Well it worked, so we’re covered. ;) Whew. I’m expecting ovulation tomorrow or tuesday. Then it’s waiting… again. (I mean, really, other than bleeding and making sure I have sex with my husband, what else is there?)

Timing is not going well this month. We’ve never had this problem before, but with me now working we’re finding it hard to dredge up the energy to have sex. It’s mostly me – I’ve been SO tired in the evening by the time we get home that I’m falling right to sleep before he gets to bed. We tried morning nookie, but that didn’t work out either. So today we have a “date” – and if that doesn’t happen, we’re sunk this month! I’m already cd13.

I took a quiz in Body+Soul magazine the other night, in an article about acne. It pegged me as a “hormonal acne” sufferer. Which makes sense, since all this acne I have happened since I went off the pill – I mean, I’ve always dealt with acne, but I feel like my face exploded. I currently have a big one to the right of my nose, two more popped up the same day on my left cheek, and a big sore one behind my left ear! All in the last two days. :( Waahhh.

Measurements for today, since Den said I’m looking trimmer (measurements don’t weigh that out):
Waist: 28.5″
Hips: 40.25″

Edit: Den says I’ve been measuring this all wrong and that my actual measurement is 34″. I don’t want to hear that.

Edit2: I looked it up online. “Measure mid-way between the top of your hip bone and the bottom of the rib cage.” Another site: “As a rough guide, your waist is the narrowest part of your trunk, or approximately 1 inch above your belly button.” Which is exactly what I was doing. Den was measuring overtop of the top of my hip bone. So there!

Den came to bed cranky tonight. I was on the laptop in bed, just surfing. When he layed down beside me I picked up the laptop and showed him some baby pictures I was looking at (ie, squealing over). He looked at them blankly. When I pulled the laptop back he said, “Let me see again.” I showed him, waiting for a comment. Flatly he said, “Nope… still not mine.” And then he rolled over to go to sleep.

:( Sometimes I think he takes this ride harder than I do. He just internalizes it.

At the cat shelter where I work we have some old, sickly cats that get special food and medicines. One of the cats gets a jar of chicken-flavored baby food every day.

Let me tell you, I will never feed my kid that except under the threat of death, and even then I’d have to seriously think about it first. It’s all I can do to only gag and not toss my cookies right into the sink.

Pureed chicken in a jar. Not a good thing.

I was talking with Den last night about this and that, and his trip to Hawaii came up. Business trip. I had a chance to go with him, but that would mean paying for my flight, as well as someone to watch the dogs for two weeks. Which are both way out of our affordable range. Just the flight itself is more than we can afford to pay right now. So we decided I’d stay home with the dogs, and he’d go off and do the conference thing, and I’d try not to die of jealousy. Though, I’ve been to Hawaii multiple times before, so I can’t get too jealous. ;)

Well last night this came up again and I said, “Shit. Shit!!” He leaves on September 9th, the saturday after labor day weekend. My brain had clued in and started thinking, I am supposed to get my period only days before labor day weekend vacation… which means… I ovulate two weeks later… while he’s away. September 12th, to be exact. So I started cursing and Den didn’t understand why. I explained it to him. There was silence. “Come with me?!” Still not an option, for previously mentioned reasons.

So I guess we hope that the sperm are super-sperm and manage to live inside me for several days until I ovulate. And hope I ovulate early. Or, we can just hope that I get pregnant in August so that ovulation in September is besides the point. Because I would be so seriously pissed off to miss an entire month.

Another person on another forum (thankfully not someone I know very well at all) posted that they’re pregnant. I’ve definitely reached the stage where, instead of thinking, “BABIES! YAY!!” I wince and immediately think, “Why them, and not me?” This journey just gets harder and harder.

From The Mother of All Pregnancy Books:

Someone posted this to give us hope, but it’s making me sadder instead. Why are we one of the statistical anomolies? (I almost wrote “why am I”, but there’s two of us in this, two bodies contributing that may have unknown problems.) Granted, okay, average is the balance between the small and the large numbers – with all the people my age who are getting pregnant in 3 months or less, there’s got to be some who take longer than 5 months in order for the numbers to balance. Maybe I’m one of those. But those probabilities make me think that if we aren’t conceiving still, that something’s more than likely wrong. And that worries me. I dont like not knowing. Den told me yesterday that I’ll feel better after his SA is done – at least then we’ll know. He even said he might feel better if they DO find something wrong, because then we can start fixing it instead of just sitting around wondering.

But I have to be careful with him, he takes this very personally – what man doesn’t? He’s sure at this point that he has no sperm, his men are broken, there’s something horribly wrong with him, etc etc. So I really try to be positive and sensitive. I told him all about how there are lots of minor problems that can be easily fixed (like a simple surgery to fix a veriocele) or gotten around (like IUI to address low sperm count). I try to emphasise that it’s very rare that men have a huge, unfixable problem.

Sometimes I wonder how he feels about me posting the details about his equipment all over the internet. Then I think, he knows this blog is here, he just chooses not to read it; and what he doesn’t know can’t hurt him. He knows how I am. He has yet to throw a fit. I also haven’t specifically mentioned that I’ve posted the date of his SA and will be posting all the results. We’ll deal with that when we come to it, right? ;)

One other thing – I feel a smidge of guilt, but I am hoping, praying (well if I was religious I’d pray) that IF something is wrong with us, that it be something simple, or it be with HIM. I know the odds are not in my favor on that one. But I am really, really going to have to seriously evaluate everything if we get to the point of needing a lap or any kind of surgery. Because I am terrified. The thought of someone cutting me open, in any way, shape or form, makes me feel a little queasy and a lot panicked. I feel the same about a c-section, but at least at that point I’d be wanting the baby out and have more concern for him/her than me. But for anything else I don’t have that luxury. So please, please, let this fix itself. Let me get pregnant on my own.

I don’t know why I torture myself, but I do.

I love the colors on this pnp, and it even has the higher level changing table! I also like the other pattern available, “Renaissance,” though I think I like “Moonstruck” more – and there’s a highchair available in it too! (Because, you know, things must match.) The stroller set is a Quattro Tour, though, which is more heavyweight than I want (I am looking for a LiteRider) – but I think it’s not as important that the stroller match. Let’s hope they’re still around by the time we get to buy one.

I’m going to post this here.

Some men really tick me off. And I don’t mean in the “you forgot to do the dishes” kind of way that husbands can annoy you – I mean in the completely rude, completely uncalled for kind of way.

Just yesterday I read an article written about “what not to say to a TTCer” – I can’t remember which blog it was at, though, but if I find it I’ll post a link. One of the items was not to say anything rude/lewd. Now one would think that this would be rather a given, but I have actually had at least one male friend “jokingly” say, “Well if you need me to step in and do the job…” Excuse me? My head almost exploded. Why is it that some men have absolutely no freaking clue that some jokes aren’t funny? At all. I feel very lucky that I married an older guy who seems to “get” it – he doesn’t make lewd jokes about other womens’ breasts at all, much less to their face (yes, I’ve gotten that too – and not just about my breasts). Actually Den tends to get very embarassed by other guys doing stupid, insensitive, macho type things. (And I love him for it.) But what on earth are those men thinking??

I am not feeling very well today, and I think I’m creeping towards an anxiety attack. :( No reason that I can tell, either… I just have been feeling “off.” I opened the shade in the bedroom to let some natural light in, but the sun is setting and it’s only helping a little bit. I’ve been up and about, I ate, I talked with Den, I’ve played with the dogs… but every time I sit still for a few minutes that anxiety keeps creeping back up. Damnit. :(