I started the birth control pills again on monday evening, since the nurse told me to. My period had never really got going full-fledged, but it was tapering off so I was fine with that. Wednesday I had a tiny bit of spotting during the day. Today there is nothing. YAY. I feel like doing a little dance because I am not wearing a pad or panty liner or any other contraption of itchiness and stickiness. I am free! There is much rejoycing.

Time is passing quickly. I am constantly getting confused about how long it’s been between events, every time I turn around it’s a new month. I am really glad it’s moving like that right now. I am taking a 2-week vacation to visit my parents in late March, and then I will basically be working until a baby is born. And I want that time to go fast. Fast fast fast until that baby is on my chest, in my arms – and then I want it to stop for a very long time. I will be a stay-at-home-mom, and everyone knows it. After all this time, all these plans, all these trials… when that time finally comes there is no way I will be spending time at a job instead of home with my child.

So until then I fill my days and keep pushing forward to the next thing.

I am kicking myself for the time I wasted. I was pregnant for 8 months out of a total now of 38 months since we started trying to have a baby – that’s a lot more time being not-pregnant than actually pregnant. But I have lived those entire 38 months as if I was pregnant, or could be at any given month. I put off a lot of things, or just didn’t think of planning them in the first place. I mean, I was going to be pregnant, right?

So here I sit, 3 years and 2 months later, wondering why we never went skiing, or bought season passes to Six Flags. And yet I fall into the same problem, don’t I. I could be pregnant in March.

But I am not pregnant now. I have decided to stop living for the future quite so much. I want to do all those things I never got around to doing.

Today at work some girls were talking about horse riding. I asked some questions and found out the stable offers horse riding lessons for not that much money. I sat and pondered for a little bit, then said, “I want to go horse riding.” So it’s only January and fucking cold out – I want to ride a horse. So I’m going to.

Next week we plan on going skiing. I love to ski, my dad, brother and I used to go quite often when I was in highschool. But in college we went less and less often, and now it’s been probably 5 years since I have gone skiing at all. I miss it. I’m terribly excited about getting to go with my husband – we’ve never skiied together before. It will be a fabulous escape for a day.

And if spring comes before I get pregnant we will be going to Six Flags.

I’m tired of waiting. It’s time to live.

1 | Welcome to 2009. What have you left behind in the year just past? What do you hope to find in the year to come?

I left behind most of my hope, my dreams, my sense of safety and sanity. I hope to re-discover most of it – except a sense of safety. I know that is gone forever.

2 | We’ve just come through the season in which our culture touts cheer and peace and family togetherness rather relentlessly. How did your child’s death impact your experience of the “holiday” season, personally or culturally?

It didn’t feel like Christmas to me. It all felt like… not a sham so much as a dream-like version of Christmas. It wasn’t real. I didn’t really feel it in my heart. We went about the steps, everyone else seemed to participate, but I was somewhere else.

3 | If you celebrate in any way through December, are there ways you include or acknowledge your lost baby/babies?

Many. I went to a Candlelight vigil in December at the Angel of Hope statue. I bought him a gift (for me). I hung an ornament with his name and the year on our tree. Our christmas cards (which we forgot to send, of course) had his name on it. Everything I did for Christmas was a way for me to celebrate my baby.

4 | Through the year are there any holidays, seasons, or parts of what were once cherished rituals that have changed for you because of your child’s death?

Christmas Morning. It used to hold such hope and promise, such excitement. No matter where I was, Canada or here in the US, I always insisted on celebrating the morning with great joy. This year… I slept in. It would have been for him. But he is gone, so what was the point? Nothing.

5 | Do you do anything to remember your baby/babies’ birth and/or death day? Or will you?

I still have no idea what I want to do on his birthday. I know I want to do something… I’m just not sure what.

6 | Is there anything about the winter season (for those of us in the Northern Hemisphere right now) that lifts your spirits? Is there anything that especially brings them down?

The snow. I love the snow. Nothing particularly that brings me down.

7 | During your hardest times, how have you found your way forward?

By allowing myself to grieve. I write, I cry, I speak… I feel so deeply, so completely, that I fear I must break underneath it all. But it’s the only way out, the only way through. I take it all in, and let it seep out.

The ground is blanketed with white. The air is silent but for snow slipping off tree branches in little powdery clouds, landing softly with a sigh. Only faint sounds drift through our woods. So peaceful. Sunlight sparkles through the snowdust, like a thousand little diamonds dancing in the air. It mesmerizes me for a moment.

Crossing the path is a single trail of bunny prints, left behind by little bunny paws. It is there now, so crisp and obvious, pointing the way. Tomorrow a new coat of snow will fall, blurring the edges, filling the holes. Tomorrow it will look familiar, but unsure – was it bunny prints, or maybe just my imagination? The truth will hide and fade away, as it aways does with time.

Eventually my feet get cold and wet, reminding me that that my boots need replacing. I head inside to the warmth, to the noise… to reality.

