I don’t know what to do about Den. He’s been having one tooth causing him problems for a few weeks now and has been refusing to go to the dentist. He goes for his yearly checkup and cleaning – usually that one appointment leads to several other expensive ones because he has bad teeth – so he’s claiming we can’t afford for him to go again. (Whatever. We have emergency funds, it’s not like we’re broke.)

So yesterday it was really bad pain, he’s been taking advil like crazy… and apparently while I was gone this morning he was up at 5am because of his tooth. Just now he was walking around… it’s obvious he is in an extreme amount of pain right now. And he’s still refusing to make an appointment with the dentist!!

I am going to kick his ASS soon! He can’t just live with this. I think tomorrow I am going to have to make an appointment for him to go see a dentist, this is crazy. Why do men do this??

I am happy to say that Den will be going to the dentist tomorrow. I guess the pain got so excrutiating that he can’t take it anymore. (He has broken a ton of bones in his body, had his shoulder dislocate multiple times… and he says this is THE most painful thing he’s ever had. Ouch.)

So yesterday I drove into Boston to meet with Lady In Waiting, Mary Ellen, and a couple of other girls for the BBISP! The girls were the nicest people you could ever hope to meet and we had a great time going out for Thai food and then just snacking on deserts and wine and chatting until midnight. It was really fun for me to spend some time socializing with girls, and it was really quite nice for all of us to know that we were among others who knew what we were all going through and understood. I can’t wait to do it again!

My stomach has been having some weird rumbles today. Maybe it did not like the Thai food I ate last night? I don’t know what it is. It’s just like once every few hours it just freaks out at me and hurts. And then nothing.

Oh and my boobs? They’re still veiny. How insulting.

Today I feel very at peace. I think the main difference is because I got up at 7:30 instead of 6:30, due to Den staying home because of his tooth – don’t ask me why that hour makes a difference, but it definitely does. If I get up when Den does betwee 6:00 and 6:30 I am exhausted the rest of the day. If I get up at a more “normal” hour between 7:30 and 8:00 I feel so much perkier.

Of course, the brilliant sunny weather might have something to do with it, too. And the Enya CD that’s in my car – I need to listen to it far more often. And having fun relaxing at the sleepover this weekend did wonders for my mood, as well.

All of this is contributing to the fact that Den is still alive, despite me having to stay at home for three hours this morning trying to convince him to go to the dentist. He stayed home from work (because I told him so), then he changed his mind and decided his tooth wasn’t hurting this morning so he was going to go to work. I took his keys, hid them and told him I wasn’t driving him anywhere but the dentist. Then his tooth started hurting again, making his decision a little easier. So after whining for well over an hour (literally – he was walking back and forth whining that he didn’t want to spend the money, that he didn’t think it was really necessary, and on and on) HE FINALLY MADE AN APPOINTMENT. He just got home and the x-ray confirmed that he does indeed need a root canal done. I’m just glad it’s going to get done. And that I have not yet kicked his whiny ass.

Of course at some point in all of this I need to go back to work to do some more, and I have a meeting at 6 to go to, but I gotta say I would much rather be working on the Baby Blogorama site. I am doing some really really cool stuff with it that will just make searching for things so much easier and seamless. Oh it’s going to be pretty when I’m done.

There’s really not a hell of a lot to say when you’re not actively stimming or in the 2ww or anything, is there. I take a little blue BCP every night. That is all. I don’t even get any weird side-effects from birth control to write about – though it has always been difficult to seperate the “unusual moods” from my “normal moods.”

My life lately has been all about money. Specifically unexpected bills, several of which have come up in the past week or two and is making me very unhappy. It’s just bad timing, with our IVF cycle starting and us having to pay for those meds as well. Thankfully Den gets an extra paycheck this month, which will help cover it. It’s just so damn frustrating – we think we finally have some extra money for savings and we get hit with a bunch of bills we didn’t expect. It’s not going to put us in the poor house – though we should probably not go out for a fancy dinner for a few months. It’s just irritating and a little stressful. I’m glad I’m bringing in a little bit more money than I was.

Today we went out to watch a band perform. We got there a little early, people were just starting to filter in. Some women were there with their kids – little kids, around 2 years old, running around the empty room. It’s kind of funny how something can be so sweet and so painful at the same time. Half of me wants to say, “Awwww,” the other half of me says, “Why are there KIDS here??” I try not to let it affect my night, though. I try – and am doing pretty good about it – just letting it go. Young kids can be both sweet and irritating to me anyways, infertility or not – it’s the small babies that I just can’t handle right now.

