I have been bleeding for a week and a half now. I don’t see any end in sight, which means I will continue bleeding until I stop taking the pill, and then bleed some more. It is getting really. Freaking. Old. Adding to that frustration is my suspicion that AF is begging to be set loose in full. I’m thinking when I stop my birth control pills it will only take a day or two to hit, instead of my usual four. Which means stims would be moved up 2 days, which means so would retrieval, which means retrieval would happen on the weekend that Den absolutely cannot get out of work. You see the problem here. I might take a gamble and push BCP back another two days, just in case. In this case later is better than sooner.

Oh, and the weekend trip I was thinking would be perfect the weekend after transfer, before beta? Den found out today that’s the September weekend he has to work. I didn’t book anything, so it’s not a disaster, but all I can think about is going on this fabulous vacation and crying the entire time because my beta was negative. Lovely, yes? I am so full of sunshine today.

Heartburn. Why the hell am I getting heartburn the last two days? I have not heard of it as a side-effect of lupron, which is the only medication that is new. Cereal? Ice cream before bed? Experiments are needed. (If you have heard of heartburn as a side-effect of lupron, please let me know so I can blame it on that and return to my ice cream habit.)

It is Saturday. All I want to do is paint and work on my living room, but I have absolutely zero energy to do anything at all. By the time I get out of work Saturday afternoon I am just dead drained… I will hopefully sleep in a bit tomorrow to recharge myself. Then I can paint.

Today I had both a chiropractor and acupuncture appointment – I felt positively spoiled. Chiropractic was first thing this morning (which was badly needed – my entire back was so incredibly tense). The Dr asked me how acupuncture was going. I told her how I have been just meditating and zoning out during my sessions. Her suggestion was that I start doing it at home – that if I can meditate with needles in me, I should be good to do it wherever. I ended up thinking about that the rest of the day. I knew she was wrong, for me at least; I for some reason I can meditate easier during acupuncture than I can elsewhere. Later in the day I was driving when the answer hit me, and I started giggling out loud: during acupuncture, with all the needles in me, I can’t move! I mean, I know technically you can move… but mentally I feel like I need to be perfectly still until they are all removed. I don’t like so much as twitching my foot, just in case a needle will brush against the sheet. It freaks me out a little. You wouldn’t think that would be relaxing at all, but just think, it’s the ONLY time I lay perfectly still for an extended period of time. No distractions. I just let my body hum (yes, I often get a buzzing, warm feeling), and let my thoughts turn inward and out.

The music and low light doesn’t hurt, of course. I set off to Amazon to find myself the perfect CD, and I think I found it: Reiki: Hands of Light. Isn’t that gorgeous? I’m apparently very picky when it comes to my meditation music. I like strings, wind instruments, piano, but I needed something soft in the background… I needed a specific, warm feel to it.

Before I found the right music myself I walked into my acupuncture appointment with the intention of asking what CD she was using. After she got started she put a CD on and it was… Enya. Ha! One of the two CDs that I own, actually. So much for finding something new.

Last BCP was yesterday. Normally my period would arrive Thursday. Given the spotting it could be sooner. My acupuncturist mentioned that acupuncture can make it show sooner too. So… we’ll have to see, I guess. I’m thinking Wednesday. I will be starting stims by the weekend. It wasn’t such a big shock, since I have everything written out on my calendar and I’m giving myself lupron shots every evening, but at the same time suddenly “later” became “this week” and I wasn’t entirely expecting it yet. I have some nerves about how the stims process is going to go this time, so I am continuing to just not think about how soon it’s all starting. Today is lupron, a lot of pills (minus the birth control pill), and I’ll deal with tomorrow in the morning.

Now if only I could handle the other stresses in life by simply shelving them for another day. Sadly my work projects don’t function quite that well.

Retitled: Why Universal Health Care Isn’t As Scary As You Think It Is

I am frustrated with Obama. I am frustrated that he told us he would make changes (saying that the health reform bill must have a public option), and now he’s backpeddling. But what makes me even angrier is all of the misinformation and paranoia out there about universal health care and that scary “socialism.”

