It’s so strange, in a way, that my daughter will choose her own birthday. It is strange for me, as someone who likes to have control of everything around her. I had my fingers in every aspect of my IVF cycles, planning out dates a year in advance. It’s what I do. I chose (in a manner of speaking) her due date. But her birthday is out of my hands. It’s up to her. I feel a sense of relief at letting go.

It’s also weird to go to bed every night wondering if this is going to be the night that things get started. Especially when I’m having contractions all the time, and after I lay down they can sometimes start to come a little more frequently. But then I figure either I’ll sleep through the night and wake up in the morning not in labor, or I’ll wake up later when they get stronger. So I sleep… and I wake up when I have to pee. Without any big signs of labor blaring.

I can’t believe she’s in there, wiggling around, full size, and could just… come out at any time. And be a baby. Like, a real, live baby, wiggling and squeaking and everything. I watch my belly rolling, I talk to my belly monster, I have all the baby things around the house. But she’s my inside-the-belly baby. I really can’t picture her coming out. We’re just in this pattern of killing time now that I’m done working. Oh don’t worry, I have plenty of projects to keep me busy this week. I’m not booking appointments in advance, I’m not really making plans besides, “If I’m still pregnant I might stop by.”

I am still feeling pretty good, though things are starting to get a little more uncomfortable – namely, my lower back. It’s not horrible or anything, just tight, especially at night when I’m trying to sleep. I’m trying to be good about stretching it out and Den gave me a nice massage today. I might call the chiropractor for another appointment next week (if I’m still pregnant!). The heartburn is back, and it’s gag-worthy at night. Blech. Not much else. My feet may be a tiny bit more puffy (and vein-y). I’m still wearing my wedding band, but that’s getting tight with this warm weather. And the stupid braxton-hicks continue to send me to the bathroom frequently. (I just checked…. oops, the wedding band is stuck, rofl! Guess it’s time to take it off, sigh.)

I’m just sitting around waiting for some sign that things are progressing…. and I’m not getting any. Not that that means much, I know things can start with a bang, but I’m also mentally preparing myself to go overdue just so it won’t be some huge shock if it happens. It’s kind of funny how our attitudes can change so drastically when we think we have an “end-by” date and nothing happens, I see so many women suddenly decide that they are DONE at their due date, even though physically nothing has changed!

Don’t fret, I should have my blackberry with me when we go to the hospital. I have access to twitter, facebook, and my blog from there, so at the very least there will be something on twitter, though likely I will post something in the blog. (Note that you do not have to be subscribed to twitter to read my latest tweets – they show up on the main page of this blog, above my posts. But if you do want to subscribe, just request it… I have it set to private to keep the creeps and spammers away from me!) The word will certainly get out. And since I plan to labor at home through early labor I’ll probably make it over to blog about it before heading in anyways. ;)

My daughter is crazy. This is what happens at midnight the last few days. Needless to say, I don’t get to sleep for a while.

Well something may or may not be happening – at this point it could be anything. I’m having contractions, but it’s not like that hasn’t happened before several times. They’re very light, almost hard to tell I’m having one if I’m up and doing something. (At least they’re not the vice-grip won’t-let-go braxton hicks I’ve gotten used to – I have come to severely dislike those.)

The interesting part is how I react when it crosses my mind that, shit, I could go into labor at any second and have this baby.

First: Disbelief. There’s no way. Nooo. To try to wrap my brain around going to the hospital like I keep picturing in my head? To giving birth? Mental blankness.

Second: I’m not ready yet. No wonder I’ve been all calm when everyone close to me is all anxious to meet this baby. They don’t have to give birth, I do! I mean, I know I’ve been preparing myself for labor for weeks and all, but… am I really ready to bring home a baby? To be done with the pregnancy? Suddenly I feel like I wouldn’t be disappointed if this all just trails off and I end up pregnant for another week.

Third: Holy shit I need to clean my house. That’s like the first thing that occurred to me when I realized I’d had a couple of contractions – I jumped up and started cleaning the kitchen. Everything “dirty” or cluttered has been bothering me all day, I took a long nap… and now suddenly I feel like I must get it ALL done. I cannot have this baby until this house is clean! Spotless! I can’t come home to dishes! I can’t come home to clutter!

