I am frustrated and depressed, as are probably 95% of Americans (the rest are clueless). I can’t tell you if the financial bail-out is a necessary thing. I’m not a financial advisor, I don’t understand most of it. I can tell you that I – and a whole lot of my friends and family – are pissed off that it’s come to this. Whether or not this bailout happens – needed or not – the situation is bad and it’s getting worse. I watch the news with a sinking feeling.

I’m furthermore pissed that the news media, as always, just seems to be sensationalising things and making people paranoid. I work at a bank now, did I mention that? Yeah. Most banks are just fine. Stocks suck, mortgage companies are causing havoc, but most consumer banks are just sitting back and watching. But people are all nervous and panicking now.

I am really kind of confused about the new plan to increase the Federal Deposit Insurance (FDIC) limits from $100k to $250k per person. Okay, in theory this sounds like a good way to calm people down and protect them. But, umm, just last week I saw on the news about how people are concerned that there isn’t enough money in this fund to cover everyone’s insured deposits if some more banks should fail…. so they’re going to increase the limit and, what, conjure more money out of thin air?? (As my husband pointed out, apparently they can conjure money out of thin air, a la $700 billion.)

Plus? Whether or not this bailout money is necessary to stop the markets from collapsing completely, I want to hear some talk on how to prevent this from happening again. Hello, next time let’s catch it before it becomes this serious, okay? No more bailouts, yes? Not sure how to do it – like I said, I sure as hell am not a financial advisor. But could someone please start coming up with a plan on how to fix the problem, instead of handing over some cash and making Timmy promise he’ll never do it again?

And they’re going to do all of this while cutting taxes. (You did see the new proposal?) Right. I think they’re all morons at this point. Can anyone do simple arithmatic? Logic? Anyone?

I know there have been worse times. There have been wars, the depression. But it’s slowly dawning on me that we’re in a war, heading straight to a recession, and I’m really wondering how this time in history is going to be looked back on. And I’m pretty pissed to be living it.

I’m just pissed in general, I think. I think the Daily Show (which, by the way, was hysterical – if you favor that kind of humor) had it about right when it called it a giant clusterfuck.

Randomly I’ll come across of photos of me pregnant. Not the typical ones I see all the time, but like on Facebook there are some photos of me from my baby shower.

At first I react with surprize and confusion. Did I really look like that? Did I really have that big belly that I envy my co-worker so much for?

Soon as the surprize ebbs I feel sad it’s gone. I look with a heavy heart, remembering days past… trying to pull up the memories of how it actually felt, and feeling disappointed that they are fuzzier now, harder to remember.

But then… then I smile. I had it once – it really is possible. And I will get to experience it all again.

And I feel hope.

So congress passed the bailout bill today. And I’m just freaking pissed off.

Not because the bailout itself got passed – as I said previously, I don’t really understand the financial implications and am not really affected by the stock market. I’m pissed because it failed the first time and passed the second. I’m pissed because a bunch of congress – of both parties – voted it down the first time. The president wanted the bill to pass, the republican presidential candidate wanted he bill to pass, the democratic presidential candidate wanted the bill to pass… and still congress didn’t pass it. Okay, fine. So what did they do? Address the underlying issue? Try to bring in some plan to prevent it from happening again? No. They “sweetened the deal.” They added effing tax breaks into the bill… tax breaks for businesses. Tax breaks for the very people who caused this whole fucking mess in the first place. NOW it passes. The same bailout amount. The same terms.

I just want to say to them, you fucking selfish assholes. You drag your feet because you want something out of the deal? You hem and haw and aren’t sure about it, but you buy in because of tax breaks??

And, hello, combining giving out 700 billion AND extending tax breaks seems completely contra-indicated here. The United States is digging itself a financial hole like nothing ever seen before. The country is like a freaking 18 year old who just got his first credit card and thinks it’s free money. What the hell ever happened to balanced budgets? You know… the amount coming in must equal the amount going out. Or, hey, here’s an idea: let’s pay back some of this debt we’re in.

Oh I am just disgusted, I really am. I’m sure there is more to it than what I am seeing, what the common people are hearing, but my initial impression is just to be really quite disgusted.