I’m in this weird emotional limbo. I don’t know how positive I am about this IVF cycle. I’m definitely fully committed to it, and looking forward to getting it started… but I’m wondering if it isn’t to feel useful and busy and productive. The last failed cycle hit me really hard and I don’t know how I’m going to be able to find much hope for this cycle. I have hope for more embryos, I can say that – doing ICSI has made me feel positive about that. I just don’t know if I have any hope of any of them sticking. I don’t know if I can even picture myself pregnant anymore.

A change has happened. For so long I made plans tentatively, saying, “Well, I’ll probably be pregnant by then…” Now I find myself saying, “Not like I’ll be pregnant.”

It makes me a little sad. I hope I regain some optimism at some point this cycle. I know I am still mourning. I just wasn’t prepapred for how hard the first cycle would be.

I posted some fabulous links on Baby Blogorama about birth that you really do need to go check out. I really really want to go see The Business of Being Born (unless of course reading about birth and delivery would put you in tears, then please avoid). I really, really hope they get it to show on movie theaters. I would drag Den to it.

I’ve been trying to explain to Den how important the labor and birth process is to me, and what my vision of it is. I don’t want to give birth here at home, unless we somehow miraculously finish updating the entire house by then. And then I’d still have to deal with the dogs and cats, and I quite frankly don’t want that – or the fur. But I want a home-like setting. I say this again and again – but I do not want to be hooked up to monitors and be laying in a hospital birth. I’ve come to accept the fact that that is how I’m going to MAKE the baby. But I’ll be damned if that’s how the baby is going to come OUT. So what if most people do it the other way around.

The (huge) stumbling block in my fantasies of giving birth in a dark room on a bed with a midwife and a doula is… my husband. Now I certainly can’t fault him for being protective of me and any future baby. The man is downright terrified of something going wrong. Just me mentioning looking for some other birthing centers – other options – near here had him whipping his head around and saying, “But that wouldn’t be in the hospital!!” He is fine with me doing whatever I need to do to get through the birth, but he wants me within 10 feet of a team of doctors – and no I am not joking about that. He knows a major bigwig at the hospital’s L&D department and he has visions of him summoning this bigwig to my bedside to deliver my baby – despite the fact that I seriously doubt a major bigwig would be doing anything of the sort.

I really hope that by sharing stories and statistics (when I get around to actually reading books about birth – which won’t be until after I’m pregnant) and by talking to him about how important this is to me, that he’ll come to understand my viewpoint. I would feel completely safe giving birth with a midwife in a birthing center. I just hope he can feel safe about it.

(The more I think about what my current midwife told me, the less I’m thinking it’s going to work for me. I’m not even guaranteed to give birth with her, I might get stuck with the OBGYN in the practice, and they only give birth at the hospital. I like her a lot – a point Den keeps reminding me of – but it’s just not what I am really hoping for. I would hate to change to someone new, but I don’t want to feel restricted just because I started with her and didn’t want to change.)

Then again, there’s still that women’s and infants center at the hospital that may provide what I’m looking for.

:: ::

Tonight my legs and feet are very crampy. Luckily I’ve been catching them and stretching them out before they hit full-blown cramp mode. Not really sure what’s causing this, and not really sure what to do about it, either. Oh, I think I know… dancing all yesterday evening at the club… in high heels. Yep, that’ll do it. (A day late is unusual, though.)

I’m not in too great of shape, physically. The back of my right leg is very achy today due to a massive charlie-horse I got yesterday evening… I quickly spun and pressed my leg into the wall to relieve it (I like that wall being there), but it feels bruised now. That was the worst cramp of the week, but certainly not the only one… I have had to be very careful with how I sit in bed with my laptop, as my feet have been very apt to cramp up suddenly.

The back of my left hand is still sore from who-knows-what. Yesterday I woke up with the tendons on the back of my left hand feeling very sore and it’s still like that. I’m right-handed… right hand is my mouse. Which is very good, because if my mouse hand were affected I’d be having a conniption. But why is my left hand so sore?? What could I possibly have done to it during the night? Well, at least it isn’t slowing me down much, just catches me off-guard now and then when I clench my fist.

The least obvious of my current aches-and-pains is far less noticeable than the other two but is much more worrisome. I’ve been feeling little twinges and sometimes a little bit of pain from my left ovary. It’s tender in that area and sometimes when I roll over wrong onto my hand or something it hurts. Sometimes for no reason at all it hurts. I really, really hope that it’s just “normal” and not a cyst or something that could potentially delay our cycle. I always thought cysts were more than a very brief, random twinge though. Plus my left ovary is where I had some free fluid, and I don’t know what that would cause? I’m a little nervous to go to my baseline scan though. If there’s something wrong I may cry.

