Wake me when it’s over
Here’s the thing: I am terrified. I am terrified that we are going to walk away from this cycle with nothing and be staring directly at the end of the road. Unlike all my other cycles where we were determined to make it work no matter what, this time we know we will walk away if this goes downhill. If I overstim, we’re canceling and not going to ER. Waiting months would totally suck, but not nearly as bad as wasting an entire cycle on bad quality eggs. This has to work out right.
But even if it does there’s no guarantee. I talk about a 5-day retrieval in the hopes that this protocol will follow through again… but there’s no guarantee. I talk about statistics supporting the idea of getting pregnant this cycle when you take into account a FET or two… but there’s no guarantee. Those two situations are assuming a lot… assuming I get more than 4 embryos is a LOT for me. Last cycle was so amazing, so uplifting… now I’m afraid I expect too much from this one. What if I get pregnant and lose that one, too? What if I don’t get pregnant at all?
And then I start thinking, when/if I do get pregnant… how the hell am I going to survive it? I realize that by surrounding myself with loss it has both made things easier with grieving and harder with moving forward. Every news of loss is like a gut punch to me, because it is a reminder: no one is safe. How the fuck am I going to make it through 36 weeks without being a complete basketcase? Not that this is what I am most worried about right now, but in a way it works to take the edge off of the pregnancy desperation.
I just have no idea how I’m going to get from here to the other side of this… if I ever get to the other side. I just want to close my eyes and wake up when this is over.
I don’t think I have any good suggestions but this one: take it one step at a time. You will get through this, no matter what, because time moves relentlessly forward and maybe it’s better to just try and go with the flow.
Easy enough to say, I understand. Know that there are so many people out here who follow your steps one by one and are virtually holding your hand through it. It may not be much, but we’re here.
*hug*
Looking a a possible end of the road sucks. Where there’s a fork in the road but you don’t want to go in either direction. Where all you really want is to back and start again, but you can’t. It sucks. Yes it does.
{{{hugs}}} I’m right there with you.
All the unknowns swirl around. Hugs!
Just one step at a time. And know that we’re here with you and for you.
Oh Natalie… I don’t know what to say. I’m terrified too and I haven’t been through nearly as much as you have. I want so badly to MAKE this happen for you, somehow.
I know you mentioned before that this is the last cycle your insurance will cover. If this cycle gets canceled, would you be able to do another one with coverage? Your comment about “waiting months” seems to imply that so I’m really hoping it’s the case.
I wish I could do something besides just waiting and wishing.
Ariel, actually this is the second-last. I think we should have one more stims cycle after this one. But we *think* that if we cancel before ER that it doesn’t get counted insurance-wise. I still need to check on that.
I have no words of wisdom here Nat. Just wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you and truly hope and wish from the bottom of my heart that everything will finally go the way you want it to.
In two words- I understand. Completely and wholeheartedly- I understand and I am with you. I so hope this goes well for you. What I do know is that you will be a mother- your longing will lead you there- I just hope it’s sooner than later for you.
xoxoxo
Just take it one day at a time. Of course, you’ll be worried every step of the way! I’m so sorry it’ll be so hard.
Your previous post you said you always wonder at the beginning of a cycle how that little bit of fluid can do the job – I’m right there with you! I feel exactly the same way!
As I approach this upcoming cycle, I have similar thoughts. We know too much.
I wish you luck on this cycle, and strength, and peace of mind.