No emotional breakdowns today, but I’m in a pissy mood. It appears that everything is going to continue to be a struggle until Denis gets home.

The truck died again, and this time trying to jump-start it myself didn’t work. I ended up just getting a membership to AAA and then later calling someone to jump it. It did start, but not easily, so I drove it to the repair shop where it will be tomorrow, getting a new battery and getting looked over. If we’re lucky it will be JUST the battery. But this means that tomorrow – like today – I’m stuck with my car, which means walking up a nice icy hill to my job, since the car cannot make it up if it’s slippery.

Now that I’m spending more time with Zeeke I’ve been noticing a couple of little things that needs to get checked out by a vet. Little lumps on his back and chest (probably fatty cysts), a very raw mouth (I’m thinking possibly caused by anxiety/obsessive licking), those two stupid toenails. And getting the rest of his nails cut would be a good idea. But I’ll wait until Den gets home to take him in. I am so not handling that one alone. As long as there’s no emergency… and there had better not be.

I’m finishing the christmas shopping and wrapping presents. I’m addressing cards and mailing gifts. I’m putting up decorations, fixing broken lights.

Even things you just don’t even think about, like getting a delivery of propane. The tank is in the backyard, which requires using the gate. Well, there is still snow – heavy, wet snow. So what do I do? Put off the delivery until next week and hope I don’t run out? Or attempt to move snow so I can open the gate? Should I even be trying to shovel heavy snow??

The weather isn’t really cooperating still, either. Yesterday was a terrible day, first big fat snow, then sleet, then rain and fog. That slush froze on my walkway. Yeah, it’s great.

I am getting plenty of sleep, but I just feel exhausted from having to deal with all of it by myself. Any of the pieces by themselves are not a problem really – an irritation or minor concern, maybe. But there’s something very different when you’re the ONLY one who can deal with all of them, and they’re all coming at once.

BUT. As far as baby is concerned I am doing GREAT. I feel fine – really really good, in fact. Despite the big boobs and the little rounding belly, I am actually feeling less pregnant than I did before. I’m not sick, I’m not feeling so much ligament pains and twinges. Bloating has gone way down as well. I just feel…. good. Sure, I get out of breath climbing stairs, and once in a while it feels like someone squashes my bladder. And I am rather glad for those little reminders.

Of course the best little reminders are the little tiny pokes I get in my belly. They are still so so soft, I find myself constantly second-guessing myself. But I’ve had a few that I knew without a doubt were the baby. Also sometimes I get this stretching, pushing, rolling feeling in my belly. Very distinctive. I just love it. I do find myself laying here in the evenings, hand on my belly, asking the baby to do more for me. Yes, I am greedy. The little pokes are fine. But oh would I love to feel a good solid kick.

2 weeks until my anatomy ultrasound. And less than one week until Den comes home.

Still so busy. Didn’t get home until 8pm today, at which time I practically inhaled a salad I picked up on the way home. Appointments, picking up prescriptions, stopping to get milk. Then running home to take the dogs out and feed the brood. (Forgot to buy canned cat food. F*ck.) Tomorrow I get off at 4pm, have to pick up the now-repaired truck by 5pm, and have no idea how I’m supposed to do that since I am one person and will have two vehicles to drive home. I have presents to wrap. Presents to BUY. I am searching for my sanity, has anyone seen it?

Five more days, five more days, five more days…..

My tailbone is really starting to ache, which does not bode well since it is so early yet for that. On the drive home it was hurting and then I started getting low down jolts – maybe cervix, maybe not. After a little while I they started to worry me. I don’t like things out of the ordinary. I started thinking, Baby, are you okay in there? I hope you are. I know I felt you a lot last night. But I’d really appreciate feeling something tonight, too, just to be sure. A few minutes later I felt a pop on my lower left. I laughed out loud. Point taken, baby. I love you, too. (The twinges stopped when I got out of the car.)

17 weeks. I am up 5 lbs total. Online sites tell me baby should be around 5.3 inches crown-to-rump and weighs about 5 ounces. That still seems so tiny, and yet so big compared to where we started.

I absolutely, positively am in love. I love feeling the baby move, little bumps and jiggles. I could just close my eyes and melt away in my joy. Oh yes, this is why I loved pregnancy so much. This was why I glowed.

