Sleep training
There are many things about parenting that are hard. It’s hard when you know you have to do something for them that you don’t really want to do. It’s hard to constantly re-examine your beliefs and what you’re doing.
I am not ready to give up cosleeping. I really love having her next to me, it’s comforting to me and peaceful. I’ve tried making it work these last couple of months but I’m finally having to face the idea that maybe it’s not the best thing for her anymore. She thinks she needs me right next to her at night, which means that from her bedtime until mine she’s waking up every hour, crying and searching for me. This can be hard on me on those days when I just need a quiet evening to unwind, and it’s also hard on her to have constantly interrupted sleep. And the thing is, she doesn’t need me. Her naps are now averaging 1-2 hours in length, and the other day she took a 3.5 hour nap, all by herself in her bed. When I look at it objectively, when I see that her naps – alone, in her own bed – are going fantastic, and nights – half alone, half with me in our bed – are getting worse with earlier and earlier wake-ups and then cranky whiny days, it’s obvious we need to change this. I wish she would just sleep great until midnight and then sleep great next to me until morning… but that’s just not happening anymore and what I have tried has not worked. It’s time for me to let go. I just don’t feel ready to yet.
I know that I’m her security blanket. When she rouses her hand immediately gropes out in the dark for me, she’ll sink back into contented sleep as soon as she touches me. She likes to hold my hand while she sleeps. Honestly, I love that. I love holding her and cuddling her, I love her reaching out to touch me in the middle of the night. If she wakes up more fully then she wants to nurse – even if she’s not hungry, she will cry until she gets to nurse and then she’ll fall right back to sleep. That’s a bit more of a bother in the winter (it’s cold!), but again I don’t really mind it too much. But this makes the hours of 8pm-1am really miserable for both of us, she wakes up once an hour – sometimes more, sometimes less – looking for me and crying. And every time I go in there I have to nurse her to calm her down. At this point I think the nursing is just habit, it’s the routine and she gets angry if I try to skip that step.
I know, I know, that in order to help her sleep better I need to change her sleep association. It’s really as simple as that. I have no issue nursing in the middle of the night if she’s hungry, I have no problem going in to help her if she really needs me. But she doesn’t need me 8 times a night… or rather, she needs to feel secure enough to realize that she doesn’t need me 8 times a night.
I still don’t think letting her CIO is the right choice, but the more I think about it the more I realize that’s not the only option. I – and many parenting books – have the habit of looking at things in yes/no polars, either you follow their plan to the T or you will never fix it…. either you let them CIO or they will never sleep. As if there’s no middle ground. But really, isn’t the goal to teach them to be independent? There have to be other, gentler ways of accomplishing that. It will just take time, and it will take consistency. I don’t mind the time, but consistency is so not my strong point.
Last night I started. I nursed her when I put her to sleep, I love the cuddles and quiet time. Then I sat up, put her on her belly, tucked her into the blanket, gave her Eeyore (her soft stuffed animal I am trying to make her lovie). I patted her back and sung to her. She of course cried a little and tried to get onto her hands and knees to crawl over to me. I put her back on her belly, patted and sung some more, and told her that I believe in her, she can do this, she needs to go to sleep. She whimpered briefly, but my singing calms her quickly. (I am so thankful my voice is finally returning, not being able to sing to her was making bedtime much longer than it should be!) She woke several times and between 8 and midnight I did not nurse her. It wasn’t a struggle like I feared… she actually did really well with it, just crying a little and trying to crawl towards me a few times as I patted shushed and sung to her. I let her hold my hand for a few seconds if it helped her calm down, then I gently took my hand away before she fell all the way asleep. It takes her longer to fall asleep with me cuddling her, but the hope is that once she figures out that she can put herself to sleep it will be quicker.
