So much at once
I could write out her birth story, but I’ll save that for later.
I could write about how amazing and wonderful and perfect life is now that she’s here. But I’m not going to.
Honestly, I think I’m in shock – like literal, feeling-pretty-numb shock. Everyone else around me is bursting into tears of joy and happiness and I was chit-chatting with the midwife while she stitched me up, as Denis hovered over Kate being weighed and measured. I feel only half-present, like I am walking in a dream world and I’m not sure what is real. It’s a really cool dream, but I’m just visiting and haven’t fully invested myself yet.
I’m writing instead of sleeping at 1am because when the lights went off suddenly all I could feel was my flabby post-partum belly and all I could think about was the last time I layed in a dark hospital delivery room with a flabby belly, 2 years ago. Even though my daughter is asleep and squeaking next to me, all I can remember is that overwhelming sense of loss and emptiness. I love being pregnant – I embrace it, adore it, become it. To most people, even those as attached to the state of pregnancy as I am, the sense of joy at their newly birthed child counterbalances the sadness of letting go of that state of being. But to me it’s different. Not only haven’t I even fully accepted that this child is real and whole and coming home with us, but the last time I lost the state of pregnancy I lost everything. This transition brings back all of it.
I have discovered that the best thing for me is skin-to-skin contact with Kate. When she is swaddled up tight she feels like someone else’s baby. I stare at her little face, this little face that is so new to me, and I struggle to make that connection. But unwrap her, lay her on my chest, let me feel her wiggles, let me hear her squeaks under my chin, let me brush my lips against her soft hair… and suddenly I know who she is. The curve of her body is so familiar. I recognize the shape of her feet. Her long toes and fingers are a mark of my genes. I close my eyes – I do not trust my eyes – but it’s the feel of her, the shape of her…. that I know. That I trust.
I look forward to getting out of the hospital, simply because it is unfamiliar and adds to this feeling of surreality.
This will pass, I know. Post-partum hormones certainly don’t help, but I know that things will settle, I’ll sort through the memories and the fears so I can be fully present. It just might take a little while.
I am just a lurker, but I also have a rainbow baby. I wanted to comment on your last post that the unreal feeling can last a long time. I also wanted to say that it can also be difficult for awhile. I actually drafted a response, but I didn’t want to sound negative. It is hard to wrap your brain around this new life and take another look at what you have lost. It is also hard to be a new mom. (I know that you have been a mother, but having a new baby can be hard for anyone – even mothers with other living children.) People don’t always talk about this side of things.
Kate is gorgeous. It is ok to be conflicted. The hormones are overwhelming, and your body and mind will need to adjust and recover. I wish you all the best.
Take your time sweetie. You have all the time in the world now. I can imagine the duality of it.
*hug*
I can’t get enough of that pic. You look so happy. So…. complete.
I think you have found a way to bond with her that works. After all you have been through, after how quickly she came it is perfectly understandable about how you feel.
You’re not alone in that feeling, that I already know. One of my best friend’s lost her first child shortly after birth, complication during labor. She got pregnant again 3 years later or so and 2nd baby came like Kate… FAST. She did all her laboring at home over the course of about a day and finally it was her mom that was like okay you’re going to the hospital and they barely made it into triage and boom baby was there. She told me it was absolutely surreal, even for the first few days after they brought the baby home. She would just stare at her like wow this is mine?! And of course, eventually everything clicked in, they fell into a routine and now said baby is 5 and a half years old with 2 other living siblings.
The point being, the previous loss and subsequent surrrealness of having pregnancy and labor result in a live healthy baby that came very quickly was just a lot for the mind to take in at once.
I’m sure there is so many emotions, so much for you to search through, but sweetie you have all the time in the world. There is no rush to make peace or sense of absolutely everything right now. It will come. You are doing perfectly right now, just as you are.
As PP said, it can be hard for a while. And it will feel surreal. But both of those things are okay, and you will pass through them in your own time, whatever that may be.