I’m feeling baby move a lot more often now. It seemed that just this week it really picked up – I had been feeling something every few days, but the last few days it’s been every evening. I’m feeling a lot more, and in more places – even to the front now, which surprizes me a little. I do tend to feel kicks mostly to the sides and top, but once in a while I get one to the front. It feels much more active in there, more alive. I also feel a lot more pressure/pushing… like baby is shoving in one direction, like when Devin used to stretch his legs. It’s a prolonged feeling instead of quick, and just feels kind of odd, really.

I love that I seem to have active babies.

I have tried laying my hand on my belly to see if I can feel anything from the outside, but so far yet I have no answer to that, as this baby stubbornly refuses to kick while my hand is on my belly. It all stops completely. This one is going to be troublesome, like Devin was.

My belly is starting to feel heavy. It seems to depend on the baby’s position – and how full my bladder is – but there are many times in a day where I just feel tender and full in my lower belly. Leaning up against the counter at all is not comfortable.

I had another customer today ask if I was expecting. This time, with this particular person, I did not feel like enlightening her on my past history. I just smiled politely when my husband has no previous children (she knows he is older and was married previously). But I did wince inwardly when, in her excitement, she said, “Well I’m sure everything will go fine, you’re so young!” Oh, lady, if you only knew how wrong you are. I just kept smiling and murmured that I am sure she is right, everything will be fine.

I am surprized so far it’s only happened twice so far. I think the belly is getting pretty obvious… as are the boobs.

I am so excited! Baby’s kicks are getting stronger every day – this evening I got two really nice, very unmistakable pops on my right, similar to what I believe Devin’s first kicks felt like (well, the first kicks of his that I recognized, at least). Devin’s first kick was at 17w3d. And today I am 17w2d. But unlike then, when it was just that one, I am feeling a lot of movement now. Before the kicks I felt a lot of that pressure-rolling-ball-in-my-belly feelings that I get when baby is active and moving and stretching forward. I’m also pretty sure I felt some bumps while I was at work, sitting down. I do have to be laying down in bed to feel the big movements, though.

My belly feels very heavy today. Lots of discomfort, some stretching/ligament pains, and mostly just a full tenderness in my lower belly. My under-belly pants felt uncomfortable today, I didn’t want anything pressing on me at all. It may be time to switch to all over-belly pants. It’s not a sharp, “bad” pain, that much I know… just a gurgly, gassy, stretching discomfort. Things are growing. It’s all good… I just made some faces while sitting there.

We are having some cold, cold weather here in new england. It is making my life more difficult because the snow that is still on the ground is frozen – but at least the driveways and walkways are completely clear. The cold itself is hard, though, mostly on my feet and legs. I go to bed every night with a microwaved heat pack down at my feet, to stave off the inevitable foot cramps I get every night. It actually seems to work pretty well at preventing the worst of them. I wish we had a hot tub right now, just to dangle my feet in. Every year I forget how cold I get during the winter… being pregnant doesn’t seem to help much, if at all. I will not be the pregnant lady wearing t-shirts all winter, I can tell you that right now. I’m the one shivering in my maternity turtlenecks.

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Zeeke, our shepherd, had terrible separation anxiety when we first got him. He was a year old when we adopted him from a local shelter. His previous owner had dropped him off there and never looked back. Granted some days I can see WHY, but still. I don’t know if he was always anxious or if it was triggered by being dumped, but it was horrible. He’d just panic. One time a front window was open and Zeeke busted the screen trying to get out, just because we stepped out front and closed the door. One of the reasons we got him a crate was because every day when we’d leave the house for work or whatever he’d freak out and start destroying furniture….. just because his anxiety was SO high. At least the crate calmed him down a lot, though it took a while. Now he’s 6 years old and we’re finally able to leave him out of his crate when we’re at work. We do lock the dogs in the bedroom to contain them, but both dogs now just sleep on our bed while we’re gone. A far cry from the dog who would howl and throw himself at doors and windows when left alone.

But… it still definitely resurfaces from time to time. The poor guy is feeling just so vulnerable right now. He’s scared daddy might never come home. For several years Zeeke wasn’t allowed up on the bed – unless Den was out of town. Then Zeeke got a free pass to the bed, because it’s the only thing that seems to calm him down. Currently Zeeke is asleep next to me on the bed, head on the corner of my pillow, nose tucked under my arm. And this is not a dog who is very sweet with me normally – he worships the ground Denis walks on and is very much a one-owner dog. I am a part of his pack and he is fond of me in many ways, even loves me – I have absolutely no doubt that he would protect me to the death if I were ever in danger. He’s just not overly affectionate towards me, usually. But right now, with his daddy gone? He just seems so desperate for comfort. Every morning and every evening I have to fawn over him, tell him what a good, sweet boy he is, give him kisses and pets and loves. Of course he moans like this is a terrible thing, ew mom, don’t kiss my nose! He makes snarly faces and pushes me away with his paws…. and then soon as I make a move as if to stop and walk away he puts his ears down, whimpers pathetically and rolls over, as if to say, “Don’t stop, mom, do it again!” It’s actually quite hysterical.