* The wait times are not for life-threatening problems! If you need immediate help, you get immediate help. You walk in to an ER and get whatever you need. Yes, there is a wait to get assigned a “family doctor.” I didn’t have one for a couple of years. But you know what I did? I went to a walk-in clinic. I would walk in, sit down, and wait to be called. At bad times it could take a few hours, but usually it was about an hour wait. I personally never had anything major to deal with, but aunts had mammograms, family friends had cancer treatments. The people who had cancer treatments survived, by the way. They got the treatment they needed, they beat the cancer, and they never paid a dime. Not a single penny.

* In Universal Health Care the government doesn’t decide what to approve or deny you. Your doctor does. Yes, there are a very few things excluded from universal coverage (unfortunately infertility is one of them, in Canada – which needs to be changed) – but there is no government committee that sits and reviews claims by doctors to accept or reject them like our insurance companies here do. If your doctor orders a test because he or she thinks it’s necessary, then you get the test. If you need to see a therapist, your doctor refers you and you get it. The control is back where it should be: the doctors.

* We are all paying money into our health insurance companies through our exorbitant premiums. But where is a bulk of that money going? To the insurance companies, of course! They’re getting rich off of our money, while denying claims because we didn’t send in the right form, or we had a pre-existing condition. The decisions these companies are making for our health are NOT based on what is best for us, it’s based on what will save them money. I find it deplorable. Something this important should not be a money-maker. Our lives should not be in the hands of people who see dollars and cents.

* Right now employers are shouldering a large burden. There are a lot of small companies out there that are having to not provide health insurance for their employees, or are losing money. It’s a HUGE expense and I think it’s entirely unfair, especially at a time when this when so many small businesses are struggling. And it’s not fair to their employees who have to go without health insurance while working a good job, bringing home money to their families. You shouldn’t have to choose your job based on what health insurance they offer. You should be able to accept a job that works for you, for whatever employer, and know that regardless of where you work that you WILL be taken care of.

* There is a HUGE number of uninsured in America. These are people who go bankrupt because they broke a bone. These are often people who work hard, but have employers who can’t afford health insurance for their employees. Some of my very best friends cannot afford private health insurance – hell, I don’t think I could, if we didn’t have it sponsored through work. This is just not okay. It is not okay that people are sick and dying because they can’t afford the care they need. Think about what would happen if you or your husband lost your job – which is happening to many, many people right now. To people with children, people who don’t have a spouse to rely on. These people need some kind of coverage to get them through until they find a job.

* US has the second worst infant mortality rate in the developed world. That is atrocious. Beyond atrocious. The US lags way, way behind all of the countries with socialized care. There are other issues that play into that, but there is obviously something that we are doing very, very wrong here.

* Universal Coverage is not an “experiment”. It is implemented – successfully – in all other industrialized countries… except the US. WE are the experiment – and it is failing. So many Americans have this huge kneejerk reaction to the very thought of it, because we are different and they insist that this system is working. It’s working for half… and utterly failing the other half. That is not an acceptable system, in my mind.

What we should be aiming for is a Universal Coverage that is AS GOOD AS what the best people get now. You shouldn’t have to be rich to see a specialist for your condition. We should not be sitting on the phone arguing with insurance companies who want to keep our money and not pay our claims. We should be able to have our babies without worrying about how we’re going to pay for the hospital bills. I know people have fears, because nothing is perfect and there is going to be growing pains. But let’s fix what’s wrong. Let’s improve this. Let’s make sure ALL Americans are healthy.

Disclaimer/Notice: What the US government is currently mulling over is NOT universal healthcare – not even close. But I’m tired of hearing people freak out about the concept. Universal Healthcare works GREAT for a lot of countries. Maybe it wouldn’t in the US, maybe we’ll find something else that works well (what we have now? doesn’t). But people are not dying left right and center in Canada or any other country with a single-payer system. The fear mongering on TV and radio is just that – it’s twisted half-truths and misquotes. And as a Canadian living in the US I’m sick of it!

