I think it’s time I talked a little bit about Fertility Friend. I am no longer a member there. I am continuing to chart using their free software but I most certainly will not be handing them any more money to stay in their little “community”.

Things have been getting progressively worse over there in terms of censorship. I never had a problem with them until recently when they started deleting PMs that people were sending to each other and warning people. And then banning people. Why? Because people were trading email addresses. Yes, this is the big transgression that is causing them to BAN people from their forum – giving out your email address.

Not only are they disallowing any form of information sharing (I was warned for giving someone my MSN handle to chat with them), but any mention of a banned person – even letting other friends know that they are banned – is immediately deleted and the person “warned” or banned. Also any mention of these new “rules” and any (and I mean any) hint of disatisfaction with these rules results in the immediate deletion of the thread/PM and the person being told to not mention it again or leave and not come back.

The rules have been changed as we go. In December I traded home addresses with some friends of mine there in order to do a card exchange and there was not a word about it from the moderators. That is obviously not a case anymore. They are monitoring private messages and are catching pretty much any message that has anything remotely similar to something in their “banned words” list (words like “contact me” “email” “hotmail” “message”, as well as all the names of people who are banned. One message was deleted because it referenced a banned person’s cat. I mean seriously, wtf?). I personally know over 10 people who have been banned for trying to contact friends and let them know why they’ve disappeared. FF does NOT want anyone to keep in contact outside of their site which is completely rediculous.

The worst part is that because of the strict bans they have and all the deleting and banning a bunch of people have no idea what’s going on. They notice friends are missing, but they have no clue why, no clue what’s going on behind the scenes, and no way to find out either. No way to get in contact with friends that they have known potentially for months, even a year or two. Your friend just up and disappears and no one is allowed to mention a damn thing. I hope the word gets out, I hope friends can find each other again.

Their rules are basically “sit down, shut up, follow the rules, don’t talk to each other except within our defined channels, don’t mention anything in our disallowed topics list, and never complain about it.” What the hell kind of dictatorship have they become?

So there are a whole bunch of us who have moved to a new site to try to keep in touch with the people they’ve made friends with (www.loungeplace.com, a site that doesn’t try to control who you are friends with and how you maintain that friendship). I am absolutely not sticking around a forum that censors so heavily and tries to maintain a steel grip on their members. That’s not how I work. And I’m very disappointed in the administrators there for allowing this to happen. Whatever they think they are doing they need to take a hard look at themselves.

I am feeling pretty crappy physically. I knew I shouldn’t have eaten dinner tonight. Ugh.

AF still is NOT here yet. I never thought I’d be irritated with AF staying away, but I am. I am still spotting, I know it’s on its way. I know I’m not pregnant. I want it to stop fucking around and just come already.

This is a little off-topic, but I’m feeling frustrated.

I am not feeling good tonight. This afternoon/evening I was feeling great, even a little perky. Then it moved into night time and I fell apart. And it has nothing to do with impending AF or infertility (that I know of) – at least, that’s not the thoughts that are in my head at all. I’m just getting very upset at, umm, everything. I tried venting a little to Den but he started arguing with me instead of just offering sympathy (why do men feel like they have to talk logically about everything all the time? I don’t want a freaking discussion about what is RIGHT – I just want some hugs because I’m feeling upset, even if it is illogical!), then I started crying because he just wasn’t getting it at all, and now I’m laying here feeling not happy. Plus my dinner is not sitting well with me… I tried a new recipe and about halfway through eating I started feeling very badly. Even now, 7 hours later, if I think about chicken I start feeling like I’m going to throw up. Stupid damn nausea. (Yes this happens with me sometimes. It’s like I’m pregnant 365 days a year, I can have strong reactions to food.)

Part of the reason Den and I were arguing was I was talking about the athiest blogs I had been reading and some of the weird things religious people come up with. I guess we got off on some tangents and I mentioned a few of my pet peeves and Den kept asking, “Why does it bother you? It’s just a word. It’s meaningless.” And it frustrated me so bad! Yes, in many ways words are just meaningless. However it’s the thought, the belief, the opinions behind the word that upset me. And Den just simply cannot manage to validate my feelings over it. I don’t give a shit if he disagrees with me – I just want him to respect the fact that I do have feelings! Not shrug them off as something “silly for getting upset over.”