My day took a somewhat turn for the worse.
“And then out of the corner of my eye I saw water creeping out from under the washer. ‘Water!’ I said. ‘Something’s leaking!!’ … Den tilted the machine back so I could see underneath… and sure enough water is pouring out from the bottom of the washer.”

The good news: Our brand new front loader washer and dryer arrived two days ago! They’re beautiful!

The bad news: Our washer is defective and flooded our kitchen.

More good news: Repairs/replacement is fully covered by warranty.

More bad news: The repair place isn’t even open until monday.

So. Yay?

Other than that I’m just glad it’s Friday. Of course I got a call from a client today saying that something still isn’t working and of course I need to fix it ASAP, plus I still have other projects that need to get done very soon, so I’m not really sure how much relaxation I’m going to get this weekend. But Monday we are going to Six Flags damnit. Come hell or, well, flooding already happened. But I am going to Six Flags and I am going to ride the coasters and I am not going to think about work or how I’m still not effing pregnant yet all day.

Or, I won’t think about it at least until I get home, when I need to take my first lupron shot. Somewhat exciting. Somewhat.

I mentioned in a previous post about how I’ve changed from “I’ll be pregnant soon” to “Not like I’m going to get pregnant anytime soon.” Along with that change in perspective has come another one:

Seeing pregnant people or women with small babies used to just make me sad in a wistful kind of way. Hearing about pregnancies and friends’ babies used to not bother me. Getting unexpected news was hard, but I could fully participate in the rest of it.

I no longer feel able to cope right now. I no longer just feel “sad” – I feel angry and empty. Instead of a warm wistful feeling when I pass by a pregnant woman in a store I get a very cold lump in my stomach. I actually feel myself emotionally shutting down inside. And, sadly enough, I feel like right now I’m just not really able to participate emotionally with my pregnant and parenting friends. I’m lurking, but sometimes even that I can’t do. Even fellow stirrup queens. And I know it’s normal, and I know it’s “okay” to have to withdraw for a little while. I don’t like feeling like this though.

I’m okay with the Baby Blogorama stuff though…. mainly because I feel like it’s a job, and I’m so focussed on the code and the lists and the data it’s okay. I put myself in working mode and it’s fine. I don’t have to emotionally connect. (I should emotionally connect, but I don’t have to, and right now I just can’t.)

Or maybe I’m just feeling extra cranky tonight.

I have an interesting situation coming up. My mom is planning to come visit us in July, which I am very excited about! I am really hoping my dad comes too, but if he doesn’t… well. We’ll just have to make do. (I am worried about dealing with my mother alone for a whole week though. She and I tend to “clash” when living in the same space together. Needless to say we get along FAR better now that I’ve moved away.) Due to our anniversary vacation and Den’s business trip in August we only have a narrow window of 2 weeks in which she can come visit. Which week she comes will be dependent on her schedule as well.

The problem is that within those two weeks will be my beta. And all I can picture is finding out that our second IVF didn’t work and then having to deal with my mother when all I want to do is stay in bed and cry. Not that my mother doesn’t know what we’re going through – she’s honestly very supportive of us and would really try hard to comfort me. But generally that’s the problem: she tries too hard. And I’m the kind of person who will simply lock myself in a room and bawl for a few hours alone. Maybe she’d understand, maybe she wouldn’t… I don’t know.

So that shall be interesting. Hopefully she comes the first week… which should be right after our transfer (possibly during our transfer, but I am unconcerned about that), during our 2 week wait. That would be a very good way to keep my mind off of things.

In any case there is really not much I can do about it, I don’t know exactly which week my beta will fall so it’ll simply be luck of the draw.

Plans are still on for Six Flags tomorrow. I will be having a very good time not working.

Sooo, apparently I applied sunscreen really really well to 95% of my body. My shoulders are only just barely red (for me that’s a resounding success – super fair skin means that even with SPF 55 I’ll still burn) and my face actually doesn’t look bad at all! Unfortunatley I forgot the backs of my knees. :( I didn’t even notice a thing until we left the park entirely, then the back of my legs started getting itchy and I realized… oops… bright red spots. Well then. That was rather stupid of me.