And furthermore, why on earth don’t they have some financial advisors on TV explaining the situation and why the bailout is necessary? I keep hearing that it IS necessary, like I said by many of this country’s current leaders, but no one’s really explaining why.

On another topic, the debate last night. It was fun to watch. I was pleasantly surprized by both VP candidates. Sarah Palin was obviously very very well tutored in a short amount of time and she seemed to hold her own… I know most of the world was wondering if we’d see some sort of meltdown. And Biden, who was pretty much an unknown factor to me, impressed me quite a bit after he woke up and stopped being boring. My main complaint was Palin changing the topic several times (hello, that topic was already discussed, I’m interested to hear what you have to say about the current one) and her folksy twang. I know it is probably a very calculated thing from the campaign and a lot of people probably did respond to her “girl next door” type of attitude. But it pissed me off. A) pronounce words correctly, goddamnit (I’m not talking about accents here, I’m talking about mangling words like NUCLEAR) and B) try to sound intelligent and poised. She sort of managed to sound like she knew what she was talking about. But highly rehearsed. She was told what to say, and she said it well. I still have absolutely no faith that she actually understands the issues beyond the script. “I’m a soccer mom.” Ugh.

I’ve been very down this week. Really struggling about everything, really pissed off. It’s gotten worse this weekend – I woke up feeling like I was going to burst into tears and wanted to just pull the covers over my head and forget about everything and everyone.

Driving to work I was thinking about how strange it was that I’m feeling so down. Then I realize tomorrow is October 5… 6 months since Devin’s due date.

I didn’t think I was really going to pay much attention to it, I didn’t think it was going to matter. He was born and died 7 months ago, no big deal. But I guess deep down inside is another story entirely.

Early in the morning (and I mean early) I am off to NYC and the AFA Family Matters Conference! If anyone else is there and you see me, say hi.

I’ll hopefully bring back a lot of info to share, and possibly even a better attitude a the one I currently have been carrying around.

My day yesterday did not exactly go as planned.

I woke up when my alarm went off at 4:30am and got up quietly, getting ready to go. It was then that the niggle started at the back of my brain. Wait, when was the train? I pulled out some papers and looked. 5:55am. It took an hour and a half to get from my place to New Haven to catch the train. I did some quick math. …… crap. Apparently I’m not good at math at midnight when setting alarms.

I drove above the speed limit the whole way, but to no avail – I missed the 6:00 train and had to catch the 7:00. Not a huge deal, except for the small matter of the shuttle bus I had planned to use to get from the subway station in Brooklyn to the conference. I would now arrive too late. I figured I’d just take a taxi. I didn’t know exactly how close to the subway station the conference center was, but I knew it was in the vicinity. It wouldn’t cost much.

I arrived at Grand Central at around 8:30. From there I hopped onto a subway (or two) and rode into Brooklyn. I got off at the correct station and got my bearings. Now all I had to do was hail a cab. I’d never done that before. I’ve ridden in a taxi exactly twice before, and neither time did I actually catch one off the street.

After a few minute of waiting I raised my arm at the sight of a cab. He pulled in. How easy was that! I felt very pleased with myself. I slid into the back seat and pulled out the conference info. “15 Washington Ave,” I told him. He mumbled something in a heavy accent. “Cross street? No, I don’t know the cross street. It’s on the water, though.” He pulled out a map and mumbled some more. Then we pulled away from the curb and I sat back. There was a screen in front of me with a map and some ad playing. How neat! I played with it. I glanced at the running meter, wondering if it would be under 5.00. It should be close. I glanced at street signs, hoping to see Washington Ave soon.

Instead I saw the Brooklyn Bridge. This alarmed me. Quite a bit, in fact. Especially when we started going over it. The map in front of me confirmed that we were indeed on the Brooklyn Bridge. “Ummm. Are you sure this is where we’re supposed to go?” He mumbled something again. I fidgetted in my seat. Maybe we were going the long way around? I swallowed a lump, looked at the clock which told me I was very late for the conference, and nervously looked out the window. We turned onto a highway which appeared to be going north. Okay, this is definitely not right. Not right at all. I leaned forward. “You know it’s in Brooklyn??” I said loudly.

