I am feeling very edgy lately. Part of it, of course, is my co-worker coming back from maternity leave. Me dealing with her being pregnant was surprizingly easier to handle than I anticipated; dealing with her after the fact not so much. It is not painful in the way that incapacitates me, but it’s more like a dull throb that gets prodded all day long. Every time a customer remarks that she is back and asks about the baby and chats, it’s like blowing the hot embers in my heart. Of course all is well. Of course he’s a gorgeous baby. Of course it’s wonderful. For her. I know this stage will not last forever – it is a novelty still, and will take a few weeks at least to settle down. But oh does it hurt. (No one asks how my baby is, how my labor went. No photos adorn my desk. He is dead. Few people know – and if they do, there is nothing more to say.)

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And then there is my freelance work, which is always there to work on in my free time. I sit down to write contracts and emails and wonder how I find the time and energy, I am so busy. And then I wonder how I never found the time before. How is it that I am more productive now that I am working full-time on other things than I was when I worked on nothing at all? My motivation has changed, I suppose. Before I did it because I wanted to succeed. Now I do it because I want to survive. I used to design the grand plan in my head and then figure out what I neede to do to get there. (It usually failed.) Now I just do what I need to do today to get me to the next step. I’m not concerned with where it’s taking me. There is… not a dispassionate, but a step back. And in this I think it is working to my benefit. I am not over-thinking it quite so much anymore, so I stay focussed and moving forward instead of hung up on the little things.

I have been thinking a lot about my future – not my future in terms of family, for that is a mire I don’t wish to step foot in at the moment, but my future career path. I have done so many things in my life. I don’t regret it, I have enjoyed different aspects of every thing that I’ve done. I’ve been: a writer, a teacher, a photographer, a designer, an assistant manager of a non-profit, and now a bank teller. I’ve always gotten the feeling that if I wanted to I could excel at any of those things. But I never have, because I have never risked it all – I have never fully committed. I’ve never done full-time at anything. Some were just to get through college, some were hobbies, some I just fell into. I enjoy the diversity. I love being able to follow my passions, which ever way they lead, and not being stuck in any one thing.

But what am I giving up? I look at what people can accomplish in their careers – not just financially, though that is a big part of the picture. I see myself dipping my fingers in, but never fully taking part. I want to know what it’s like to really excel at something. There is a drive in me that is unsatisfied with doing “Okay.” I have ignored it for a long time, but it is there.

I have a degree in computer programming. Not web graphics, what I am doing, what many others do – but programming. And I loved it. I was good at it. I love the challenge, I love the code. I heard what comes out of my mouth every time someone asks me why I didn’t get a job doing that, but more and more I realize they are excuses. Fear. I never even tried, because I was scared.

Maybe someday – not right now, as I have what I want and need for the moment – but someday, 5 years from now, 8 years from now, I will stop making excuses and find out what I can really accomplish.