I had been trying for a few weeks to turn off registration-required commenting but couldn’t find it – well I found it. So hopefully now you can comment without registering. :)

Den’s doctor called him today. He can get his SA any day next week, he just has to show up at the lab between 7 and 9am. Den sounded confused as he was telling me this – I guess the last time he’d talked to his doctor, the doctor had made it sound like he could pick up the cup thing there and then just deliver the sample to the lab. I had doubts about that myself, just because of how far the lab is from our house. So he’ll have to go in to do it. I tried explaining that I could go with him if he wanted, and he didn’t know how he felt about that idea. I think the idea of husband and wife going into a little room with a sample cup makes him all wiggy, lol! He said, “But… they let people do that?” I love my husband. ;)

But he plans to go in Monday morning. The sooner the better, in our opinions. It will be so nice to get this done with, even if we do end up having to pay for it. (Which I think we will.)

And then shit happens and I’m considering throwing in the towel – or at least postponing it for a while. DH and I are going to have a long talk when he gets home. At the very least I’m not so sure I want to pursue any kind of infertility treatments when we hit one year. I’m thinking maybe we were given this time to sort things out, and we need to SOLVE the problem, not just push it aside and hope it goes away.

(I don’t feel like going into specifics here. But I’ll say that the problem is not with the marriage. It’s just family/circumstance issues that will deeply impact our kids.)

It’s funny, I have never, ever been a religious person. And I’m not going to start believing in a god. But… but I’m really starting to understand why people look for meaning in things. Why people look for reasons and explanations.

At this time tomorrow, Den will be home. Woo hoo!

A few people, who have heard the long story about the shit that’s going on, have suggested that we put off having a baby until we figure the problems out, since the problems ARE affecting the marriage to a degree (arguing about how to handle things, etc). But deep inside I rebel against that idea. We ARE working on the issues, working through things, working on improving our communication so we can actually solve the problems rather than fight about it – but I don’t want to put our life on hold for it. (And while these people have read about some of the problems we’re having, they obviously do not know the full story, they don’t know more than what I write in one thread. So I don’t feel right making decisions based on their opinions alone.)

However I am not sure I would want to go ahead with infertility treatments right now either. Diagnostics, absolutely – I want to KNOW what’s wrong. But I would have to think long and hard before committing to expensive, emotional treatments.

Right now it’s not the time for making decisions, anyways. SA tomorrow morning. We need the facts before making decisions.

PS – DH is going nuts. He comes home from being away for 2 weeks, and we can’t have sex for two days. Not only that, but he can’t even, ummm, well do anything. He needs to save those little men. The poor guy. He’ll be so happy tomorrow.

Does anyone know a forum for people with depression, or TTC/parent blogs of those who deal with depression? Right now I could really use some support from others who *know* what it’s like – and I’d really love to see how other people deal with life.

Sometimes I worry about my ability to care for a child. Or even get through pregnancy. That’s why I did a lot of research up-front about my medications and pregnancy, because I really honestly need the medications. I’m on the medications, and I still struggle a lot… I still have very bad days. Today is a better day, but even so, my chest feels tight, my thoughts are racing.

I have made the decision to seek a psychologist. It’s been years since I’ve seen anyone about it besides my general doctor, the medications and my own introspection was doing okay. But now… now I’m settled in my new life, my new marriage… my new insurance policy. And I seem to be getting a little bit worse. I don’t really want to increase my medication dosage, but I realize that I need some extra help getting through this. Maybe it’s all the stress from TTC that’s making it worse, who knows. Maybe it’s simply circumstance.

Oh, plus – today I found out from my dad that depression (and possibly anxiety) runs in his side of the family. There are at least 4 others who have clinical depression. Makes me feel a little less of a freak. But, as Den pointed out, that ups our children’s chances at getting it too.

Today while getting everything “out in the open” the circumcision topic was brought up again (by me, as usual). Den is very very firmly convinced the circumcision is the ONLY option for a baby boy, that it would be – in his words – “gross” if the baby wasn’t circ’d. So tonight while awake and completely bored I poked around the Mothering forum on Circumcision. Oh my god, I feel ill. I could never, will never, do that to my son. I just don’t understand it at all.

