I’ve been thinking a lot about Den’s SA coming up in only a few days. He made the appointment with his GP doctor, not an RE or urologist. The Dr is going to do a physical in addition to the SA, to check for any visible problems. But they didn’t give him any instructions or anything. We also don’t know when we’re going to get the results back.

A lot is going to hinge on these results. Of course we hope that they come back stellar or at least “perfectly normal,” but Den is pretty positive the results are going to be horrible, and I’m sitting on the fence and unwilling to bet one way or the other. I hope they’re good, but on the same token I fear they’ll be bad. Either way, at least we’ll know.

If the results are sub-par it’s definitely going to catapult our TTC journey into infertility land. Den will probably have to make some lifestyle changes, at the very least, and sub-par numbers will probably nudge us towards IUI sooner rather than later. If the results are really bad we might end up with IVF, but I’m not thinking about that right now. For some reason the step to IUI seems perfectly acceptable to me, but IVF involves a big needle and very strong drugs, and that makes me feel a little bit ill. That seems to be a very big step there.

We may very well end up paying the money for the SA ourselves, something we are not overly concerned about at this point. It should be less than $200. But then, if he gets a poor result, insurance will pay for IUI or IVF or whatever is needed – at least I’m pretty sure they will – because we will have a definitive reason for doing it. (I’ve taken a look at the infertility “request for coverage” forms they have – there’s both a spot for “how long have you been trying” and a “why is this medically necessary”, leading me to believe that one is as important as the other.)

It’s a little odd this month, knowing that we have really no chance of getting pregnant. Whever will I do with myself, if I can’t obsess? I am very good at obsessing. Kel says it might be a good thing to let my mind reset itself. ;) Either way I just feel a bit empty about the whole thing. I’ve seen a lot of babies and pregnancy lately, and I feel pleasantly happy about it all – and not depressed or angry or anything negative. Even being here with Kel and her baby, I feel all, How very cute, I’ll get to do all this in the future, and nothing more. No obsessive freak-outs or crying or depression. On one hand I’m relieved. But on the other it’s making me feel a little worried.

That figures, doesn’t it. My mind gives me a little break and all it does is serve to make me worry.