Random crying at TV show that has nothing to do with babies? Check.

(First season of Gilmore Girls. Some Lorelei/Luke sadness-tension and a Lorelei/Emily fight-and-make-up.)

I didn’t actually outright cry, but I had the whole welling eyes, rapid blinking, runny nose thing going. Oy.

Today was a stressful day. It ended very good (as good as can be), but it was super, super stressful for me.

First I was stressed about work at my client’s. Turned out that went just fine, if a little oddly. So my stress diminished during the day and I was just looking forward to going home.

Right before it was time for me to leave I felt… something. You know that feeling when AF starts? That dripping, wet feeling? That. I started to worry. A lot. It wasn’t until I had actually left, though, that I really started panicking. My undies still felt very wet, and I kept telling myself it was just prometrium. But I wanted to check. I needed to check. It was all I could think about.

I had to buy dog food while I was out, so I tried to do it quickly. That backfired in a big way. First I had to return to my truck to get my purse which I’d forgotten, then I had to go back to the parking lot to get a cart. I bought the dog food, threw it in my truck as it started raining, shoved the cart back into the cart-return, and took off. Over and over in my head were horrible thoughts of bleeding. For some reason I reached for my phone – maybe to call Den? – and realized my purse isn’t here. I swerved into a parking lot alongside the road and dug through my truck… not there. I’d left my freaking purse in the parking lot!!!!

So I went racing back, now freaking out about TWO things. I got there, checked the carts, checked beside where I was parked… my purse is not there. I ran inside…. and then I saw it, sitting in a cart beside a cashier. She said, “This your purse?” I said yes and thank you, thank you, thank you. She said the little old lady standing at the counter brought it inside. I thanked her, too, profusely. And then raced out the door.

When I got home – a good half-hour’s drive home, I might add – I dropped everything and ran into the bathroom. I had worked myself up into a full-blown panic picturing miscarriage and blaming myself for not taking my prometrium pills exactly 8 hours apart. But it was prometrium! Just like I SHOULD have known it was. But SHOULD have doesn’t mean diddly squat when you’re terrified like I was. Not a speck of spotting, thank god.

And my boobs are still veiny.

In other news, Den is now trying to talk me out of taking a pregnancy test in the morning. He thinks, if I’m going to test, I should do it when I get back from getting my blood drawn. (It’s a half-hour drive there and half-hour back.) I think he’s worried about me being alone in a car after a bad result. But I’m not so certain that being alone in a car and not knowing will be any better. Just look at what happened to me today – I was NOT all the way with it at all.

So Den’s *brilliant* idea (sarcasm) is that I can POAS before I leave if I want to but I am not to wake him up. He said if he told me to wake him up if it were positive but not if it was negative, then if he woke up and I was gone he’d know. But what kind of idiotic solution is that? WTF? I mean, if he was really overly concerned about me he could go WITH me to get my blood drawn. (He’s not going in to work tomorrow – he has a doctor’s appointment after I get back, then we have the day together.) So either way I’m waking him up if it’s positive. I’m sorry, but I am posting online right away and I am NOT going to let my husband be the LAST to know!!

He can be such a weirdo sometimes.

I’m actually counting down the hours now. 2 more hours until I can go to bed. Then I just try to sleep until morning – or as late as I possibly can before getting up to empty my bladder onto one of those magical little sticks. (And it had better damnwell be magical this time.)

In Lindsay’s blog I left a comment about boobs and the crazy conversations I have with myself and with Den. Every month:
“Are my boobs bigger?”
“Umm? No, not really.”
“What about the middle part, is that darker?”
“I don’t know? Not really?”

And he’s always been regretfully honest. So today, as usual, I called him over to look at my boobs to see if I was crazy or not. I have veins. Several of them. Running across my boobs. Now I may be a crazy person, but I do not recall ever seeing that before. And neither does Den. Plus he said they’re ginormous, but they’ve been ginormous (and, consequently, rather sore) ever since I started the progesterone.

Den’s starting to get anxious, I can tell. I can tell because after he looked at my big boobs (and grabbed them a little) he turned to me and said, “Can you test now?” Of course I said no, I’d just peed – and he looked a little relieved anyways – so the plan is still on for Wednesday.

We are so, so hopeful.

