Worst mother award
So. We tried CIO. The past few nights I have tried to do all my usual tricks to get her to sleep and nothing was working and there was a lot of crying. I figured if she’s going to cry and not sleep for hours at a time while she’s in my arms I might as well try the crib. What really broke me was naps going to hell too. After several days and nights of that I was being a bitch and I found myself getting angry at Kate during the day. That’s not good, not at all. I kept thinking, what the hell am I doing? She’s getting worse and worse, and here my friends babies are sleeping just fine. No I have no illusions that Kate will miraculously sleep through the night, but maybe she would learn to fall asleep on her own, maybe she would just get better and start sleeping. I hear it everywhere, over and over again: you have to let them cry it out for them to learn. Den and I agreed to give it a shot.
It. Was. Awful. I figured she’d cry/scream for a while (1 hour of screaming, then 1 and a half hours of tired whimpering as she dozed off presumably sitting up, then woke up crying again), but then she’d fall asleep. What I did not foresee was her waking back up an hour later, screaming more, and so on throughout the night. Awful doesn’t even begin to describe it. I wanted to climb out of my skin. I did cry, a lot. We didn’t want to give up, we wanted to stick it out and see if it would work.
But. I layed there thinking, again, “What the hell am I doing?” It felt so wrong. I have parenting this child by instinct from the start, always doing what I felt was right. I have read her cues, I have listened to her, I have followed my heart. And this went against all of it. It didn’t feel like I was teaching her, it felt like I was punishing her. All I kept thinking was, what is she thinking right now? She’s confused, she’s beyond tired, she’s upset, she’s scared. She doesn’t know why mommy isn’t here. And the thing is, I have slept with her for 10 months. That’s not her fault she needs me.
I didn’t make a decision in the dark of night while she cried. But when I got up in the morning and felt as terrible as I did at 3am, and when I thought and thought about it for hours, then I made a decision. It is not important enough to me to do this. Even if she does end up getting used to it and sleeping in her crib, I don’t think I can be okay with myself for making that decision. It’s not right for me.
We are going to continue to make changes and work on her sleep, but we’re going to do it my way – for good or ill. Maybe I’ll screw it up, maybe in 3 months I’ll wish I had done something different. But unfortunately all I have is the here and now so this is what I’m going with.
We did put the crib in her room and I’ve decided to continue to use it. Kate has gotten to the point where when I lay down with her she doesn’t want to be forced to lay down and she’s constantly climbing on me and trying to walk off. It’s not a safety thing – her room is baby safe and the mattress is directly on the floor – but when she can wander off and pull things off shelves and play with her diapers and climb on me and on and off the mattress it really doesn’t matter how long I wait, she does not sleep. Plus the getting climbed on and smacked in the head gets really old at midnight. If I try pinning her down to sleep that doesn’t teach her anything and it makes her wicked pissed. So. With her in the crib she gets to move around – within reason. She has a few quiet toys in there (a mirror, a taggies blanket, a stuffed animal, a crib piano). The futon mattress is right in front of the crib. So we’re going to use the crib, but I’m going to be laying right beside her.
Nap #1 today I tried to comfort her without letting her hold my hand. When she’d lay down on my hand I’d remove it, and she’d just start crying all over again. I ended up having to take her for a long stroller walk to get her to sleep, I didn’t want to keep trying and failing. Naps are so hard – if she doesn’t get one then I know bedtime will be that much harder. Nap #2 I let her put her head on my hand. It did take her half an hour of walking around her crib playing with toys and a little bit of confused crying, but she finally layed herself down and fell asleep. Yes this still uses me as a lovie, we’ll work on that, but it accomplishes two very important things: she layed herself down, and she’s sleeping in the crib. That’s pretty major for us here. And I actually think it was less stressful than the days when I have literally wrestled her down to force her to sleep.
We’ll see how tonight goes.
Curious why you have toys in the crib at all? I understand having one stuffy OR blanket for comfort but to have a mirror, blanket, animal, AND piano? Seems like too much and seems like it would cause distractions?
PS. I want to say I am proud of you for trying CIO. I hope you find what works for you. Also, I am very glad she’s in a crib.
(sorry for so many comments)
I know you didn’t ask for it, but I’m going to post this for you one last time. It is how we did CIO for my daughter at 5.5 months (written a year ago).
