There is so much I could say, but so little of it seems relevant. I am glad I have been using Twitter… it lets me say all those stupid little things that go through my mind. (Okay, not all… that would be a huge backlog.)

In a way I kind of feel like I’ve said it all. I’m still a little hopeful, a lot sad, not sure where I am going to be a year from now. With a baby? Still struggling? I don’t know. Hell I don’t even know where I’m going to be a month from now.

IVF isn’t new. I’ve walked all these steps before. I’m still tracking everything I do for posterity, but I don’t feel a need to talk about it ad nauseum. Been there, done that. Needles, pills, anxiety, etc etc.

I just don’t know what else there is to say anymore. I feel like I’ve been stuck in the same place for 8+ months. And I don’t know when I’m going to move forward.

::

Yesterday I spent some time with BabyH. I just love that kid! And I think she recognizes her auntie, she smiles and laughs when she sees me. She and I had some fun yesterday, playing on the floor. She’s almost crawling now. Crazy.

I marvel every time at how at ease I feel with her. I’ve always felt awkward around other peoples’ kids. I could walk into a home of dogs and get along with everyone great, but show me a kid and I just never know what I’m supposed to do or say. They were such a foreign concept to me.

But BabyH, I feel like I’ve grown up with her. I’m learning as I go. I’ve been there, watching and interacting, from when she was a newborn. So when I see her now it just feels right to pick her up and tickle her and all the things that people would always do with children. It feels normal to me, natural.

You would think I would feel worse when I see BabyH, given the circumstance. But I don’t. She fills me with such joy and hope. I come home all excited that she was army crawling and pushing up to her knees, I tell Den about how hard she laughed when I layed down on the floor with her.

I don’t get the “what should have been”s very often around her. Maybe because I simply can’t picture it. Maybe because she is what she is, and for once I just accept what is in front of me.

But every night I still struggle trying to picture who might be in our future. The names we toss around, they still seem so incorporeal. My mind has stopped fixating on Devin as a future, but instead it has left a void. I don’t think it’s going to go away until I get to know the next one as he or she grows… until they become real. For right now it’s just a blank slate.