So Zeeke and I, we keep each other company, waiting for daddy to return. The only difference is that I know he’ll be coming back. I’m not sure Zeeke will ever be sure of that.

This pregnancy’s rule: absolutely no milk before lunch. Any other time of day and I’m totally fine. Breakfast cereal or glass of milk? Sick all day. Hmm. Odd. Okay.

Underbelly pants are definitely NOT going to work anymore. That combined with the icky-stomach, made me feel rather ill. No throwing up… just feeling like I sometimes I wanted to. It feels like my lower belly just popped out all of a sudden. I don’t know if it looks like it, or if it’s just a lot more tender. But baby also feels higher.

Baby was much quieter today. Or rather, was probably in a different position than the last few days. No good solid kicks, just a lot of those stretchy underwater undulations. Enough to reassure me that it’s still there. Though I know at this point I can’t exactly count on consistent movement every evening. I’m trying to think back… I don’t remember when it got really consistent with Devin. (Not this early, I know, since I was just starting to feel movement.)

Ow! Ow! Footcramp! Guess that’s my sign to go to sleep now.

I can’t believe how active this baby is. I always thought Devin was an active baby – he certainly was in the evenings. But I’m only 17 weeks and all week I’ve been feeling movement daily. Very consistent in the evenings, but also during the day I’m noticing I get kicks when I’m at my desk, in my car. It makes me wonder if this baby ever sleeps. I mean, I’ve been laying here for like 2 hours and the baby hasn’t stopped…. I keep getting more kicks – in the lower front, too. (Sometimes the lower left side, and those ones are a little ouchy!) I was shocked to feel movement as early as I did, and now I find myself still taken aback daily.

It amused me greatly that as I’m watching the penguin on Happy Feet dance around and tap his feet on TV I was feeling my little one tapping away inside.

It has started to snow, we are supposed to get 8″ is what they’re saying now (but that keeps changing). I have nowhere to be, nothing to do besides wrap presents, so I’ll just sleep in, eat, watch TV and do some wrapping. Sounds great. But… unfortunately it was also the day Den was supposed to be getting home – and he won’t be now. Had to rebook his flight for Monday. Bummer, but it’s probably better than trying to travel in a storm anyways. Everything should be cleaned up around here by Monday morning. (I love living in an area where we can get a huge storm and everything is back to normal the very next day.)

First, a fabulous post by Tash is up on Glow In The Woods. Infertility and baby loss.

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I find myself not mourning much as I go through this, retracing the steps that I’ve taken once before with a baby who never came home. I don’t have many flashbacks, and the joy I feel at reaching these milestones once again are not overcome with shadow sadness. Actually… feeling the joy now makes me remember the joy I had with Devin. I excitedly tell people how similar this or that is to my first pregnancy. I remember how this felt. It helps me feel closer to Devin’s memories.

But at the same time, I find myself kind of hoping for a girl this time around. It’s easier for me to picture a girl than a boy… I think when I think about a little boy the lines start to get a little blurred. A girl is different, separate. Early on this pregnancy I took out all of Devin’s baby clothes and sorted them into “neutral” and “boy” clothes. Giving the baby the neutral clothes is easy. But the boy clothes… that’s harder. I’m not sure if I’m ready to have another little boy… but at the same time I want one to fill that void.

Of course we will find out next week and will be thrilled either way. I’m just excited to know, to give it a name, to start using pronouns and stop with this he/she/it thing.

I will be 19 weeks when we find out boy or girl, and to me that seems appropriate. There was a reason I didn’t want to find out earlier, and yes I think it was holding myself back from bonding quite that intimately too soon. 20 weeks is the cut-off, that medical divider between miscarriage and stillbirth. There is something in my head holding back a little bit until that point – or at least, until this point, I think we’ve gotten there sooner than I expected. Now that I can feel the baby moving around all the time, I think my heart is lost regardless. If this baby were to die now I would choose another labor and birth, it would get its name. It is my second child.

