First off I just want to say a huge THANK YOU to all of you who are the most wonderful, supportive people in the entire world. This goes for the people online like my SIL and mom (who don’t read this), for my most awesome friends in the world who are following along, for my forum buddies (some of whom wrote cheers for Murphy yesterday – fully animated with smilies for effect. Cracked me UP!), and of course to my wonderful, wonderful blog buddies. I KNOW, without a doubt, that I have this amazing support system around me who will cry with me and shriek with me and cheer me on. You guys ROCK. All of you. Every once in a while I’ll think about my “real” life and how little friends I have to catch a coffee with or whatnot (especially after moving to the U.S.), but then I log on and I’m overwhelmed with how many friends I DO have. I really hope I’m able to work it out to go to the BBISP (Big Boston Infertility Slumber Party) – Den’s immediate reaction last week was unhappiness at the thought of the cost of me driving or taking the bus, but I think he’s realizing how much it would mean to me.

In any case, for those of you who have asked how long before we know… unfortunately it’s going to be a very very LONG week and a half for me. My official beta blood test isn’t until Wednesday June 6th. I may or may not pee on a pregnancy test before then. I definitely want to pee on a stick before then, but Den’s all, “I don’t know hon, what if it’s negative and we get all upset, but it’s wrong…” So I don’t know yet. But definitely by the afternoon of May 6th we’ll know.

I had a crappy sleep this morning – I got up at 7:30 to change my estrogen patches and put in my progesterone suppository, then I tried to go back to sleep. First there was something in my eye driving me crazy. I mashed that eye into my pillow so it wouldn’t bug me, fell asleep… then was having a very *ahem* interesting dream… but because Den was up showering the dogs were whiny/barking and they kept interrupting my *ahem* dream. I woke up feeling very irritated, until I realized what day it was.

And I have to say, the first thing I did this morning was check my phone for messages. I really really did NOT think we’d get to transfer. I had this horrible fear of Murphy kicking the bucket beforehand. But there was no message, so Den and I got dressed, took the dogs out, put them in their crates, and off we went to the hospital.

They set me up in the bed right next door to the one I was in for the retrieval… they are rather comfy, you know. I had to take everything off (except my socks – I refuse to take off my socks during any ob/gyn or RE proceedure! Too cold!), got dressed in those funny smock things, put my hair in a net. I signed some paperwork allowing them to do the proceedure. They covered me in a blanket – I love them. :)

Den also had to get dressed in some scrubs over his clothes, in order to go into the operating room with me. While we waited he was acting like a dork, saying things in a smarmy voice like, “Hi, I’m your doctor for the day,” and waggling his eyebrows. He was a wee bit hyper.

Then the doctor came in. It wasn’t my doctor, it was a different one from the practice (they rotate what days they’re on duty in the IVF unit). She said she had a surprize for me… and she held up two fingers. “Two?” I said. “TWO? We have TWO?!” She nodded and said one had fertlized late. I couldn’t believe it… I just couldn’t believe it! She said the embryologist would give me all the details in the operating room, but that she just really wanted to tell me… and she said it was worthy it, that my entire face just lit up. Den didn’t quite get it, didn’t quite sink in, even though I grabbed his hand and gave him a huge, teary smile.

They wheeled me in my bed down the hall and through the two big doors into the operating room. While the doctor was getting all scrubbed/suited up the embryologist came in and introduced herself, then handed us a card with our info. I states quite clearly that TWO embryos fertilized – one an 8-cell, the other a 5-cell.