“Brooklyn?!” he responded in a shrieky, accented voice. “Why you not tell me? Oh my god!” Oh fucking fantastic. My cabbie had no freaking clue where he was going.

He ended up turning around and getting us back on the Brooklyn Bridge and heading back into Brooklyn. He started asking me questions about where Washington Street is. “I don’t KNOW!” I told him, exaspirated. “I’m not from New York! I know it’s on the water, and close to the subway station! You’re supposed to know where it is!” He turned pulled out his map again and mumbled to himelf while consulting it. Then he turned onto some side streets. I – hahahaha – thought he had figured it out. Until we started driving up and down side streets, that is. I guess he was looking for it, hoping it would jump out at him.

Finally I’d had enough of this bullshit and told him I was very LATE, did he know where Washington Ave WAS?? No answer. I told him I would get another cab, let me out! He pulled over. He asked for 10 dollars, which was far less than what the meter read, and I gave it to him just wanting to be done with it, even though in my mind he owed ME for getting me lost.

Is there some unwritten rule that says you need to furnish your cabbie with a map to get to where you’re going? Somehow I thought they’d know how to get from point A to point B in their own city, that they’d own maps or something. And at the very least I would have hoped that the cabbie would TELL me that they have no clue and let me fine someone who does know. I mean, where the fuck did he think he was going?

So there I was, standing on some street in Brooklyn, no clue where I was going, and not even where I started though I had a rough idea how to get back there. And now I was extremely gun-shy about hailing another taxi. So I started walking. It was around here somewhere.

I asked several people if they knew where Washington Ave was. Half of them had no clue. One guy looked it up on his ipod and pointed me in the right direction. I walked.

There were points during that walk when I was near tears, let me tell you. I hate being late. I missed my train. My taxi cab got me lost. And now I didn’t even know where the fuck I was going. I had no map. I was just walking in that general direction, hoping I’d find it. And every time I stopped somewhere to ask where Washington Ave was for confirmation, they hadn’t a clue. Don’t these people know anything?! Freaking useless. A cop confirmed that I was going in the right direction. (There were about 10 cops, standing on a corner bullshitting. This is tax money at work??) I kept walking. And walking. By that time I wanted to grab another cab… but none were in sight. I was in a quiet section, not much traffic. No taxis passed me at all. So I kept walking.

Finally I glanced up and there it was. I stopped dead and did a double take. I looked to my left and there was the huge sign that proclaimed Steiner Studios.

I arrived I think right around 9:30. I later looked up my hike on google maps to discover that I walked over 2 miles. (Strangely, though, I wasn’t even out of breath when I got there. Obviously I’m in better shape than I thought.) I was tired, I was cranky, but I was relieved.

(I’ll write about the conference itself later. I’m tired and need to unwind.)

I’ve had this lingering cold thing for months now – I didn’t feel sick, but my voice sounded gravelly and I couldn’t hit any high notes at all (a scream comes out as a squeak). I was hoping it would go away on its own, but it became clear to me that it wasn’t going anywhere. So I made an appointment to see the doctor.

Of course yesterday, one day before the appointment, I came down with a cold. People have been sick everywhere – the cat sanctuary, the bank, my husband – so I guess it was only fair that I got it too. But now I’m pissed! It’s probably not the same thing that’s been lingering in my system… and now the doctor won’t be able to tell me what the heck it is! But it’s too late to cancel the appointment. How freaking irritating. I’m just going to have to wait for this one to pass, then go back again.

And I would really like to know why every time I get a cold it goes straight to my throat. Sinuses first… then throat. And it stays there.

Oh this is going to be a fun week working at the bank. I feel yicky.

Update: My Dr referred me to an ENT specialist to get this lingering thing checked out – and he seemed unimpressed that I waited so long to get it seen. (It’s been months now.) He said they may want to do allergy testing on me, and check things out structurally. And he wants me to use Flonase and possibly try Claritin to see if that helps. Which didn’t occur to me because I’ve never had allergies. *sigh* Here’s hoping the ENT can get some answers.

