Today while getting everything “out in the open” the circumcision topic was brought up again (by me, as usual). Den is very very firmly convinced the circumcision is the ONLY option for a baby boy, that it would be – in his words – “gross” if the baby wasn’t circ’d. So tonight while awake and completely bored I poked around the Mothering forum on Circumcision. Oh my god, I feel ill. I could never, will never, do that to my son. I just don’t understand it at all.

Hopefully reading some of those things will convince Den. In a normal situation I think reading anything like that would completely freak him out – but he really feels very strongly about this so I know he will have issues. I read the most disturbing story about a woman whose husband totally freaked out when she tried telling him exactly what circumcision was…. because if he admitted that it was better not to circumcise his son, it would mean admitting that his own penis was lacking and that idea was so horrifying to him.

It all just really chilled me. I’m really hoping we get a little baby girl so we can avoid all of this!

But you know, other than the circ issue, I have really warmed up to the idea of having a baby boy. Seeing others’ baby boys reminds me of when my brother was young and it just makes my heart melt. My brother was the most adorable little kid, he really was. Yeah, I think I could deal very well with a baby boy. :) (But of course I will still secretly hope for a girl. ;) )

Does anyone know a forum for people with depression, or TTC/parent blogs of those who deal with depression? Right now I could really use some support from others who *know* what it’s like – and I’d really love to see how other people deal with life.

Sometimes I worry about my ability to care for a child. Or even get through pregnancy. That’s why I did a lot of research up-front about my medications and pregnancy, because I really honestly need the medications. I’m on the medications, and I still struggle a lot… I still have very bad days. Today is a better day, but even so, my chest feels tight, my thoughts are racing.

I have made the decision to seek a psychologist. It’s been years since I’ve seen anyone about it besides my general doctor, the medications and my own introspection was doing okay. But now… now I’m settled in my new life, my new marriage… my new insurance policy. And I seem to be getting a little bit worse. I don’t really want to increase my medication dosage, but I realize that I need some extra help getting through this. Maybe it’s all the stress from TTC that’s making it worse, who knows. Maybe it’s simply circumstance.

Oh, plus – today I found out from my dad that depression (and possibly anxiety) runs in his side of the family. There are at least 4 others who have clinical depression. Makes me feel a little less of a freak. But, as Den pointed out, that ups our children’s chances at getting it too.

A few people, who have heard the long story about the shit that’s going on, have suggested that we put off having a baby until we figure the problems out, since the problems ARE affecting the marriage to a degree (arguing about how to handle things, etc). But deep inside I rebel against that idea. We ARE working on the issues, working through things, working on improving our communication so we can actually solve the problems rather than fight about it – but I don’t want to put our life on hold for it. (And while these people have read about some of the problems we’re having, they obviously do not know the full story, they don’t know more than what I write in one thread. So I don’t feel right making decisions based on their opinions alone.)

However I am not sure I would want to go ahead with infertility treatments right now either. Diagnostics, absolutely – I want to KNOW what’s wrong. But I would have to think long and hard before committing to expensive, emotional treatments.

Right now it’s not the time for making decisions, anyways. SA tomorrow morning. We need the facts before making decisions.

PS – DH is going nuts. He comes home from being away for 2 weeks, and we can’t have sex for two days. Not only that, but he can’t even, ummm, well do anything. He needs to save those little men. The poor guy. He’ll be so happy tomorrow.

At this time tomorrow, Den will be home. Woo hoo!

And then shit happens and I’m considering throwing in the towel – or at least postponing it for a while. DH and I are going to have a long talk when he gets home. At the very least I’m not so sure I want to pursue any kind of infertility treatments when we hit one year. I’m thinking maybe we were given this time to sort things out, and we need to SOLVE the problem, not just push it aside and hope it goes away.

(I don’t feel like going into specifics here. But I’ll say that the problem is not with the marriage. It’s just family/circumstance issues that will deeply impact our kids.)

It’s funny, I have never, ever been a religious person. And I’m not going to start believing in a god. But… but I’m really starting to understand why people look for meaning in things. Why people look for reasons and explanations.

Den’s doctor called him today. He can get his SA any day next week, he just has to show up at the lab between 7 and 9am. Den sounded confused as he was telling me this – I guess the last time he’d talked to his doctor, the doctor had made it sound like he could pick up the cup thing there and then just deliver the sample to the lab. I had doubts about that myself, just because of how far the lab is from our house. So he’ll have to go in to do it. I tried explaining that I could go with him if he wanted, and he didn’t know how he felt about that idea. I think the idea of husband and wife going into a little room with a sample cup makes him all wiggy, lol! He said, “But… they let people do that?” I love my husband. ;)

But he plans to go in Monday morning. The sooner the better, in our opinions. It will be so nice to get this done with, even if we do end up having to pay for it. (Which I think we will.)

I had been trying for a few weeks to turn off registration-required commenting but couldn’t find it – well I found it. So hopefully now you can comment without registering. :)

After drooling over various baby “patterns” for a long time I have decided that it is absolutely rediculous to pay $250 for some sheets, a skirt, a bumper that can only be used for 2-3 months before becoming a strangulation hazard, and a blanket you can’t even use. Since I own a sewing machine and can sew myself costumes, the idea of sewing rectangle sheets is pretty darn easy. So I think that’s what I’m going to do.

Here’s the deal: I want to start sewing now to try to figure out how to make them. But, unfortunately, we currently do not know if a) we’ll be having a boy or a girl and b) if we’ll ever be having a baby in the next, say, 5 years. But other people have babies. So if you want me to make you some sheets and skirts? I can do that. Kills two birds with one stone, really. Just let me know.

(Just how many sheets do you need, anyways? At least a few, I would think, considering they can get spit up on and pooped and peed on.)

We have found Den’s baby carrier – a Jeep. He likes it a lot, lol. I plan on getting a sling, myself… they just look far more comfortable for around the house. But it’ll be nice to have both. :)

I’m all into the baby gear stuff again. Den asked, “Don’t you ever get bored of looking up baby things?” ….. no. I just force myself not to do it all the time. It gets totally consuming.

I just wish we could, you know, get pregnant – so I could put all this knowledge to use.

Yesterday in a bad-mood-induced-by-nothing I flopped in front of the couch and, finding nothing on normal TV, flipped through the OnDemand selections. I of course wandered over to the AlphaMom channel. I was a little bit disappointed by their shows, honestly. The “Selecting Baby Gear” episode was only on Graco products. Which is great, when you want to compare one Graco stroller to another, but what about all the other brands? I also was a little bit annoyed by the fact that the shows were centered around the Graco specialist showing off their stuff. What about user reviews? Moms talking about what they got? A little lacking, IMO.

But nonetheless, here are some notes.

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