I don’t think I mentioned – my AF was a full 2 days long this month. 2 days. And one day of spotting. Then… gone. I was all expecting to get hit with a second round, but nope, nothing. Ummm, okay.

I have a headache tonight, which is making any type of thinking difficult. And this time I can’t really blame my hormones right? Or maybe I can. Who knows what birth control does.

Den and I talked some more. He’s still really really freaked out about the fact that we have only a 50% chance of getting pregnant. Usually I’m the one freaking out, so I’m not really sure how to handle it except to reassure him that 50% is a GREAT number. He kept saying how he could flip a coin 10 times and get 8 tails.

We have come to an agreement (and shook on it!) that we’ll transfer two 3-day embryos or one blast. For our first IVF… if that fails, then we’ll do two blasts the next time. He apparently thought I meant I only wanted to transfer one no matter what stage they’re at, no matter what, so I think he was a little relieved. Not entirely happy, but relieved.

He also talked a lot about twins and how we’d handle that and what that would mean for us. I’m really a little surprized at how enthusiastic he is about the idea now. Plus he kept saying that if we got two of the same with twins I’ll want to try again – whereas if I go through two pregnancies and get two of the same I’ll probably be less likely to try again. He is VERY stuck on the idea of having a boy. I think he may cry if we get a girl. It’s frustrating me. And it’s not that he doesn’t want a girl – he wants one of each – he just really wants at least one boy and to him a girl first means it’s even more likely he’ll never get a boy. I don’t know, what can I say, it’s thinking from his man-brain.

I’m just not sure how to handle this reversal in roles. I am feeling very optimistic, pretty relaxed, looking forward to starting. He’s the one freaking out that we may never have a child. I like to think it’s because I have a better grasp of the numbers, but I fear the truth may simply be that we’re looking at different sides of the same coin. I just keep reiterating that more than likely we haven’t really had a decent chance with the clomid/IUI, and that IVF totally changes the game for us.

I’m just really looking forward to getting started. I haven’t made the appointment with the doctor yet though, got busy today and forgot. Tomorrow, tomorrow. I was thinking though… our insurance makes us pay a $30 co-pay each doctor visit. So I can pretty much assume that I’ll be paying $30 for every ultrasound throughout the IVF cycle. IUI, one ultrasound, not a big deal. But that’s another $200 or so that I hadn’t counted on.

This headache is making is so difficult to concentrate.

Okay I have a ton of notes from the IVF class. Not a lot that I learned new, but things I wanted to make a note of.

What we will need to get done:

• Another SA, this time with Baystate (last time it was through a different lab) (they require this)
• A sonohystogram (? Double-check with the doctor)
• Double-check again that there won’t be problems with my anti-depressants (or at least confirm with them that I DID get approval from my OBGYN in regards to pregnancy)
• Get my protocol from the doctor

Some other random notes I wanted to make:

• they only do the clomid challenge test on patients over 38
• the choice of which brand of FSH used depends mainly on what insurance covers (sure hope mine covers follistim
• the progesterone suppliments will be vaginal unless a need comes up for PIO IM injections (which I am seriously, seriously hoping to avoid!)
• they can freeze sperm ahead of time if you anticipate that there will be an issue, such has performance anxiety or a business trip at the time of ER
• they recommend collecting sperm in the rooms there, as she said, “Sperm don’t like waiting too long”

Numbers and procedures:

• They require a minimum of 4 follicles in order to proceed with the egg retrieval
• A fertilization rate of less than 50% will mean that the next cycle will be with ICSI
• Roughly 75% of eggs fertilize in general (no guarantees though!)
• If there are less than 6 high-grade embryos on day 3 there will be a day 3 transfer; if there are 6 or more high-grade embryos on day three then they’ll want to do a day 5 transfer with whatever embryos make it to blast stage
• In general, 40% of day-3 high grade embryos make it to blast
• After transfer they will freeze whatever high-grade embryos aren’t transfered
• Whatever leftover embryos aren’t high-grade they let develop to see if any make it to blast – roughly 10-15% of these low-grade embies make it to blast (and are subsequently frozen)
• There is of course a monthly storage fee for frozen embryos. No insurance pays for it, except Blue Cross who pays for 2 years! (And Blue Cross is the insurance we’ll likely be switching to in the fall.)
• They recommend taking the day of the transfer off work
• They request any leftover poor-quality embryos for research purposes, but of course you have to give signed consent for that.
• When you do get pregnant you have to decide what to do with the frozen embryos – to save them or destroy them or donate them.
• The live birth rate for IVF as of I think 2004 for my age (24) is around 40-45%. But they said that their current rates are probably closer to 50% of maybe even a little over.
• If you’re transferring 2 blasts there’s a higher rate of twins than with 2 day-3s
• For my age, first IVF, they recommend transferring 1-2 high grade day-3s, 2 lower grade day-3s, or 1 blast
• 70% of embryos survive freezing and thawing
• Implantation rate is a little lower for FET cycles
• They do recommend reducing to twins if higher-order multiples occur, because of the increased risks to babies and mother

So that was that. Den and I had a few discussions afterwards.