For the record – we were arguing about whether or not “God save our land” should be in the Canadian anthem. I firmly believe that religion ought not to be a part of any official government-related business, thus God should not be in the national anthem. Den’s of the opinion of “What does it matter? It’s always been that way.” An attitude that annoys me in the best of times. “Because that’s how it is,” has never been an acceptable answer to me. My dear husband is so very non-confrontational that he just doesn’t like to take sides and thus doesn’t care for change because it creates conflict. He can be extremely irritating to talk to, since I have my pet causes and get all riled up about them! He just wishes I wouldn’t get so worked up.

For the record: I have never been religious. I was raised without any basis in religion, other than the fact that other people went to church and believed in different various things. My dad liked to talk about space stations and supernovas and the possibility of life on other planets. Religion – or any form of gods – never entered into the equation. Denis on the other hand was actually raised Catholic – but loosely. His grandmother is still strongly Catholic, his mother not so much. Den went to Catholic school for several years because it was the only private school option in the area and his mother wanted him out of the public school he was in. Over the years Den drifted I guess… I get the feeling he never really bought in in the first place. He’s pretty much agnostic.

You would think that an athiest and an agnostic wouldn’t be at odds over anything religious. Snort.

Maybe I’m just PMSing.

I do feel a little lighter today. Even though AF is right around the corner (still not here yet, but still spotting) I am not upset about it. I am looking forward – and knowing that for the next several months we don’t have to worry about any of it. It’s kind of a relief.

Anyways I’m blog surfing and came across Surviving My Loss and her parenting philosophies. I thought I’d write a little bit about mine.

Sleeping – my thoughts on this have changed over the past year and a bit. Initially I always figured the baby would be in a crib in the baby’s room. I was a little puzzled at Den’s insistence that we have the baby in our room. But after thinking about it for so long I’ve come to agree with him. I really doubt we’ll have the baby sleep in our bed due to the dogs (and the fact that my husband is a heavy sleeper and likes to spread out). He wants a co-sleeper. I just want the baby close by.

Feeding – Breastfeeding, absolutely, unless something really prevents that. I even feel so strongly that I’d go off my meds if it turns out the celexa will affect the baby through my breastmilk, but we’ll see how that goes.

Diapers – I’ve always just assumed I’d do disposable diapers, but recently the idea of doing cloth diapers and being eco-concious really appeals to me. However, we’d have to get a diaper service because there’s no way I’m washing diapers on top of everything else I can’t keep up with. (Den feels fine with either decision.)

Circumcision – I’ve mentioned this one before – I feel VERY strongly against it. However my husband is the opposite. I am really really not looking forward to the explosive arguments that will ensue.

Vaccines – My thoughts are very similar to how I feel about vaccines with my pets: Some vaccines are very good things. Some seem to have more side-effects than they have benefits. So I really doubt I’ll be following the typical schedule, and I won’t be giving 6 vaccines at once to my young child. Probably a delayed vacc schedule with some vaccines not given.

Baby wearing – Absolutely! Den and I both look forward to that. :D

SAH v. WHO – Stay at home. I’ve always wanted to be home with my kids. I may or may not continue working part-time at the cat shelter after the baby’s born… I have a feeling I may need some breaks! And since it’s flexible I can arrange to go in on weekends when Den’s home or such.

TV – I have no big objections to it. I tend to zone out to TV way too often myself. I think Baby Einstein stuff looks really good for babies! However, no Barney will be allowed in my house.

This morning I took my temp, which has nosedived below my coverline already. AF’s on her way, the question now is today or tomorrow? Today would be early. I’m betting on late tonight/tomorrow morning. Though when I went to the bathroom I had some spotting going on. But it doesn’t “feel” like it’s ready to start just yet.

I called the nurses today. I explained about the timing of the lap and that we were going to be doing a clomid/IUI cycle. I believe her words were something similar to: “Oh dear. That’s not good.” I’m really glad I checked on that.

At first she just said she was going to ask my doctor if she wants me on birth control or not (though I need to find out soon since I expect my period on wednesday). She called back a little while later to tell me that she counted the days out and realized that they wouldn’t know if I was pregnant or not at the lap so that they definitely don’t want me doing the clomid/IUI next cycle. She’s still going to wait to see what the Dr says about wanting me on birth control or not.

There was no mention of re-scheduling the lap, of course I didn’t bring it up. I still feel like it’s silly and obtrusive to reschedule a surgery because the timing of everything isn’t exactly what I wanted.

But that doesn’t mean I was immediately okay. I called Den to let him know about the change in plans and I almost started crying. He talked me down calmly, saying maybe it’s a good thing that we’re having a break forced on us. We both feel like the clomid isn’t working anyways – I wanted to do another IUI just for closure and as a last-ditch effort, but I certainly didn’t have any belief that it would get me pregnant.

