Head back on
Well after that big post and cry-fest I felt much, much better. Kate actually slept the rest of the night pretty well. I’m still getting over this cold but I don’t feel as terrible as I did, thank goodness. I apologize in advance for this long ramble-y post, but I’m trying to work through my thoughts!
I wonder how much my mood affected Kate? I really do wonder sometimes, because she tends to throw her fits when I’m out of patience and distracted and highly irritated. I don’t know how much of that is that I’m better able to calm her when I’m calm or if she’s picking up my moods. Either way it’s rough when I’m not feeling well.
I’ve been thinking a lot about her sleeping habits and trying to sort it out.
Well first off, no teeth have sprouted and last night she was very peaceful. Not the best sleep ever, but there was no crying jags or anything. No tylenol either. (And when she was screaming those nights and I gave her tylenol, it didn’t do anything.) So while maybe teeth were bugging her, I don’t think that’s the real issue. She’s also not showing any more signs of getting what I have (thank the light).
Also, she goes to bed perfectly when she’s tired. Nap times are golden – she seriously has never napped this well in her life. I no longer nurse her to sleep, though she does nurse before bed and gets drowsy. Then I put her down on her belly, pat her bum a little, lay down beside her and sing her a song. She’ll often just reach out and hold my finger, fidget until she’s comfy, and she drops off asleep. (I’ve been working on getting her associated with falling asleep on her belly rather than in my arms, to help her settle herself in the middle of the night.) She’s been taking 2 naps a day, 1-2 hours each.
Bedtime she falls asleep the same way, easy and peaceful. She doesn’t fight me the first time, not at all. She has a consistent bedtime, though I’ll put her down a little early if she’s rubbing her eyes and whiny. The problem happens when she wakes back up. Now the frequent wake-ups have been happening for a long time, but there’s an obvious answer: she wants me. I tend to have to go in every hour to get her back to sleep. That doesn’t bother me (much) so long as she’s tired and goes straight back to sleep. Also the difference between before and the last week is that once I brought her to bed with me she’d sleep really well – she just wanted me. No problems. She’d wake up to nurse once or twice. Lately? Waking up throwing fits every hour.
But what has been happening the last few days is that she’s woken up feeling like she’s good to go, time to play. When I try to put her back to sleep she throws an utter hissy fit at me because she doesn’t want to sleep! Explains why she’s been doing it when she’s asleep alone and when in our bed. Two nights ago when she was screaming I told Den, I could be wrong but that doesn’t sound like pain, that sounds like rage.
We probably made it worse by letting her play one night. But I was sick as hell and had nothing left in the tank and we thought maybe letting her get out some energy would help her sleep the rest of the night. Even at the time I was laying there wondering if that was going to bite me in the ass later, but no manual came with this child and I just really didn’t care much beyond the pounding of my head that night. So she played for an hour with Den and then, yes, she slept. But alas, not the best of things to do.
The best sleep nights she’s had have been when we were out, busy, active, and maybe naps were cut a little short. After a day like that she tends to crash hard and sleep much longer stretches and wake only to nurse. I’ve been sick, so we haven’t been going out at all, and I haven’t been doing anything fun or exciting (unless you count blowing your nose as exciting). So I’m thinking she’s just not tired enough. She acts tired at bedtime, rubbing her eyes and putting her head on our chest, but she’s tired enough for a “nap”, not a good 12 hour stretch. I’m going to try moving up her naps a little, making sure she does NOT take an evening nap (she dropped it and then has been falling asleep in the evening again), and that her afternoon nap is early enough. Not sure how we’re going to get through the evening, but hopefully she’ll get used to it.
Also, I’m just really frustrated with people (IRL) telling me that I have to let her cry it out. It works for some people, yes. But, firstly, they don’t know my child. She’s how would you say “spirited” – the kind that would scream for 3 hours, throw up, and keep screaming. Once she gets wound up it takes a lot of effort to get her wound down. Secondly, if I’m not sure if she’s teething or having a growth spurt or getting sick, now is not the time to start letting her cry! How terrible would it be to find out later that she has an ear infection or something. And thirdly, I reject the notion that you HAVE to let a child cry in order to teach them to sleep. Yes I understand sleep associations and she wants me there with her – but I really do believe that there is a gentler way of re-teaching those associations. It takes longer, a lot longer. It’s a lot of little baby steps. But I’m the one who’s up all night, I’m the one making that choice and commitment. She’s just so little still.
<3 I hope that the sleep continues to improve.
And hey, everybody needs to do what's best for them. N is also spirited, but that meant that we basically HAD to let her cry when we did it, but two nights, and bam, she had it. But ANY method only works if it's right for the child AND for the parents. (And we "break" all sorts of "rules" and usually feed her when she wakes up in the middle of the night still. It's easier to give her some milk and put her back in bed and have her fall asleep, given that she is also a RARIN TO GO girl in the middle of the night.)
Anyhoo. At the times that you think she might be teething – have you tried ibuprofen instead of tylenol? We find that it helps us better for teeth issues, since it's an anti-inflammatory, in addition to the pain medication.
Long time reader!
First both of my girls were not great sleepers and I breastfed both for a year. That’s the quick background, I’m in no way implying one has anything to do with the other. Around Kate’s age my husband and I instituted a new plan for nighttime wake ups. Him, not me, would go and settle them down. They have no expectations with him. He would go in, rub child’s back, child would drift off to sleep. If I tried that? I would get screaming and crying for hours. They had different temptaments for me and my husband. It won’t work overnight. Den will have to do it a few nights on a row. Good luck and great job!