The good news is that the ENT appointment – while not scheduled yet – shouldn’t be until after this new cold thing is gone. And it wasn’t a wasted trip to the doctor.

I’m still irritated, though. What is my body doing to me NOW?

Working full-time was a hard decision to make and actually follow through. Getting this job was a step in accepting this new life of mine – this new DINK (double income, no kids) family we have had forced on us instead of chosen by us. After we got married I didn’t get a job because I was going to have a baby soon. I realized that I was holding back so that I wouldn’t have to switch. I think I was afraid that it would be really hard to go back to one income after living on two incomes for a sustained period – that it would be rougher than it ought to be. So I held back, I didn’t get a full-time job, and I waited to be a SAHM (stay at home mom). And I waited. And waited.

After we lost Devin I realized I couldn’t keep waiting. I couldn’t fall back into that same pattern, I had to do something different. I was, in a way, forced to live in the moment. Forced to deal with our current childless situation in a way that I avoided all through our initial infertility. Even though this time we actually have a timeline for getting pregnant and having a child, I realized that I couldn’t just sit there and wait again. I always kind of knew that nothing in this life is guaranteed, but now I know it. I wouldn’t say I’m afraid to bank on the future. It’s more that I respect that the future is never going to be a known entity and that I must make my life with what I have now.

Of course, needing the job to get IVF coverage was certainly a catalyst in the decision and made it a little easier to go through with it. It’s an odd position to be in, actually: in order to line up my life on one track I had to, by necessity, switch to a totally different track in the meantime. I’m not one who likes to do that. I like to work in a straight line. I like to have the future in my sights.

I worry a little bit that I am pushing myself too hard – we were writing down hours worked for my other job, my non-profit job, and I realized that per week I currently spend 10 paid hours at the non-profit, 7+ hours volunteer at the non-profit, 24 hours at my new job, and throw in another 1 or 2 hours for my freelancing that I still do on the side. That’s 42 hours of actual working time, not including travel and lunches and stuff. That’s a significant jump from the 15-ish hours a week I was working before. I am pretty damn tired. I am still adjusting to actually getting up in the mornings and my body still hasn’t caught on that it needs to fall asleep earlier to make up those lost hours in the morning. I find I really look forward to my Sundays to recharge my batteries. With last my last Sunday being spent in NYC all day (I left at 4:45am, got home shortly before midnight) it’s no wonder I got sick… I didn’t give myself time to recharge. I’ve felt like I’m running on E this week, though whether that’s from pushing too hard or simply being sick, I don’t know.

The dynamics at my new job seem to be working out just fine. No one brings up the son I lost, no one asks any questions, but I understand why they’re cautious about it. What’s more important to me is that they talk freely with me about pregnancy, sharing experiences. They do not seem to be uncomfortable if I bring things up offhand, so it’s all good. I’m still able to find some common ground with them, and I think that’s what’s important. I don’t feel left out of conversation.

Two interesting realizations for me today at work, though.

The first was that I still really enjoy talking pregnancies in a somewhat “motherly” role. Now I try very hard not to give out unwanted advice, no one wants that. But if someone is saying, “Is this normal? I’m concerned about this,” I’ll tell them what I have learned in my time researching pregnancy. It’s not even that I see mis-information floating around, it’s simply that I see people who really don’t have information. And I am very happy to share with them what I have learned – and then encourage them to talk to their doctor or look it up. I really am a huge believer in educating yourself and knowing your body.

I really really encourage pregnant women to understand what they are going through, as they are truly the people in charge. Doctors can certainly advise you and you SHOULD turn to them if you are concerned – but YOU, the pregnant woman, are the only one experiencing it. You are the one who will know first if something feels “wrong.” I want women to know that they should be doing kick counts and knowing what their baby’s patterns are. I want women to know that springing a leak IS a big deal. I want women to know that “minor cramping” that won’t go away could be a sign of premature labor. And I really really want women to know that if they feel nervous about something they should not shrug it off!