(And I wanted to remind you that it’s important to be consistent with whatever you choose. If CIO didn’t “work” the first night, that is to be expected. It took 3-4 nights of CIO for it to work for my daughter.)
1. I took away her paci. I think this is key, because it had become a sleep prop where she absolutely needed it to fall asleep. We gave her a winnie the pooh stuffy/blanky thing for her to cuddle, hold, etc. Books I read say this isn’t a sleep prop but is rather a “transitional” object. Like, we have pillows and blankets to help us fall to sleep comfortably.
2. Not picking her up. Some people (not Ferber) say to pick up till they stop crying and then put them back down. This seems weird to me. She got visibly angry when she realized we werent going to pick her up, and for a few days, she cried everytime we neared her room. But she’s gotten so much better, and doesn’t cry at ALL anymore.
3. We used the Ferber idea of intervals. The first night, we went in after 3 minutes of crying, then 5 minutes, then 7 minutes (it took about five additional 7 minute intervals of full out crying to get her to sleep that first night). The second night moved to 5, 7, 10 minutes. The third night was 7, 10, 12 minutes. Etc. The intervals are slightly different than in the book, but Ferber says to do what feels right and that’s what worked for us.
4. At night time, we let her CIO / fuss as long as it took for her to fall asleep.
5. In the middle of the night, we didn’t go in immediately upon her crying, we just started over with the intervals. Sometimes she fell back asleep before we even had to go in. Sometimes she didnt fall asleep. If she was still fussing/crying at 6 am, we got her up to start the day even though it’s earlier than usual.
6. For naps, we use the same intervals. This is where we used a second CIO method (not ferber) for naps. She says to let them fuss/CIO for 1 hr 10 minutes. If they havent fallen asleep by then, take a break and pick them up for 20-30 minutes, giving a bottle if necessary. Then try again. If they havent fallen asleep after ANOTHER 1 hr 10 minutes, it’s a “nap emergency” and you are to take them for a stroller or car ride to get them to fall asleep since they need sleep. We never had to do this. She fell asleep some time in the second 1 hr 10 minute wait.
7. If she woke up in the middle of a nap (i.e. after anything under one hour), we waited for, again, the same intervals. If after 25-30 minutes she still wasnt asleep, we ended that nap, and moved up her next naptime to earlier.
Do whatever works for you. I absolutely sympathise, because CIO never worked for us either, and believe me, we tried. I think some babies will respond to it, some wont. Keep doing whatever feels right to you. You have my full support, and not one ounce of judgement or advice.
xo
*HUGS*
Like PP, we did a modified CIO, though we couldn’t use the shorter (a la Ferber) intervals, we had to do longer ones. (Shorter ones just pissed n off like CRAZY.) After half an hour, we’d go in and rub her back. If she cried another half an hour, we went in with a bottle and fed her and rocked her. She only made it to an hour twice, and both times, she was so exhausted from crying, that when we gave her milk, she passed right out. It took 2 or 3 nights. It sucked, but it worked.
That having been said, not everything works for every family, and you have to do what’s right for you guys. And what you’re doing IS right – because it’s what’s best for you. That’s all we can do at any given time, is our best given the situation. Much love to you guys, and I hope the sleep improves.
Delurking to say hang in there. i am a mom of two (boy and girl) who we have parented exactly the same who are completely different sleepers. With our son (who is now four and sleeps fine) it wasn’t until he was almost two and in his own bed that he started to sleep through consistently.
I don’t have much advice for the nights because we are not a CIO family and our motto is to cope and just get sleep (however we may). As for naps, when we struggled it really helped to identify routine nap times – ie the EXACT same time everyday. Initally we would do whatever it took to get our kids to nap at that time – drive, stroller, moby, etc. once they were used to sleeping at that time (after a week or two) it became much easier to get them to sleep in their cribs. Not sure if it will work, but it’s worth a shot.
Most of all (easy for me to say i know, my kids are two and four and sleep) but try to remind yourself that this too will pass and that it really is only a phase. I really believe that Kate can sense when you’re upset and I imagine that makes the whole thing worse….
The interval method worked great for.us too. She was up multiple times each night in beginning but those tough few days /weeks of training paid off and now she religiously sleeps 12-14 each night w a 2-3 hour daily nap each day. Just like anything else you’ll teach her like manners, reading, potty training etc you have to actually teach them how to sleep and self soothe and it sounds like you’re on your way to tying anything to make it work. Make innervals smaller if that makes u more comfortable. Email me kelster5@aol.com if u have any questions. My ds is 3 and my ds is 6 months old so I have varying experiences and can help if u want. Whatever u do try u mist stay consistent and try for a week or so to determine if it worksor not. Hugs! I knkw it’s tough buy once mastered you’ll all be happier and it’ll be ablip on your radar!
