I am feeling very negative. About everything. This month may have had a slight chance if I ovulated early – which I am apparently not going to do. 5 days between the sex and the ovulation means our chance is about nothing. (And I haven’t ovulated yet – so it could be even more than that.)

But my negativity is more than about just this month. I’m just really doubting my ability to even take care of a baby. I’m home alone for this week and next, and just trying to take care of the house and the pets is driving me insane. I swept the living room twice yesterday alone, and it still already needs another sweeping. There is no way it’s fit for a baby, and won’t unless we get rid of the dog who sheds bucketfulls 24/7. That same dog is really really trying my patience as well. He’s our “problem child.” And I feel like I have enough on my plate as it is. The other dog and the cat aren’t really too much trouble and would accept a baby without a problem (the cat would try to sleep in all the baby’s things, and the dog would freak out because of the scary crying creature, but it would be fine in the end). But the problem dog? Not so sure about. We’ve had the cat for over a year and he still can’t handle it. Chasing the cat all over, barking at him, growling… you name it. Not to mention the fact that he slams into my legs on a daily basis while being a dumbass and jumping around when he’s not supposed to. I just think, if we had a baby? Totally not safe.

And don’t even get me started on money. Our bank account saw numbers these past few weeks that we hope to never see again. My parents are still expecting us to visit for christmas, which is giving me little panic attacks – either way I’m screwed on that count. If we don’t go we save that money, but mom will be really pissed at me and as will her entire family. (My dad will understand, thankfully, and my brother never cares.) If we go I get to spend christmas with my family and make everyone happy, and we’ll come home to a completely empty bank account. We don’t really want to do that. And strange as it sounds, it’s my husband who’s pushing for us to go despite the expense – I think just because he doesn’t want to let anyone down. I’m thinking practicality here, and we really really cannot afford to lose that $1000. I love my family, I’d love to go visit them, but I have my own family and home to think about – and if we keep this up we are never going to have a home ready for children. I have a list a mile long of things I really want to get done before a baby arrives – and that includes non-negotiables, like a dishwasher and king-size bed.

Maybe I’m being totally unrealistic. Maybe every family is stressed out and broke. But I really wanted to have a stable home life and a comfortable home before a baby arrived, and to me that means room for a baby. (We have only two bedrooms, one is hubby’s office – so when the baby comes, where does hubby’s desk go?? I’m already taking up half the living room. There is NO MORE room in this house until we finish the basement or add on. And that both takes MONEY.) That means having a dog who doesn’t jump on me all the time, bark all the time, chase the cat around the house, steal food off counters.

I was actually feeling pretty good yesterday – I was cleaning, organizing, getting things done. I felt productive. But this are we effing crazy to want to add a baby to this already stressed-out mix? thought won’t get out of my head. I don’t believe in a god, so it’s really hard for me to believe in cosmic punishment or anything – but even so, a niggling thought in my head is saying that maybe the reason we aren’t pregnant yet is because we aren’t supposed to have one.