I am struggling quite a bit right now. I feel so many things at once: fear, desperation, hope, pain, need, joy. I swing between feeling really bad and really good pretty easily. On one hand I’m absolutely crushed that another month has shown to be completely ineffective, and with every month I worry a little more than it’s not just bad luck. But on the other hand I think about baby Eric and baby Evie and I just think, when this does work, how amazing is it going to be.

Strangely enough, I take comfort in this blog. Not only is it one place where I can really let it out, where I can keep track of all the messy stuff that people probably don’t want to know about, but it gives me an identity. Let me explain that. One of the “markers” of being pregnant, to me, is to finally get to put up a pregnancy ticker and change this over to a pregnancy blog. So when I’m reading baby blogs and pregnancy blogs I get all tight inside and kind of weepy, in that “I wish that were me” kind of way. But then I come back here and I look over my own blog, and I take comfort in it. I love my layout, so it’s kind of comforting to look at it every now and again – that sheep always makes me smile. I guess overall it ties into my need for order in the world. Keeping a blog lets me categorize and archive and list and everything to my heart’s content. So when I have nothing else but despair… at least I can reorganize some links, right?

I looked at my “cycle planner” today, something I rarely do. It forecasts the next six cycles. Our one-year date is November 13. There are nearly 4 more cycles until then. 4 more cycles to win the lottery before going for help. That seems both very close and very far away, when you think about it. On one hand, I’m only 3/4 the way through the first year of TTC. But on the other hand, we’ve had 9 failed cycles, and it’s very frustrating to have to wait through another 4 before getting some answers.

We are still planning to the sperm analysis, though. I forgot to ask Den if he made the appointment yet.