This is my fifth IVF stims cycle. And yet today when I looked at the clock and realized it was time for my injection I felt butterflies in my stomach. I felt nervous – not about the numbers and results (I will never stop feeling anxious about that), but about getting an injection. I was thinking about how the menopur stung last time and how big was the needle? Just enough memory and just enough forgetfulness to make it scary.

I sat downstairs in the basement, ice pack pressed against my belly making me wince with the cold and the sharp tingly numbness. I looked at the needle with a mixture of nervousness and contempt on my face. Damnit. Stupid needle. Stupid belly. Stupid medications. And then Den jabbed me and injected it and… I felt nothing. Well, not nothing, I felt the needle. But no stinging. No nothing. That’s it??

Damn you’d think I’d be used to this by now.

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I was in a really good mood this morning when I went in for my ultrasound. I think it’s been a long enough break since the last few cycles that I am feeling rejuvenated – this is a new cycle, not just rolling one into another. (Or maybe I’m just freaking psyched that I’m done with the birth control pill, which has been hellacious to my mood.) I just felt chipper. I greeted everyone at the clinic with a big smile and perky happiness. (Where is that coming from??) The nurse welcomed me in and showed me to my room, and basically said, “Well, you know where everything is!” And it’s kind of funny – I do. The desk, the exam rooms, the bathroom, the office. It’s comforting, in a way, the familiarity.

There was a Resident with the ultrasound tech again today, which again meant a much longer look at my insides than I would normally get during a baseline. It is still slightly unnerving when they linger, even though you know they are probably just showing the Resident something, but in the back of my mind there’s a tiny little voice wondering if something isn’t quite normal. I will say it was a rather fascinating ultrasound – my uterus looked very different than normal. And this is TMI (so please skip if squeamish), but you could see the blood pooling and shifting. I actually enjoy overhearing explanations to Residents. I want to just soak up all the knowledge I can about everything relating to this process.

I’m very fond of the ultrasound tech, she does all my transfers and most of my morning ultrasounds, and she was the one who did my scan and discovered the ectopic. As she was leaving the room today she stopped and said that she was really glad to see me. She’d “rather be seeing me in a mall instead of here, of course,” but it was always such a pleasure. And then she said I’d grown special to her a long time ago and she was so very hoping this was the one for me. She was so very heartfelt, I knew that she really honestly meant it.

My clinic may not be the best in the country, or the state. But they are well-researched. The doctors are willing to listen and try new things. They are all very professional and good at what they do. But most of all I don’t feel like “just a patient” there. Everyone greets me by name. They don’t need to reach my chart, because they already know what it says. Maybe they treat all patients this way; maybe I’m special since I’ve been around for so long. I really get the feeling that everyone at the clinic has a personal investment in my success – it’s not just a number, just a procedure. They get it. They know why they do what they do. And I love them for it.

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After my appointment I headed in to work. I haven’t been overly talkative about my cycle, though I’ve mentioned it to a couple of people. But yesterday I had to tell my supervisors that I’d be late today, and then of course today everyone was asking where I was. I’ve never been secretive about my IVF in the least, but there have been cycles where I just didn’t say much. It’s a lot of complicated info for the normal non-infertile person, and with dealing with a new job, new coworkers, explaining Devin and that we were doing IVF, it was hard to know how much to say – how much I would be comfortable with and how much they would be comfortable with. I realize that some people just don’t want to know details, and that’s fine. I don’t want to be bothersome. And I didn’t know how many stupid comments I would get. It’s a vulnerable place to be in.

Last cycle and my ectopic I kept very quiet about it all. I realized later that it didn’t help me at all, I was struggling with a lot of fear and bitterness by myself, isolating myself. I also found out that they would have loved to have known more, to be more involved. So this this time when the time came, a question to either brush off or answer, I decided to answer honestly. I’m having an ultrasound to check that I’m ready to start my IVF cycle. I start the big injections. I’m nervous, tired, a little frustrated, but hopeful too. This morning when there were no customers everyone was just kind of gathered around, asking me a few questions about when and how, and giving words of encouragement. It was quick, everyone was soon talking about something else and customers were coming in and the day went on as it always does. But that moment stuck in my head, being surrounded by support. I am grateful.

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When cleaning my office I found that I still have a gift certificate to a local spa. So today I called them up and booked a “Chakra Balancing Massage.” Shut up, yes, you read that right. I’m already doing acupuncture, meditation, why the fuck not chakra balancing. It’s all part of my “kitchen skin approach” this cycle. And hell, it’s still a massage and I will probably enjoy it anyways. So tomorrow after work I get pampered a little to celebrate the end of yet another week and the start of stims.

Here we go.