But. On the flip side, I do not want to see women worrying about every little thing. There is definitely a time and place to be anxious and concerned. But the reason I’m so passionate about educating yourself is so that you know what IS normal. All pregnancies, all labors, progress differently. You might feel aches in your side; you might lose your mucous plug; your water may break before labor starts; the baby may be head-up at 35 weeks. There is a huge range of “normal” and I think it’s important to understand and accept that.

Yes, it is a very delicate balance. I’m finding it very hard to walk that line in my head between natural birth advocate and someone who had a stillbirth. Both sides like to shout in my head. I’m sure it’s only going to get worse when I am pregnant, but I am going to try very hard to continue walking this line.

I still do feel like a career as a doula is still an option for me in the future. This is not the right time for it, I have shelved the idea for the moment – my current job(s) are not conducive to that lifestyle, and my mental state is certainly not conducive to that type of work. But it is still something that I am passionate about and I think I would do well at. I have tucked the idea away in my brain for now.

The second thing that happened today was that I found myself fantasising about being pregnant at this job… about having my big belly, having customers ask me when I’m due, having co-workers ask how I’m feeling and remark on how great I look. I stopped to examine my thoughts and emotions about this daydreams. I realized they were far more positive and excited than wistful and sad. I am daydreaming about the future, not replaying the past. I cannot wait to be able to announce to them that I am pregnant (probably not until my 13 week ultrasound – if I can hide it until then). I cannot wait to buy new materinity business clothes. I cannot wait to get that glow back.

I also realized that my daydreams held very little fear. More caution than my last pregnancy, certainly. But I really cannot picture myself hiding my pregnancy, hiding from my pregnancy. I cannot imagine myself not wanting to talk about it, not wanting to share it. I see myself nervous, but full of excitement and promise once again. It is a relief to me to really believe that I could feel that way again. After I lost Devin I knew right away that I would be pregnant again, the question was whether or not I could feel joy in it again. And I think I can. I think I will.

This is another way in which this new job is a good thing for me. Being pregnant in my new job will be a totally new experience, not walking in the old footsteps. I’m sure I am going to have many triggers as I proceed through it, and thankfully this new environment, these new people, will be somewhat a safe haven for me. It’s a new slate, a new path. The new pregnancy will not be the same as the old, and I think that will become an important role.

The job isn’t perfect – no job is, and I wasn’t expecting it to be. But it is new. It is temporary, so even the negative things I can handle because I know there is an end point. And this job will be the conduit for my next IVF, my next pregnancy. If there ever comes a day when I really don’t want to go to work I can just remind myself that I am doing this for my future baby. That is plenty enough motivation right there. Even for someone who likes her sleep and has never worked a 40-hour week in her life.

So you know I’m rather passionate about spreading awareness. Let’s make sure the lawmakers understand that this is an issue they cannot ignore! In addition to the steps below, we need to write in to our representatives in Congress and tell them that YES we need this bill to pass. WE NEED better research on why stillbirths happen. This is the only way we’re going to figure out how to prevent stillbirths them from happening. In this society, with all our technology, all our fancy machines, all our knowledge, 1 in 115 babies DIE between their 20th week of pregnancy and birth. This is unacceptable. We need to do better than that.

Full text of the legislation

Where to go to find out who is the Representative you should be writing to

Sample letter you can send, from First Candle

Also,

Antigone spearheaded a blogging campaign:

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.

Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.

On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let’s help pass H.R. 5979.

Action Steps:

Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.

GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word

Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.

GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.

Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: “Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act.”

GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages – most of which have nothing to do with the bill.

I need some input. When you have a head cold and your sinuses are completely clogged, do you normally produce way more cervical mucous? Because I’m starting to wonder if I even ovulated this month, it’s been like two weeks of this and I should have ovulated last week. Damnit. And no, I’m not doing any temping or OPKs or anything. And there’s no pee stick for progesterone levels.

ETA: I meant to add, but forgot, that I’m not taking any meds. I know that mucinex and stuff can loosen things up a lot… but up until yesterday I hadn’t taken even a tylenol. So whatever this is it’s all my body.