One morning down, one more to go. These are definitely going to be the two hardest days of the entire process. I have been pretty much fine until now… but knowing that I could possibly test now, but refusing to… and knowing that my beta is only two days away… is going to drive me crazy.

I feel competely distracted. I’m here at work (cat place) today, where being distracted isn’t such a huge deal. But I have to go to my client’s tomorrow, and I just don’t know how I’m going to be able to function. I’m already all jittery because of the testing, but then I’m doing something new for the client that I’m not so certain is good enough, so that’s making me even more stressed out. I just hope hope hope everything goes really well tomorrow, or at least goes same as usual, nothing of note… or else I’m just going to burst into tears.

I feel on the edge today, as it is. I just want to nap to escape everything. I was going through the photos on my phone today, and I got to some of the old ones of my dog when she was a pup and I very very nearly started crying. Why? I don’t freaking know. Obviously I’m closer to the edge than I thought.

Shit. Just one more day to get through, right??

Let’s do a quick run-down on what’s going on in my body, just for posterity.

1) Sore boobage. Had that since egg retrieval. Soooore boobs.

2) Very “regular” digestive system. Every morning, a couple of hours after I get up, I have to RUN to the bathroom because my stomach demands it. And usually I have to do it again a few hours later, too. (The nausea/throw-up has diminished, so I think that was just the bloating/overeating at work.)

3) I’m feeling little pangs/twinges in my lower abdomen. Sometimes it kinda feels like my ovaries (which are probably still shrinking), sometimes it’s more in the center. Today my uterus felt “tight” for a little bit. Not a cramp, but just… tightness.

4) No spotting whatsoever. Which doesn’t surprize me, because of the progesterone suppositories.

5) Excessive clutziness. I blame that on my stress/nerves. I find my hands aren’t grabbing things right, things are slipping out of my grip, I’m knocking things over frequently. It’s driving me a little nuts. And let’s not mention the walking-into-and-tripping-over-everything-possible. Though really, did the dog HAVE to leave my purse in the middle of the doorway?

6) I’m not breaking out, except on the days that I wear sunscreen… I’ve been good at washing my face twice a day because the heat is making me sweaty. Sweat + face pores = zits, so I’m keeping myself very clean. I’ve just ordered Proactiv sunscreen for my face in the hopes that’ll solve that problem. I have FAIR FAIR skin so sunscreen is a must… too bad Proactiv only sells 15 and 30. I usually wear 45.

7) Temper is short. I’m just getting so frustrated with things in general, throwing little mini-fits. Right now it’s normally the dogs who are causing it… I don’t know if my reactions are off or if their behavior is unusually bad, but they are being total BRATS lately. (Except right now, two dogs and a cat are asleep around me in the bedroom, thank goodness. I’ve done quite enough yelling lately. Actually, my dog’s head is asleep against my cat’s butt. Snort.) I haven’t quite cried yet, but there are moments during the day when I feel like randomly bursting into tears for no reason. Usually worrying about testing.

So other than the plethora of bruises (both from me hitting things and two kamikaze dogs who are apparently trying to KILL ME – long story, let’s just say we had two leash incidents recently that involved me getting hurt) and those listed above I’m feeling normal I guess.

What to say? The 2ww sucks… and yet, it’s not really as bad as others I’ve had. Maybe because I really think we have a very good chance at this… maybe because I am not checking incessantly for spotting, as AF is not going to arrive at all until I stop my medications… maybe because I don’t have to worry about when to test. I don’t know why. But it’s been pretty peaceful – at least in terms of TTC/IF treatment. (My freelancing, on the other hand, has been very stressful… trying to do too many things in too short of time and getting frustrated by all of it.) Maybe I just have too much else to worry about these days than sitting here thinking about my beta. Seems backwards, doesn’t it?

Though if I sit here and start wondering about what I believe is going to be the outcome I start hyperventillating, almost. I believe deep down inside that I am pregnant…. maybe because in order to have hope I have to believe that… but both Den and I are really quite terrified to take a pregnancy test. We’ve seen so many negative ones it’s hard to imagine ever seeing anything different… and there’s a part of us that, illogically, thinks we’d jinx it.

I do think I’m going to take a pregnancy test early morning Wednesday though (the day of my beta). Den has to work that day and if I’m pregnant I want to find out while he’s here at home with me! The beta will confirm our result one way or the other so we won’t have days to sit there and think, “But what if the test is wrong?!” (Not that I think pregnancy tests are going nto be wrong at 14dpo, but Den does.)