The weather was gorgeous today… and warm. Very very warm. Mid-80s, I think. I had to keep paying the park’s extortionist prices for a bottle of water or poweraid or cup of soda, I felt so thirsty all day! But not really very hungry. Which is probably a good thing.

We did a lot of walking of the park, and rode all the big coasters at least once – our favorites (Superman and Batman) multiple times. It was a great time! We got a tiny bit snippy with each other a couple of times (like the time he was trying to yank down his restraint before the guy came by, and ended up elbowing me in the arm three times before I snarked loudly at him), but we had a great time together. We stayed past when he wanted to leave, but I was desperately trying to cram in all the fun I could into our one day at the park. We even went on the silly kiddy rides that I love, like the big swing and the scrambler. Silly? Sure. Did I enjoy it? Absolutely!

What I did not enjoy: all the freakin kids in the park. While I am really hoping for a baby of my own soon, most of the time other peoples kids tick me the heck off. Especially the ones running around the park being dumbasses. (I’m talking teenagers here.) Oh wouldn’t you just love to smack them sometimes and tell them to stop horsing around and acting like idiots? I sure would.

Another annoyance Den and I both muttered about: people pushing strollers. Surprizingly this had nothing to do with the fact that babies were involved, and everything to do with the fact that the people in the park today pushing strollers seemed to feel it was their devine right to walk wherever they wanted without looking where they were going. I cannot tell you the number of times we had to jump out of the way as some stroller-pushing spaceball careened right into where we were, because they were gawking at something or another. Just watch where you’re going – that’s all we ask!

The Six Flags has a whole new part of the park (Wiggles World – I don’t even know what the Wiggles are) just for little kids, in addition to the old kids part. We were watching some of the kiddie rides go and sighing about how fun it would be to bring our kids there. Granted little kids make it far more difficult to go on any of the fun adult rides, but how great would it be to watch your kid enjoy a “balloon” ride (that doesn’t go more than 3 feet off the ground)? Sigh.

At the end of the day we were feeling worn down and taking a break before hitting our last ride of the night. We walked up the main street and felt sorry for the poor smucks who have to stand there all day trying to tempt people into playing one of those stupid games that you lose money at. Well we went from booth to booth just shaking our heads until we hit a booth that was full of humongous stuffed kitty cats – panthers, tigers, jaguars. I collect stuffed cats. I have a large collection. And those big huge cats really caught my eye. Furthermore, the game was throwing a baseball at a stack of blocks.

Did I mention here that my husband played baseball for years and years? And he pitched? Granted he hasn’t played at all this year and he has bad shoulders, but if anyone could manage to win, he could. So I hinted to him that maybe we could afford him to try. He said he’d probably miss the blocks entirely and make a fool of himself. (I contend that he could not possibly make a better fool of himself than the large man who not only missed everything, but threw the ball like a 9 year old girl. It was really quite sad.) So we sat in silence for a moment. Then Den said he’d give it two tries, but that was it. (It cost $2 per throw.)

So he goes up there and pays, gets a ball. I’m holding the $2 for the next throw. I back up to give him space for his pitch. And before I really notice him throwing I see the ball crashing into the blocks. The bottom two went flying, but the third one dropped onto the table. I thought for sure it was going to just stay there, like we expected… but it rolled off! The girl starts ringing a cow bell and asks which prize he wanted. Den was giddy he actually did it; I was giddy that I got a huge cat! I will post photos tomorrow. It’s seriously huge and so awesome. :D He’s never won me anything before! (Never tried!)

I guess today really was what I needed. :) I’ll be itchy and sore tomorrow both from the localized sunburn and my very aching feet, but damn did it feel good to leave my cellphone at home, and my laptop, and not have to work all day. I did go into the cat sanctuary this morning to pick up and unload the order we got today, and had to deal with a minor situation regarding it (irritating I tell ya), but it was almost a whole day off.

In cycle news, today was my first lupron shot. I just don’t even know how I feel about that. So many things. Certainly only the tiniest, tiniest little sliver of excitement that I had the last time around… if it’s there at all. I honestly nearly forgot about the lupron shot today. The thought surfaced in my memory a couple of times today – not every five minutes.

