Well one half of our vacation is over. Den and I are now in different places – I’m visiting my friend and her new baby, Den’s gone home. I was so sad to watch him walk away at the airport – silly, but old habits die hard. I brought my thermometer, though who knows if I’ll remember to use it. not like it’s going to be super important…. since Den isn’t here. I go home friday night, he leaves saturday morning (for 2 weeks). Lovely.
I’ve been thinking a lot about Den’s SA coming up in only a few days. He made the appointment with his GP doctor, not an RE or urologist. The Dr is going to do a physical in addition to the SA, to check for any visible problems. But they didn’t give him any instructions or anything. We also don’t know when we’re going to get the results back.
A lot is going to hinge on these results. Of course we hope that they come back stellar or at least “perfectly normal,” but Den is pretty positive the results are going to be horrible, and I’m sitting on the fence and unwilling to bet one way or the other. I hope they’re good, but on the same token I fear they’ll be bad. Either way, at least we’ll know.
If the results are sub-par it’s definitely going to catapult our TTC journey into infertility land. Den will probably have to make some lifestyle changes, at the very least, and sub-par numbers will probably nudge us towards IUI sooner rather than later. If the results are really bad we might end up with IVF, but I’m not thinking about that right now. For some reason the step to IUI seems perfectly acceptable to me, but IVF involves a big needle and very strong drugs, and that makes me feel a little bit ill. That seems to be a very big step there.
We may very well end up paying the money for the SA ourselves, something we are not overly concerned about at this point. It should be less than $200. But then, if he gets a poor result, insurance will pay for IUI or IVF or whatever is needed – at least I’m pretty sure they will – because we will have a definitive reason for doing it. (I’ve taken a look at the infertility “request for coverage” forms they have – there’s both a spot for “how long have you been trying” and a “why is this medically necessary”, leading me to believe that one is as important as the other.)
It’s a little odd this month, knowing that we have really no chance of getting pregnant. Whever will I do with myself, if I can’t obsess? I am very good at obsessing. Kel says it might be a good thing to let my mind reset itself. ;) Either way I just feel a bit empty about the whole thing. I’ve seen a lot of babies and pregnancy lately, and I feel pleasantly happy about it all – and not depressed or angry or anything negative. Even being here with Kel and her baby, I feel all, How very cute, I’ll get to do all this in the future, and nothing more. No obsessive freak-outs or crying or depression. On one hand I’m relieved. But on the other it’s making me feel a little worried.
That figures, doesn’t it. My mind gives me a little break and all it does is serve to make me worry.
I have a wicked headache tonight. I was watching TV with Kel and her hubby, puttering on the laptop… and it crept up at around 8pm. First it was just the overhead lights bothering me, then my temple started hurting a bit. Well now my entire forehead and right temple is throbbing and I’ve gone to bed. I took my daily meds as well as two midol, so hopefully that will knock this out enough that I can sleep. Ugh. I hate headaches. But a dark room is definitely nice. Very nice. *hunkers down into the bed*
A very interesting article in the NY Times:
Voluntary C-Sections Result in More Baby Deaths
Researchers have found that the neonatal mortality rate for Caesarean delivery among low-risk women is 1.77 deaths per 1,000 live births, while the rate for vaginal delivery is 0.62 deaths per 1,000. Their findings were published in this month’s issue of Birth: Issues in Perinatal Care.
The percentage of Caesarean births in the United States increased to 29.1 percent in 2004 from 20.7 percent in 1996, according to background information in the report.
Mortality in Caesarean deliveries has consistently been about 1½ times that of vaginal delivery, but it had been assumed that the difference was due to the higher risk profile of mothers who undergo the operation.
This study, according to the authors, is the first to examine the risk of Caesarean delivery among low-risk mothers who have no known medical reason for the operation.
Congenital malformations were the leading cause of neonatal death regardless of the type of delivery. But the risk in first Caesarean deliveries persisted even when deaths from congenital malformation were excluded from the calculation.