When she woke at 12:15 I nursed her and put her back down. We went to bed after that and I of course was laying there awake worrying and wondering if she was going to wake up any second now. It took me a long time to fall asleep. When I jolted awake to the sound of her crying I was astounded to see that it was 4:15. I nursed her again, then it took me a couple of tries to get her to sleep… she woke up after 20 minutes or so. But she went right back to sleep, so around 5. And then? Then she woke up at 8:30. Wow. I think that’s better than what her normal is sleeping next to me. (Probably because we rustle around and she wants to nurse if I’m there.)
I’m really glad she seems open to the changes… I was afraid she was going to throw a fit at me. (And those may come… I’ll just do my best to calm her, comfort her, and get her to sleep.) I know she can do this.
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I’ve spent a lot of time lately really examining my judgments and beliefs. Early on it did seem very black and white with her – she either slept or she screamed. I made up my mind not only about Kate, but about babies in general. As she grows I’m realizing there’s a whole lot of middle ground.
Not only that, but babies are all different. CIO definitely was not going to work for Kate or us, but now I’m not so sure that it’s absolutely horrible for all babies, if that makes sense. Not all get utterly hysterical like Kate did/does. I also look at babies who sleep peacefully all night long and thinking that’s not such a bad thing. Maybe I have done Kate a disservice by letting things disintegrate the way it has.
I think that’s the absolutely hardest part about admitting you might be wrong about previous opinions as a parent: If you change your mind it means you should have been doing something different. If I admit that sleep training isn’t a terrible horrible thing, that in fact in some ways it’s useful and could help her, it means that I have not been doing the best thing for her these last two months. That’s a really hard pill to swallow. I’m not going to beat myself up over it, but it does make me feel guilty. But then I also feel guilty for not cosleeping anymore… I have to admit I liked belonging to that club.
I’m starting to see that there are few right and wrong answers… and a lot of grey to muddle through.
We eventually had to do this at 17 months with our oldest. The best tip I can give you is to let Daddy be the one to go in unless you plan to nurse. It gets her out of the mindset that nursing will be a possibility if she fusses long enough.
I haven’t nursed J in almost a year, but he still wakes up and wants me there. In theory, I totally agree with what you are saying. I always wanted to do one of those fadeout plans (like The Sleep Lady) where we started by just cuddling to sleep and not nursing, then just patting him to get him to sleep, then just standing nearby… and I just did not have the patience. It took soo long to get him to bed each night. Also, it was hard to keep a consistent schedule that many days in a row, with weekend plans and all. I have little doubt that it would’ve worked, and I like the theory of it. But I was just tired, and bored. If you can do it, props to you. I don’t know when J will stop co-sleeping (he’s 2 1/2).
I hope it continues to go so well. That’s fantastic that it worked so well the first night!
There really IS so much grey. I tried really hard to let that be my motto, from even before she was born – “we’ll do what WE need to, and what works for US.” Everybody is different. Every family, and every baby within the family. I wish we could’ve done a gradual change, but man, that SO didn’t work for us. I even wish we could still co-sleep, but that’s a complete and utter fail. Le sigh.
When I was trying to make my eldest love her lovie, I slept with it first–for a night or two, maybe a nap or two? And then it smelled like me and she loved it. She’s six and she still loves it.
It’s hard not to have firm opinions when you have your first baby. Being a parent means constantly evaluating how things are going and then trouble-shooting. That’s what you’re doing. That’s what makes you a good mom.
Oh there is deffinately ALOT of grey..not everything is black and white,especially when it comes to children.
The whole point of co-sleeping is (as a rule) to get more sleep,but if that isnt working,then a change is needed and thats fine.
My kids are 14,11 and *almost* 3,and I still sometimes question my beleifs,my parenting and ask myself if this or that is what I should be doing..its normal and natural,because as mothers,we want the best for our kids,so we constantly judge and question our own actions.
Im still trying to figure out how to get Noelia to sleep all night without creeping into my bed and wanting to nurse every 2 minutes,and if she were smaller,I honestly wouldent mind..but the fact is,she´s almost 3,Im exsausted (emotionally and physically) and when I put her to bed at night,I want her to stay there so that I can have those precious night hours to MYSELF,because I very much need them at this point.
