I love Christmas. It holds so many special memories for me, such wonder and joy. It is always Christmas morning that I loved the most, getting up first to plug in the tree and then step back and admire the whole picture. It was a magical moment.

Now that I live so far from my parents, my first home, I hold tight to traditions that I might otherwise not have. The little things make a big difference to me. Denis really struggled the first few years we had Christmas together, because I wasn’t very good at telling him what I needed (I hadn’t entirely figured it out yet), and yet when something wasn’t right I would get upset. Like putting the lights on the tree wrong – we had a fight over that one the first year. He didn’t understand why I needed him to do it, if I knew how I wanted it done. But my dad always put the lights on the tree. Same with stocking stuffers; stocking stuffers were always small things like nuts, soap, scratch tickets, and they all must be wrapped in tissue paper – not wrapping paper, mind, tissue paper. Presents must all get wrapped, bows appreciated, and put under the tree. And my tree, well I decorate by theme. The first few years I did silver and blue, but the last two I’ve done burgandy and gold. For a very obvious reason I do not buy fancy ornaments – just the cheapest shatterproof shiny colored balls (we have tree-climbing cats). All of it helps me feel a little bit more like home.

Christmas morning Den and I sit by the tree with the dogs and open our stockings and gifts to each other. Christmas eve and the rest of Christmas day is spent with his family. I do think it’s important to spend Christmas with family, but at the same time it always makes me ache inside, missing mine. Last year was really miserable, dealing with the first Christmas when we were supposed to have a baby in our arms, plus we found out our first attempted IVF cycle to get pregnant again didn’t work. No, last year was really not a good Christmas.

This year I didn’t fear too much for another repeat, because I have such a wonderful gift I am carrying inside me. We went out to eat last night, the two of us, then spend the rest of the evening with some of his family. It was fun, relaxing, comfortable. It was good. I was trying to feel some bigger kicks from baby, but it wasn’t to be – I do believe he/she was facing downward, because I kept getting pokes to my ovary (which are very uncomfortable, by the way). I think this baby is going to be a lot like Devin, and not be very active when around other people.

Unfortunately by 10pm I could feel myself starting to lose it a little bit, little temper flares that mean I am over-tired and hormonal. I tried to make sure we left before I really lost it, but Den was watching a movie and wanted to stay until the end. So unfortunately in the car Den said or did something and I started crying, angry at Den and then just sobbing for no reason at all. Once we got in the house I sobbed for a while longer – about missing my family, missing Devin, and in large part just feeling irrationally hormonal. That was fun. I was kicking myself for not leaving sooner, before I hit that point, but oh well… I always think I can do just a little bit more. Thankfully after about an hour I was able to calm down, take some breaths, and Den and I finished off Christmas eve with a present he got us (a new comforter for the bed! that actually fits it!).

This morning has been lovely, exchanging presents and making pancakes on our new electric griddle. Den really did very well on the stocking stuffers this year, I’m so proud of him, heehee. But the most excited member of our family was Zeeke! He was hilarious. First thing we did was give him his new toy, which I had wrapped. He started ripping at the paper and we encouraged him on, so he had a great time ripping it open! I gave Zoe her present, but she doesn’t understand paper at all, so she just stared at it – and when I started opening it Zeeke ran over, grabbed it from me, and ripped the paper off. Next came our stocking stuffers, but Zeeke was not content to watch us open them! He had to run over and “help” pull the tissue paper off of each one. Finally he ended up puncturing something, so we had to go get the big giant bone to distract him the rest of the morning. All in all it was a huge success for him. LOL

I hope everyone is having a peaceful Christmas day.