Little by little it weighs down upon you until you can never get out
On the forums I like to poke my head into the pregnancy groups (you know, the kind that are grouped by month) to just see what’s going on – especially when I’m in the 2ww and hopeful that I’ll get to join them. Like with everything baby, sometimes it hurts to look, but sometimes it’s reassuring to look and think someday that will be me.
Today as I was looking in the latest one (Sept-Oct, which I am quite obviously not going to be in) I checked out a poll they had asking the pregnant girls what # this one was for them. There was a small number of #1s, a much larger number of #2s, and a good number of #3s and #4s. I flipped through the replies, seeing all the baby-birthday tickers along with the new pregnancy tickers.
And I realized then that it’ll never be “okay”. When we crossed the line into infertility and all that resentment and anger and frustration just kept building up I maintained the belief that once I got pregnant it would all be okay. I’d never forget, but I just felt like I’d be able to leave it all behind me and just be pregnant. But I don’t think that’s what’s going to happen anymore. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to look at someone laughing that they got pregnant by accident and not wonder Why is it so easy for other people, and so hard for me? I don’t think being pregnant and having a baby will ever really erase this sadness from my heart. Not when we’ll want to try again, and will have to live with the knowledge that we’re likely going to have to go through all of this again.
Maybe I’ll be wrong. Maybe knowing I have a baby inside me will make everything better so I can just feel happy for everyone. But I don’t think so.
When Den and I were driving home from the IVF class he was expressing his frustration and concern. He told me he’ll never stop worrying. He said when he didn’t know anything getting pregnant seemed like such a simple thing. But now he knows all the details of what happens, of what can go wrong… it seems so much more complicated, so much more fragile. And he mentioned that even when I get pregnant he’ll still worry – when he wouldn’t have before.
Infertility has changed us irrevocably. I like to think it has and will make us stronger – stronger as a couple and stronger as an individual. But it’ll always be a weight we carry. It will never truly go away.
*hugs you tight*
I’m sorry you feel so down about other people’s pregnancies. I have to say that unfortunately, I feel the same way.
I wonder if I can ever truly be happy for someone else until I have a baby myself. I try to never say never so I prefer to say “we’ll see how it is afterward.” Maybe I’m just procrastinating.
The funny thing is that I find I can be happy for others who have tried really hard and finally got their bundle of joy. It’s the whole “oops” situation that really cuts me deep. So, it’s like I can only be happy for other people who suffer like me. I feel horrible admitting that but it is true.
I always tell myself that because of my struggles with IF, I will be a better parent because I won’t take things for granted with my little one. I will appreciate every little moment because I realize how fragile life is. All I can say is that you are not alone in how you feel. Sometimes, that’s all you need to know.
XOXO
Yeah exactly Kristen. I feel really happy for friends when I know they’ve been struggling and gone through hell to get to where they are… and when I see people being successful after going through IVF or whatever it gives me hope too. But yeah… the oops ones can be hard to take. It’s not that I don’t thing they deserve it, it’s just that it seems so unfair. :(
I think it’s all a part of infertility… the emotional hardships.
Natalie –
First *hugs*
I feel the same way you do. I don’t feel like a woman anymore, and I never thought getting pregnant would be this hard. I find myself being jealous of other women who are pregnant and not so much of those that tried a really long time…but it still hurts to see those pregnant bellies and know it is not going to happen that easy for me.
I wish this whole process was easier for us…but hey, we wouldn’t have found one another…right?