So she played for an hour with Den and then, yes, she slept. But alas, not the best of things to do.

The best sleep nights she’s had have been when we were out, busy, active, and maybe naps were cut a little short. After a day like that she tends to crash hard and sleep much longer stretches and wake only to nurse. I’ve been sick, so we haven’t been going out at all, and I haven’t been doing anything fun or exciting (unless you count blowing your nose as exciting). So I’m thinking she’s just not tired enough. She acts tired at bedtime, rubbing her eyes and putting her head on our chest, but she’s tired enough for a “nap”, not a good 12 hour stretch. I’m going to try moving up her naps a little, making sure she does NOT take an evening nap (she dropped it and then has been falling asleep in the evening again), and that her afternoon nap is early enough. Not sure how we’re going to get through the evening, but hopefully she’ll get used to it.

Also, I’m just really frustrated with people (IRL) telling me that I have to let her cry it out. It works for some people, yes. But, firstly, they don’t know my child. She’s how would you say “spirited” – the kind that would scream for 3 hours, throw up, and keep screaming. Once she gets wound up it takes a lot of effort to get her wound down. Secondly, if I’m not sure if she’s teething or having a growth spurt or getting sick, now is not the time to start letting her cry! How terrible would it be to find out later that she has an ear infection or something. And thirdly, I reject the notion that you HAVE to let a child cry in order to teach them to sleep. Yes I understand sleep associations and she wants me there with her – but I really do believe that there is a gentler way of re-teaching those associations. It takes longer, a lot longer. It’s a lot of little baby steps. But I’m the one who’s up all night, I’m the one making that choice and commitment. She’s just so little still.

Next Page »