Sleep Fail
I give up. I utterly give up. The last two nights I have been laying in Kate’s bed in the dark for an hour and a half trying to get her to fall back asleep. She wiggles, she cries, she tries crawling away from me, she tries crawling on to me – tonight she actually did fall asleep draped across my chest and neck, but that so does NOT work for me. I’d do the usual waiting until she was asleep and limp and then I’d get up to leave… and her head would snap up. I supposed I could have waited even longer to leave but I’d already been in there for a fucking hour.
This is not working. This is NOT working. It was working, once. We were making minuscule steps forward. And now we’re just heading in the absolute wrong direction. She’s not getting sleep, I’m not getting any time to myself, and I’m just realizing that this needs to change.
So this weekend we’re bringing in the crib, and she’s going to learn to fall asleep without me. I have no idea what that’s going to take, but I imagine no matter what we do there is going to be crying since me trying to put her beside me instead of on top of me causes her to sit up crying.
I took her in the bedroom tonight sniffling and crying because I knew it was the last time I was going to lay down and cuddle her to sleep (at least in normal circumstances). By midnight I was crying just out of frustration.
I wanted this to work. I wanted to be all cool and not use a crib, to cosleep and seamlessly transition to her own room and end up with a kid that sleeps as well as anyone. I want to continue to cosleep half the night. But clearly none of that is actually working out. I know part of being a parent is flying by the seat of your pants and adjusting your expectations. But damn it hurts.
Have daddy be the one to lie down with her for a few nights.
Try not to beat yourself up about it Nat,honestly,being a mother is soo hard sometimes.Ive learned that you can plan and control almost everything in your life,but being a parent is just messy…hardly anything goes to plan,rutines are never really rutines,and staying on schedule is almost impossible,because you are depending on the cooperation of a child…
Kate may well have a few difficult nights now,but just keep in mind that you are going to be doing this for her own sake (so she gets an aceptable amount of uninterupted sleep) and for your own sanity :)
Just in case its because you think a 10month old *should* be sleeping all night,Noe still doesnt sleep through the night either,and she´s 3!,some just dont for the longest time :/
Im going to admit that Im a little tired of talking to other mothers and being told how amazing and perfect their little robots are..they sleep all night,they eat perfectly,they never cry,they´re independant etc etc,to me it sounds more like a “my kid is better than your kid” competition..I dont doubt that some babies/toddlers are like that,but why do they all make it sound like your kid is the only kid that isnt doing all this? kwim?
Its very hard not to self doubt and question your own parenting,when no one dares to mention the (insert scary music here) down sides lol.It just makes it look like you are doing everything wrong when all they talk about is the fantasy,the peachy coloured,strawberry tasted,cotton candy textured aspect of being a mother.There is a reason 90% of moms drink wine every night lol ;)
You´re doing fine Nat,honestly,and kate will be fine.If what you do works,you can hop on a plane and come here to help me out with Noelia.I want my bedroom,my bed,my boobs and my nights back!! lol
Agreed. My 3 yo just recently started sleeping through the night consistently and in her own bed. And by recently I mean within the past two weeks. Do what you need to do for you, your daughter and your family, period.
My son (22 mos) has been a crappy sleeper his entire life. We sleep trained at 8 months after he slept all of 4 hours one night and we sleep trained again at 11 months and 15 months when his sleeping fell apart. Most recently (at 20 months) we did the sleeping lady shuffle. Have you tried that? I like that approach as it teaches them security and to trust that you are there. Maybe Kate’s old enough for you to try that! Good luck; I sympathize with you!
Good luck working on the sleeping. Do what works for you both. You both deserve to have a good night’s sleep. You won’t know if you can have better sleep with the crib until you really give it a try.
Everything is phases. This phase shall pass. :-) Good luck!
I battle sleep almost nightly with my almost-8 month old. Last night, after the 6th night in a row of being up for over an hour in the middle of the night, I decided to try the sleep lady shuffle. The no-cry sleep solution worked for awhile, but now, he’s just gotten *too* used to the new routines. We had one great night, where he slept soundly from 8:00pm to 5:30am, had a quick bottle, and was back to sleep by 5:45am. I have no idea how it happened, or why it can’t seem to happen again. :(
Sleep has been the hardest parenting challenge I have faced. Still! (My three year old just quit naps cold turkey. Pffft.) Don’t beat yourself up – kids have their own ideas. You are doing the right thing, trying other options!
