Was looking at my calendar when I realized that DCon, our yearly labor-day weekend vacation, is only a month away. I’m on my period currently. Which means… oh yes. If my period comes next month, it’ll be just in time for vacation! Won’t that be fun. But, at least if it does come it’ll come beforehand and I’ll know whether or not I can get drunk with everyone at the parties, right? Yeah that’s me, always trying to find a positive viewpoint. (And you thought I didn’t have it in me.) You can probably guess which I’d prefer.

As you can see on the right I joined a blog listing of TTC/Pregnant/Moms. I’m enjoying going around and peeking in on different blogs.

But I realize, as I do that, that I’m in a weird kind of in-between. I notice that the TTC blogs are all infertility blogs – women who have been struggling for a year, two years, ten years. We’re not technically classified as infertile yet, as we haven’t hit the 1 year mark. And it made me wonder why I’m the only one writing about TTC before the year is up. It’s not like at one year you suddenly start feeling the pain (though I’m sure that finally getting classified as one is hard to grapple with). I’m willing to bet it’s due to two factors: one, the ones who aren’t yet at that point either hit that point, or get pregnant; and two, most women who are TTC for less than a year don’t invest too much into it. Now I know the latter isn’t really true, because I’m on forums where people are heavily invested. But I guess I’m one of the few blog addicts. ;)

For now I guess we just hope, and read, and hope some more. Let us be one of the ones who don’t make it to a year.

Den’s SA is finally booked, September 8th at 8:30am. Bah, I hate waiting. (As if you didn’t know that.)

I am struggling quite a bit right now. I feel so many things at once: fear, desperation, hope, pain, need, joy. I swing between feeling really bad and really good pretty easily. On one hand I’m absolutely crushed that another month has shown to be completely ineffective, and with every month I worry a little more than it’s not just bad luck. But on the other hand I think about baby Eric and baby Evie and I just think, when this does work, how amazing is it going to be.

Strangely enough, I take comfort in this blog. Not only is it one place where I can really let it out, where I can keep track of all the messy stuff that people probably don’t want to know about, but it gives me an identity. Let me explain that. One of the “markers” of being pregnant, to me, is to finally get to put up a pregnancy ticker and change this over to a pregnancy blog. So when I’m reading baby blogs and pregnancy blogs I get all tight inside and kind of weepy, in that “I wish that were me” kind of way. But then I come back here and I look over my own blog, and I take comfort in it. I love my layout, so it’s kind of comforting to look at it every now and again – that sheep always makes me smile. I guess overall it ties into my need for order in the world. Keeping a blog lets me categorize and archive and list and everything to my heart’s content. So when I have nothing else but despair… at least I can reorganize some links, right?

I looked at my “cycle planner” today, something I rarely do. It forecasts the next six cycles. Our one-year date is November 13. There are nearly 4 more cycles until then. 4 more cycles to win the lottery before going for help. That seems both very close and very far away, when you think about it. On one hand, I’m only 3/4 the way through the first year of TTC. But on the other hand, we’ve had 9 failed cycles, and it’s very frustrating to have to wait through another 4 before getting some answers.

We are still planning to the sperm analysis, though. I forgot to ask Den if he made the appointment yet.

OMG, I feel like absolute crap today. I was at work for a few hours, and there was a while there I was desperately waiting for a moment to excuse myself for a bit, because I felt SO ill. My stomach is very very upset, I had some painful cramps, I have gas, bloating, diarrhia, nausea… you name it, I got it. This sucks so bad. I was taking one midol every few hours overnight, and at work I took a bunch of advil. Yuck. I hope this goes away soon.

(Cross-posted from forum)

13dpo around dinnertime I noticed a heavy crampy feeling in my lower abs. My heart sank. Never a good sign.

Sure enough, 10pm, went to the bathroom and I’ve started red flow.

I’m just SO depressed. What the hell is wrong with us?? 9 perfect cycles, 9 BFNs. I’m 23! I have perfect, 28 day cycles (other than one where O was delayed because of a cold). I have a predictable LP of 13. My TSH level is normal. My weight is healthy – too high for what I would like it, but perfectly healthy all the same. And I can’t seem to make a baby?!

I never thought I would be wanting a baby so freaking bad, and be shot down every time.

DH is making his SA appointment tomorrow. We’re probably going to have to pay for it… but that’s okay. At this point we’d just love some answers. I’m going to wait until 12 months is up before seeing an RE for invasive testing, but that’s not looking all that far away.

My best friend is in the hospital having a baby as I type, and I’m so incredibly happy and excited for her… and at the same time I’m so sad too, because everyone else around me seems to get pregnant without a problem, they’re having babies, complaining about back aches and and nausea, and here I am, to the point of not drinking alchohol, eating all organic – anything to convince my body to function and give me an implanted eggie.

God this sucks so much.

Told you.

I really don’t think I have to take a test tomorrow… I’m getting cramps. Sigh. Fuck.

I tested. I shouldn’t have. :mad: BFN.

Sucky. This morning I’m 11dpo. I don’t know if I should test or not. I’m laying in bed on the laptop, avoiding peeing (this is not easy), while I try to figure out what to do. Den wants me to wait, he’s a lot more tired than I am of seeing negatives. But I’m still of the opinion that I want to know as soon as possible… if I’m pregnant I want to know NOW.

Argh, so what do I do?