I have had a lot of interesting questions and thoughts and discussions stemming from yesterday’s post. I wanted to continue the discussion here, because I think there are some really important things to be touched on.

One thing that I grasp better than ever now is this: you CAN be that one unlucky person. The person who loses their job, loses their health insurance… and then gets really sick. It’s probably not very likely. But it happens to someone out there. It could just as easily be me. I see a lot of people willing to gamble, and it terrifies me… it terrifies me that some people don’t seem to grasp how serious it can be until it happens to them. I want a safety net there. Even though Den has a very reliable job, as do I, it still freaks me out.

In any form of social support such as Welfare and a medical insurance for those who cannot afford/access other forms of health insurance you will hear the same debate back and forth about fairness. Why should we have to support people who are lazy asses and don’t work, who abuse the system? The simple answer is… we shouldn’t have to. Even I wholeheartedly agree with that. However, when you start making judgments about who is deserving and who isn’t you get into the very murky path that the right-wing is throwing around of a panel sitting there judging who is allowed and who isn’t. That means deserving people will get judged and left out. Because there ARE people who honestly need the help. There are single parents out there who desperately need Welfare to get back on their feet and support their family, and there are people who are trying very hard but can’t find a job. This is a problem that has no good answers. By weeding out the “bad” you take the chance of denying help to those who really need it. By helping everyone you’re swallowing a bitter pill know that there are people receiving free help who don’t deserve it.

Honestly, despite my thinking it would be a good thing overall, I really don’t see the United States adopting a single-payer system anytime soon – I don’t think the majority of America wants it. This is a democracy, after all. But most people agree that what we have now has some serious flaws and needs reform. Which means the United States is going to have to get creative. I think we all have a common goal here, which is making sure that we are taken care of. Universal health care has a lot of benefits, but today I want to take a step back and look at the specific needs and goals. Maybe we can find something other than universal health care that helps fix what’s broken. Also I think we should think about the downsides of a universal healthcare system, the very things that people are afraid of. Let’s add that to our list as well.

* Lower costs. Premiums and copays keep going up at the same time as insurance covers less. First thing I see is stopping the insurance companies from making millions of money and putting that money back into the system to help people. Then we need to reduce administrative costs, redundancy, and all the overhead that adds up to more money out of our pockets that is not being used to help treat us. Healthcare is costing us far more than it should.

* Stop restricting access to insurance and coverage. This means removing pre-existing conditions. This also means giving us more options to different insurance plans. How many employers offer only one insurance company? (Mine does.) Technically I could choose to get an individual plan with whatever insurance company I wanted… but, again, the costs of doing that are prohibitive. Also this means closing loopholes and preventing insurance companies from being assholes with things like months later, decide to not cover something you already had done.

* Patient choice in doctors. Even in a single-payer system I believe this is a requirement, absolutely.

* Remove the burden from the employers. They shouldn’t be shouldering this. We should have equal access to insurance whether we’re employed by a huge corporation, a small start-up company, or self-employed.

* Create a safety net. Everyone, no matter what their level of income, should be able to provide their families with insurance at a rate they can afford – GOOD insurance, not just a bare-minimum consolation prize. I want to know that if my life went to hell and I lost everything, at least I could still get my medical needs taken care of.

* Protect doctors. This means giving them a fair wage and it means protecting them from frivolous lawsuits, which drives costs way, way up. (Of course there needs to be recourse for true malpractice – it certainly does exist – but doctors shouldn’t need to have huge insurance costs to protect themselves from idiots. And there are lots of idiots.)

* Encourage new doctors and keep the ones we have. We need to make sure there are enough doctors to provide care to all the people who need it. Medical school is ridiculously expensive, which means doctors have to charge a lot to pay off their student loans. Maybe the government should start looking at helping students get their degrees – both to ensure we continue to get new doctors, and to help lower costs. Everyone’s concerned about wait times – this is what we’re going to need to prevent that from happening.