They put my legs up, scooted my but down, put a speculum in. The nurse sat to my left, brought over the ultrasound machine, and squirted some warm gel on my stomach, then used the abdominal ultrasound probe to get a quick look at my insides. The doctor threaded a catheter through my cervix, then just left it there as the embryologist went to clean and get our embryos in another catheter. When she came back with that the doctor threaded that tiny catheter through the larger one that was already in, and fed it gently up into my uterus. I could see it moving up on the ultrasound screen. Then the nurse said, “There,” and it was done! There was a tiny little spot on the ultrasound machine that showed where they’d put them – she said they couldn’t actually see the embryos themselves, but that they could see the little puff of air(?) or fluid or whatever it was when they pushed them out. I stayed there for a few more minutes while the embryologist went to check that the catheter was emtpy, no embryos sticking around. Then they took everything out, put me down, wrapped me in a new warm towel, and wheeled me back into my little “room”.

Soon as they left I started crying. I was (am) just so thankful…. TWO little embryos! In me! Den at that time looked at me and whispered, “Did they put two in??” I think he was still in shock! I stayed laying down there for 20 minutes then they said I could get dressed and go.

So now we’re home, I’m propped up in bed with my laptop where I’m planning to stay the rest of the day. Den’s dreaming of twins, and I’m just hoping for one to stick around! Having two in there…. makes me feel SO much more optimistic about this. One has GOT to stick. Please, please stick.

(We have been going over names for embryo #2. Lots were tossed out. I suggested “Turtle,” since it was slow going, and Den thinks Michaelangelo – of the Teenager Mutant Ninja Turtles – is appropriate…. or Tortoise, rather than Turtle. Because he said it’s more appropriate – the Tortoise and the Hare!)

We did not get a call with bad news today. I am waveringly optimistic about tomorrow – I could actually get a transfer! Just one, and I don’t know what grade it’s going to be, but at least we could get one!!

I’m still holding my breath, though. I’m fighting the urge to call and ask them to check on Murphy, just in case, and let me know how he’s doing. But like Den said… no news is good news.

I don’t think my poor belly could get any bigger without actually being pregnant. Boy am I bloated. I’ve always had a “pooch” of a stomach, but I could suck it in. Now even when I suck hard as I can I still have a rounded belly sticking out. Oh it is frightening.

And running? Out of the question. Not only because that would cause my boobs to flail about wildly (and painfully), but oh the ovaries! They are unhappy with me. Bouncing is their least favorite thing ever.

For amusement’s sake, I have done some drawings showing what may have been happening in that petri dish.

And for some other cases, like the ones who get totally lost.

I have named our embryo Murphy. We are fervently hoping he keeps dividing like a good little embryo. He may very well be the first embryo we’ve ever had.

I called and left a message asking for the doctor to call me back. I just wanted to know if they know WHY it happened. She just called me back.

I asked if they know the cause, and she said no… that there are many possible reasons, but that they may not ever know exactly what caused it in our case. She said sometimes it’s poor morphology or other sperm problems, but Den’s S/As were always perfectly normal. So she said they do think it’s probably the sperm’s fault, not the egg’s, but they really can’t say for sure. And I’m sure part of their opinion is due to me being 24, with presumably healthy eggs. (I keep telling Den that my eggs could just be bitches, though, and not be letting anyone in. I’ve always liked my alone time, you know.)

She said we will definitely benefit from ICSI next time. I asked if they ICSI all the eggs, and she said all of the mature ones. So that’s good to know. Next time we’ll hopefully have a much better fertilization report.

She also said that next time they might lower my dosage a bit… that they don’t need as huge a response as I got, and of course they don’t want to put me at risk of OHSS. And I totally understand that. I think I’ll just trust her lead on that one. She knows how to get the best result with the least amount of risk.

And of course she reminded me that we do have one normal fertilized embryo, and we will hopefully be having a transfer this weekend. She said she’ll be honest, that she doesn’t not real confident in the one… but that there’s always hope. To be perfectly honest I am really freaked out about having just one embryo. If there had been none fertilized of course it would be a more horrible shock… but now I’m feeling strung along. At any point it could die and crush me again. I’m just terrified. If there were a lot of eggs losing a few wouldn’t be such a big deal. But when there’s one, losing any is obviously a big deal. But I really really hope that our problem was only fertilization… and that since that one embryo made it past that point that it’ll grow and flourish… that it just needed a chance to get past that hurdle.