First discussion was me asking him about donating our leftovers for research. He said, “Sure.” I said, “Cool.” So that decision’s taken care of.

The next discussion was a bit lengthier. We were talking about how many to transfer. Now we had previously agreed on 2, and I was okay with that… but I didn’t know we’d be even considering a day 5 transfer with blasts. I do know that blasts have a higher chance of sticking, which would make me even more nervous about twins. Am I willing to accept that if that’s what we got? Yes, okay, I’ve come to that conclusion. However I don’t really want to put my hand in the fire, as I told him. Den I think is much more concerned about the rate of failure than the rate of twins. He’d take twins just fine. I’m much more… reserved.

Now I need to make an appointment with my doctor. Or hmm wonder if I should just wait until my pre-op consult, kill two birds with one stone? If they’ll let me do that. Not sure. I do want to keep this ball rolling.

My stomach is gurgling in all sorts of aweful ways today. Ugh, I would like to know what’s up with this! It started when I started spotting and hasn’t let up.

Yeah… my stomach is very unhappy with me today. :green:

I just wanted to keep note of this: MOMS Club of West Springfield, which is the local chapter of International MOMS Club. I definitely think I’m going to need something like that when we have a baby. I go stir-crazy as it is (being a stay at home wife and all). That’s a big part of the reason I got a part-time job… to be around people! Plus I think it would be good for the kiddo to be around other children and go to museums and zoos and stuff. :)

Some friends of mine were talking about going to a Resolve support group in their area and I started thinking. I looked up our local chapter to see what’s available… there’s one in Amherst, which is about half an hour away. It appears to meet once a month. Peer-led support group. It’s free for Resolve members and $5 for non-members (we aren’t members… need to decide if I want to do that or not). I don’t know. Driving half an hour to sit in a group with people I don’t know is a little scary to me. I mean I do have my online support groups. But sometimes I think it would be nice to have some face to face time with other people… especially people dealing with the same things we are. I don’t know if Den would go though. He might consider going if I asked him to, but I think he wouldn’t really want to go. And going alone makes me feel nervous. I wonder if most women bring their husbands?

Den’s been encouraging me to do some more scrapbooking. Unfortunately it’s an expensive hobby and I don’t want to spend more money! But it would give me something productive to do – and there’s a local scrap night that happens once a week or something. It costs $15, but again – it provides being around people and being social. I always get nervous in situations like that, but at the same time I really need it. Part of the reason I love my job is because I get to spend a few hours with other people. I like being a stay at home wife for the most part, but… sometimes it just gets hard being alone all the time. (Except for the furry butts, and while they can be great company – and they do talk back, contrary to popular belief! – they’re not human, obviously.)

With my husband not only do I need to remind him about things verbally around 3 times, but I also need to email him a reminder or two just so it’s in writing. I say this because this morning Den asks me if I’m working tomorrow and I say no, “but remember we have that IVF class tomorrow.” He stares at me completely blankly and says, “But I thought we weren’t doing that injects class??” I point out that the injects class was last week and no we didn’t do it, but we were doing the IVF class instead – something I have mentioned on at least three occassions to him, including the two seperate occasions where he made plans for him/us for tuesday and thursday (without checking with me) and both times I said, “What day is that? Okay then, as long as it’s not wednesday when we have our class to go to.” In fact, just last night I said to him, “I’m really looking forward to the IVF class!” and he replied, “I’m glad!” Mind like swiss cheese, people – mind like swiss cheese. See what I have to deal with every day?? (He’s now asked me to email him the info. Because by the time he gets to work? He won’t remember what time I told him it was at.)

My period has all but disappeared. Wonder if that says anything about my lining this month. Or maybe it just means that I spotted so much that there wasn’t much left. In either case, not much is happening. I haven’t had any more cramping or nausea since my period started – apparently I got that out of the way first too. It’s been the weirdest period yet.

I am really looking forward to the class tomorrow. It’s something productive! Not that I’m expecting to learn a lot more, for I am reader extraordinaire and like to fully educate myself. But Den is going with me and I know he’ll learn quite a bit – he listens to me talk, but only halfway (as his surprize at my “revelation” that we have an appointment tomorrow illustrates) so I know a lot of things will start sinking in for him tomorrow. And I’m just excited to get this class out of the way so I can make an appointment with the Dr. to determine our protocol and dosages and everything. (The clinic has a required order for doing things – the overview class, then the dr’s consult, then the protocol class – all before you start IVF of course.) Even if I do decide to wait until May to start IVF I’ll be glad to have the road paved.