And finally there is one big thing that almost every American I talk to insists on: CHOICE. I think the new American system is going to need to be built around that idea. We may be paying far too much and insurance companies drive us all nuts with their rules and paperwork and run-arounds, but America loves having options and doesn’t want to be forced into any kind of one-size-fits-all plan. I don’t entirely think it’s a bad thing, either. Which is why I think the current proposal of a public option is a really good one. For all the people who think that the government will fuck up royally and can’t be trusted to manage their health care, they can stay with a private insurance company. But the government plan will be available if you want it or need it. But I don’t want to see the public option only being available to people who can’t get private insurance – again, we want CHOICE. *I* want to be able to choose the government-run plan if the insurance companies are screwing me over. I don’t want to be forced into private insurance any more than the other side wants to be forced into a government-run plan, and I think that’s only fair.

Are there a lot of questions? Oh hell yeah. It’s much easier to mull around about the problems than to come up with a viable solution – especially one that pleases the vast majority. I’ll be keeping my checklist at hand to make sure that what sounds like a good idea doesn’t start to miss all the important steps. The situation in the United States is not going to have a simple answer and there is going to be a lot of growing pains. I hope, and I really do believe, that this country can come up with something good. And in order to do that we ALL need to sit down and have a heartfelt discussion. We’re all scared of something – which is why emotions and tempers run so high. We all have differing opinions on how to get there, but our goal is the same: to get the best healthcare we can have.

Today, in addition to obsessing about health care options all day, I went to the YMCA again. I actually *cough* looked forward to it.

First I did the elliptical for 15 minutes. For some reason I really like that machine, always have. I love that it’s easy on my knees, and it doesn’t feel hard. Granted I’m not pushing it hard or anything – hell I’m just starting on this whole exercise thing, I could easily half kill myself. My goal is just to get me active, get my heartrate up. (And oh it goes up – the machine keeps telling me to slow down and I’m like dude, it’s on EASY and I’m barely sweating, are you serious?? But then I don’t argue too much.) I need to bring headphones, because one of the TVs (there were three! Widescreens! That was so not there three years ago) is apparently perpetually on HGTV and you just can’t get much better than exercising while twitching at the awesome kitchens on HGTV in high-def. To be honest you don’t really need the sound, but it would be kind of nice.

But after 15 minutes I was getting bored so I got changed and went swimming. Both times now I have walked over to the big pool and dipped my foot in and then stood there, nervously prancing from foot to foot. After exercising the pool is a little cold. I didn’t dive in, I kind of crouched down and did a very ungraceful step/fall/hop into the pool. I hate that initial getting-wet. It’s so… cold. I came up with a little squeak and mutter, then just started swimming. And very quickly it felt just lovely. Oh water, I love you.

I managed to do around half an hour of laps. Frontstroke was somewhat of a disaster. I have really good form when I want to – but for some reason my breathing rhythm was all messed up. I was holding my breath (instead of exhaling underwater) and then gasping for air, then I’d take in some water, I was getting lightheaded and struggling to make it to the end of the lap. My nice form lasted about two strokes in. So I ended up doing a lot of breaststroke… I just love that stroke. I could do it for hours, it feels so effortless for me, so natural. Once I caught my breath I started alternating one lap frontstroke, one lap breaststroke. By the end I finally had figured out a breathing rhythm that worked. Obviously I need more practice.

Getting out of the pool is slightly comical, though. I have always tended to just hop out the side of a pool using my arms to push myself up and then just climbing onto the deck. But after half an hour of laps? Spaghetti arms. Wobble wobble. Last friday, my first day of swimming, oh I barely made it up. I nearly crashed back into the pool, making a fool of myself. This time was a little easier. (Why not use the ladder? Ummm. Because. This is more fun?)

All in all a good day. I drove to the grocery store a little zombie-ish, though… my eyes were getting that hazy thing going from the chlorine (no, I don’t know where my goggles are) and my ears were ringing slightly. I forget several things I was going to the store to get. I had a list of only like 6 things, it wasn’t a good ratio.