The little contractions are still putzing around. I guess it’s just a wait-and-see game. I didn’t really want to post anything until I’m sure I’m actually IN labor, but I also really want to write down everything. Just… don’t get too excited yet. I’m going to bed. If I wake up in labor, I’ll post. LOL

Update: Little contractions all night, I slept through most of it. Definitely didn’t wake up in full-fledged labor! So either this is just a precursor or a very slow start. I’m just going to take it easy today (or try to) in case it kicks in later.

Update 2: Well the contractions fizzled out after I woke up, so I went back to bed. Now it feels like I’m back to the same old waiting pattern. But I am encouraged that my body is getting prepared!

Well I am still pregnant, and not in labor. It appears that I am going to be visited by a few stretches of pre-labor contractions. I’m not upset to still be pregnant, but I can also see how this on-again off-again thing could really wear me out mentally.

The days are starting to blend together already, and it’s only my first week not working. I’d forgotten how unstructured life is – and how boring. Daytime TV sucks, so I don’t even bother turning it on. I can only sit at the computer for so long before my back starts getting sore. I’m trying my hardest not to recline. So that pretty much leaves cleaning/chores and sleeping. Today was a sleeping day. Don’t get me wrong, it feels good to just nap because I feel like it. But it also makes me feel like an utter slug. I finally forced myself to get up and take a shower to wake up… but then I was bored again. It was raining today so I couldn’t even go fiddle with the garden or anything. Sigh. If this state of boredom was going to continue I’d say I need a hobby… but hopefully Kate will be here soon to occupy me!

On the other side of things, as boring as it is to not work, when I am contracting or feeling simply exhausted it is really nice to be able to just putz around my house, sleep, and take care of myself. When I do go into labor I want to be here, where I’m comfortable, in my own little nest.

I’m going to have to come up with more outings for myself…. just one thing a day that I can set my mind to, get out of the house. I appreciate being busy…. just not so busy that I push myself too far. (I just have to make sure that “keeping busy” does not translate into “shopping”!)

I think I am certainly getting closer to that point of being ready and eager to give birth, to see my daughter, have this phase over with. I really can’t believe I’m only 6 days away from my due date. I feel like holy shit, I made it. I made it to the end… to the point where people are calling to make sure you haven’t gone into labor, when you’re fully prepped and just sitting back waiting. When your belly is big and round and makes people in stores eye you nervously. It’s amazing. It’s so real. And now… Now I’m getting ready for the really crazy part.

Okay, I admit it: I am starting to get a little tired of being uncomfortable. I am still sleeping okay, but she’s all up in my ribs so I can’t curl up much, if any. Which means I’m laying all stretched out, on my side. The belly is heavy, even with a pillow stuffed under it. But still, I sleep for several-hour stretches, so it’s not that bad. It’s during the day that I’m getting exhausted. I’m trying my best not to recline in my chair or on the couch. Sitting at my desk (I also think I need a new computer chair, but that is neither here nor there), sitting on my birth ball, laying on my side on the couch, sitting indian-style (my legs go numb)… it’s all getting a wee bit frustrating. Damnit sometimes I just want to slouch without a swift kick to the ribs. I want to be able to curl up. I want to be able to sit or sleep without some extremity falling asleep. I want to be able to bend at the waist. (I vaguely remember being able to do that in the past, long long ago…. what’s a waist, again?) It’s probably leading me to sleep more than I really need to – being awake is exhausting.

I also discovered today just how much stomach muscles you use while gardening. Here I’m thinking hands and knees, perfect! But then I start digging in the soil to plant things, my belly starts hurting, I’m sweating totally grossly (it was HOT today), and I realize…. okay, I can’t do as much as I thought I could. So I now have half the plants in the ground, half of them sitting in their little containers on top. It’s okay. I’ll get to them tomorrow.