She is so, so beautiful.
Congrats to you! Some of us former infertility bloggers on facebook have been following you and we are all elated for you and your family.
That feeling is pretty familiar, even to those who haven’t experienced loss. You’ll feel beter once you leave the hospital.
Just want to say that you are a ROCKSTAR when it comes to having babies. Good for you.
Give yourself some time. She is so sweet–love your picture together ;-)
You both look wonderful. We love ya’ll and are very glad Kate is here for you.
You and she are gorgeous. :) I had some of that even without the trauma you’ve been through. Be gentle with yourself and take care. :)
Congrats on the new addition. I can’t imagine the complexity of emotions you’re going through, but I can say, you both look so comfortable with one another in that picture :)
It takes time, I lost a pregnancy and then went on to have a healthy child….I thought something was wrong with me when I did not really feel that immediate “bond” everyone talks about. It took a a little time before things felt “normal”. Before you know it you will fall into a “mommy-baby” rhythm that is just yours and Kate’s. The hormones certainly do a number on you and it can also feel surreal. You are amazing and Kate is absolutely beautiful! Congratulations!
She’s beautiful. Just like her mama. :)
I’ve never experienced the loss of a baby. But I’ll be honest. The hardest part of having my baby wasn’t the sleepless nights or worries or anything else. (Even recovery from an unwanted surprise cesarian).
The most difficult thing? Not being pregnant anymore. Yes, it was wonderful to see her and have her in my arms. But I grieved not having her inside anymore. Strange? Yes. Silly? Possibly. But still very very real. When I was alone in the shower I’d cry and cry and SOB.
Slowly I’ve been hearing stories like this from others, too. I definitely wasn’t alone in this feeling.
For you I can only guess a lot of your feelings are from your son’s loss. Kate came so quickly, too. You didn’t have 24 hours of gradual labour to adjust and to really get used to the idea of her being here. And also you might also be experiencing some of this Empty Belly Blues.
Anyway, I’m basically just babbling…
This whole process is indeed surreal for so many reasons. I hope going home is a great experience for you. That shouldn’t bee to far away!
^^sorry about the typos^^ I actually can spell!
Going home shouldn’t *be* *too* far away.
Nat, I haven’t lost a baby and I still felt the way you are describing. Take one moment at a time, bond in whichever way works for you. It takes a lon time to adjust and for reality to set in.
Congrats again on your beautiful baby girl!
The post partum hormones are brutal. You are the wisest person I have ever known. To admit these feelings is so wise..to give yourself time to adjust to your new life is so smart. Don’t ever give yourself a hard time or feel guilty for these reactions to your non-pregnant state, to your new little Kate. They are normal for someone who didn’t loose a son two years ago..for someone who isn’t struggling with those dark memories. People around you will NOT understand your reactions, don’t let that bother you either. There may be more pressure upon you from them to show joy and reverence and whatever else everyone expects from someone who has been through your journey. Heck, they expect it from any new mom. But you are owning you feelings, as you always have, and I can tell from reading you the past two years that you won’t let them pressure you. I wish, wish I had had your strength and courage when I sat in the hospital, feeling numb and floating, trying to take it all in, feeling amazingly sad at the little creature next to me..sad at her vulnerability…wanting to go back to the week b/f I had her and all the excitement i felt then. I didn’t know what I was feeling was normal. It made me feel like a non-human. I was a mother, but it took me a year to feel like a mom. And it took me that long to get used to the fact that I had a daughter! Stay brave and honest, Natalie. This is the biggest adjustment you’ll ever have to make.
So many congrats. I can’t even describe how happy I am for you both. I still have those moments of not really believing he’s ours, 11 months later. I can’t wait to see her grow and see you as a mother. HUGE hugs, sweetie.
Your Kate is beautiful. I’m so happy and relieved that she’s in your arms.