My stomach is a little achy in that just-been-used kind of way. I am so excited about that! I realize that flat abs are not suddenly going to appear on my body, but at least I know I’m using those muscles. It’s a start.

In September the Fall classes start. There’s a lot offered, and of course I would love to try a little of everything. But I’ve decided to sign up for a Zumba class! I’d never heard of it before, but it looks kind of fun. I’ve wanted to do some kind of dance for years now, maybe this will be what I’m looking for!

It’s about time that I did this, it feels good. I hope I can keep it up.

I do think Canada’s healthcare system is better than what we have here in the U.S. But I also think that our American political system, the way our government is set up (and I’m not talking who is currently in office, I’m talking structure and how it functions) is definitely better. Have you, other than when you were forced to back in high school, really sat down and read and thought about how the government is set up? I did. When the election was going on last year Den dug out his old textbook and I spent several days reading all about the founding of this country, how and why the system was crafted the way it was, and how it functions. It’s not only fascinating, but brilliant. I couldn’t help but marvel at how very well it was done. I love the fact that we elect the actual president. I like how the politicians do actually listen to their constituents’ phone calls and letters. I like how the states do have some form of autonomy to form a mini-government that better serves the ideals of the people within that state, while still all being part of the federal system.

One thing that stands out to me quite starkly is how different the Canadian and American people are. To be perfectly honest I think some of the problems with the Canadian healthcare system (like the fact that infertility treatment is NOT covered) exists simply because the Canadians don’t DO anything about it. They’re not really a very vocal, outspoken people. They don’t flood town hall meetings, they don’t protest, they don’t get into a huge uproar every election. I don’t want to say that they’re less engaged, but, well, they’re less engaged. Canadians don’t consider themselves to be under the rule of the Queen or any part of the United Kingdom. But, well, they just have never had the energy to put up a fight to formally become independent. That’s just how Canadians are. It’s all okay, it’s all good, they aren’t really perfectly happy with it, but eh, it’s an effort to change it and it’s not really worth getting upset over.

And in this way I definitely don’t fit in with Canadians. I’m far too opinionated.

I’m in this very strange in-between. I’ve been living here as a resident for four and a half years now. I still feel a lot of pride in my country of birth, and I still definitely consider myself a Canadian. When I visit home I feel a rush of contentment and comfort when I see all the Canadian flags. But at the same time I’m slowly starting to consider myself an American, too. It’s happened in little bits and pieces, I didn’t really notice. I started saying things like “we” and “us” when talking about the United States. I get anxious now about politics and social issues not just because it affects me now, but because I want this country to succeed.c

This is my fifth IVF stims cycle. And yet today when I looked at the clock and realized it was time for my injection I felt butterflies in my stomach. I felt nervous – not about the numbers and results (I will never stop feeling anxious about that), but about getting an injection. I was thinking about how the menopur stung last time and how big was the needle? Just enough memory and just enough forgetfulness to make it scary.

I sat downstairs in the basement, ice pack pressed against my belly making me wince with the cold and the sharp tingly numbness. I looked at the needle with a mixture of nervousness and contempt on my face. Damnit. Stupid needle. Stupid belly. Stupid medications. And then Den jabbed me and injected it and… I felt nothing. Well, not nothing, I felt the needle. But no stinging. No nothing. That’s it??

Damn you’d think I’d be used to this by now.

::

I was in a really good mood this morning when I went in for my ultrasound. I think it’s been a long enough break since the last few cycles that I am feeling rejuvenated – this is a new cycle, not just rolling one into another. (Or maybe I’m just freaking psyched that I’m done with the birth control pill, which has been hellacious to my mood.) I just felt chipper. I greeted everyone at the clinic with a big smile and perky happiness. (Where is that coming from??) The nurse welcomed me in and showed me to my room, and basically said, “Well, you know where everything is!” And it’s kind of funny – I do. The desk, the exam rooms, the bathroom, the office. It’s comforting, in a way, the familiarity.