It is horrible that I even need to think those things, to plan for death even while we hope for life. But that’s just what happens after such a loss, you start making contingency plans. I find myself doing that even with my husband, my marriage. I layed in bed last night and found my mind wandering, planning where I would live, what I would do with the pets, if something happened to Den. And it wasn’t in a panicky, anxious kind of way, either – it felt like I was planning my meals for the next day, running through a checklist and comparing different options. Then I realized what I was doing and felt slightly foolish – but only slightly. Like I said, it’s just something that I do now. And if it helps me to feel a little more secure to have such a contingency plan in place, if only in my head, so be it.

The normal morning-sickness nausea has gone. However. There’s this little thing called heartburn that can cause the most hellish episodes of throwing up that I have experienced, as instead of throwing up food I’m throwing up stomach acid. It’s pretty awful. They happen in the middle of the night, usually eating something that my pregnant body does not agree with. I’m still trying to figure out the eating rules of this pregnancy. No chinese food and no apples before bed, that’s what I’ve got so far.

But this morning I had slept well, no heartburn, no problem. Somewhat gaggy, but that’s not unusual (still). As I was leaving for work I realized I hadn’t taken my vitamins and medications the night before, so I quickly took them as I ran out the door. It was about an hour later, after I had arrived at the office, when I realized my folly. I had half a mind to go to the bathroom to go pee, but very quickly my stomach turned and up came those damn vitamins. But the worst part was that horrid dissolved-pill taste that was stuck on my tongue, which made me keep gagging and throwing up again and again. I just couldn’t get that awful taste out of my mouth.

And that is why I ended up in a quiet corner on the phone to my husband, whispering, “Honey, I have a very strange request… Can you bring me some clean underwear?”

Thank the light I was wearing a pantyliner, or it would have been much, much worse.

::

But regardless of the not-so-fun and definitely not-so-glamorous aspects of pregnancy, I find myself enjoying it more and more. I love how I feel when I am pregnant. I feel beautiful. I feel peaceful. And I feel totally in awe every time this little one squirms and kicks me from within.

And if it comes along with throwing up, heartburn, and peeing myself… well, then at least I have some funny stories to tell later.

I love Christmas. It holds so many special memories for me, such wonder and joy. It is always Christmas morning that I loved the most, getting up first to plug in the tree and then step back and admire the whole picture. It was a magical moment.

Now that I live so far from my parents, my first home, I hold tight to traditions that I might otherwise not have. The little things make a big difference to me. Denis really struggled the first few years we had Christmas together, because I wasn’t very good at telling him what I needed (I hadn’t entirely figured it out yet), and yet when something wasn’t right I would get upset. Like putting the lights on the tree wrong – we had a fight over that one the first year. He didn’t understand why I needed him to do it, if I knew how I wanted it done. But my dad always put the lights on the tree. Same with stocking stuffers; stocking stuffers were always small things like nuts, soap, scratch tickets, and they all must be wrapped in tissue paper – not wrapping paper, mind, tissue paper. Presents must all get wrapped, bows appreciated, and put under the tree. And my tree, well I decorate by theme. The first few years I did silver and blue, but the last two I’ve done burgandy and gold. For a very obvious reason I do not buy fancy ornaments – just the cheapest shatterproof shiny colored balls (we have tree-climbing cats). All of it helps me feel a little bit more like home.

Christmas morning Den and I sit by the tree with the dogs and open our stockings and gifts to each other. Christmas eve and the rest of Christmas day is spent with his family. I do think it’s important to spend Christmas with family, but at the same time it always makes me ache inside, missing mine. Last year was really miserable, dealing with the first Christmas when we were supposed to have a baby in our arms, plus we found out our first attempted IVF cycle to get pregnant again didn’t work. No, last year was really not a good Christmas.

This year I didn’t fear too much for another repeat, because I have such a wonderful gift I am carrying inside me. We went out to eat last night, the two of us, then spend the rest of the evening with some of his family. It was fun, relaxing, comfortable. It was good. I was trying to feel some bigger kicks from baby, but it wasn’t to be – I do believe he/she was facing downward, because I kept getting pokes to my ovary (which are very uncomfortable, by the way). I think this baby is going to be a lot like Devin, and not be very active when around other people.