The difference a cycle makes:

First cycle lupron shot: 8:45. 8:50. “Okay, I think I have everything ready. Let me check and count again. Okay. Right. So you pull back to the 10 unit mark… 10 units right? That’s what it says on my sheet. Double-check with the prescription… yeah, 10 units. Okay. So the needle… it’s this needle here.” Double-checks needle list and compares with instructions for lupron. “I think you pull back to the 10 unit mark before putting it in the vial. I better read the instructions for a third time. Just to make sure.” Reads instructions again. “Den, you have the vial? Right then. Roll it in your first.” He does. “Let me do it.” I do it too. “Okay, insert into rubber stopper on vial. Depress needle. Turn upside-down. Draw up 10 units. Yes. Shake the bubbles out. No let me do it, you’re doing it wrong. Seriously, Den!” Bickering ensues. “Nevermind then.” 8:57. 8:58. 8:59. Pinches my fat. “Okay go! No, wait a second.” Deep breath. “Let me count to 10. Okay, now.” … “It only hurt a little. No really. See? Not bad.” Den caps the syringe and ceremoniously drops it into the sharps box. We cheer and heave a sigh of relief. I go and write about the experience and mark it off in my little book.

Second cycle lupron shot: “Shit, it’s 9:30.” Grabs the vial and fishes a needle out of the big meds box. Draws up 10 units, gives it a flick. “Den you have a sec?” Walks over to Den, offer my stomach. “Right here.” Quick stab. “Thanks.” Tosses needle in sharps container and goes to eat dinner.

Oh my god, I almost forgot! Certainly the most unexpected part of my day today!

When I got home I had two voicemails. I thought for sure at least one of them would be either work or my client, but it was neither… it was the IVF pharmacy confirming our order and shipping. Last cycle we didn’t even ask what our total was before shipping; we knew insurance would cover all but a co-pay so we just had it shipped direct to us and found out from the receipts what we had paid via credit card. This time, since I never got around to finding out how much of our $1500 total we had left on our insurance, and sure it was going to be almost zilch, I asked that the pharmacy confirm the total with me before shipping so I could make sure the funds would be in the bank account one way or the other… or the total would go on Den’s credit card.

Unfortuantely they called today for shipping confirmation, and I was not here. (So they couldn’t ship it all. Doesn’t really matter to me, as I have enough lupron to last the cycle so I’m just waiting for my other meds I’ll need during stimming.) Then they got to our total… I kid you not, she said our co-pay was $93.98. :shock: I am stunned!! My first thought was that someone screwed up! But they must have confirmed with our insurance before getting a total… which means we will honestly have to pay only $93 for all our meds for our second cycle. Holy crap!! Between the truck tires that had to be replaced and Den’s significant dental bills and the upcoming IVF meds bill I was about ready to cry. This is such a huge relief, a crazy, unexpected, jump-for-joy relief! I have no idea how we managed to get all my meds under that limit, but thank you whoever wrangled that one… including the wonderful, amazing IVF nurses who have worked so hard to get us the cheapest options available to stay under our limits.

This will be our last insurance-covered cycle. They pay for 2 IVF cycles and that is it, total. Any FETs we do, or heaven forbid any more fresh cycles, will be completely out of pocket – and I have no idea how we’re going to pull that off. It puts a lot of pressure on this one cycle.

The heat is killing me. We finally put our A/C units in, thank the light, but unfortunately they’re only in the bedrooms. Which means my entire office, the main TV, and the kitchen is a melting pot right now. I dislike melting, just so you know. So all my stuff has temporarily booked into the bedroom, including the DVR cable box and of course my laptop. This is now my office. At least I am comfortable.

Injections have been going just fine. I like the lupron-only injections… they’re such a tiny little prick and no stinging. Don’t even need ice for them. Though what is both sweet and annoying is that every time he does it, Den says, “Did you feel that? I’m sorry! I don’t think that went in well…” The annoying part is that he says all this while staring at me while the needle is in me. I quickly reassure him that it’s fine, I didn’t feel a thing, but what I want to do is say, “OMG just finish the injection, you moron!” So far I have remained nice. I may have to politely tell him tomorrow to refrain from comments until after he is done.

Tomorrow is my last birth control pill. I am hoping that my period arrives saturday and doesn’t wait 3 days like last time. I want to get this show on the road, no dawdling… I want to make sure my retrieval does not fall during our mini-vacation. (I have had a few thoughts of not taking my last BCP in order to coax AF out early, but I decided against it just because I have no idea if AF is going to take 3 days again, or if it will show up the very next day.)

I have had far too much on my mind lately, between work and clients and that stupid-ass broken washer (drum is cracked and needs to be replaced, won’t be done until next week at the earliest – lovely yes?) I haven’t had a lot of time to think about this cycle. Which is fine I guess. But I could use a weekend of sleeping in or something.

Speaking of sleep I’d better get some or I am sorely going to regret it tomorrow.