There was a Resident with the ultrasound tech again today, which again meant a much longer look at my insides than I would normally get during a baseline. It is still slightly unnerving when they linger, even though you know they are probably just showing the Resident something, but in the back of my mind there’s a tiny little voice wondering if something isn’t quite normal. I will say it was a rather fascinating ultrasound – my uterus looked very different than normal. And this is TMI (so please skip if squeamish), but you could see the blood pooling and shifting. I actually enjoy overhearing explanations to Residents. I want to just soak up all the knowledge I can about everything relating to this process.

I’m very fond of the ultrasound tech, she does all my transfers and most of my morning ultrasounds, and she was the one who did my scan and discovered the ectopic. As she was leaving the room today she stopped and said that she was really glad to see me. She’d “rather be seeing me in a mall instead of here, of course,” but it was always such a pleasure. And then she said I’d grown special to her a long time ago and she was so very hoping this was the one for me. She was so very heartfelt, I knew that she really honestly meant it.

My clinic may not be the best in the country, or the state. But they are well-researched. The doctors are willing to listen and try new things. They are all very professional and good at what they do. But most of all I don’t feel like “just a patient” there. Everyone greets me by name. They don’t need to reach my chart, because they already know what it says. Maybe they treat all patients this way; maybe I’m special since I’ve been around for so long. I really get the feeling that everyone at the clinic has a personal investment in my success – it’s not just a number, just a procedure. They get it. They know why they do what they do. And I love them for it.

::

After my appointment I headed in to work. I haven’t been overly talkative about my cycle, though I’ve mentioned it to a couple of people. But yesterday I had to tell my supervisors that I’d be late today, and then of course today everyone was asking where I was. I’ve never been secretive about my IVF in the least, but there have been cycles where I just didn’t say much. It’s a lot of complicated info for the normal non-infertile person, and with dealing with a new job, new coworkers, explaining Devin and that we were doing IVF, it was hard to know how much to say – how much I would be comfortable with and how much they would be comfortable with. I realize that some people just don’t want to know details, and that’s fine. I don’t want to be bothersome. And I didn’t know how many stupid comments I would get. It’s a vulnerable place to be in.

Last cycle and my ectopic I kept very quiet about it all. I realized later that it didn’t help me at all, I was struggling with a lot of fear and bitterness by myself, isolating myself. I also found out that they would have loved to have known more, to be more involved. So this this time when the time came, a question to either brush off or answer, I decided to answer honestly. I’m having an ultrasound to check that I’m ready to start my IVF cycle. I start the big injections. I’m nervous, tired, a little frustrated, but hopeful too. This morning when there were no customers everyone was just kind of gathered around, asking me a few questions about when and how, and giving words of encouragement. It was quick, everyone was soon talking about something else and customers were coming in and the day went on as it always does. But that moment stuck in my head, being surrounded by support. I am grateful.

::

When cleaning my office I found that I still have a gift certificate to a local spa. So today I called them up and booked a “Chakra Balancing Massage.” Shut up, yes, you read that right. I’m already doing acupuncture, meditation, why the fuck not chakra balancing. It’s all part of my “kitchen skin approach” this cycle. And hell, it’s still a massage and I will probably enjoy it anyways. So tomorrow after work I get pampered a little to celebrate the end of yet another week and the start of stims.

Here we go.

I wanted to spoil myself a little bit and had an hour to waste before my massage, so before I left I tried putting on nail polish. Didn’t work. I kept screwing it up and my clear topcoat apparently needs to be replaced. I ended up calling up the spa and asking if they had a manicure appointment available. Hmph.