My daughter was born almost a month ago and I still sometimes feel that ‘is this real…is she mine’ feeling. After my first child, Owen, died- so much changed inside of me and so much was changed outside of me as well.
The hormones suck. I’ll just be honest. WIth everything we went through with our first children and the post partum hormones of that experience, these new post partum hormones of having a living child home with us, honestly, feel very similar.
A good friend of mine told me that we’re dealing with normal post partum hormones but not a normal post partum situation. So true.
I say all this not to be negative or to pull you down, but to say… be gentle on yourself and remind yourself when you are feeling weird that it won’t always feel this way. I also found spending as much time skin to skin with my daughter to be the most relaxing and calming thing for me. It helped tremendously.
I felt like a different person after two weeks of having Hannah home with us. The dream like feelings have lessened and the hormones have evened out.
Hannah is a joy and such a treasure. Just like her brother.
sending hugs your way,
ebe
I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it time and time again: I didn’t really know, didn’t really truly know what I lost when I lost Cora because I’d never been a mother before. So when I brought Erin home, I was experiencing what I had only previously imagined I’d lost.
And that unreal feeling…I was there too. I had immense amounts of babysitting experience, so I kept waiting for her real mother to come get her and take her away. The only time she truly felt like she was mine was when I was nursing her. That was something I hadn’t ever done for a baby I babysat. Sometimes I still look at her and can’t believe she’s mine.
I think part of that unreal feeling is that when you’ve dreamed and imagined of something happening in the future for so long, it can be hard to accept that it’s real. That those daydreams are now reality. I’ve felt that way with a couple of different things in my life.
That time in the hospital is such a blur to me. My husband accused me of being “out of it.” At the time I thought it was because I had a c-section, but I’ve talked to a lot of new moms who feel the same way.
For me it was being at home, rocking my baby in the early morning hours, that felt like a miracle.
I still have those moments, and he’s two years old. And I haven’t suffered nearly as much loss as you have.
I’m so thrilled for you, Nat.
xxx
You have already gotten so much WISE advice. So let me just say what a beautiful photo that is of you and Kate!!!
I experienced similar emotions and then felt awful that I hadn’t bonded with my daughter like others do. I think it was probably 6 weeks before I finally settled into feeling like her mom and that immense bond formed.
Even without the previous loss, I sobbed after Thomas was born b/c he was “too far away from me” when Josh held him. :\ Love you sweetheart. You’ll be an amazing mom to Kate, and an amazing mom to Devin in your heart. ::hug::
Oh my goodness, I don’t check your blog for a few days and now this! Congratulations a million times over!
(and yes the feeling of needing to push but you can’t is like the worst thing ever)
It made me tear up to hear you talk about her snuggled in with you skin to skin. I know you’re good about this, but take vidoe of you with her while she is tiny. I know it doesn’t seem like she’s “doing” anything but those little squeaks don’t last long.
That picture, wow. You have that serene joy look on your face. You are one proud mommy and she is one beautiful baby.
You don’t know me, but I follow your blog as we were pregnant at the same time in 2008 and I knew you from JM. Reading what you write seems to always move me to tears. I am so happy for you and hope you are doing well.
Beautiful and I am so happy for you and D. Over the moon! *hugs* Love and good squishy feelers to you all.
OMG, congrats!!!! I’ve been waiting (well, not JUST me, me and a whole lot of other readers) and she’s finally here.
I am so very very happy for you and Denis.
It’s funny- like Sandy mentioned, my husband also kept saying I was “out of it”. And I guess I was at first. I felt really guilty because it all seemed so surreal to me, and I would look at her as if she were someone else’s baby. I thought I would have this moment of intense, complete bonding the instant she was placed on my chest, or latched on to nurse, but it just didn’t happen that way. Doesn’t sound like you’re feeling badly about it, but just in case you are, hopefully this will ease your mind. She’s a gorgeous babe, by the way, and though I don’t know you IRL, have been thinking of you all weekend.
