Day 2
Most of that last blog post was written yesterday. So here’s today, after I’ve been sitting on this knowledge for two days now.
My mind is a crazy place right now. I’m excited, I’m relieved, I’m scared, I’m bewildered.
One moment I want to tell everyone, because that’s just what I do, and the next I think, oh gosh, maybe we should just keep it to ourselves for a little while. I’ve never even been in a position to make that decision, as friends and family always knew when we were doing IVF and would politely and hopefully inquire how it was going. It was always such a struggle to get that positive pregnancy test that I would shout it to the world with joy! This time no one knows. I called my mom to tell her and she was so shocked she dropped the phone and screamed! Okay, so that part’s kind of fun. Except I’m feeling just as shocked as anyone else – possibly moreso. So we could keep it to ourselves. But do we want to? We never have before. Also there’s that pesky little problem of me already feeling sick…
I have a strong feeling this pregnancy is healthy because I am already feeling nauseated. That was what tipped me off in the first place, and it’s getting stronger. Den remarked that if I hadn’t taken a pregnancy test it wouldn’t have been long before I knew something was up. If I hadn’t had two pregnancies already I probably would have thought I was sick, but it is just too familiar. I keep burping and then breathing through little fingers of nausea. I’m willing to bet that in a week I’ll be heaving over a toilet. Joy! (I mean that both honestly and sarcastically. Feeling sick is great, but also just so yucky.)
I missed out on all the preamble to pregnancy. I know this is how it normally works for people, but I always had a huge lead-up, all this other stuff going on. It’s like I got a “skip three squares” card without anyone telling me. I should feel overwhelmingly grateful for that, but I think I’m a little disappointed. I know that’s nuts. IVF is hard on your mind and hard on your body. I always skate the edge of over-stimming and the two week wait is hell. I know that. But… it was always part of the experience. It just feels so strange to have that completely missing.
On the other hand I’m already starting to remember how hard the first trimester was last time and wishing I could have just not known for another month or so. Yay, I’m pregnant! Now sit and wait for a week to see a nurse for intake, and then another week or two for an ultrasound. No betas this time around, I’m not under the care of anyone. There’s no way to check on what’s going on, no real feeling (other than the nausea – thank goodness for that). And I realize too clearly how common miscarriage is. Not to mention that I’m a tiny bit scared of another ectopic. I’ll feel a lot better once I get an ultrasound and know everything is there, in the right place. But then I’ll have to just wait around until my next ultrasound at first trimester screening at 12 weeks. I remember how hard the first trimester was with Kate, and I know this isn’t going to be easy.
But I have Kate. For one she’s an excellent diversion, especially since she had a low fever this morning and was absolutely miserable. She wants me to hold her, read books to her, and watch TV with her. Or she just wants to cry and yell at me and she’s not quite sure why. (It was a rough morning.) But also she’s this living reminder that things CAN go right. That first trimester was so so hard and every time I had spotting I thought I was losing her but here she is, running around my house shoving books into my hands and petting the kitties. It’s a lot easier to have trust in this process now that it’s actually been successful for us.
I definitely don’t have that immediate attachment to this little embryo like I did with Devin and Kate. Shock may have something to do with that. But also, Kate is my whole world and it’s really hard to picture me being pregnant, growing another baby, having another baby. My brain isn’t processing that yet. My love for Kate is so huge, how can anything else stand up to that? It will, of course, it will just take time.
I am feeling so incredibly blessed… by friends and the incredible outpouring of joy and excitement… by my family… and this statistical anomaly that makes us feel like we seriously just won the lottery. This is craziness in the most amazing way.
:D:D:D I can understand the bewilderment – this is not something any of us, especially you guys, had ever expected to happen spontaneously on it’s own.
I’m sitting here with a grin from ear to ear. This news more than makes up for the shitty week I’ve had so far haha. I hope you can get a screening soon to make sure everything is right where it should be.
*big big hug* to both you and Den and we’ll be sending good luck vibes your way. Here’s to another eight months of healthy pregnancy and a beautiful baby on the other end of it!!