Im so sorry that youre having such a rough time with the sleeping :/
We actually tried CIO with our first although he didnt really cry, so much as whined and not even for very long at all (he was just over a year old) so it worked out. With our second (just under one year), we gave it a shot since he was/is wicked stubborn and had issues with going to sleep as well but after just 15minutes of out right -screaming-….we just couldnt stand to let him be so upset, made me cry too. Our third is thankfully a pretty great sleeper, so far. I completely understand the frustrations, battles, and lack of sleep, but just keep doing what feels right for YOU guys and itll work itself out. Plus once she IS sleeping better/through the night, all of these sleepless days and nights will be a fuzzy, forgotten blur and you wont have to look back and kick yourself in the butt for going against your gut. ^_^
Sorry for the story, but I just wanted to say youre not alone and to hang in there. That little cutie-buns will be sleeping better before you know it ;)
Ugh. I hope you find something that works for you and feels right.
Everyone always hears the horror stories about co sleeping. You hear about the ones who have 5 year olds in their beds, or moms sleeping in the childs room for years. But rarely ever do you hear the success stories. So hear ya go :)
I have 3 kids, 15, 14 and 3. I co slept with ALL of my kids. The eldest chose his crib around 7 months, the middle child, went to a toddler bed at 18 months, the baby co slept with us for 2 years, one day she showed interest in her bed, and she moved in without a fuss.
I’m against doing anything that feels wrong to you. There is a time for CIO and pushing them out of the nest, and it’s a lot easier on both you and the kid if your both able to have some understanding of what’s going on. Good luck. Sleep issues are tough.
I feel your pain. We wanted to try CIO with D for one night after a particularly awful stretch of him not going to sleep and not sleeping through the night. The kid can cry for 2 HOURS STRAIGHT, and probably longer but I never found out because I couldn’t make it past the 2 hour mark. We tried the intervals thing, we tried the cold turkey thing, but it was a battle of wills and he won every time because I couldn’t take it.
It DID work for him in the middle of the night though. 7 minutes is the longest he’s ever cried, but this is always after we go in and spend 15 mins rocking him. If he doesn’t go back to sleep in our arms, we put him down in the crib and walk away.
In his case, he started going back to bed on time on his own. So I have no advice for you. He’s been in his crib since he was 2 weeks old and I think that’s going to be the hardest part for you is that transition. Hopefully, once she’s used to sleeping in the crib the rest will just fall into place.
Oh and in reference to Alyssa’s comment above – D has a mirror, a Pooh bear, the elephant from Target with the rubber feet that I call Mr. Krinkles, a puppy security blanket, and a Pooh security blanket all in his crib. They function mostly to entertain him when he wakes up or when he has difficulty falling asleep, but they have never interfered.
You aren’t the worst mother at all. This stuff is hard. There are all kinds of gray in between co sleeping and CIO which is where we live All The Time. There is the reassuring every so many minutes that dwindles eventually. There is agreeing to let them cry for x amt of minutes but then getting them if it goes past that. There’s the fact that she may just be going through a rough patch and she’ll sleep on her own better on another go ’round. E STILL has times during a rough patch when he would do that exact same thing, and he ends up sleeping with me even though he sleeps in his crib the majority of the time now. It sometimes lasts a week and who knows why. We found what’s best for us is to pick something we are comfortable with and then maintain that consistency every night. Same routine, same responses to same stimuli. If he cries the desperate cry, we go to him. If it’s the “I just don’t like this!” cry, we have a limit to the amt of time we’ll let him complain. (he almost never goes past it with the not very serious cry)
I’m just sharing to let you know it’s hard for us too and letting you know our story. I think though that the crib may end up being a great equalizer b/c it helps with consistency so much better. E was sleeping TERRIBLY with me, and being consistent was so hard b/c he had so much freedom of movement. ANd now that he understands things a little better, it’s a little easier to switch from co sleeping to crib and back again if he has a bad night.
OK.. now I’m totally rambling. Been there sister! You’re doing ok! Hang in there!
p.s. His lovey and the lullaby seahorse thing have been LIFESAVERS for us.