Oh one interesting little tidbit: Den admitted to me yesterday that he’s hoping for twins. Which is kind of amusing because we both really did not want twins when we started this journey (the two of his siblings who have kids both have twins, if you can believe that – one identical set, one fraternal set). We just really wanted to have a “normal” pregnancy with a singleton and not have to do everything in duplicate like we have to do for all holidays with the nieces and nephews. And when I pointed that out to Den he said, “Yeah but then I expected to have children. Now…” I know what he means. If we have to do IVF to get pregnant and we only get two chances paid for… twins might be the only way we’ll have two children. We don’t know what the future holds. (But I am still hoping for a singleton, for so many reasons including my health, the babies’ health, and the money!)

Yesterday pretty much sucked for the first half. I slept, and when I woke up I had cramps… full on honest to god cramps and they hurt like hell. That’s when I made that post. I didn’t want to take midol until I actually got AF because, you know, there’s always a *chance* that I’m wrong… but I couldn’t take it any longer and took some midol. I took tylenol first, but that didn’t do jack sh*t. Finally the cramping subsided and I could get ready to go out. (I had a very nice evening out with some girls. It was great!)

I got home to find that I had finally finally started bleeding. Very little more than spotting, but it was finally starting. I just felt such relief. I’ve never felt relieved when AF started before, but this month I didn’t let myself think that late = pregnancy. (And after having several alchoholic drinks and taking midol I would have been pretty freaked out had I actually been pregnant!)

So I slept in today too, and woke up to… a mess. Thank god I didn’t get anything on my sheets or mattress. (I’m very protective of my sheets!) But I can absolutely say that today is CD1. Time to start the birth control. I’m feeling a very very slight amount of discomfort – I can feel my stomach gurgle now and then – but it’s like I got the cramping and major nausea out of the way already. How weird is that. (Just hope it doesn’t come back around to bite me in the ass later.)

This month is going to be pretty full though. This coming wednesday we have our IVF overview class, then the week after I have my pro-op consult. Then it’s the lap on March 13 and a week off work. (But I’ll be working the weekend before and the weekend after to stay on top of things – just won’t be working for about 4 days to recover.)

I’ve been feeling a little unsure lately about the IVF thing. Maybe it’s a bit of denial and a bit of guilt all mixed in… but I’m feeling like IVF is “real” infertility and that we shouldn’t get there (and with it the sympathy for having to go through IVF) without doing all the leading steps. Clomid to IVF. But it all comes down to money, and the fact that injects would cost us $700 out of pocket and still probably not get us pregnant. I guess we just have to do what’s right for us and I need to stop worrying about how “others” will judge me/us.

One last little tidbit: Friday night we were at a big fancy casino. We walked around for a while after dinner and came across a large pool – no fish, just for decoration. Of course there were lots of coins in it. So everyone was flipping coins in the pool for good luck. Den gave me a coin and told me to make a wish. I kind of scrambled around in my head and threw the coin. I made a somewhat stupid wish – I felt sheepish when I told Den. Den replied very sincerely, “I wished that our IVF would be successful.”

Damnit. That was SUCH a better wish. Can I change mine?

Oh for the LOVE OF G*D, body, start bleeding so I can take some freaking midol!!

I’m going out tonight and I’m REALLY looking forward to it (dinner with friends!) and I really don’t want to be feeling like crap the whole time!

The last couple of days have sucked…. AF is missing and not in that hopeful, oooo I might be pregnant kind of way. This is more of a she’s f***ing with me just to piss me off kind of way. I just want to get my next cycle started, that’s all. I know she’s coming. My cervix is low and wide open, I’ve been spotting for days, I’m cramping, and I tested BFN (at like 15dpo). I’m not pregnant… AF is just taking her sweet time starting.

Yesterday a group of us went out to celebrate BIL’s birthday. I said screw it and ordered myself two drinks over the course of the night. I am damn tired of thinking I’m pregnant and avoiding things in the 2ww and never being pregnant. So I had fun last night and didn’t think about it. Den said, “Well good.”

I picked up my birth control pills yesterday. :sigh: I forget which one it’s called… Previfem I think? How depressing to be picking up birth control instead of some kind of fertility meds. Then again, I’m kind of glad not to be doing clomid again. Grrr.

My stomach is acting up again. Yesterday I was on my way out the door when my stomach totally rebelled and I had to go running to the bathroom (not to puke). Ugh. This only happens during AF. Though this morning I might be feeling the after-effects of eating WAY too much food yesterday. Urp.

I was just reading a little review of laparoscopy posted by someone on a forum. I’m reading along about the gas inserted, the scars, the recovery… the stitches. Stitches>?! Okay, someone forgot to mention that one to me!! (Excuse… I’m still very freaked out at the idea of a surgery at all, and stitches is NOT something I had taken into account. ACK ACK.)

Oh and by the way… I got annoyed and tested this evening. BFN. No surprize. But I’ve all but stopped spotting. Irritating. There needs to be a rule: AF either comes on time, or not at all. No exceptions.

Oh and I got a phone call from a nurse today. The RE does want to put me on BCP and I’ve decided to just do it. At this point… eh. Whatever. I forget which one it was though. I’m supposed to start it on the first day of my period… good thing it hadn’t started on time. I’ll pick them up tomorrow.