I am feeling very edgy lately. Part of it, of course, is my co-worker coming back from maternity leave. Me dealing with her being pregnant was surprizingly easier to handle than I anticipated; dealing with her after the fact not so much. It is not painful in the way that incapacitates me, but it’s more like a dull throb that gets prodded all day long. Every time a customer remarks that she is back and asks about the baby and chats, it’s like blowing the hot embers in my heart. Of course all is well. Of course he’s a gorgeous baby. Of course it’s wonderful. For her. I know this stage will not last forever – it is a novelty still, and will take a few weeks at least to settle down. But oh does it hurt. (No one asks how my baby is, how my labor went. No photos adorn my desk. He is dead. Few people know – and if they do, there is nothing more to say.)

::

And then there is my freelance work, which is always there to work on in my free time. I sit down to write contracts and emails and wonder how I find the time and energy, I am so busy. And then I wonder how I never found the time before. How is it that I am more productive now that I am working full-time on other things than I was when I worked on nothing at all? My motivation has changed, I suppose. Before I did it because I wanted to succeed. Now I do it because I want to survive. I used to design the grand plan in my head and then figure out what I neede to do to get there. (It usually failed.) Now I just do what I need to do today to get me to the next step. I’m not concerned with where it’s taking me. There is… not a dispassionate, but a step back. And in this I think it is working to my benefit. I am not over-thinking it quite so much anymore, so I stay focussed and moving forward instead of hung up on the little things.

I have been thinking a lot about my future – not my future in terms of family, for that is a mire I don’t wish to step foot in at the moment, but my future career path. I have done so many things in my life. I don’t regret it, I have enjoyed different aspects of every thing that I’ve done. I’ve been: a writer, a teacher, a photographer, a designer, an assistant manager of a non-profit, and now a bank teller. I’ve always gotten the feeling that if I wanted to I could excel at any of those things. But I never have, because I have never risked it all – I have never fully committed. I’ve never done full-time at anything. Some were just to get through college, some were hobbies, some I just fell into. I enjoy the diversity. I love being able to follow my passions, which ever way they lead, and not being stuck in any one thing.

But what am I giving up? I look at what people can accomplish in their careers – not just financially, though that is a big part of the picture. I see myself dipping my fingers in, but never fully taking part. I want to know what it’s like to really excel at something. There is a drive in me that is unsatisfied with doing “Okay.” I have ignored it for a long time, but it is there.

I have a degree in computer programming. Not web graphics, what I am doing, what many others do – but programming. And I loved it. I was good at it. I love the challenge, I love the code. I heard what comes out of my mouth every time someone asks me why I didn’t get a job doing that, but more and more I realize they are excuses. Fear. I never even tried, because I was scared.

Maybe someday – not right now, as I have what I want and need for the moment – but someday, 5 years from now, 8 years from now, I will stop making excuses and find out what I can really accomplish.

Work is not getting any better. Sometimes I feel like my head is about to burst if I don’t jump to my feet and shriek. It’s not that they are bad conversations, it’s just that I don’t want to listen to them all day. I want to work. I want to distract myself, not spend 4 hours straight getting angrier and angrier at the universe that my baby is dead and I can’t seem to get pregnant again. I am fine as long as I am not constantly reminded over and over again. I also got a couple little flashbacks – mostly flashbacks of memories that never were, pictures I cherished in my head for so long and have been diligently working to put out of my mind, like that of bringing home a newborn in a carseat, or listening to their first babble back at mama. It hurts to think about what I am missing, and here I am, listening to a dozen reminders day after day. I think I am going a little crazy.

And no, there is nothing I can do about it. I considered mentioning how hard this is to co-workers, but they can’t help what customers say, and the last thing I want is people shooting me sidelong glances all day and speaking in hushed voices, tiptoeing around me.

At one point I thought to myself, I have to quit this job, I’m going to go nuts! But then I immediately realized, idiot, I can’t quit until I get pregnant – I need the IVF coverage. And once I get pregnant it won’t hurt quite this goddamn much. Once I’m pregnant again I’ll begin to start appreciating thinking about babies a bit, thinking about the one that is coming. But right now I have nothing.

::

One of the ways in which I knew I was starting to heal was that I stopped getting sick every few weeks. I’ve always had a strong immune system, I would just rarely get sick (although when I did it tended to be a whopper, like full strep throat or a horrific flu that lasted for 2 weeks). Even when pregnant I only succumbed after a full day’s flight crammed in an aircraft with many snotty-nosed patrons.

After Devin died I was a mess. It felt like a I had colds all summer. Some of that turned out to be mild allergies (which is why I felt like it never quite fully went away), but far from all of it. I caught whatever was going around.

I braced myself for this winter, since I am now working with a lot of people, and I’m working with money. Let’s face it: money is gross and germy. My co-workers all got quite sick back in December, one a time. It skipped me. Right now a cold is going around – I can feel something trying to start. Just a little gross feeling in my throat. So I’m just waiting to see what will come of it.