I’ve got two little kids (and one teenager, but let’s leave him out of it). I’ve taken the same approach to sleep issues with both of them. However:
The two-year-old still will not fall asleep unless I’m sitting next to him. If I leave the room he cries and screams until I come back.
On the other hand, every night since she was, oh, maybe three months old, I’ve put the just-turned-one-year-old down in her crib, turned out the light and 15 minutes later she’s asleep, no crying at all.
My point being: some kids are more, um, challenging on sleep issues than others.
Don’t be too hard on yourself.
I could have written this post when our guy was 8 months old. And then again at 13 months. And again at 18 months. He has similar sleep patterns to your cutie and they just go through cycles I think. We are often at a place where we’re very happy with our part time (more significant parts than not, usually) bedsharing, but at times, when we spend hours trying to get 5 minutes without a kid in our bed, when every time we move he lifts his head, it gets intolerably frustrating. It’s hard. But he ALWAYS goes back to better sleeping eventually and although it’s still not a “lay him in his bed at night, leave, and get him in the morning” thing with us, we have had gradual improvement. Many nights he now sleeps in his own bed for up to 4-5 hours after one of us laying with him for maybe 10-15 minutes until he falls asleep. Then he gets out of bed, opens his door, walks to our room and asks “up” and is with us until morning. We don’t mind it much (only concern now is if/when baby#2 arrives how that will affect him and us and our routine).
I will say that we tried numerous methods of “sleep training” (a term I abhor), several times and it just didn’t work with his temperament, but hopefully whatever methods you try work. If they don’t though, you’re not alone, you’ll get through it, and she will improve, even if she continues to have regressions.
Hang in there!
♥
It definitely does. And we go in with our own expectations, but not everything works for every baby. I’m sorry this isn’t working for you. :(
Not your fault. NOT YOUR FAULT. Some kids are good seamless sleepers. Some are not. You got the not.
All you can do is find something that works most times for your family.
Hugs, sweetie. You’re doing the best you can.
xoxo
I am a 100% CIO advocate. We did it with our daughter at 5.5 months and she has done great.
I think I read that you are NOT for CIO, but if you consider it, email me (alyssa.gavinski@gmail.com) and I can send you a step by step thing I followed for CIO.
I think kids are so different. For the parents who are 100% CIO (like Alyssa), I think maybe you just got the kid it worked for. I know so many people who tell me they did CIO, and they’re talking 15, 30 minutes. It would never have worked for my J. And you will discover what works for Kate, and maybe nothing will ever make her a great sleeper. But you’ll do what works for now, and then if you need to revise your plan later, keep revising.
What do you mean when you say “they’re talking 15, 30 minutes”? Do you mean the length of time their child cried for and it still didn’t get them to sleep?
You’re doing a good job.
I know how you feel; my son is four weeks older than Kate. Being a Mama is so rewarding and so difficult, all at once. Don’t question yourself. Follow your instincts, adjust your path when it’s not working, and take one minute/hour/day at a time.
This WILL get better. You are not to blame. Be patient, be loving, and do your best. It will be enough.
it’s hard for everyone. We’re going through a diffcilut time with my 15 mo, who has slept on his own pretty much forever. (though lots of gas issues weeks 4-9 that were awful for his sleep.) he’s always one to cry out in the mdidle of the night for a minute or two, but he always went back to sleep without needing anything, just what he does during his sleep cycles. After a string of illnesses the last month, which had him up and then in our bed frequently (always bring sick kids in bed with me, never let them cry at all when they are sick), he now is waking up in the middle of the night, wanting us to come to him, and then just crying for 30-60 minutes, no matter what we do (hold him, put him in our bed, put him back in his crib). Pediatrician said we needed to sleep train, and that it was really hard at this age. ugh, I’ve never had to let my kids cry, I started teaching them to sleep on their own at 3 weeks (baby whisperer) specifically so i could avoid every having to let them cry. Plus he shares a room with his brother, so we’ll have to move him in with us.
