Okay, I admit it: I am starting to get a little tired of being uncomfortable. I am still sleeping okay, but she’s all up in my ribs so I can’t curl up much, if any. Which means I’m laying all stretched out, on my side. The belly is heavy, even with a pillow stuffed under it. But still, I sleep for several-hour stretches, so it’s not that bad. It’s during the day that I’m getting exhausted. I’m trying my best not to recline in my chair or on the couch. Sitting at my desk (I also think I need a new computer chair, but that is neither here nor there), sitting on my birth ball, laying on my side on the couch, sitting indian-style (my legs go numb)… it’s all getting a wee bit frustrating. Damnit sometimes I just want to slouch without a swift kick to the ribs. I want to be able to curl up. I want to be able to sit or sleep without some extremity falling asleep. I want to be able to bend at the waist. (I vaguely remember being able to do that in the past, long long ago…. what’s a waist, again?) It’s probably leading me to sleep more than I really need to – being awake is exhausting.

I also discovered today just how much stomach muscles you use while gardening. Here I’m thinking hands and knees, perfect! But then I start digging in the soil to plant things, my belly starts hurting, I’m sweating totally grossly (it was HOT today), and I realize…. okay, I can’t do as much as I thought I could. So I now have half the plants in the ground, half of them sitting in their little containers on top. It’s okay. I’ll get to them tomorrow.

And also…. I am ready to meet our baby. I want to see what she looks like, take pictures of her, hold her in my arms. I want her here safe and sound so I can close this chapter of waiting and KNOW that she’s okay, instead of just assuming that everything is going to be fine because she’s still moving around in there. I know Denis would certainly like to meet her, he’s far more anxious than I am (but then, he doesn’t have the closeness with her that I do, which has kept me grounded and sane this whole time.) It’s hard being due at the end of the month, because in my due date group online there are only a few of us left waiting to deliver – the rest of them already had their babies and it’s hard seeing all those baby pictures. I am still not in a space where I can honestly truly say, “That will be me soon!” I just look at them and think, holy shit, they have babies. They were pregnant, they gave birth, and now they have a baby. I hope that will be me soon.

I am having contractions practically all the time, and yet am not in labor. This, too, is making me cranky. I think I’d be handling the wait much better if I wasn’t contracting every night, making me wonder if the morning will bring labor. Because then I spend the whole night semi-anxious, and then I wake up not in labor. I’m wondering if the state of anticipation is not helping matters any. I need to start meditating. I am losing my calm. Sure, it’s excitement, not anxiety/fear, but still…. I would really prefer the calm.

And of course I am not mentioning any of this to the extended family because I think they are all wound far tighter than we are. Thankfully the only person calling me directly is my mom, but oh my if I don’t answer that phone for whatever reason (like, say, a NAP)… then when she does get ahold of me her voice is all tight and she sounds seriously strung-out. I realize that waiting from afar must be worse in some ways, but still… I am trying to maintain my zen here, people. Everyone needs to just chill out – this baby is coming when she wants to come, and it could be a while yet. I am so glad I am no longer working, because I know my coworkers are getting bombarded this week with customers asking if that girl had her baby yet. And me right now? Not really in the mood to field those questions.

The way some questions are phrased make me pause. Like today, when I mentioned something about the baby coming soon, the person in the store asked, “When are you scheduled?” I had to take a moment to phrase my answer to that one. Scheduled? Errrrr. There are people who ask, “When is the baby coming?” Uhhhh… when she wants to? And I honestly don’t know if people are simply phrasing the question wrong because they don’t know exactly how to ask how far along I am (because to most people, giving the answer in weeks pregnant is pretty useless)… or if it’s a shift in the general view of society and labor. Judging by how many people I see who DO have a scheduled induction/c-section date, the people who are asking me may actually expect that kind of answer. Craziness. I keep trying to remind people that a due date is not a “due by” date, that going overdue is normal and NOT to expect this baby to show up this week. Granted she may choose to, but I can only imagine how anxious people are going to get next week when that due date passes by and she’s still inside.

It’s really not so bad and I am absolutely fine with waiting her out, but just some frustrations this week. Honestly I’m glad I’m getting to the “feeling done” stage – I think that will help me transition much better, knowing that I made it all the way to the end.

Sometimes I wonder if my body is trying to go into labor – or at least gingerly testing the edges – but my unwillingness to let go is shutting it down. Some days it feels like I’m teetering right in the middle, but mentally I step backwards instead of forward. I’m pretty sure that by my due date I’ll be ready to step forward. And you know, that’s only 4 days away.