And also…. I am ready to meet our baby. I want to see what she looks like, take pictures of her, hold her in my arms. I want her here safe and sound so I can close this chapter of waiting and KNOW that she’s okay, instead of just assuming that everything is going to be fine because she’s still moving around in there. I know Denis would certainly like to meet her, he’s far more anxious than I am (but then, he doesn’t have the closeness with her that I do, which has kept me grounded and sane this whole time.) It’s hard being due at the end of the month, because in my due date group online there are only a few of us left waiting to deliver – the rest of them already had their babies and it’s hard seeing all those baby pictures. I am still not in a space where I can honestly truly say, “That will be me soon!” I just look at them and think, holy shit, they have babies. They were pregnant, they gave birth, and now they have a baby. I hope that will be me soon.

I am having contractions practically all the time, and yet am not in labor. This, too, is making me cranky. I think I’d be handling the wait much better if I wasn’t contracting every night, making me wonder if the morning will bring labor. Because then I spend the whole night semi-anxious, and then I wake up not in labor. I’m wondering if the state of anticipation is not helping matters any. I need to start meditating. I am losing my calm. Sure, it’s excitement, not anxiety/fear, but still…. I would really prefer the calm.

And of course I am not mentioning any of this to the extended family because I think they are all wound far tighter than we are. Thankfully the only person calling me directly is my mom, but oh my if I don’t answer that phone for whatever reason (like, say, a NAP)… then when she does get ahold of me her voice is all tight and she sounds seriously strung-out. I realize that waiting from afar must be worse in some ways, but still… I am trying to maintain my zen here, people. Everyone needs to just chill out – this baby is coming when she wants to come, and it could be a while yet. I am so glad I am no longer working, because I know my coworkers are getting bombarded this week with customers asking if that girl had her baby yet. And me right now? Not really in the mood to field those questions.

The way some questions are phrased make me pause. Like today, when I mentioned something about the baby coming soon, the person in the store asked, “When are you scheduled?” I had to take a moment to phrase my answer to that one. Scheduled? Errrrr. There are people who ask, “When is the baby coming?” Uhhhh… when she wants to? And I honestly don’t know if people are simply phrasing the question wrong because they don’t know exactly how to ask how far along I am (because to most people, giving the answer in weeks pregnant is pretty useless)… or if it’s a shift in the general view of society and labor. Judging by how many people I see who DO have a scheduled induction/c-section date, the people who are asking me may actually expect that kind of answer. Craziness. I keep trying to remind people that a due date is not a “due by” date, that going overdue is normal and NOT to expect this baby to show up this week. Granted she may choose to, but I can only imagine how anxious people are going to get next week when that due date passes by and she’s still inside.

It’s really not so bad and I am absolutely fine with waiting her out, but just some frustrations this week. Honestly I’m glad I’m getting to the “feeling done” stage – I think that will help me transition much better, knowing that I made it all the way to the end.

Sometimes I wonder if my body is trying to go into labor – or at least gingerly testing the edges – but my unwillingness to let go is shutting it down. Some days it feels like I’m teetering right in the middle, but mentally I step backwards instead of forward. I’m pretty sure that by my due date I’ll be ready to step forward. And you know, that’s only 4 days away.

Some of you have seen already on twitter, I’ve been having contractions since about 3pm today. I still went out, ran errands, bought some plants. I had to stop in home depot and just hold my cart because one of them really hurt. But then I came home and put the plants in the ground (with Den’s help). After I came inside things started picking up. Wow, I do not remember contractions hurting this much until I was in HEAVY labor…. in fact, I’m absolutely sure I did not get ones this painful, making me gasp and rock, until I was 6cm. (I am definitely not 6cm. Just sayin’.) But I also know – and was prepared for – a longer early labor because of her position.

I’m getting lower back pain unless I lean forward or get down on my hands and knees. Den’s been rubbing my back while we watch a movie, me perched at the edge of the couch, legs apart, leaning slightly forward. I seem to weather them just fine that way. At first I tried leaning sideways up against Den to watch the movie…. ow ow, holy ow. A contraction hit and I couldn’t move, even though it was hurting pretty damn bad. I learned my lesson from that one.