You know,I seriously serioulsy think there should be a place (forum or whatever) where moms can get together and talk about the more difficult and not so fun parts of being a parent.Im being 100% serious here,because we bump into people with perfect little angels all the freakin time ;),so its extremely refreshing and theraputic to come across someone who is having a hard time.
I find that when you are able to chat with others about all these phases and bumps in the road,you handle them way better because it makes them feel more normal..to be expected even.As you can see,we all have these problems,so you should never ever think: “Oh shit,this is so friggin hard! What am I doing wrong!!??”..dont beat yourself up about something you really dont have any way of controlling.
Now someone go make that forum!! lol
TheBump.com – Enjoy :)
http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/default.aspx?GroupID=31
There’s the Parenting section of Band Back Together: http://www.bandbacktogether.com/
And if you just want to rant, there’s Mushroom Printing:
http://www.mushroomprinting.com/
Both by Aunt Becky of Mommy Wants Vodka.
There’s also some other bloggers out there who aren’t afraid to tell it like it is. I’m not going to link them all up here, but click through to my blog and check out Motherhood WTF, Mompetition, Mommy Is Teething (who’s been MIA for a few months, but worth reading the archives), Because Motherhood Sucks, and really MOST of the links I keep on my blogroll.
I don’t read as regularly as I should to keep up but these are a few things that I tried with Kathleen while fighting her sleeping issues.
Lullabies playing softly all night long. Downside – learns to sleep with noise around and can’t sleep with out it.
Never get on the bed with her. It wont’ be so simple for you as you breastfeed. I always sat on the floor and leaned over the side of the mattress and held her her bottle. Possible alternatives for you. Breastfeed her in a rocking chair getting her mostly to sleep, lay her down, sit on the floor beside her until she gets drowsy.
The biggest problem with my methods getting Kathleen to sleep is that up until she was nearly 3 I had to pretty much be there for her to fall asleep. Which Totally sucked as I had to deal with her after feeding Sammi. It was it’s own trial getting her to do it all alone.
Kathleen didn’t start sleeping through the night until she was 4 or so. And we still don’t have 100% of our nights quiet.
I really hope you can find a solution that works for the lot of you, It’s one of many hurdles we have to go thru lol
Co sleeping can come back some too. This doesn’t mean it’s over forever. And it is Soooo hard.
Ahhh…sleep…it is such a hot button depending on how you approach it and who you talk to. I thought I was a non-cosleeper until my 2nd baby was born…and then she really only nursed well in the sidelying position so I ended up nursing her that way at night and then just snuggling her and I was suprised how much I loved it….but it was short lived for us…I just couldn’t really sleep deeply with her because I heard and felt every little sound and move and just really scared I would roll over on her. But…i totally understand that closeness and how awsome it is…now we do morning snuggles in the bed and it is great.
But…co-sleeping aside…every kid is just different. Our son was a rockstar sleeper in his own bed for 10-12 hours a night from 9 weeks old….but…just like Kate, teething sort of messed that up for him and we had about 3 months of really bad sleep and I had to resort to sleep training. It was awful, but short lived….he cried, I cried, my husband hid that he was crying (tough guy my butt)….anyway…three nights and we were back on track…but I warn you….sleep training is not a one shot deal…after every cold, every new tooth or every vacation…we would have to do a tune up. It wasn’t fun either, but usually only one night’s worth. So…I wish you luck…I hope you find a way to make it work for everyone….my greatest suggestion….get a video monitor! It allowed me to see him and know that his cries were not the result of entrapment or something so that I didnt’ rush in there every 2 minutes for fear he was actually hurt. I could actually wait out the 10 minutes, go in…tell him it was night night time, lay him down and walk away. I would then watch as he popped back up…screamed even more and broke my heart…but I knew he was safe. And then once he did fall asleep….i didn’t have to risk waking him to check and make sure he didn’t die from the crying. Believe me…if it hadn’t been for that monitor…he would still be up every night several times and he is 3 now…
hugs,
kd