I love this memory book for a little girl. :D This one is quite nice as well.

I also like this one for a pregnancy journal. Edit: I just noticed this one is $75. Holy crap. I really really like it…. but there’s no way we can afford $75 for it!

Well I had my doctor appointment today. I got straight in to get weighed and measured and bp taken, then sent to sit in the doctor’s office to wait. And wait. And wait. 30 minutes, to be exact. (That’s three for three, if you’re counting – 3 appointments, each waiting over half an hour. I’m just going to have to schedule that in to my day and not expect to get out on time.)

First off, the doctor was a little taken aback with the IVF thing. I forgot that last time I’d talked to her we were planning on an injects cycle, even got a prescription for the meds and everything. I had gotten the IVF info just to read. (It was that visit that revealed the $1500 meds insurance limit, consequently changing our plans to do IVF instead.) That made me feel a little unsettled… I mean, I’m still feeling a little nervous about jumping straight to IVF. If money weren’t an issue we’d be doing an injects IUI first. But Den is CONVINCED it wouldn’t work, and it’s $600 for the meds. But he didn’t remind me that I really do need to check with our insurance to make SURE that they will cover IVF when we haven’t done all the “leading steps”. I don’t want to be caught with my pants down, as it were.

After we talked she asked if I had time for an ultrasound. I’ve been on BCP for about two weeks now, she said it’s the perfect time to take a peek. Boy was that uncomfortable. She asked if it was “tender” when she pushed against my ovary – yes, yes, yes. But she said everything looks great, ovaries are a little shrunken like they should be when they’re “turned off”, lots of antral follicles, and nothing unusual that she could see. So she said that confirmed her decision to put me on 75iu instead of 150. Not sure what my little antral follicles had to do with it, but I take her word for it. :lol:

Okay, on to the details. I’ll do the IVF info first.

Protocol: The protocol I’ll be doing is the Luteal Lupron (as expected), with BCP first, and dosages of 75iu follistim with 75iu menopur. I’ll also be doing lupron (duh), with ovidrel trigger.

Pre-Reqs: Apparently the January IUI we did they ran a S/A on the sample and put it in my charts – which effectively takes care of that requirement. Den is thrilled he doesn’t have to go in for another one. We will need another appointment with the Dr though, to sign IVF consent forms before we start the cycle. She said we can plan that after my surgery. And I believe Den has to be there for that as well, they need both our signatures. She did give me the informed consent forms to look over and discuss with Den though. And of course we need to do the protocol class with the nurses.

Scheduling: She thinks our IVF cycle will start in May. I asked if they schedule everyone to start at the same time, she said they actually spread them out so they have a group starting each week. I’m assuming we’d start in May because the previous weeks are “full”. However she said it’s the nurses who do the detailed scheduling and figuring out exactly when you start so I’ll need to talk to them.

# to Transfer: As for how many embryos/blasts to transfer, her recommendation is one. I explained how freaked out Den is that it’s going to fail – and obviously our concern with money. She said a compromise could be doing 2 embryos at day 3 and only 1 blast at day 5. Which is the conclusion Den and I had already come to. The ASRM recommendations for my age and a “favorable diagnosis” (which is us) is to transfer 1-2 embryos at day 3 and 1 embryo at day 5, so I’m feeling confident with that decision.

Future FET: She said she expects to have frozen embryos after our first cycle, and that the total cost for a FET cycle is $2200. She said we might want to consider paying for that out of pocket if it comes to that, to save our insurance coverage for a fresh cycle if that ever becomes necessary. I’m totally on board with that, but Den isn’t. He says $2200 is $2200 – that we don’t have. Den also isn’t really getting the whole fresh/frozen thing, because when I explained the cost of a FET and how we should save our insurance for a future fresh cycle he said we should just do another fresh cycle thing. I was like o.O uhhh. That makes no sense dear. No one in their right mind does a fresh cycle when they have frozen eggs. So we’ll have to discuss that one in more detail later.

Blast Transfer: The informed conset form goes over risks/benefits of the different transfers. It states “the transfer of 2 blastocysts in patients under 35 years of age will likely result in a 50% chance of twins.” – that was the piece of info that convinced Den to transfer only 1 blast. I think that number was a little higher than he wanted. It also states “There is an increased chance of identical monozygotic twins (2-5%) with blastocyst transfer.” Yeek. That’s all I can say right now.

Baystate pregnancy statistics for 2005 for under 35 years of age:
Average Number Day 3 Embryos Transferred/Cycle in 2005: 2.0
2005 Live Births/Transfer: 50.4%*
% Live Births with Twins: 30.8%
% Live Births with Triplets: 1.5%
*If 1 top grade embryo transferred=47.4% (All singletons), If 2 top grade embryos transferred=66.6% (43.3% twins).

