When life hands you lemons, take a pregnancy test
I really hate that feeling when I’m nearing the end of a cycle and my mind starts getting a little out of control. As many times as I have done this I still sometimes find myself thinking about what it would be like to get a positive pregnancy test, to tell people, to be surprised. It irritates the hell out of me that I can’t turn that part of my brain off. This month was a giant mess, anyways; I have no idea when I ovulated, if I even did. Normally I can pinpoint it to the day, if not the hour – without any fancy tests. My body tells me. This time, not so much. I know I had a long fertile period, that’s all I know. Last month I took soy isoflavone pills. It’s supposed to act on your estrogen levels, kind of like clomid. I took it days 5-9 last month and felt like SHIT from day 5 until my period arrived. I was bloated, I was cranky, I was just not a happy person. I didn’t take them again this month but I still was feeling my ovaries and I was worrying that I’d gotten some cysts or something. Which would be just awesome.
Now Kate’s sick, I’m feeling slightly queasy, and my mind is going places I’d really rather it not. So just to shut it up I pulled out one of my old boxes of pregnancy tests. They’re expired, but whatever. So it’s negative, of course, although if I cross my eyes and squint I can sort of see an indent where the line should be. In the trash it goes. At least I can let it go.
I have a habit of pulling them back out of the trash, which I did about 15 minutes later. And there’s something there. A faint, faint shadow. Oh fucking hell, an evap? Really? I berated myself for using an expired test and looking at it again well after the 10 minute mark. There’s a reason they say not to do that, and clearly this is it. But my mind is working all night and I couldn’t sleep.
I bought a new box of tests to use to set my mind at ease. First thing in the morning I use one and wait for it to come up negative. Except there’s a faint fucking line. I just stood there, tilting it in the light. I’m not crazy. There’s something there. It’s so so faint. But I’ve had a lot of negative tests in my life… and this was not negative.
I shot an email to my best friend describing the situation and a big “WHAT THE FUCK?!”
I still don’t even know what to say or think or do. It’s been all day and I’ve just been walking around with that thing in my purse. I feel entirely unprepared for this. I was all set for my FET in December, IVF in January if that didn’t work. I was excited about it. I liked the timing of a fall baby. It was all good. This? This is entirely outside of my realm of understanding. Of all the things in the world to expect, I would expect our house to get hit by LIGHTNING before I expected to get pregnant. I take tests just to prove I’m not pregnant so I can go back to sleep. I am gobsmacked.
I have to admit, there is a part of me that did not WANT to ever get pregnant on my own simply because oh I know what people will say. “I told you to just relax!” I don’t know how I’m going to avoid shouting at people. I said over and over and over again how big our problems were, how IVF was needed, how I’d never get pregnant. “I knew a person who had a baby and got pregnant right away!” I do NOT want to be that person… I don’t want people to think that infertility isn’t very much real.
I think this is a case of the incredibly small odds finally landing in our favor. The soy probably helped, too.
I don’t want it to sound like I’m not happy – I am. This is insanely amazing. If this actually develops and becomes a healthy pregnancy with a healthy baby I will be absolutely thrilled. But right now I’m still working on picking my jaw up off the floor.
::
Monday morning: another test, another – darker – line.
Hooolllyyy shiiiiiit.
Judging by when I might have ovulated and how light the tests are I think I’m only about 4 weeks right now, which would put my due date right on Kate’s birthday, May 22. I’ll have to convince them to do a dating ultrasound though because I most definitely ovulated like a week or two late. I’ve never not known exactly when I ovulated… it’s so bizarre. I feel so unprepared for this!
OMG!!!!! I’ve been following your journal on OLU since shortly before you lost Devin. This is CRAZY but huge congrats! You’re the second person I’ve known this to happen too. And she wasn’t so happy to hear the “I told you so’s” either, but you know what??? She got a baby, and that’s all that matters. Her first was via IVF after MANY failed cycled and FET’s. But she has endo, which is more commonly ‘cured’ with a pregnancy. WEEEE….so happy for you!!!!