Congratulations! I’ll be thinking of you :)
Freaking ace! Though I admit, I giggled to see you remember how bad the first trimester actually is this time – last time it was cute how it seemed to blindside you a tiny bit. Whatever the case… lots of yay, and will be thinking the mega-good thoughts for you all. <3
I’m truly buzzing for you today. Just so happy for you.
xo
I got pregnant 6 months after adopting our little girl. We had a long infertility history/treatment that I won’t go into. I still get a bit crazy when people comment about how we got pregnant after adopting. You know what, though, I got to experience being pregnant and had a beautiful baby boy, so I am happy to be in that club of people who got pregnant after. What a great club to be in, right?! Both my kids are miracles. I am still in shock about the pregnancy. We even joked about it, and I did not take a test for a long time. I remember the day I took that pregnancy test like it was yesterday. I NEVER thought I would be surprised by a pregnancy. Of course, like you, I was freaking out. We didn’t go public until I was around 14 weeks along. It was soooooo much fun to tell people! I AM SO EXCITED FOR YOU…..EMBRACE THE JOY AS MUCH AS YOU CAN.
OMG! wow! Congratulations. I’m psyched for ya’ll.
Oh yes, and the husband and my mother-in-law reminded me that she had both her baby boys after having a fallopian tube removed (cysts), so… definitely possible, but still mega-yay.
Just fyi ..most OBs will gladly call in an order for a beta (and re-check 48 hours later) if you call and request. I’m way too analytical to not have the info …I always make them run progesterone with the betas too. It also usually gets you a sneak peek early u/s too …once the beta is high enough.
=) That’s all I have to say.
Congratulations! I’ll suggest that you call you re and ask for a beta — mine did for me when I got a surprise pregnancy since I was already a patient.
I totally would… except I’m not a patient yet. I haven’t seen them since I got pregnant with Kate!
Still so excited for you! I hope you can get a beta, but I wouldn’t count on it, since you’re not currently seeing the RE. Regular OBs/midwives always seem oddly laid-back about it all, like “just call me when you’re 8-12 weeks along.”
But anyway, I hope it all continues to go well. I see what you mean about all the buildup and waiting/hoping being part of the process, and it’s weird to miss it.
Oh…I am sososo excited to hear this. I can imagine how freaking crazy it must feel….but I am soooo happy. And…I have seen the spontaneous pregnancy after fertility several times…I think it is GREAT..and has nothing to do with relaxation…it is all odds…if they say you have a 1-5% chance of conceiving on your own…it just takes a really really long time to hit that odd! So…when we did IVF for #1 and then embryo adoption for #2…we were done and wanted to be done….so…I got my tubes tied just because I was afraid this might happen to me :-). so…enjoy..enjoy..enjoy….how totally awesome that you hit the jackpot!!!! Congrats and I will put all the healthy pregnancy vibes I have out there for you.
Kd
WOW! Congratulations! Boy, seeing that HPT stirred up so many emotions — the biggest one being hope as I strained to see that first line and then confirmed it on the second test. Wow. What an overwhelming surprise! I wish you just enough nausea to stay confident that all is well until you have other signs (without it getting bad like it was last time!).
man, oh man. congratulations!! i’m blown away!
i don’t know if you can handle not knowing, but my assvice is to stay away from betas…i’ve had 4 pregnancies and 1 healthy baby, and on my recent one I decided no early monitoring..i was much better off. it wasn’t easy, but i let my symptoms do the reassuring.
I’m pretty sure that’s what I’m going to do this time. Every test I got with Kate only reassured me slightly and gave me more to worry and obsess over. This time I’m just going to try to divert myself and let it be.
I’ve done it both ways, and I do tend to obsess. But I realized no matter what the numbers say or do not say, it doesn’t change the outcome. I’ve had perfectly rising betas and bad outcomes. So I made myself a promise. Having a toddler helps keep your mind off it, until the extreme exhaustion, sickness and fatigue set in. You’ll need all the help you can get when that happens! So amazed for you!
I am SO HAPPY for you. Seriously brings tears to my eyes! What a suprise!
Xxo
I can’t imagine how you feel, because I think my mind is gonna be blown for you for like the next 6 months lol
You’ll have to tell us more about the soy stuff eventually (if you haven’t already, I’ve been lurking but might have missed a few posts here and there)… I’m kind of curious about it for when we TTC.
If anyone deserves to win this lottery, it’s you & your family. Bewilderment is totally understandable. I’m just so happy for you!!!