Another queasy morning. I ate a bowl of cereal (rice crispies with strawberries in it) to settle everything. I’m starving though. All I want to do is eat. (Although I couldn’t finish my eggs I made. The first one was fine, the second one made me want to barf. And that, unfortuantely, is pretty much what happens EVERY time I eat scrambled eggs. Weird.)

7 days left. This is when it starts getting rough. Because all I want to do is know.

I’ve started planning out next cycle “just in case.” I don’t know if they’ll let me do another IVF cycle back-to-back, but either way we’re starting as soon as possible – we’ve already talked about it. And it’s funny because before we started this cycle Den was very much against doing anything right away. His concern was money, he sort of shrugged the concept off like, “We can’t just pull $1500 out of our ass.” Which I thought was rather… stupid… because this is important. We’ll find the money somehow. And it’s only $1500, not $15,000.

And now that we’ve done our first IVF? I think it was as soon as we found out that we had poor fertilization he decided he wanted to do another cycle right away (with ICSI this time, like they said). It’s like he didn’t really consider this one a “real” try because it had such big problems.

Now of course things have turned around considerably and we’re sitting in a much better position than we expected to after the bad news. I’m still just glowing with the knowledge that we got two embryos. But if this doesn’t work anyways, I definitely want to turn around and do it again. I’m not ready to give up yet. Especially now we know WHY we weren’t getting pregnant. In some ways this cycle may be our first chance at all.

Before our IVF cycle I had 18 cycles. 1 I was on birth control for (lap); 1 Den was away when I ovulated; and 2 we were either semi-avoiding or just plain not caring about timing. Three of them I was on clomid with 4 follicles each. So that gives us (11 unmedicated cycles x 1 egg) + (3 clomid cycles x 4 eggs). (And that’s being generous – those clomid cycles, I could have had less actual eggs release.) That’s 23 eggs total over the past 18 months that had sperm there waiting. So given our track record with fertilization we can guess that maybe 1 or 2 of them actually fertilized. That’s kind of crap odds, huh?

I’ve been busy… or trying to stay busy. Decided to learn to knit newborn hats. There’s some neat patterns I want to try, but right now are a little over-reaching my skill level. I’m starting small. Baby hats are so nice and small… nice little projects I can finish in a couple of days. And very hopefully useful objects, too. Though this first one I’m making, not so certain it’s going to work out.