I went through the same thing when my twins were born (they are now 2). They were in the NICU and I was in my hospital room unable to move much after my c-section. All I could focus on was their absence. They were no longer in my belly and I mourned that. The fact that they were alive and well in another part of the hospital felt abstract to me.
I promise you that the numbness you are feeling now will evolve in to a love like you have never known. My boys are my heart and soul and I am in love like never before.
Just ride this out. And don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s very normal.
Love the gorgeous pics!
Carrie
Those feelings are all too familiar and it will take some time before it all feels real. Let the post partum hormones take over. Cry if you need to. It helps with the entire process. Trust me.
Once again, congratulations to you and Den on such wonderful news and an absolutely adorable baby girl. Welcome to the world, Kate!
SHE’S HERE! YAY! Congrats!! Loves to you both.
Congrats Natalie! She’s a beauty! I am so happy for you and your husband. The hormones will make you feel crazy in the coming weeks, but they will pass. I know that Devin is watching over his little sister!
Natalie,
I am so happy for you! I have been checking your blog every few days waiting for the great news. As soon as I read the post and saw the picture I started crying tears of joy for you. I felt the same way as you, looking at Ty was different than holding him. When I hold him all is right in my world. Enjoy her!
So happy for you. skin to skin contact is surely the best thing for her, too. I was the same with my kids–swaddled up tight, they felt too far away from me. Give yourself time. Bonding and recovering from birth can take some time under the best of circumstances. That you were experiencing so much sadness the last time you did this is no small thing.
again, so happy for you! congratulations!
Oh Natalie that is the most beautiful picture I have ever seen.
I am another lurker. It’s a bad term, but I’ve never felt I had anything to add until today. I had two first trimester losses, which is how I came to read Serenity and then you. I’ve been following since Devin’s birth. Like you, I’m not religious. But I have been thinking about you and asking the universe to bring you to this moment. Hoping you will be kind to yourself through it. I’ve been through not a millionth of what you have. But I do have depression and I have had two babies and I can tell you that those first few weeks the hormones alone, plus the predisposition to depression and the sleeplessness…it’s not the greatest combo, especially when everything says you’re supposed to feel unadulterated bliss. Add in your history and I am not surprised you are feeling what you’re feeling. I want to tell you first and foremost congratulations on that darling baby girl that you deserve so much. And second I want to tell you to be kind to yourself. Let yourself feel your feelings but try to remind yourself that they are 99 percent a product of a massive hormone shift in your body that will regulate soon. You are a wonderful mommmy, to both your children, and you are going to love this new life you are bringing home with you. Give yourself some time to adjust and don’t be afraid of the antidepressant/breastmilk combo. I did it with both my kids and they are fine fine fine. I, however, would not have been fine without the drugs.
Congratulations, again, to you. She is beautiful and I am so so happy for you.
Yup, I look at this picture and I see a mama!
Oh my goodness! So much to comment on. First of all, Kate is GORGEOUS and the content look on your face speaks volumes. Her birth story! Wow! And OW! And wow! Good luck riding the roller coaster of the postpartum hormones and all of the old memories that are bound to resurface. It might not be easy all the time, but I hope the joy Kate brings to your life will help to pull you through the rough spots. Congratulations again on the safe and healthy birth of your beautiful baby girl. I look forward to reading about how you’re all doing whenever you have a chance to update us.
Long time lurker delurking to say a HUGE congratulations! Kate is beautiful and so are you Mamma. Devin is smiling down on his family right now.
xxx
Oh, Natalie. I read all the birth/baby posts together and in chronological order and this was where I started crying. Beautiful mama and daughter photo! Just cuddle that baby, hold Devin close too, when he comes to you, and be gentle with yourself. *hugs*
It makes me so happy to see you with baby Kate. Glad you figured out about the skin-to-skin contact – it doesn’t feel that different from having her wiggle in your belly, so it kinda reminds you it’s the same person.
The hormones are tough. I remember that part lasting about a week, and then it gets better.