I’ll tell you one thing, though: I’ve completely sworn off milk, something I never ever thought I could or would do. Stupid goddamn allergies. I of course experimented, but it’s plain as day: I drink milk, or even have cereal with milk, and my throat feels like sludge all day. Pretty clear cause-and-effect. After a moment of weakness (oh the yummy goodness) I have to suffer through several days of horrible, horrible cravings. But once I’m clean for a week or so then I just sort of get used to drinking water with everything and it’s not so bad. Seriously people, I think I am addicted to milk, no shit. Is that even possible?

Actually, when I think about it, this icky feeling in my throat could just be my allergies acting up. Maybe it’s time to thoroughly clean the bedroom again.

This allergy thing is bullshit! (And yes, I do take stuff when I feel I need to – the Zyrtec seems to do nothing, the Claritin did help a little. I need to get more.)

It has been…
3 years and 2 months since we started trying to have a baby
2 years since we started the IVF process.
1 year and 6 months since I first found out I was pregnant
10 months and 19 days since Devin was born

It will be…
13 days until we start stims
26 days until retrieval
1 month and 9 days until Devin’s birthday and my beta

I’m being quiet lately, so I thought I would post a little something of good news: Danny’s surgery for cochlear implants was yesterday, and it went really well! They have to wait another 6 weeks to start activation of the implants, but this was a HUGE step to get through after dealing with all kinds of insurance crap. I am so relieved!! Go Danny! You’re on your way to hearing SOUND!

I had 24 hours of no blog, no sites, no email. It felt like my hand had been cut off. All evening yesterday I was wailing every time I opened my browser, as it would try to open my custom page on my website and it came up with nothing. I couldn’t fix it, not right then. I couldn’t work on the websites I was in the middle of, I couldn’t post to my blog, and of course I didn’t want to do anything else.

It was just a simple billing issue (my debit card expired) and was fixed today while I was at work, on my BlackBerry, hastily typing away on it to get this fixed with the billing department so that I would have my sites back up by the time I got home. Light knows I couldn’t last another day without it, and… oh, light forbid not a whole weekend. I think I’d cry. Hard.

(If you haven’t noticed, I have a slight dependence issue. You don’t want to see me when the entire internet goes down. Oh it’s not pretty.)

In any case, it is fixed and my heart rate is slowly returning to normal.

The cycle is… going. I’m doing lupron injections. This time I said screw it and am skipping the ice. And honestly? The ice was worse than the injections, apparently. Or, as I told some cycle buddies of mine, maybe after three stims cycles and a pregancy my belly is numb.

I’m starting to have serious doubts about this ever working. It’s becoming harder and harder to believe in this turning out good.

There is so much I could say, but so little of it seems relevant. I am glad I have been using Twitter… it lets me say all those stupid little things that go through my mind. (Okay, not all… that would be a huge backlog.)

In a way I kind of feel like I’ve said it all. I’m still a little hopeful, a lot sad, not sure where I am going to be a year from now. With a baby? Still struggling? I don’t know. Hell I don’t even know where I’m going to be a month from now.

IVF isn’t new. I’ve walked all these steps before. I’m still tracking everything I do for posterity, but I don’t feel a need to talk about it ad nauseum. Been there, done that. Needles, pills, anxiety, etc etc.

I just don’t know what else there is to say anymore. I feel like I’ve been stuck in the same place for 8+ months. And I don’t know when I’m going to move forward.

::

Yesterday I spent some time with BabyH. I just love that kid! And I think she recognizes her auntie, she smiles and laughs when she sees me. She and I had some fun yesterday, playing on the floor. She’s almost crawling now. Crazy.

I marvel every time at how at ease I feel with her. I’ve always felt awkward around other peoples’ kids. I could walk into a home of dogs and get along with everyone great, but show me a kid and I just never know what I’m supposed to do or say. They were such a foreign concept to me.

But BabyH, I feel like I’ve grown up with her. I’m learning as I go. I’ve been there, watching and interacting, from when she was a newborn. So when I see her now it just feels right to pick her up and tickle her and all the things that people would always do with children. It feels normal to me, natural.

You would think I would feel worse when I see BabyH, given the circumstance. But I don’t. She fills me with such joy and hope. I come home all excited that she was army crawling and pushing up to her knees, I tell Den about how hard she laughed when I layed down on the floor with her.

I don’t get the “what should have been”s very often around her. Maybe because I simply can’t picture it. Maybe because she is what she is, and for once I just accept what is in front of me.

But every night I still struggle trying to picture who might be in our future. The names we toss around, they still seem so incorporeal. My mind has stopped fixating on Devin as a future, but instead it has left a void. I don’t think it’s going to go away until I get to know the next one as he or she grows… until they become real. For right now it’s just a blank slate.