So until my beta I’m just knitting and trying not to think too hard about the possibilities.

** Crankiness involved below. **

Just got back from a doctor’s appointment – with my GP. This american health system drives me nuts. I have to go see my GP every 6 months, apparently, to get a prescription for my Celexa… even though I’ve been on the Celexa for 5 years and if anything came up obvious I’d go talk to the doctor. But noooo, I have to go into his office and pay a $15 co-pay every 6 months just to tell him that I’m fine and need a re-fill.

And, of course I have to tell him everything that’s been going on to date with the RE and trying to get pregnant and such. Even though I just had to do this exact same thing with the OB/Midwife. But they don’t communicate, oh no. My OB’s office does my yearly physical (pap, breast check, listen to heartbeat, blood pressure, weight). But then my GP has to do the weight and blood pressure, how am I feeling, etc too. Why am I paying for both?! I wouldn’t even go to the damn GP except for the Celexa. (And I like him. That’s not the issue!)

And of course when I mentioned trying to get pregnant he froze and gave me that, “Oh this could be a problem,” look. Oy. So I had to explain that I already talked in depth with my OB about it, that the OB is fine with me staying on it through pregnancy. GP told me that he either needs a letter from the OB to that effect, or the OB needs to take over filling my prescription while I’m pregnant… I guess for liability reasons? And trust me, if I could just keep getting my prescription from my OB I’d be FINE with that. (But I normally see the Midwife, who I am sure is not qualified to do that, so I’d have to see the OB for that and the Midwife for my other checks…) GP also said that I might have to go see a geneticist at Baystate (the big hospital where my RE is) to talk about SSRIs in pregnancy and risks, blah blah blah. I’ve been over this three times already!! Every time I see another doctor I have to assure them, yet again, that I’ve been cleared to take it, that I understand the risks and benefits and have decided to continue taking it through my pregnancy. Can I just sign a freaking waiver or something?

So yeah, not in the best of moods this morning.

When I told my doctor that I was seeing an RE for reproductive issues he told me that “they only let you transfer a few now, don’t they? They used to let you transfer a ton. We did 5. Got triplets.” :shock: Apparently his triplets are now 12! Amazing who has gone through this. So at least he was sympathetic to the stress and moods! (I know what is due to my depression and what is due to outside stress. After this many years I’ve learned to tell them apart pretty easily.)

All I want to do today is knit. But nooo, I have to work. Which I’d better get to doing…

Once again I did not take the time this morning to eat. Bad idea. I need to start really putting for the effort for that…. even though I felt fine this morning. I thought I was safe.

I had to drive Den to work, then go to Costco for the order, now I’m at work… I grabbed myself a bowl of cashews and a little chicken half-sandwich. It’s not helping. In fact, I think it’s getting worse. My stomach is making weird grumbles. And I think I need to run to the bathroom now…

Let’s just say I’m keeping extremely regular.

I keep trying to pass this off as my regular stomach “troubles”, or because of all the over-eating I’ve been participating in, or whatever… but it’s getting rather predictable. Like I said, I thought I was home-free today until I got to work.

However, this all started the day after transfer. That cannot possibly be pregnancy symptoms yet. So unfortunately it all comes down to the progesterone.

Another queasy morning. I ate a bowl of cereal (rice crispies with strawberries in it) to settle everything. I’m starving though. All I want to do is eat. (Although I couldn’t finish my eggs I made. The first one was fine, the second one made me want to barf. And that, unfortuantely, is pretty much what happens EVERY time I eat scrambled eggs. Weird.)

7 days left. This is when it starts getting rough. Because all I want to do is know.

I’ve started planning out next cycle “just in case.” I don’t know if they’ll let me do another IVF cycle back-to-back, but either way we’re starting as soon as possible – we’ve already talked about it. And it’s funny because before we started this cycle Den was very much against doing anything right away. His concern was money, he sort of shrugged the concept off like, “We can’t just pull $1500 out of our ass.” Which I thought was rather… stupid… because this is important. We’ll find the money somehow. And it’s only $1500, not $15,000.

And now that we’ve done our first IVF? I think it was as soon as we found out that we had poor fertilization he decided he wanted to do another cycle right away (with ICSI this time, like they said). It’s like he didn’t really consider this one a “real” try because it had such big problems.