OMG!!! Holy crap! I hope the news continues to go well!
Coming from someone in the 7th month of a VERY surprise pregnancy ….holy crap Congratulations!!! I seriously never thought I’d be the person getting my tubes tied …but ..here we go! It happens.
Now go get your beta, girlie!
Holy crap!! So freaking happy for you! I really hope this is a sticky baby for you guys!
I’m sorry, but I looked at that second picture and then your blog title in my reader and I just keep giggling *g*. Congratulations, and OMG holy crap congratulations!
Holy shit!!!! Congrats! Am so thrilled for you. THRILLED!!! I was pregnant along with you for Kate; can’t wait to follow your journey again. Amazing!
OMG, Wow! I so wasn’t expecting that! Congratulations!!
You know, as I start TTC #2 there’s a part of me that doesn’t want it to be too easy, because then I’ll be one of Them. But all told, it’s better than dealing with fertility treatments again.
Hope all continues to go well!
I think part of it for me is that the fertility treatments never really bothered me, I was actually kind of looking forward to going back. I think I’m almost disappointed I won’t get to see the nurses and do IVF one more time. Does that make me a freak? LOL I’m so weird.
No, as another infertile, I understand. There’s this whole thing about charting your progress, predicting when the retrieval will be (if you are not doing an FET), counting the follicles.
Also, I think most infertiles will cheer you on. I am always beyond thrilled to hear when the odds get turned upside down and someone gets pregnant without needing the whole treatment thing.
Congratulations! I will keep my fingers crossed for you that this is a viable pregnancy and Kate will get a beautiful sibling out of this!
I was pregnant with you and Kate for my second son and have been reading since. My husband and I have been debating the insanity of a vasectomy…cause, hahaha.
But… :) maybe we are so relaxed these days ;).
I giggled happily reading this news for you. How gleeful! Here’s hoping each moment is more joyful news!
Oh man! Sending lots of love and support and understanding the confusion. For me I WAS afraid of being more fertile post pregnancy bc it stops the vicious Pcos cycle for a bit and allows your body to normalize some for a year or so. But try explaining that to others. They think you “just relaxed” after having one. Cause yeah. Having a baby is just so relaxing.
Sending love!!
I have a friend who has two children just 15 months apart because they told her that she was more likely to get struck by lightning than to get pregnant by herself. There may be something to the thought that sometimes the hormones of pregnancy can straighten out past difficulties. Congrats on your lightning strike!
Holy cats! Wonderful news!
Wow! Congratulations :). Sending you lots of sticky thoughts!
Whoa!!! I was totally not expecting that.
You deserved a break, I’m glad that you got it, who cares if it’s cause you relaxed or took some pills or maybe pregnancy ‘cures’ some types of IF… who knows. Congrats again!
Wow! Yay!
I just shrieked “WHAT?!?!?” at my computer screen. OMFG! Nat! augh! unexpected baby is unexpected! and awesome!
{{HUGE HUGS}}
“unexpected baby is unexpected!” – LMAO I love that Kate! **HUGS!**
Kate, I just did the same thing!
HOORAY for the unexpected!
Oh my goodness, simply wonderful news. I can totally appreciate why you’re feeling the way you are. I think I would be exactly the same, if I were in your shoes. Like you, I just hope this turns out to be a very healthy pregnancy with a very happy/healthy take-home baby at the end of it all. You deserve so much happiness.
Look forward to following your story in the months to come. Now it is time to try and relax :)
Hahahaha Nat, you guys REALLY should play the frigging lottery. Congratulations! :)
Waaaat? Sheesh, I don’t check my internet and I miss this?? Argh! CONGRATS!!!
And now I am going to read your post, cause all I did was see pictures ;)
WOW! Delurking to say….That is crazy awesome!!! Congrats! I’ve been reading your blog since you first started IVF. Sending positive vibes to you and your bun in the oven.
Holy crap, Nat!!