Hopefully reading some of those things will convince Den. In a normal situation I think reading anything like that would completely freak him out – but he really feels very strongly about this so I know he will have issues. I read the most disturbing story about a woman whose husband totally freaked out when she tried telling him exactly what circumcision was…. because if he admitted that it was better not to circumcise his son, it would mean admitting that his own penis was lacking and that idea was so horrifying to him.

It all just really chilled me. I’m really hoping we get a little baby girl so we can avoid all of this!

But you know, other than the circ issue, I have really warmed up to the idea of having a baby boy. Seeing others’ baby boys reminds me of when my brother was young and it just makes my heart melt. My brother was the most adorable little kid, he really was. Yeah, I think I could deal very well with a baby boy. :) (But of course I will still secretly hope for a girl. ;) )

I found this article speaking from a man’s perspective, discussing the motivations behind why some circumcised men – like my husband – freak out at the idea of not circumcising their son. Very, very enlightening. Whenever I bring it up Den just keeps repeating, “It’s so unhealthy, it’s so gross,” like a mantra. He is very, very emphatic about it. He never explains it more than that, he has no more reasoning behind it than “It’s disgusting,” and I severely doubt he’s ever read anything about uncircumcised penises. (Because he just doesn’t do something like that and the very topic would make him turn and run. He simply would NEVER read anything voluntarily.) It is very frustrating trying to have a give-and-take conversation with someone – me wanting to discuss facts, research, stuff I’ve read. He does not want to discuss it. He does not want to think about it.

So that article was really very good. I really hope someday we can sit down and have an open discussion about our motivations and desires regarding the subject, but I know it is going to be a very, very heated and touchy subject with him. I am really going to try to not push a discussion until I’m actually pregnant. Because though I would love to get the discussion done with as soon as possible (and also keeping in mind that it will probably be an ongoing discussion, the more time to think things through the better), but I also do not think that it is a good idea to stir up this hornet’s nest at this point in time. We have a lot of other things to be concerned with, including getting pregnant in the first place.

Jeez, I was so preoccupied I forgot the news of the day: the SA – well at least our part of it – is done! Communication between doctor and lab and us left a little bit to be desired, though. We got to the lab and the receptionist asked us for our paperwork. We did not have any. DH was never given any, nor told he had to have any. Receptionist said she’d check to see if the doctor faxed it over, and luckily he had. DH and I were shooting looks at each other and muttering, “Paperwork? He never mentioned paperwork. I’ll be pissed…” And then the receptionist asked if we had the sample. …. No. We were not told to bring a sample with us, nor were we given anything to put a sample in. So she got us one and told us we could drop it off whenever.

Den didn’t say anything – he’s far too nice sometimes – but neither of us wanted to rearrange our schedules to make a second trip in tomorrow. We we went in search of a private washroom. We found one. :D I did point out to Den that they more than likely had some sort of room for on-site samples, but I think he didn’t really want to ask, it would have made him feel even weirder. I just tried to make it feel like we were having a naughty public tryst. Considering he hasn’t been able to do anything with me for over two weeks, it wasn’t a hard sell!

So the sample is done. As we left the building Den said, “That was somewhat anti-climactic.” In fact it’s only really sinking in for me now that our first big step is done and that we’ll soon be getting results that could change everything. I’m thinking Den is probably full of apprehension at getting the numbers. I really don’t know what to expect. And we’ll just have to deal with whatever we get.

I have been feeling sick all day. This morning I got home from dropping Den off at work and had one of my nasty, gut-wrenching stomachaches causing me to feel like puking. Those are never fun. And all night I’ve felt kind of bloated and like my bladder was about to burst. Blah.

A part of me would like to believe these are good signs, but I know that this month they are either not related to my cycle or telling me that AF is knocking on the door.

Only a month and a half until our “official” diagnosis. That’s somewhat depressing. I don’t know if I’ll make a call before my next cycle is over – it depends on the SA results. But either way if cycle #12 ends in a BFN I’ll be putting the wheels in motion. Cycle #12 – twelve! Good god, who would have thought. We just want some answers.

Though, it would be nice to tell people that we have an actual diagnosis of infertility – I think it carries more weight in peoples’ minds. Maybe they’ll stop with the “just relax” crap. And if they don’t, I’ll tell them to take the medical diagnosis and shove it. Yes indeed.