Den and I went back and forth on those numbers for a while. It’s the difference between 1 and 2 embryos transferred that he’s focussing on; it’s the 43.3% twins that catches my eye! But… I think a part of me is kind of hoping for b/g twins. What scares me is getting two of the same!

Okay, now on to the info about the surgery… it’s not much. Part of this is from the doctor, part of it is from the phone call I got from someone who works at the hospital who went over the proceedure and asked me all sorts of health questions. (She concluded that I am pretty damn healthy. And yep, I am – other than the depression and OCD my body has done me pretty well. This will be my first surgical proceedure, first time in a hospital as a patient other than the IUIs. Weight change of more than 10lbs in the past few months? Nope. Viruses or illnesses? Nope. Allergies? Nope. Heart problems, liver problems, any kind of problems?? Nope. Just the depression.)

• 15% of women with normal x-rays and ultrasounds have some endo/other abnormalities found in a lap
• There are risks to the surgery, including damage to the bladder or the bowel. (Well, this was when they go over all the risks and such. A little unnerving.)
• There is a chance if endo is found in hard-to-reach places that they may need to make a larger incision to get to it, which would result in a longer stay at the hospital.
• I am not to take any advil or midol for 7-10 days before the surgery (so – stopping now).
• I am not to have anything to eat or drink after midnight before the surgery. (Nothing, not even gum or hard candy.)
• And to make life even more fun, there giving me some nasty tasting stuff to “clear out my bowels” the night before. Oh I’m so looking forward to THAT.
• No nail polish or makeup the day of the surgery. I read someone else mentioning that it’s because they want to be able to tell if you’re losing color/turning blue. Fabulous!
• I should dress comfortably, something that won’t irritated the incisions afterwards, and no jewelry or things that could get lost. I should have asked if that meant my wedding ring – it aint coming off too easily, I’m not exactly worried about losing it. (It’s a plain band I plan on replacing, heh.)
• I’m to arrive at 11:30, and I’ll get undressed, the anesthesiologist (I so had to google the spelling and I got it right! will go over what he’s going to do to me and I’ll sign consent forms and stuff. Pre-op stuff.
• After the procedure I’ll be hooked up to all sorts of monitors, may have an oxygen thing in my nose or over my mouth, blood pressure cuff on, stickies on me, IV still in. She said not to worry about it, but to concentrate on how I’m feeling.
• The surgery itself should take about an hour and a half, and afterwards I should be able to go home about 2 hours later. Den will be there waiting and they’ll tell him how it went, how I’m doing, what they found, etc. Then he gets to take care of me, bwahaha.

I think that pretty much wraps it up. That’s a lot of info for one doctor visit, two sheets of paper, and a phone call with a hospital staff member huh?? A lot to take in, as usual.

The best part about being on birth control? Having a drink while watching TV. Okay, it’s not as good as anything in the restaurant, but it’s something, and it’s giving me that pleasant warm feeling.

I’m watching Men Having Babies on Discovery Health and I just have such a smile on my face watching their ultrasound appointments. After I’m not sure how many IVF tries, with their last try they gambled and put three embryos in – and got pregnant with a singleton. Watching how happy they all are is so wonderful! (Gay male couple with a lesbian surrogate and her partner.) I’m just so thankful that they have medical options to achieve pregnancy through surrogacy. (well I’m glad we have it too, but it’s rather difficult to get pregnant when you’re gay!) What a blessing, all of it. What a wonderful thing that we have that option (if you can afford it).

I’ve already been starting to worry and re-think my decision to transfer only one blast. I know it’s only going to get worse. I think I’m more afraid of a negative than of twins. And that might be what it comes down to. Den and I were debating finances in the truck – would it be more expensive to have twins, or to pay for all the meds for a second IVF round? I immediately said “Twins! Twins are expensive!” But he pointed out that we were planning on having two kids anyhow. Granted hand-me-downs and things (though there’s less of that if you figure a boy and a girl of different ages, less that can be handed down – or at least less that you want to). And with IVF, whatever money we spend on it, each try, is money out of our pocket that can’t go towards our future baby/ies. So I don’t know. I just don’t know. I’ll put off the decision until we’re closer to having to make it.

I’m really starting to feel impatient though. I want to get this started. Definitely April instead of May. I can’t wait until May. lol Well we’ll see what the doctor says on Friday – there might be a scheduling issue that I don’t yet know of, but if I were given my own choice I’ll start the IVF cycle with my April period.

Woo this drink is hitting me. One drink and I feel fuzzy, lol. That’s so pathetic. :) (But to be fair, I did put far too much vodka in it!)

I love this set!! So cute!

On the forums I like to poke my head into the pregnancy groups (you know, the kind that are grouped by month) to just see what’s going on – especially when I’m in the 2ww and hopeful that I’ll get to join them. Like with everything baby, sometimes it hurts to look, but sometimes it’s reassuring to look and think someday that will be me.

