Navigating this land
First, a fabulous post by Tash is up on Glow In The Woods. Infertility and baby loss.
::
I find myself not mourning much as I go through this, retracing the steps that I’ve taken once before with a baby who never came home. I don’t have many flashbacks, and the joy I feel at reaching these milestones once again are not overcome with shadow sadness. Actually… feeling the joy now makes me remember the joy I had with Devin. I excitedly tell people how similar this or that is to my first pregnancy. I remember how this felt. It helps me feel closer to Devin’s memories.
But at the same time, I find myself kind of hoping for a girl this time around. It’s easier for me to picture a girl than a boy… I think when I think about a little boy the lines start to get a little blurred. A girl is different, separate. Early on this pregnancy I took out all of Devin’s baby clothes and sorted them into “neutral” and “boy” clothes. Giving the baby the neutral clothes is easy. But the boy clothes… that’s harder. I’m not sure if I’m ready to have another little boy… but at the same time I want one to fill that void.
Of course we will find out next week and will be thrilled either way. I’m just excited to know, to give it a name, to start using pronouns and stop with this he/she/it thing.
I will be 19 weeks when we find out boy or girl, and to me that seems appropriate. There was a reason I didn’t want to find out earlier, and yes I think it was holding myself back from bonding quite that intimately too soon. 20 weeks is the cut-off, that medical divider between miscarriage and stillbirth. There is something in my head holding back a little bit until that point – or at least, until this point, I think we’ve gotten there sooner than I expected. Now that I can feel the baby moving around all the time, I think my heart is lost regardless. If this baby were to die now I would choose another labor and birth, it would get its name. It is my second child.
It is horrible that I even need to think those things, to plan for death even while we hope for life. But that’s just what happens after such a loss, you start making contingency plans. I find myself doing that even with my husband, my marriage. I layed in bed last night and found my mind wandering, planning where I would live, what I would do with the pets, if something happened to Den. And it wasn’t in a panicky, anxious kind of way, either – it felt like I was planning my meals for the next day, running through a checklist and comparing different options. Then I realized what I was doing and felt slightly foolish – but only slightly. Like I said, it’s just something that I do now. And if it helps me to feel a little more secure to have such a contingency plan in place, if only in my head, so be it.
I am so excited to find out penquin’s sex!
And the contingency plans? I think that is part of being a planner. I do that all the time, and you know I haven’t experienced anything like you have.
*hugs*
I do too…
I haven’t had your loss experience Nat, but I have lost babies early in pregnancy and had too many 1-in-a-million teen / adult losses impact on my life and I do the same what-if-ing that you describe.
It is not wishful thinking (obviously), or tempting fate, but I think a coping mechanism… If the worst were to happen, what would I do to survive?!
Having a ‘plan’ or at least an idea of a plan gives me sense of a little control. It pushes back the hopelessness and gives me strength – if the worst were to happen I would do ‘x’ and go on as best I could down this new path.
I hate the way tragedy reframes ‘the worst’, some things are just unimaginable, apparently unsurvivable but survive we do (sometimes barely) and I think that is when we start to imagine the ‘what ifs’ and mentally prepare a way through.
Thank you for voicing this… I have had such thoughts for many years, but as you say, not in a panicky or morbid way, and I didn’t know any one else did. Even though my theory kinda makes sense to me I’m glad to know I’m not the only one.
I understand the planning. Oh how I do.
And-
I didn’t want to find out earlier, and yes I think it was holding myself back from bonding quite that intimately too soon. 20 weeks is the cut-off, that medical divider between miscarriage and stillbirth. There is something in my head holding back a little bit until that point – or at least, until this point, I think we’ve gotten there sooner than I expected. Now that I can feel the baby moving around all the time, I think my heart is lost regardless. If this baby were to die now I would choose another labor and birth, it would get its name. It is my second child.
This, exactly. I didn’t have the stillbirth that you did, but I did distinctly find myself wanting to wait to bond, not being able to – still not really, I mean, it’s silly, because as you say, my heart is lost regardless, but it’s not ever that happy naive trust – until I knew that, somehow, because of that magic number, it would be different. Not for us, but, perhaps, to society.
Nat I do that too. I contigency plan. What if this – what if that – I think that happens after great losses. Hugs you tight.
I cant wait til next week Nat to hear what you are having!!! Im soo excited for you and Den!
SO EXCITED FOR YOU!can’t wait to find out the gender. :)
Jackie
Well here I found out about as early as possible save for PGD, and it didn’t really make it any more “real” or anything for me. I guess I’m pretty blase about the whole thing — I’m certainly not expecting good things to come from this, but I’m not really expecting bad things either. In short, I’m not expecting anything. I’m happy you feel joy — I really kinda don’t like being pregnant so I doubt I’d feel joy even if my life was 180 degrees different.
I’m with you though on the sex being different. Initially I was a bit disappointed, but I’m discovering it’s really for the better. And my contingency plans include not preparing a damn thing, and reminding my husband that the name we pick may very well end up on a death certificate. But what are we going to do?
Hang tough — looking forward to your news.
I spent the whole week between 19 and 20 thinking about whether I could hold off delivery until after the 20 week mark if he was to die then. So you know, I hear you.