But you know what’s really scaring me right now? This was one of two insurance-covered IVFs. If this one doesn’t work, then we’ll do it again, with hopefully a better result… and get pregnant. But that’s the end of our insurance. We really want two children, and we always had insurance-covered cycles as backup. Yet again, we could run out of backups. I guess I really shouldn’t worry about that now. If we end up with one child and one child only, well at least we’ll have the one to dote on and love and spoil. And hell, it appears that one out of 24 eggs can fertilize. So maybe we’ll get pregnant with a micracle over the span of several years. Maybe. Or, more likely, we’ll switch to a different insurance with more benefits.

When I pick Den up we’ll have a long talk about where to go from here.

I got the call today. It’s sunny out, I’m feeling relatively good – a little bloating, but nothing else to complain about. Den and I were joking around this morning… he said he won’t feel okay until we get the fertilization report and he knows his sperm did their job. I laughed and said I’m hoping for 15. All we need is 6 to go to blast stage, we’ll have plenty. An average of 75% of eggs retrieved will fertilize. 75% of 24 is a really good number.

And this is one of those times when average means jack shit.

The nurse said I feel good, I told her yes I do. No complaints. Then she said the results weren’t what they’d hoped. My heart sank. I’m thinking 5? 10?

And she says, “One fertilized.”

My brain stopped thinking. She kept talking. She said she’s sorry. She said that there was absolutely no indication that this would happen… nothing wrong with the sperm yesterday at all. She said the doctor is glad we went straight to IVF, as any IUI would be a waste of a lot of time for us.

Of 24 eggs retrieved – a great response – we now have one single embryo sitting in a petri dish. If it makes it to saturday they’ll transfer it then, a day-3 transfer. If it makes it. There’s a pretty decent chance it’ll arrest before then.

I’m just devestated beyond words. Somehow I think I’m more upset than if everything had gone perfectly and still not gotten pregnant. All those eggs were our safety net. If we fell on the wrong side of the 50/50 this time, well, at least we’d have a bunch on ice. This time… whether or not we actually even make it to transfer, there will be no frozen egg transfers.

I guess next time we’ll be doing ICSI. I keep telling myself that. We’re not out of the game yet. We have one more cycle paid for by insurance (though we’ll have to come up with the money for all the meds), and we can do ICSI and hopefully get past this fertilization problem.

And we still have that one embryo. I’m hopeful and terrified all at once. This one could be our miracle baby. Or it could leave us with absolutely nothing.

This shirt is a must-have for my baby. Awesome!

We woke up at 6am with Den telling me to get out of bed and get in the shower with him, and that he wanted to leave by quarter to 7. It takes us half an hour to get the hospital and I was supposed to be there at 7:30… so I’m not really sure why he added so much time to his estimate, but probably “just to be safe”.

We got there with plenty of time to spare and went to the surgery center. I gave my name and she said I was supposed to be downstairs in the IVF unit… ah ha. Go down there, wander through to the end of the hallways like I was told, push through a curtain… and there was the whole retrieval suite. Wow, I didn’t even know that was there, lol! They immediately got me into a little curtained-off room, undressed and in one of those beds. I answered questions (“What’s your name? What’s your birthdate? Why are you here? You pass!”), signed some paperwork, and the nurse told me everything that was going to happen.

Then she went to do my IV. I had written on my paperwork and told her that last time it took four tries to get my IV started and she waved it off with a, “Oh that won’t happen this time. I’ll be doing your IV, and I have plenty of experience!” She was very nice, not snotty or anything. Just jovial. So she picked a vein on the side of my left hand, big pinch, etc etc. Then she says, “Hmm. I’m not sure I like that one.” She turned it on a little bit and asked, “Is this hurting?” It started to puff up a little bit. “Oh dear. It’s not supposed to do that. I don’t like that at all. I’m so sorry!” Apparently I have very small veins.