Intrauterine hypoxia – lack of oxygen – can be both a reason for performing a Caesarean section and a cause of death, but even eliminating those deaths left a neonatal mortality rate for Caesarean deliveries in the cases studied at more than twice that for vaginal births.
“Neonatal deaths are rare for low-risk women – on the order of about one death per 1,000 live births – but even after we adjusted for socioeconomic and medical risk factors, the difference persisted,” said Marian F. MacDorman, a statistician with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and the lead author of the study.
“This is nothing to get people really alarmed, but it is of concern given that we’re seeing a rapid increase in Caesarean births to women with no risks,” Dr. MacDorman said.
Part of the reason for the increased mortality may be that labor, unpleasant as it sometimes is for the mother, is beneficial to the baby in releasing hormones that promote healthy lung function. The physical compression of the baby during labor is also useful in removing fluid from the lungs and helping the baby prepare to breathe air.
The researchers suggest that other risks of Caesarean delivery, like possible cuts to the baby during the operation or delayed establishment of breast-feeding, may also contribute to the increased death rate.
The study included 5,762,037 live births and 11,897 infant deaths in the United States from 1998 through 2001, a sample large enough to draw statistically significant conclusions even though neonatal death is a rare event.
There were 311,927 Caesarean deliveries among low-risk women in the analysis.
The authors acknowledge that the study has certain limitations, including concerns about the accuracy of medical information reported on birth certificates.
That data is highly reliable for information like method of delivery and birth weight, but may underreport individual medical risk factors.
It is possible, though unlikely, that the Caesarean birth group was inherently at higher risk, the authors said.
Dr. Michael H. Malloy, a co-author of the article and a professor of pediatrics at the University of Texas Medical Branch at Galveston, said that doctors might want to consider these findings in advising their patients.
“Despite attempts to control for a number of factors that might have accounted for a greater risk in mortality associated with C-sections, we continued to observe enough risk to prompt concern,” he said.
“When obstetricians review this information, perhaps it will promote greater discussion within the obstetrical community about the pros and cons of offering C-sections for convenience and promote more research into understanding why this increased risk persists.”
I am feeling very negative. About everything. This month may have had a slight chance if I ovulated early – which I am apparently not going to do. 5 days between the sex and the ovulation means our chance is about nothing. (And I haven’t ovulated yet – so it could be even more than that.)
But my negativity is more than about just this month. I’m just really doubting my ability to even take care of a baby. I’m home alone for this week and next, and just trying to take care of the house and the pets is driving me insane. I swept the living room twice yesterday alone, and it still already needs another sweeping. There is no way it’s fit for a baby, and won’t unless we get rid of the dog who sheds bucketfulls 24/7. That same dog is really really trying my patience as well. He’s our “problem child.” And I feel like I have enough on my plate as it is. The other dog and the cat aren’t really too much trouble and would accept a baby without a problem (the cat would try to sleep in all the baby’s things, and the dog would freak out because of the scary crying creature, but it would be fine in the end). But the problem dog? Not so sure about. We’ve had the cat for over a year and he still can’t handle it. Chasing the cat all over, barking at him, growling… you name it. Not to mention the fact that he slams into my legs on a daily basis while being a dumbass and jumping around when he’s not supposed to. I just think, if we had a baby? Totally not safe.
And don’t even get me started on money. Our bank account saw numbers these past few weeks that we hope to never see again. My parents are still expecting us to visit for christmas, which is giving me little panic attacks – either way I’m screwed on that count. If we don’t go we save that money, but mom will be really pissed at me and as will her entire family. (My dad will understand, thankfully, and my brother never cares.) If we go I get to spend christmas with my family and make everyone happy, and we’ll come home to a completely empty bank account. We don’t really want to do that. And strange as it sounds, it’s my husband who’s pushing for us to go despite the expense – I think just because he doesn’t want to let anyone down. I’m thinking practicality here, and we really really cannot afford to lose that $1000. I love my family, I’d love to go visit them, but I have my own family and home to think about – and if we keep this up we are never going to have a home ready for children. I have a list a mile long of things I really want to get done before a baby arrives – and that includes non-negotiables, like a dishwasher and king-size bed.