The massage was interesting, and she did more than I anticipated with the chakra massage. In addition to the guided meditation she massaged my back, neck, feet and arms. I really concentrated on just letting go of all thoughts and just being present, enjoying it. I visualized light glowing in my ovaries, healing energy nourishing them. On the other hand I wished she would have worked my back more. The other thing about the chakra massage was that it seemed a little too… packaged. There were 7 cards for the 7 chakras, each one with a specific scented oil. I guess the thing that got me was that it was produced by Aveda, the company/product that supplies most of the products for this spa. And I just couldn’t help wondering, this big corporation, how likely is it that this is something more than just a sales pitch to them? It looks cute and new-agey, but do they really actually buy into it? I highly doubt it. I don’t mind toeing over the line into new age type stuff, but I want someone who really really believes in what they do. I want the genuine article, not what someone at corporate thinks will sell.

Then I had my manicure. First I’ll say that I’ve had a manicure before at one of those cheap places in the mall, and this was definitely better. She was very good with my nails, getting everything filed down just right, buffing it all up, using oil. And then she gave me a hand and arm massage. OMG! To be honest, I think that was just as good as the full body massage! She really worked the muscles, which felt absolutely heavenly. My poor hands are overworked.

And then we looked over and realized it was POURING. I mean heavens opened up and dropped everything. I was hoping it would ease up quickly, but no such luck. After I paid it was still raining hard. I walked around the building to my car, and that’s when I let loose a bad word as I realized I left my sunroof open. Again. It had rained this morning but then cleared up, still warm and muggy… I left it open to air out my car so it wouldn’t be 100 degrees when I drove home. Yeah. So instead I got to drive home sitting in a puddle. And then when I pulled into my driveway and pushed the button to release my seatbelt the metal buckle snapped up and took a gouge out of my freshly painted thumbnail. Oh I was pissed. I managed to press it down and rub it in so now it’s just a minor mark instead of a huge hole, but still. So much for being relaxed and refreshed after my day. Instead I walked in the house with a wet ass and chipped nail. (So I changed, turned on my meditation music, and took a nap. Screw this shit, I AM going to have a peaceful day.)

So now I’m on the search for a new massage therapist to try. Today – like other spa massages I’ve had – was nice, but I think I’m looking for something more. I’m going to have to start looking beyond the spa… I feel like what I need is a therapeutic massage, something geared more towards physical ailments and healing than an hour at the spa. Problem is I type “massage” into google and get over 20 local results. I know there’s a masseuse at the center where my acupuncturist is – I actually just received a coupon. So I’m debating. I don’t know how else to find the right one. I wish someone could refer me to someone local, but no one I know around here can afford stuff like that, and reviews online are few and far between (not that I’m sure I actually trust any of them). I don’t have the money to try 10 different massages – as much as I’d like to.

I think I’ve been spoiled. When I go to my chiropractor I feel like she has a magic touch, even though she only spends a few minutes with me. She knows exactly what she’s doing, she can zero right in on where it hurts, and it feels just beautiful. I also love her as a person, she and I chat and catch up. I want that kind of relationship with all of my care providers. I don’t think my connection with my acupuncturist is exactly what I want, and if I do another IVF I might try someone else. But, I still really love my treatments there. I told Den today that if I had $65 to spend on myself I’d probably chose to do an acupuncture session than today’s massage. Not that the massage wasn’t lovely, but there’s something about my acupuncture meditation that just clicks right inside me.

::

Meanwhile, second injection is done… this one stung a little bit, but not too bad. I have a bruise from last night’s injection, but it’s pretty small. I have the nerves that I always get at the start of stimming… “how can this little bit of liquid actually be doing anything at all?” You don’t feel anything for the first week-ish. I go in Wednesday for my first follicle check and am willing to bet there will be a bunch of them. Please send me no overstimming vibes… that’s my biggest worry right now. I’m on the same dose as last stims, so it should be okay. (But then there are never any guarantees.)

It’s hard to believe that in a little over one week I’ll be triggering. Just crazy.

Here’s the thing: I am terrified. I am terrified that we are going to walk away from this cycle with nothing and be staring directly at the end of the road. Unlike all my other cycles where we were determined to make it work no matter what, this time we know we will walk away if this goes downhill. If I overstim, we’re canceling and not going to ER. Waiting months would totally suck, but not nearly as bad as wasting an entire cycle on bad quality eggs. This has to work out right.