That always pissed me off too. I agree with the Hub going in. Has helped us a LOT. And your heart will tell you when the crying is ok and when it’s not. Don’t let anyone tell you what your baby needs. E has just recently started becoming more of a “decreaser” instead of “increaser.” And he’s just recently developed a very clear difference b/n, “HEY! WTH is the meaning of this? I want to play ALL NIGHT EVERY NIGHT, not sleep! But I’m tired!! AAAAAAAAAAHHH!” and “HELP ME MAMA!” We ALWAYS go to him with the Help me Mama. Not so much with the “HEY!” And the “hey” really doesn’t last long thank goodness. He’s also only just recently started trying to get us to do things purposefully with his cries, and that’s I think how the two cries became so much more distinguishable.
In any case, your instincts will tell you what’s right, and it will all get easier as she becomes more self sufficient.
xoxo
Have you read Moxie on tension increaser/decreasers? Cause if she’s an increaser, cio will prob not work no matter what people say. And really, we see that some nights are just better and others worse, and sometimes there’s not crap we can do about it. Like last night, he slept on the couch for two hours while we watched tv and then I went to bed with him. Absolutely wrong according to the “experts” but he slept and we were all happy. Much better than him waking up alone and crying every 45 min all night.
Don’t listen to anyone about sleeping (except all your lovely commenters)!! But anyway, I often wonder whether I am making a choice between a lot of crying on 3 nights vs. a little bit of crying every night for months/years. Either way, CIO was never the right option for us. My son J is now old enough to talk to and reason with, and I know he’s not scared at night, it’s just habit. But I think hey, he has a right to want his Mommy around at night. Unless it’s a really rough night, it doesn’t bother me. good luck.
N: So glad it worked for you! I’m going to try ibuprofen next, if I can find it. (All the store I went to had was tylenol for some reason.)
Heather: I was thinking about trying that. She doesn’t need to nurse, but if I’m in there she wants to. Maybe he’ll have more luck. I’m usually the one doing the night duty, but weekends I could try it.
Barb: Yeah, right now it’s still hard to tell, but I’m pretty good at picking up on her cues that she gives along with the screaming. She’s usually pretty clear about what she wants, lol.
Sharah: That is brilliant. That’s what I try telling people about Kate… she’s a classic tension increaser. When she gets worked up even a little bit she just escalates until it’s a HUGE mess and it takes a long time to get her settled down again. I do not like ever having to deal with getting her unwound in the middle of the night.
Deborah: I’ve been wondering the same thing… well, rather wondering if it’s a choice between a few nights of crying vs. waking up many times a night (she doesn’t *usually* cry). But exactly what you said… I feel like it’s logical that Kate would want me at night and nothing I’m doing is so important that I can’t help her feel comforted.
I actually did the Baby whisperer from really early on (as far as sleeping goes) which helped my babies learn to fall asleep on their own by about a month, a litle more. It is exhausting at first, because there’s tons of patting and shooshing, picking up and putting back down (as little as you can manage though). Also, there’s crying and there’s fussing and falling back asleep, you don’t have to rush in as soon as you hear a baby cry. if I did that I’d be in with my 14 month old many times a night on most nights. many babies cry for a minute or so, and then go back to sleep. Finally, have you given any more consideration to a crib? I just think they’re so cozy for babies, and I think it can make them feel secure.
I have four children, the youngest just turned two. I have never, and still refuse, to let my child cry it out. I think it is lazy parenting, and I don’t want my child’s last thought before falling asleep to be “I needed my mommy and called my mommy and she doesn’t care enough to come”. People disagree with me, but I just think it is mean. And no way would I let a baby cry it out. I won’t even let my 2 year old cry it out! (I don’t get her back out of her crib when she is calling me or fussing, but I do go in there to comfort her.)
my first born son’s sleeping habits and personality were very much like your Kate’s…and it got magically better as soon as he could walk and run. It was like as an infant, he couldn’t quite get rid of all of his physical and mental energy; but once he could walk, get into the things he’d been eyeing for 12 months, and go to the park and run, run, run, he was the best napper and sleeper of all 4 of my kids. It really seemed like he was irritated by the limitations placed on him based on being an immobile/semimobile baby and once he could move, he was fine!
We don’t let Angus CIO, either and never have. He sounds like Kate in that he’s very spirited and only gets more and more worked up. Even with me going in and out and in and out some nights, he still gets worked up. Even if picked up, patted, nursed again, patted, rubbed, shhhhhed, sung to, rocked, etc! I too had all the well meaning people tell me this is what I needed to do, but it wasn’t, and at 11 months, he dropped the night feed all on his own, totally out of no where and most nights now, we get a pretty good sleep (he’s 15 months now). You and Kate will find your own groove and whatever way you are doing it is the right way, as it is YOUR way.
xo
I also have a “spirited” baby. CIO worked a little, which is to say, he would never cry himself to sleep. He would cry himself hysterical, at which point I would pick him up and he would pass out almost immediately. As soon as his little butt hit the mattress he would start screaming again. What I discovered worked for this boy is a sleep sack. I have NO idea why this works, but we went from 15 minute naps to 2 hour naps when we use the sleep sack during the day. It also gives us 6 hour stretches at night. Maybe he feels more secure? He’s warmer? Who knows. But I just bought 3 more. lol