Maybe I’m being totally unrealistic. Maybe every family is stressed out and broke. But I really wanted to have a stable home life and a comfortable home before a baby arrived, and to me that means room for a baby. (We have only two bedrooms, one is hubby’s office – so when the baby comes, where does hubby’s desk go?? I’m already taking up half the living room. There is NO MORE room in this house until we finish the basement or add on. And that both takes MONEY.) That means having a dog who doesn’t jump on me all the time, bark all the time, chase the cat around the house, steal food off counters.
I was actually feeling pretty good yesterday – I was cleaning, organizing, getting things done. I felt productive. But this are we effing crazy to want to add a baby to this already stressed-out mix? thought won’t get out of my head. I don’t believe in a god, so it’s really hard for me to believe in cosmic punishment or anything – but even so, a niggling thought in my head is saying that maybe the reason we aren’t pregnant yet is because we aren’t supposed to have one.
I just wanted to say that I’m feeling much better today. Productive. Organized. In control. The baby thing I’m just not thinking about much. It helps that Den’s so far away – no pressure this month. In a way it’s a bad thing, that’s probably what sparked the freak out yesterday – too much time to analyse and over-analyse everything. And maybe my obsessive cleaning streak today has something to do with it, an attempt to prove to myself that I CAN do this, that I can keep my home in order and clean and livable. I’m getting there. It still needs work though – and I’m not even touching the bedroom until hubby gets home. But in the shape the kitchen and living room is in? With a few minor adjustments (like a dishwasher) I could handle a baby in all of this. I’m still not sure about putting a baby on the floor, though. I may have to build some kind of platform – even a few inches off the ground is enough to keep the fur from drifting onto it. But then platform + baby = risk of falling. Sigh. Eh, I dunno. I honestly miss being able to lay on my own floors, yes indeed. Hopefully by then we’ll be in a position to get an area rug.
Anyways, I’m rambling. I’m feeling much better now. That was my point.
Yesterday in a bad-mood-induced-by-nothing I flopped in front of the couch and, finding nothing on normal TV, flipped through the OnDemand selections. I of course wandered over to the AlphaMom channel. I was a little bit disappointed by their shows, honestly. The “Selecting Baby Gear” episode was only on Graco products. Which is great, when you want to compare one Graco stroller to another, but what about all the other brands? I also was a little bit annoyed by the fact that the shows were centered around the Graco specialist showing off their stuff. What about user reviews? Moms talking about what they got? A little lacking, IMO.
But nonetheless, here are some notes.
We have found Den’s baby carrier – a Jeep. He likes it a lot, lol. I plan on getting a sling, myself… they just look far more comfortable for around the house. But it’ll be nice to have both. :)
I’m all into the baby gear stuff again. Den asked, “Don’t you ever get bored of looking up baby things?” ….. no. I just force myself not to do it all the time. It gets totally consuming.
I just wish we could, you know, get pregnant – so I could put all this knowledge to use.
After drooling over various baby “patterns” for a long time I have decided that it is absolutely rediculous to pay $250 for some sheets, a skirt, a bumper that can only be used for 2-3 months before becoming a strangulation hazard, and a blanket you can’t even use. Since I own a sewing machine and can sew myself costumes, the idea of sewing rectangle sheets is pretty darn easy. So I think that’s what I’m going to do.
Here’s the deal: I want to start sewing now to try to figure out how to make them. But, unfortunately, we currently do not know if a) we’ll be having a boy or a girl and b) if we’ll ever be having a baby in the next, say, 5 years. But other people have babies. So if you want me to make you some sheets and skirts? I can do that. Kills two birds with one stone, really. Just let me know.
(Just how many sheets do you need, anyways? At least a few, I would think, considering they can get spit up on and pooped and peed on.)