What Im saying is,I have 3 kids and I thought Id have this sorted out,but I dont..Ive realised that it doesnt matter how many years experience you hace,you are ALWAYS learning.
Nothing is ever 100% under control when it comes to kids lol.
As it sounds to me, you’re doing great. I know I don’t have kids or anything but still… I really admire the way that you parent Kate. You are so in tune with her needs and your own and I hope, hope, hope someday that I will be a parent like that.
Good for you, Nat! On all these realizations. And good luck. Parenting is not easy.
We have co-slept since my daughter was born and she is now 22 months. We have never had her cry it out and she now sleeps through the night just fine. :)
You’re absolutely right on many counts, but not on you doing something horrible for Kate. Your decisions are made based on what your whole family needs and based on her reactions. You’re now going through that switch (just like we did) where you have to start helping them be a little more independent and it’s more about what they try to do than about responding to needs. It’s a hard transition with a lot of questioning!! I think you’re doing a great job by trying to find the right answer for all of you. If the right answer was that co sleeping worked til she was 4, then that’s great. If it’s that she needs her own bed, that’s great too.Butyou’re right.. sounds like she’s telling you. If it makes you feel better, E now sleeps great in his own crib except for his really insecure or sick times. Then he asks for Mommy and stuffs his little head under my arm or against my side and sleeps soundly there all night. He’s getting to the stage where he understands he doesn’t have to be bothered by my movement. So don’t think this is done forever. There still will be times she needs you. It’ll be ok. :)
p.s. We came to the CIO isn’t all or nothing and a little crying isn’t bad realiztion when E hit about that age too… when it wasn’t a desperate cry anymore, and we could hear different needs in the cries. It’s eye opening.
I think it’s hard to remember that we as the parents are learning as we go too. We don’t have all the answers and sometimes we pick the “wrong” solution to a problem. Just keep in mind that you are not doing anything wrong by Kate. You’re doing what you think is best with the information you have at the time. These kiddos teach us a lot! Kate has not been anything but loved and adored by you! Good luck with the “sleep training.”
:) Heather
The way I’ve come to look at it is that you solve the problems right in front of you however you feel is best. When that no longer works, you try something else. Sometimes the solutions are easy when you need them to be, and sometimes they are not. But there are no “wrong” decisions. that is the most beautiful thing about motherhood, to me. My child has taught me WAY more about myself..my strengths and weaknesses…than I have ever taught her. That is a gift I never expected. And now, as Lizzy is in her third year, I’ve realized how far I’ve come from the “I’m going to be this kind of parent, no ifs, ands, or buts” to “I will try to never judge another parent for making any choices contrary to my own.” You have done such a good job of filtering away all that unwanted, hard-line advice and all the hard/fast moralizing of parenting books. They actually did me in, and I crumpled under the anxiety of them in that first year. When we figured out the best sleep arrangement for us (funnily after reading one of those “parenting books”), that was the very first FIRST time I felt my confidence as a parent. And then I as able to reassess what everyone had told me and see the merit in their suggestions. But when we are bombarded with opinions and counter-opinions, it make it very hard, and I was so confused I couldn’t figure out what to do. It really got to me. And I realized then that there is no answer. If there was a right way to do thigns, there would be one parenting book. Everything that is published on anything, sleep, discipline, etc….it’s published for one reason only..to make that author and publisher money. Aah..sorry for the ramble here. This is a great post and very close to my heart. Isn’t that such an amazing gift??? The chance to grow and change as a parent? And to admit mistakes (not that you’ve made any with this sleep thing)? I have a feeling that is something we’ll be doing for a long time with our children. And it’s even more mind-blowing to me that I realize so much about my own parents and their choices as I learn/strive to be a better parent.
I also second another commenter here..I squirted some breastmilk onto her “lovey” and I kissed and hugged it when I kissed and hugged her too. I gave it to her to hold when we played together and read together. She still sleeps with it and asks for it now.
Ditto the lovey. Essential for e