Plus, even more worrisome, is that my moods have been getting increasingly worse. Three months on clomid back to back. First cycle I didn’t notice a thing. Even second. But this one has been a hellish ride. I know it’s hard to decipher things for me, since my depression works in mysterious ways anyways – I never know if a bad mood is just a bad mood or my depression coming through or now the clomid. I do know that several people on a forum said they were told by their doctors that if they had depression they were NOT to take clomid. Now my RE never said anything like that to me, and it’s very clear in my chart that I have depression, but I know different doctors have different beliefs and protocols. In any case, even Den is telling me now that I’ve been extremely edgy and tempermental lately. So perhaps it is best that we do no more clomid.

Now I really wish we could do a cycle of injects and IUI. But with the money we’d have to pay for that and the “return on investment”… Den doesn’t feel that it’s worth it and would rather put his (my!) eggs in the IVF basket. I’m inclined to agree.

So, it appears that we are on a three-month break, one month of which we will be actively avoiding. But I’ll get the lap done and hopefully get some answers one way or another. I can’t say I’ll be happy if I have endo, but at least I’d know, at least I’d have a reason for all of this. I think I’d prefer that to the having no explanation.

IVF starting in May. We have our IVF overview class coming up on the 21st. (I think I forgot to mention that here – I booked us for a class.)

PS – I have not tested. I’m apparently 12dpo today. I have no inclination to test, that’s how sure I am that I have no chance. I expect my period on valentine’s day – but I wouldn’t be surprized to see it late by a few days due to the clomid.

Yeah, I’m definitely going to have to call the nurses and double-check about the timing of the lap. I spoke with several girls who had laps and they were told to abstain the cycle of their lap, that they could NOT have their lap during the 2ww of a medicated cycle. Now I could be extremely lucky and have everything arrive early this cycle and next and have AF just in time for the lap (or at least be far enough into my cycle next month that they can have a definitive beta before my surgery), however if AF is late this cycle…

So, either way, I have to call and just double-check with them. I was kind of hoping to do the lap the cycle after, which I was already planning to be a break cycle, so I wouldn’t be at all upset to get the lap rescheduled to avoid conflicts here with timing. (I am loathe to take next cycle off, however for reasons of my own timing. I’m thinking that if they refuse to reschedule the lap AND they tell me I cannot do the medicated cycle because of it, that I will not be doing another IUI… we’d just wait until May to start IVF. Or at least that’s what my current thought is. Light knows how much things change recently.)

My laparoscopy is scheduled for March 13 at 1:00pm. I have to go in on March 2 at 11:00am for a pre-op consult or something.

March 13. That’s sooner than I expected. Eeep. Now that the appointment is made… can I start panicking now? (Just a little freaked out about the idea of going in for surgery. Even if it is an out-patient surgery.)

Also – I’m guessing it doesn’t matter what time of your cycle you go in to have this done? If it’s during your 2ww is that dangerous? Based on my projected dates I’m due to get AF the day after the surgery – course the dates can definitely slide several days either direction depending on what the clomid makes my LP do this month and next. But still. Is that bad?

Eeeeep.

I’ve been so wracked with anxiety lately. I mean I understand and accept that the new information from the last RE appointment had me in bit of a spin, but it hasn’t really gone away. Improved? Yes, absolutely. But I still feel general anxiety… and it’s not about IF. It’s just general anxiety about everything. This is not normal – unless I forget to take my meds, but I’ve been taking them faithfully (because of the anxiety!). Today I still feel jittery. Nervous, but about what? Also feeling very insecure, and I really don’t like that feeling.

I’ve been having twinges/minor main in my left ovary for a few days now. I’m really hoping that does NOT indicat a cyst. If it continues I’ll have to call the nurses and ask them about it. (Otherwise they won’t give me an U/S before starting my next cycle of clomid, and I know how bad that can be.)

A friend of mine in some forums, she got pregnant with her second child… pregnant again after a miscarriage. It was a good thing. :) She is/was 7 weeks and started bleeding. A lot. She said she passed a huge clot or two. Everyone was so upset for her… it’s just not fair for one person to have to go through that much pain, you know? So yesterday she had her blood drawn to confirm her hcg levels were dropping appropriately.

They had doubled.

She scheduled an U/S and went to check… and they saw a very live baby measuring right on track, heart beating away.

Let it be known… miracles DO exist.

(She thinks she was pregnant with twins and lost one of them… but the doctor’s can’t confirm that one way or the other.)

Update: I am very sorry to have to edit this to say that at the next ultrasound it was discovered that the baby’s heart had stopped beating.