From 8pm until 10pm they’ve been coming every 6-8 minutes. It’s weird, getting such strong contractions even though they’re not close enough together to warrant heading to the hospital. It’s just not consistent enough yet – some are really strong, some are just little waves. So weird.

For now I think we’re going to try to get some rest. I didn’t sleep well last night at all, I slept for maybe 4 hours total. I don’t want this to stall out, but if this is going to be a longer labor I need some rest. Hopefully this will continue progressing! I still don’t feel comfortable calling this labor for-sure… I think I’m in early labor, but it could very well stop and start up again in a day or two. But things are definitely happening, and that is a great sign!

Funny…. when I started getting the strong contractions I didn’t get anxious or start running around like mad like I did the other day. We’re both very calm, making sure the bags are ready to go, just in case.

Kate is moving around a lot, so no worries on that end. Very reassuring (though at times painful, when she’s stretching at the same time as a contraction.) I have a feeling she’s going to propel herself out of the womb, when the time comes, hehe.

Update: Contractions stopped almost entirely soon as I layed down. (And then I couldn’t sleep, ha.) I got back up to eat a snack and see if they’d start up again, but nope. Only getting one here and there. This is a near-textbook early labor of a posterior baby: long, start-and-stop, with strong contractions. I absolutely swear to you I can feel my body trying to turn her. I am doing what I can to help: hands-and-knees, birth ball, walking. I just feel like my body is trying to get this going, but until she drops properly into my pelvis I’m not going to hit high gear. And even though I can feel her back along my left side frequently now, I also feel her hands in front, which means her head is still facing the wrong way. So I am not surprized that it has stopped. Hopefully tomorrow it will start back up again when I’m up and active, and this time I’m going to be more aggressive about trying to get her to turn and drop.

Update 2: Scratch that. They started again, waking me up and nearly making me shoot straight up out of bed. Lost my plug (or most of it, I think), diarrhea, and the baby is low. The contractions aren’t really getting closer together, really (they vary between 4 and 10 minutes apart), but I’m really starting to think being in the hospital where there’s a fetal monitor might be a good thing for me right now. Also I am NOT looking forward to a 30 minute ride in a vehicle. These contractions hurt. I checked my cervix and was really really shocked – everything’s dropped and I have no idea how dilated I am, but I am definitely dilated.

First, can I say owwwwww? I tore pretty good, lol

And oh girls, have I a story for you. I can’t write it all cause I don’t have my laptop. But let me break it down: ctx started again at 3am. Hurt, a lot. BUT they weren’t getting closer together. 7-10 minutes apart. Didn’t want to go in so early, you know? So we waited. But they huurrttt. I was wiggling and whimpering. And I kept saying DUDE I do not remember early labor hurting so damn much!! (Should have been my sign)

So there we were, biding our time. Until a contraction hit and I started shaking and almost crying. Then we were both SHIT. HOSPITAL. NOW. I didn’t even know if I could make it to the car at that point. OMFG I wanted to cry iin the middle of our front yard as I hung on to Den for dear life. And then I felt it… I had to push. NOW. Got in truck, told Den to GO FAST. Called midwife, I’m gasping out who I am, birthdate, heading in HAVE TO PUSH.

Worst. Car ride. Ever. Clinging to the handle and shaking, pushing little pushes but not big ones. POP goes my water. ( Had grabbed a towel!)

BARELY make it to hospital. Someone gets wheelchair for me. I get in, shaking. Reg asks me questions, ped name, due date, sign this… omgwtf really?? Finally wheel me into triage. Get my pants off, onto bed. I asked to hear her heartbeat, there it was. HUGE relief. And 10 mins of good pushes and there she was. (Hurt like a mofo, but srsly not as painful as not-pushing in car!)

Soooo yeah. Ummmm, I apparently labor REALLY fast once they drop. Errrr, noted for next time.

Also, speed = tearing. And I have a couple stretch marks on my lower belly. Now I can’t be sure, because I couldn’t really SEE that area before, but I do not think I had those yesterday.