Today as I was looking in the latest one (Sept-Oct, which I am quite obviously not going to be in) I checked out a poll they had asking the pregnant girls what # this one was for them. There was a small number of #1s, a much larger number of #2s, and a good number of #3s and #4s. I flipped through the replies, seeing all the baby-birthday tickers along with the new pregnancy tickers.

And I realized then that it’ll never be “okay”. When we crossed the line into infertility and all that resentment and anger and frustration just kept building up I maintained the belief that once I got pregnant it would all be okay. I’d never forget, but I just felt like I’d be able to leave it all behind me and just be pregnant. But I don’t think that’s what’s going to happen anymore. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to look at someone laughing that they got pregnant by accident and not wonder Why is it so easy for other people, and so hard for me? I don’t think being pregnant and having a baby will ever really erase this sadness from my heart. Not when we’ll want to try again, and will have to live with the knowledge that we’re likely going to have to go through all of this again.

Maybe I’ll be wrong. Maybe knowing I have a baby inside me will make everything better so I can just feel happy for everyone. But I don’t think so.

When Den and I were driving home from the IVF class he was expressing his frustration and concern. He told me he’ll never stop worrying. He said when he didn’t know anything getting pregnant seemed like such a simple thing. But now he knows all the details of what happens, of what can go wrong… it seems so much more complicated, so much more fragile. And he mentioned that even when I get pregnant he’ll still worry – when he wouldn’t have before.

Infertility has changed us irrevocably. I like to think it has and will make us stronger – stronger as a couple and stronger as an individual. But it’ll always be a weight we carry. It will never truly go away.

Massachusetts is one of the 5 states that does not have any specific legislation protecting nursing mothers. A bill is in the works but is taking quite a while to pass. I need to write some letters. Just for my own notes, this is my state representitive. Unfortunately I really don’t understand if he’s the one I need to contact at this point or not… the whole U.S. legal system confuses the hell out of me.

I find it very odd that Massachusetts – frequently referred to as the most liberal of states – is one of the 5 without legislation. I really hope this bill gets put through soon.

This is the bedding set I want for a little girl. It’s so perfect! It makes me go “awwww”. And yet it’s not all cartoon-y and theme-y. Simple stripes and floral. Perfect.

This is the one I’m still liking for a boy. :) And as an added bonus, I think both of them go together if we ended up with b/g twins. (With light green walls, in that case.) Do people do that? Do different bedding for b/g twins? Not that I care what “others” do. ;)

But there’s a few others on that site that are super cute too, like this gender neutral one. I’m just not a huge fan of gender-neutral though. :/

And of course Den walks in and says he doesn’t like either of them. Doesn’t like the stripes. I believe he said, “That pink one looks like the interior of a ’70s cadillac.” I told him I wasn’t alive back then so it didn’t matter and I liked it. :P

Manda, author of Twin Ladybugs, lost one of her twin baby girls yesterday. I do not know her, but my heart breaks for her. What a horrible tragedy.

I just want to make a note of this before I totally forget about it. Diaper services. Some girls on a forum are talking about it and it sparked me to do a search for any in the area. Only one I can find in MA and it doesn’t service this area. There is this one: Bundles of Joy Diaper Service just south of us in CT. They do not have a website that I can find, however, so I don’t know if they service this area.

If there’s nothing even available I’m going to be mighty ticked off.

This site provides a listing of diapering services: National Association of Diaper Services, as well as some neat info and instructional video/pictures. Whenever I thought of cloth diapers I thought of what my mom used for us – which were just a cotton cloth in a huge rectangle. The new ones seem to be, erm, a little more advanced! lol This shouldn’t surprize me, but it does. I really want to do this… for the money, for the environment, for baby’s comfort. But I really don’t think I CAN unless we get a new washer and dryer. (Which we might need to do anyways… so we’ll see.)

Update:

I talked to Den about the whole idea. He said, “Why would you want to reuse diapers? Ewww, that’s nasty! Poop in your washer.” I pointed out the last time I brought it up he said he was fine with it. “As long as I don’t have to touch it,” he says. :rolleyes: He mentioned it stinking in the laundry. Yeah, and disposable diapers in the trash don’t stink… duh.

I mentioned the pricing: $17/week for a diaper service (for 70 diapers). He stared. I stared back. That’s wicked cheap. Sign me up! (I so hope there’s a service around here!!)

He really likes the flushables idea though. (I’m more leaning towards the cotton, but we’ll see how that goes!)

As I said Den, “I’m only moderately crunchy.” Oh well.

I called the RE office to set up a consult to determine my protocol. The receptionist said I can do it the same time as my pre-op appointment on March 2. Yippee! (One less co-pay, lol – and one less drive into the city!) Plus that’s next week! Yay!