Now of course things have turned around considerably and we’re sitting in a much better position than we expected to after the bad news. I’m still just glowing with the knowledge that we got two embryos. But if this doesn’t work anyways, I definitely want to turn around and do it again. I’m not ready to give up yet. Especially now we know WHY we weren’t getting pregnant. In some ways this cycle may be our first chance at all.

Before our IVF cycle I had 18 cycles. 1 I was on birth control for (lap); 1 Den was away when I ovulated; and 2 we were either semi-avoiding or just plain not caring about timing. Three of them I was on clomid with 4 follicles each. So that gives us (11 unmedicated cycles x 1 egg) + (3 clomid cycles x 4 eggs). (And that’s being generous – those clomid cycles, I could have had less actual eggs release.) That’s 23 eggs total over the past 18 months that had sperm there waiting. So given our track record with fertilization we can guess that maybe 1 or 2 of them actually fertilized. That’s kind of crap odds, huh?

I’ve been busy… or trying to stay busy. Decided to learn to knit newborn hats. There’s some neat patterns I want to try, but right now are a little over-reaching my skill level. I’m starting small. Baby hats are so nice and small… nice little projects I can finish in a couple of days. And very hopefully useful objects, too. Though this first one I’m making, not so certain it’s going to work out.

So let’s talk symptoms. Someone on a forum asked the pregnant ladies/new moms when they started feeling pregnancy symptoms. My answer – though very not applicable to anyone else there – would be around the time of transfer. And obviously, I am not so much feeling the effects of the little microscopic embryos, but rather feeling the effects of the very large progesterone pills I am shoving up my hoo-ha three times a day.

The boobs hurt. Every morning when I sit up in bed I give a wince as, once again, I remember that my boobs are a lot more sensitive than they used to be. I usually get tender boobs before AF comes, but this is… well, worse. I wouldn’t say horrifically worse, but they feel inflated and tender. I can imagine they’ll only get worse.

This morning I had a lovely and sudden bout of “Hmmm, my tummy doesn’t feel so good,” followed quickly by dry heaving over the toilet. I’m sure I would have thrown up, had I eaten something this morning prior. However this particular symptom I’m blaming more on the massive amount of food I ate yesterday at a BBQ. That was such a bad idea. (And yet, I’d do it again. It was friggin GOOD food!!)

The bloating has gone down significantly. This is a good part of the reason for the massive overeating yesterday – it was the first day in a while that I’d felt able to eat more than a few bites of anything. It is really nice to feel more “normal”, and I’m just very glad it’s going away already.

Oh, and does anyone have any tips for those estrogen patches? I decided to put them on my upper behind, since it said below the waist, and if I put it on my front I’d have to either stick them on my lap scars, my bruise(s), or risk getting them stuck to my pubic hair (OUCH!), and my thighs are fuzzy so that’s a no-go. My butt seems pretty safe. They stick really well. And that’s the problem… they stick really well. I think I pulled off a layer of skin with them this morning. I was hopping around doing the “Owowowow!” dance, that’s for sure. So am I doing something wrong? Is that just what you have to live with? Not looking forward to weeks of this. Oh no.

The progesterone suppositories is making me frustrated, too, but for a different reason. Since I started charting 18 months ago I stopped really doing it formally, but I guess I just got used to checking my CM randomly every few days. It became just a natural thing to do to judge my cycles. And it was interesting to see how things changed when I was on injections (lots and lots of CM!). But the suppository interferes with all of that. It’s all gooey and gross and forget checking CM. Plus I’m stuck wearing a pad 24/7!

Now yes, this is a small thing to exchange for getting pregnant. Trust me, I fully believe that. However there’s definitely a part of me that’s sad at yet another reminder of “not normal”. I mean, I’ll got through whatever I have to to get pregnant, but I wasn’t really considering having to continue on these things through my first trimester. I guess I never really thought about it. And now I’m feeling like it’s another little piece of “normal” that I’m losing. Every step further we’ve taken into fertility treatments I’ve had to get used to losing that normalcy. And it still makes me sad.

On a happier note, Den frequently kisses my stomach now – twice, one for each embryo. He’s been worrying about me, encouraging me to take naps and rest. He’s really quite adorable. :)