I think I’m still in shock. I’m all like, wow, okay, there’s a baby. Den’s all weepy over her and I just stare at her. I CANNOT wrap my brain around this.

My hooha hurts and I need a nap. LOL

Dropping off a pic! Though in our opinion pics don’t really capture her true cuteness.

I’d drop off more than one, but pretty much they all look the same. She sleeps non-stop and blows bubbles. LOL

At what point does this feel real?? Though I woke up from a nap and felt so disoriented and all where’s my belly?! Then I heard her squeak.

Also. Seeing my husband with his daughter? Quite possibly the best feeling ever. He is utterly smitten.

I could write out her birth story, but I’ll save that for later.

I could write about how amazing and wonderful and perfect life is now that she’s here. But I’m not going to.

Honestly, I think I’m in shock – like literal, feeling-pretty-numb shock. Everyone else around me is bursting into tears of joy and happiness and I was chit-chatting with the midwife while she stitched me up, as Denis hovered over Kate being weighed and measured. I feel only half-present, like I am walking in a dream world and I’m not sure what is real. It’s a really cool dream, but I’m just visiting and haven’t fully invested myself yet.

I’m writing instead of sleeping at 1am because when the lights went off suddenly all I could feel was my flabby post-partum belly and all I could think about was the last time I layed in a dark hospital delivery room with a flabby belly, 2 years ago. Even though my daughter is asleep and squeaking next to me, all I can remember is that overwhelming sense of loss and emptiness. I love being pregnant – I embrace it, adore it, become it. To most people, even those as attached to the state of pregnancy as I am, the sense of joy at their newly birthed child counterbalances the sadness of letting go of that state of being. But to me it’s different. Not only haven’t I even fully accepted that this child is real and whole and coming home with us, but the last time I lost the state of pregnancy I lost everything. This transition brings back all of it.

I have discovered that the best thing for me is skin-to-skin contact with Kate. When she is swaddled up tight she feels like someone else’s baby. I stare at her little face, this little face that is so new to me, and I struggle to make that connection. But unwrap her, lay her on my chest, let me feel her wiggles, let me hear her squeaks under my chin, let me brush my lips against her soft hair… and suddenly I know who she is. The curve of her body is so familiar. I recognize the shape of her feet. Her long toes and fingers are a mark of my genes. I close my eyes – I do not trust my eyes – but it’s the feel of her, the shape of her…. that I know. That I trust.

I look forward to getting out of the hospital, simply because it is unfamiliar and adds to this feeling of surreality.

This will pass, I know. Post-partum hormones certainly don’t help, but I know that things will settle, I’ll sort through the memories and the fears so I can be fully present. It just might take a little while.

Oh my god. We are home. With a baby. Like… a real baby, a live baby. We are both just… beyond. Beyond anything. Thrilled, terrified, amazed, joyful.

Yes, she was born yesterday and we’re home today! If we left before 48 hours were up we got a home visit from a nurse, and Den really wanted us to get that – plus he was going nuts in the hospital, especially with her cluster-feeding all day today, he really had nothing to do (and they have all of 5 TV channels). And me, well, I think I was scared to leave.

Getting dressed in street clothes, getting her dressed in her own clothes, packing up all of our stuff, it all felt like returning to real life. And then we wheeled our cart out of the hospital, which had our bags all on it… and the carseat with the baby in it. I’m not going to lie: we giggled the entire way out, saying, “Oh my god! We’re leaving! With a baby!” And our hearts pounded. Den’s especially – he was freaking out about driving us home.

Kate actually managed to fall asleep in the truck, after crying for a bit – I was worried about her screaming the whole way home, because all day all she’s done is either sleep, suckle, or scream. (Yes, my boobs hurt!) But then out she went! (And she’s still out, thus why I’m on the computer rather than feeding her again!) Denis carried her in the carseat into the house and into the bedroom, then went back out to bring all our stuff in. I sat down on the bed, covered my mouth with my hands, and just started crying as it all just overwhelmed me. She’s here. She’s really here, in my house. She’s ours. We have a BABY!

Now we just get to figure out the rest…

I’ll post pics later, I need to find a better way to edit them. No time!