But even if it does there’s no guarantee. I talk about a 5-day retrieval in the hopes that this protocol will follow through again… but there’s no guarantee. I talk about statistics supporting the idea of getting pregnant this cycle when you take into account a FET or two… but there’s no guarantee. Those two situations are assuming a lot… assuming I get more than 4 embryos is a LOT for me. Last cycle was so amazing, so uplifting… now I’m afraid I expect too much from this one. What if I get pregnant and lose that one, too? What if I don’t get pregnant at all?

And then I start thinking, when/if I do get pregnant… how the hell am I going to survive it? I realize that by surrounding myself with loss it has both made things easier with grieving and harder with moving forward. Every news of loss is like a gut punch to me, because it is a reminder: no one is safe. How the fuck am I going to make it through 36 weeks without being a complete basketcase? Not that this is what I am most worried about right now, but in a way it works to take the edge off of the pregnancy desperation.

I just have no idea how I’m going to get from here to the other side of this… if I ever get to the other side. I just want to close my eyes and wake up when this is over.

It’s been three days of stims and I’m starting to feel my ovaries. Not a lot, but just… I feel slight pressure starting. That makes me nervous, with my history. It’s probably all perfectly normal, but the worry is there. Wednesday is my first ultrasound and I’m really wishing it was tomorrow instead. But at the same time, if I’m overstimming now I don’t think there’s anything they can do about it.

I mentioned this all to my acupuncturist today so she said she was going to aim not at helping me stim, but at calming everything down and bringing it all in balance, reigning it in. Which is good, very good. We chit-chatted a little about my cycle and such – I was in a chatty mood apparently. I feel like I’m getting to know her a little bit, I’m able to read her a little better, to joke a little and relax. I was thinking, maybe I did choose the right acupuncturist after all. She added some new ear points today, which buzzed funny at first, just like my first ear points did at my first appointment. Funny enough that doesn’t happen anymore. And actually the ear points are the ones that make me feel heavy and very tuned-in to my body.

One funny moment during my appointment. She uses this heat lamp thing over my belly to keep me warm (because my feet and belly are exposed, and I can get chilly really easily.) She extended the arm it’s on so that it was way above me, just enough warmth that I feel comfortable. So I had my eyes closed and my mind is going this way and that, I’m kind of drifting off. In my little half-dreams my face feels warm. I’m thinking about how my belly was warm, now I’m feeling a little chilly… but my face is feeling warm. In fact, it feels like…. hmmm… I open my eyes and startled, there’s the heat lamp right over my damn boobs, almost above my head. The stupid thing was slooowwwlllyy swinging around – I’d push it down, it swung back up. She ended up coming in and fixing it. But I still get a giggle thinking about opening my eyes to find the heat lamp right over my head!

I also asked her about the massage therapists she’ll be sharing her new office with, and it turns out she does have a history with them and says they are really wonderful. She also gave me a discount card last week so I think I’m going to call and make an appointment. The female massage therapist is out for the week, so I might just try the male. I know, scary. I don’t know why I lean towards a female massage therapist when I obviously don’t care about male or female doctors, OBs, REs, whatever. I guess it’s the whole touching thing. Looking up my hoo-ha is one thing, but touching my back, dude, now that’s a little intimate. (Snort.)

She scheduled me to see her on Saturday, we want to make sure I get in one more time before retrieval. I work Saturdays until noon, and she normally only works Saturday mornings but she’s going to see me at 12:30. She also said that if I get any symptoms of OHSS, even minor, before transfer, then I need to call her cell and she’ll see me immediately. Want to make sure my body is nice and calm and balanced before transfer. She says she’s at the beck and call of my ovaries. LOL I like her, I like that she’s willing to work around what my cycle gives me. IVF is anything but predictable. And I’m really glad i started seeing her 2 months ago, so that she and I have a nice relationship by the time we’re at the big stuff.

Honestly I think I’m going to be disappointed when the cycle is over and I’m not going for weekly acupuncture anymore! Now that’s something I never thought I’d say.