Unfortunately by 10pm I could feel myself starting to lose it a little bit, little temper flares that mean I am over-tired and hormonal. I tried to make sure we left before I really lost it, but Den was watching a movie and wanted to stay until the end. So unfortunately in the car Den said or did something and I started crying, angry at Den and then just sobbing for no reason at all. Once we got in the house I sobbed for a while longer – about missing my family, missing Devin, and in large part just feeling irrationally hormonal. That was fun. I was kicking myself for not leaving sooner, before I hit that point, but oh well… I always think I can do just a little bit more. Thankfully after about an hour I was able to calm down, take some breaths, and Den and I finished off Christmas eve with a present he got us (a new comforter for the bed! that actually fits it!).

This morning has been lovely, exchanging presents and making pancakes on our new electric griddle. Den really did very well on the stocking stuffers this year, I’m so proud of him, heehee. But the most excited member of our family was Zeeke! He was hilarious. First thing we did was give him his new toy, which I had wrapped. He started ripping at the paper and we encouraged him on, so he had a great time ripping it open! I gave Zoe her present, but she doesn’t understand paper at all, so she just stared at it – and when I started opening it Zeeke ran over, grabbed it from me, and ripped the paper off. Next came our stocking stuffers, but Zeeke was not content to watch us open them! He had to run over and “help” pull the tissue paper off of each one. Finally he ended up puncturing something, so we had to go get the big giant bone to distract him the rest of the morning. All in all it was a huge success for him. LOL

I hope everyone is having a peaceful Christmas day.

It kind of sucks as an adult, when the day after christmas you don’t have any cool toys to play with. I’m 27 and it still feels a little weird to be the adult, thinking about cleaning up rather than figuring out how to dump out all my toys to play with them all at once. (Of course that doesn’t mean I actually did any cleaning, but it did cross my mind!)

It also sucks to have to drag your ass out of bed, shower, get dressed and go to work the day after christmas. It just doesn’t seem right.

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My belly feels so heavy lately, I find myself often rubbing it along the bottom. The other day I was holding it lightly and started shifting from foot to foot, swaying back and forth and I felt everything inside move side to side, like a big balloon of water was sloshing around in there, a very strange feeling! Which it is, really – a big uterus full of fluid. It reminded me that even though the baby only weighs half a pound, everything else weighs considerably more!

This baby’s movements don’t seem to have any rhyme or reason, yet. They do come most predictably when I am sitting or laying still somewhere quiet – usually in bed – but other than that there’s not much predictability. Last week I was feeling a lot of rolling, stretching movements – this week it seems to be predominantly kicks, much less frequently than I felt things last week. The good part is that I have been able to feel two kicks with my hand, but I wish they came more often! Even where the movement is changes from day to day, minute to minute. Top right, bottom left, dead center, bottom right… I never know where it’s coming next. Obviously the baby still have plenty of room to move around in there. And kicks to the front are still very light compared to the top and sides. Kicking my left ovary still seems to be a favorite, I get that one every couple of days, and then it’ll just keep happening for an hour or two. Apparently it’s in the baby’s way.

Much to my frustration I find myself getting more paranoid instead of less. I know part of it is the fact that the ultrasound is creeping up. It’s easy to be excited about an ultrasound, but I also start to get more and more paranoid as it gets closer. I find myself stopping whatever I’m doing to sit down, lean back, and wait to feel something, to tell me it’s still alive. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. I just have this huge fear of going into an ultrasound and being told my baby is dead again. As long as I know it’s alive, then I’m fine.

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In other fun news I’m pretty sure I’m sick. And not with the virus that was going through my work, either – at first I thought maybe I was, it feels like something is coming on, but then it turned into a sinus thing and not the rest of the throat/body yuckies that the other girls got. Nope, not me. Just my damn sinus. I know I’m prone to sinus infections because of my allergies constantly irritating my sinuses, and then with being pregnant everything gets stuffier just as a matter of course. Add to that my indulging (over-indulging?) in milk again – because it’s good for the BABY, I tell ya – and I think I basically created the perfect conditions for a nice infection in there. It’s just on my right side. Feels like I have balls of cotton stuffed up there. I’ve been trying to irrigate it (neti-pot style) and let it drain, but it’s only getting me so far. It seems to be getting worse every day. So I might end up calling the doctor. At this point it might need some kind of antibiotic. Bah. So for the time being I’m saying no more milk, which is making me extremely sad. But at least this will force me to drink more water!

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I hope everyone had a peaceful Christmas, no matter where you are in your journey, no matter what you are struggling with. I know they won’t always be happy, but hopefully friends and family are there when you need them (or not, when you want to be alone!). This was certainly not a perfect Christmas – I should have an almost-2-year-old to share it with – but it was good, it was peaceful, it was positive. And that’s all I ever hope for anymore.