You are now going to have to change the title of your blog!! Just kidding of course. I hear you on that one.
Let me just tell you that my first IVF was a breeze, I hardly remember it. And we got 2 healthy baby boys out of it. 4 years later I am doing IVF and it’s a whole nother ball of wax. I am hating every freaking step of it and am hopped up on hormones and completely miserable. I would give ANYTHING to have had a pregnancy happen naturally.
I think the universe owed you this. I am thrilled for you.
Congrats!
Carrie
I’m reading this on my lunch break while pumping and I can’t stop crying happy tears for you! This has absolutely MADE MY DAY. I am so thrilled! and excited! and overjoyed! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
OMG! I have no idea how I missed this! Congrats :)
Amazing! Congratulations!
I came to read and had a funny feeling you were pregnant, I was drawn to come read your blog, it has been a while. I am thrilled to see amazing news and hope it all works out well for you. You deserve it!
I was opposite, convinced we would be the couple to get pregnant easily after IVF (other than a clotting disorder we have unexplained infertility) We tried for about 5 months on our own before trying a FET in the Spring that didn’t work out. Just finished IVF #2 after trying a few more months on our own after the FET, and it was a negative too.
Seeing news like this gives me hope that maybe one day even if FET’s don’t work, we could have a surprise second baby.
Of course, less than a month after I leave this comment, I discover, I too am surprisingly, unexpectedly pregnant! In an in-between treatment cycle (and I drank some soy protein drink, from ovulation day to present) I think that soy is a pretty amazing thing.
All of the emotions and feeling you describe are exactly it.
Amazing!
OMG OMG OMG – I haven’t read your posts for the last couple of weeks as I was at Burning Man – and now I return to this?!?!? OMG! It looks like I have some catching up to do!
I’ve been following you for years now…. and this is just unbelieveably exciting. I am so happy for you! Esctatic in fact!
Oh wow! What a surprise!
Wow, what a wonderful surprise. Big congrats!!!
I’ve been watching your blog… one of those friend of a friend connections and WOW… I wasn’t expecting a positive pregnancy test. Wasn’t really sure you were trying for more…
Anyways, I love how on edge this journal made me… I’d love to have just that surprise as you did. Congratulations!!
Woohoo and OMG and how fantastic!
Congrats!
This is such wonderful news! Congrats!
Oh my word!!!! Congratulations!!!!
Excuse my language but HOLY SHIT OMG OMG OMG this is crazy but I am so happy for you!!! Like insanely happy! Like bouncing over the moon for you! And Den too of course lol
What wonderful news!!! I’m very happy for you!!! Seriously, reading this completely made my week.
O M G!!!!
That is such wonderful news and all on your own. THat is fantastic!!!! I am so happy for you…after everything you have been through you so deserve this! Heres to you and your wonderful expanding family!!!
AMAZING news! Congratulations!
I read regularly and wanted to comment how happy I am for you…. I get the whole disappointment in not doing reproductive tx. :)
I’m so excited for you!!! Congratulations!!!
A little behind on the times I am =) But hello!! Big congrats to you guys!
I gave birth to our own surprise baby this past July (my fertility issues are PCOS and used clomid/metformin to get pregnant with my last 2 DD’s. needless to say when I pee’d on a stick one day last Nov and it was + I was shocked- no drugs, nothing but a big fat surprise baby) He is now almost 3mths old and adored by his 3 big sisters.
Surprises are the best.
WHOA! I’m catching up on my blog reading and just about fell over, even though I was in bed, catching up on your posts from the past few weeks. CONGRATULATIONS!!! (I’ve been reading for a long time with the occasional comment. My daughter (IVF#1) was born just a few months before Devin and my son (IVF#2 after failed FET) is just a few months younger than Kate.) I totally understand not wanting to be the story that other people tell about the person they know who got pregnant unassisted after IVF (my mother likes telling me these stories). But it is freaking awesome when it does happen. ;) Hey, for once you’re on the right side of the odds, right? So, so, SO happy for you.