P.P.S. Do you think white noise would help? We got a great white noise/song machine that worked wonders for E.
Barb – I forgot to mention that, we do have a white noise machine in there. :) It definitely helps her sleep through house noise.
Dear Nat, You are not a horrible mother at all. It is really hard, and sometimes we have to try different things to figure out what works for our baby and us, and sometimes what works at one point doesn’t work any more, and what didn’t work now does…It would be so nice if doing what we believe strongly in our gut to be right were also easy! I also am completely unable to imagine crying it out in our family. It just does not feel right at all for us. If this can give you any hope, my son is now 14 months old. He slept in a moses basket next to us for 6 months. Once he outgrew that, we travelled a bit and he did fall asleep by himself in a travel cot, and once we got back it all went “bad”- would not fall asleep in travel cot or crib, and was too big for the moses basket. So we took him into bed with us “temporarily” and he has been sleeping with us since. We have periodically questioned whether it is time to push more for him to be in his own bed, for him, and when he went through a period of somersaulting around the bed in his sleep, for him and for me, and I tried without premeditating about it to put him to sleep in his crib while he was crying one night…felt totally wrong. And we like having him with us. In the last month, without us making any particular change, he has started falling asleep earlier, around 7:30, and will sleep fine alone on our mattress until we are ready to go to bed (we finally just embraced it and bought a King which is on the floor). We sleep pretty well all night. In the morning, he often crawls into his crib- I took off one rail and side-car’d it to our mattress. I feel that he is getting used to it and will transition to it to sleep in time, just as all other transitions have occurred. Don’t let any person or book or whatever get you down. You are doing great.
Sleep issues are so challenging. In case you are interested in another resource, The Sleep Lady (Kim West) has a method similar to what it sounds like you are trying now. It’s kind of a phase-in approach to having your child sleep in their own crib where you start by staying right next to them and slowly, gradually, work your way out. There is still crying and I think it lasted longer than the sleep adjustment did for my friends who used CIO, but it’s another option. Good luck!
Everything will work out Nat,the first year is usually crappy sleepwise no matter what you do,so dont beat yourself up just asuming that she cant put herself to sleep and stay asleep because of something *you* did.Shes 10 months old,she´s still just a baby ;)
I have 3 kids and *none* of us had uninterupted nights or smoothe bedtimes until they were almost 4 years old.Thats just what babies/toddlers are like.Some people will get lucky and have a child that can sleep alone and stay asleep all night,but as a rule,thats not what its like kwim?
I have never tried CIO.I whine and bitch about not getting any sleep,about the hell that bedtime is,and about being a mother in general,but at the end of the day,I just couldent stand by and listen to them cry either.It wouldent feel right.
I still BF,I still co-sleep,I dont get a freakin minute to myself and yes,I sometimes freakin hate it! lol.But I dont think I could do it any other way..I dont think Id be happier kwim? There´s always something to stress about when you have kids.
You need lots of patience and you also need to be able to let things go ;) So your baby isnt sleeping all night? So she needs you before she falls asleep? Well thats basiclly what its all about all of the time.Do what works for you and your family and just forget about what everyone elses baby is doing.Honestly,you´ll be so much happier ;)
I so, so, so feel for you with the sleep issues. We’ve been down that road ourselves and wow is it SO NOT FUN. You are doing a fantastic job – hang in there.
I love reading your blog, because I believe we parent very similarly.
I never tried CIO (as much I was told I “should”, “he needs to learn” etc..
Also as you said above, it doesn’t “feel” right. That’s pretty much how I have parented our son for the last 2 years. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. You know your baby better than anyone, and you know what is right for you.
A good friend of mine with a daughter who is about to turn 2 has had sleep problems right from the beginning. She has been to see specialists, sleep schools etc to help her daughter sleep. She always refused to do CIO. When she told all of these “professionals” that she wouldn’t do it they pretty much told her it was her problem and she would have to deal with it because they couldn’t help her anymore. Last week, her daughter was diagnosed with juvenile arthritis. There was never anything obviously wrong with her until she started walking properly (when she noticed a slight limp – the arthritis is in her ankle). She is so relieved she never did CIO now that she knows there was a medical reason for her not sleeping. One week of being on anti-imflammatory medication and she is only waking once during the night rather than screaming in pain for 2 hours at a time.
Whichever path you take is a gamble. This parenting gig is hard at times!