Will It Ever Happen?
There’s really not a hell of a lot to say when you’re not actively stimming or in the 2ww or anything, is there. I take a little blue BCP every night. That is all. I don’t even get any weird side-effects from birth control to write about – though it has always been difficult to seperate the “unusual moods” from my “normal moods.”
My life lately has been all about money. Specifically unexpected bills, several of which have come up in the past week or two and is making me very unhappy. It’s just bad timing, with our IVF cycle starting and us having to pay for those meds as well. Thankfully Den gets an extra paycheck this month, which will help cover it. It’s just so damn frustrating – we think we finally have some extra money for savings and we get hit with a bunch of bills we didn’t expect. It’s not going to put us in the poor house – though we should probably not go out for a fancy dinner for a few months. It’s just irritating and a little stressful. I’m glad I’m bringing in a little bit more money than I was.
Today we went out to watch a band perform. We got there a little early, people were just starting to filter in. Some women were there with their kids – little kids, around 2 years old, running around the empty room. It’s kind of funny how something can be so sweet and so painful at the same time. Half of me wants to say, “Awwww,” the other half of me says, “Why are there KIDS here??” I try not to let it affect my night, though. I try – and am doing pretty good about it – just letting it go. Young kids can be both sweet and irritating to me anyways, infertility or not – it’s the small babies that I just can’t handle right now.
I’m in this weird emotional limbo. I don’t know how positive I am about this IVF cycle. I’m definitely fully committed to it, and looking forward to getting it started… but I’m wondering if it isn’t to feel useful and busy and productive. The last failed cycle hit me really hard and I don’t know how I’m going to be able to find much hope for this cycle. I have hope for more embryos, I can say that – doing ICSI has made me feel positive about that. I just don’t know if I have any hope of any of them sticking. I don’t know if I can even picture myself pregnant anymore.
A change has happened. For so long I made plans tentatively, saying, “Well, I’ll probably be pregnant by then…” Now I find myself saying, “Not like I’ll be pregnant.”
It makes me a little sad. I hope I regain some optimism at some point this cycle. I know I am still mourning. I just wasn’t prepapred for how hard the first cycle would be.
I can totally relate to the change that happens between “Well, I might be pregnant by then” to “Not like I will be pregnant or anything”
It is such a painful change too!
Hang in there!
You don’t have to try to feel anything that you don’t feel. You are committed to doing the cycle and that is enough. It sounds like you need to grieve for a while before being able to cultivate hope and that is understandable.
Man, so hard…
You know, I’ve read so many blogs during this commentathon…
So many people, including myself, are saying similar things. They have no hope for the recent/current/next/future cycles. We are all having to come to terms with these feelings in order to make it through just one more. We do this because the process DOES work for people 30-40% of the time, or we wouldn’t do it at all.
I guess I’m just saying your feelings are completely normal. Hang in there and we’ll try to get through one more, eh?
I’ve noticed that too… so many of us feeling like we just don’t have hope that it’ll work. We’d better be seeing a bunch of BFPs at the end of this month.
All you need to do is be true to your feelings. I mean, so much of what we do keep us in limbo. To that end, I feel like it would be odd to NOT feel conflicting emotions all the time. Doesn’t make it suck any less, but it makes you human, and that can only be a good thing.