Luckily the second try worked and she taped it in and said she liked that one much better. So at least the success rate has gone up. But even after she taped it in place and left it was… twinging me. I could feel it tugging on my skin a little bit and it was just creeping me out something aweful. I am even more sure now that I DO NOT want an IV during labor. I know it doesn’t bother a lot of people – maybe even most people – but it bothers me to hell and back and I just do not want ANYTHING bothering me when I’m focussed on labor. I actually mentioned that to this nurse – or rather she overheard me tell Den “No IV during labor,” and she said that I’d have to have one anyways, for fluids, even if I didn’t want medication. We’ll see about that. I know people do manage to go through labor without one, and I intend to be one of those people, barring unfortunate circumstances. I do NOT like IVs.

I do however, love anesthesia. Sitting there waiting for my turn in the OR was the most annoying because my IV on my hand was bothering me and my stomach felt bloated (even though I just went to the bathroom), and there was nothing on the little TV. Plus of course the tension just from waiting and wanting to get on with it. But soon enough the anesthesiologist came in to check in with me, the embryologist came in to make sure we had signed egg freezing consent forms, and then the Dr came over to say I was ready to go. They helped me out of bed (with the IV in they had to carry that bag thing with me), I held the back of my “gown” closed, said goodbye to Den, and walked through some big doors. Then another door and into the operating room. They got me to sit and then lay down on the table/bed thing that was there, then the nurse wrapped me in warm towels (aahhhhhhh, so nice!!). I had to put my arms out to either side of me on the “wings” so that the anesthesiologist could put on the blood pressure cuff, finger clip thing, and then she put some stickies on my chest (for monitoring… something-or-another). They put an oxygen mask on me and the nurse kept babbling about Natalie Wood and how much she liked her and what a nice name it was. I, uncomfortable with the IV and the oxygen mask, was just hoping they sedated me really really quickly.

Next thing I know I’m back in my bed in the little recovery room, Den’s reading a paper beside me. I was groggy as heck. But, unlike with my lap I came out of it quickly. However later Den did tell me about a conversation I had with him after waking up that I do not remember, period point-blank. He also said that when I first started to stir my hand immediately went to the oxygen mask to touch it. I told him I didn’t like that damn thing – even heavily sedated I wanted it off. :lol:

So then the moment of truth. The nurse came in and told us that they had retrieved 24 eggs!! Wow!! I was thinking they’d get 15 or so, and I was really hoping I’d get closer to 20. But 24! We are both very excited by this… though Den said he’s not going to feel less anxious until we hear the fertilization results.

After I’d gotten up and successfully peed on the potty they took out my IV (YAY!) and let me get dressed. I was given instructions to take it easy and take pain meds if I felt I needed any (I still have the percocets left over from my lap – I only used 2 of them). I was also told that I’m okay to take advil/ibprofen until my egg transfer. They said some cramping is normal, same with a little bit of spotting, but if it becomes anything more than that to call the doctors right away. The Dr also spoke to me about OHSS… she confirmed that because of my age and response that I am at risk for it, so to definitely stay aware and let them know if I feel anything at all. She said even if we have a day 3 transfer, if I’m feeling a mild OHSS they’ll only put back one embryo regardless – and if I have moderate/severe OHSS they may have to cancel the transfer, freeze all the embryos, and wait until it goes away before doing a transfer. That would be a downer, but my health really is paramount. (OHSS goes away shortly when you’re not pregnant – but pregnancy can make it worse and last a lot longer.)

She said to expect a call around noon tomorrow to let us know how fertilization went, and to schedule our transfer. I guess if we have a good fertilization rate we’ll be going for a 5-day transfer (monday), if it’s not good it’ll be a 3-day (saturday). Fingers crossed that we get a great fert report and get scheduled for a monday transfer of one perfect little blast!!