Blog directions
I am having a crisis blogger identity. 11:30 at night when the baby is asleep is very poor timing for a crisis of blogging identity, but I suppose they come when they come. So I lay here in bed staring at the ceiling and over-thinking everything – much like how I spent all my free time today fretting over whether I should get a nursing necklace from place A or place B. (No I still don’t know, and yes I have issues.)
This blog was originally intended simply to be a record of a pregnancy and raising a baby. I was going to share it with some friends, but mainly it was just for posterity. That’s not what it became. Over the past four and a half years I’ve leaned heavily on this space, both as an invaluable outlet and as a place of support, due to the IF community. So now that I’m finally there on the other side, where I intended to be years ago without much fanfare, I’m left trying to figure out how to use this space.
I have written so much of my emotional roller-coaster in the journey to get here, now it feels the roller-coaster has glided to a stop. I am happy. Simply, unquestionably happy. I keep waiting for the other stuff to come crashing in on me at any moment, but it doesn’t. Even when I think about going through IVF again in the future it no longer feels desperate, no longer feels like my only thread to sanity, to hope. Hope and joy and the future are all asleep on my lap at this very second. If I never get anything more out of life I could be content.
How many times can I say the same things? Day 53: Yep, still happy. So instead I write about my baby, my day-to-day events; I revert back to the blog’s original purpose to be a record of my child. But after all this blog has been through that feels so… divergent, trivial. Now I have readers, now I have a community I feel beholden to. Every time I start to write there I go, mentally stuttering again.
I no longer feel comfortable in my own space, and I don’t know what to do about that. I keep waiting for that weird feeling to go away, but it still hasn’t. I almost feel like I need to set up somewhere new, somewhere fresh, somewhere that is only about Kate and joy and the life we lead, somewhere that isn’t so steeped in fear and loss and sadness. But then that feels like I’d be cutting out my past, my history… my son. What I went through to get here is as important to me as where I am now. How do I balance both?
So I don’t know what to do. At the very least this space must change from how I view it in my head. I just am not sure how that needs to happen for me to reclaim it as my own again.
Of all the things to not be adjusting well to, my blogging identity seems like a rather minor thing. But here I am, spending a sleepless night trying to figure it out.
I love reading about how happy you are. You’ve gone through so much to get to this point, that you deserve a bit of “yes, still happy” in your posts.
Hope you figure out your blogging identity. I’m so happy you are happy!
I lost my daughter to full term stillbirth 18 months ago, and now have a beautiful 6 month old baby. I feel exactly the same way as you – I’m happy, which I never thought I could be after Francesca died. Devin and Francesca want us to be happy – I believe we honor them by incorporating them into our day-to-day happiness (and blogs!)
Hi,
I have been reading your blog for YEARS!! You have been through so much and are really an amazing writer as well. I think you have given alot of people hope by being so real and genuine. You don’t hold back, and I feel bad that you no longer are comfortable here. Maybe a new blog about your life with Kate would be the best option. I am just so happy for you and your family and I hope that you have a wonderful life with your daughter, whether you choose to share it here or not! wISHING YOU ALL THE BEST!
Sarrah
I had the same issue as well with my own blog when O was born.
I will reiterate what someone said to me – I think that there is a place for a story of hope – going through IF and loss and ultimately finding happiness. I think you give a lot of people hope, and I for one would miss your blogging (and pictures of Kate!) if you decided to stop.
xxx
*hugs* Whatever you do, you know I’ll be there with and for you. The big and small stuff.
I know what you mean about feeling uncomfortable in your own space, but hope (as you commented on my own blog, but a month ago *g*) that you do keep posting. It may be different, but it is still you and what you’re going through.
Why don’t you start something new – hopeful and lovely and ‘archive’ this So that if anyone wants to come and take part of your past – they can. But you can be joyful and loving in your NEW space.
I love reading your blog and hope that no matter what you decide, you take us along with you! I don’t “know” you – just through the blog, but am so happy for you!!
What if you continued to use this space and keep all of the existing posts where they are but gave the space’s look and feel an overhaul? That way, all that you’ve gone through is still here and available to you and anyone who would want to access it, but you have a bright and happy and new look to the space to let you keep moving forward with the kinds of things you want to write about these days.
Yes yes, I think you should keep all this stuff together, but give this space a new overhaul. I love reading your stuff. I love reading about how happy you are now and about Kate and seeing the pictures. I still want to keep reading. Keep us around! :)
I love the whole journey….it makes where you are now so much more meaningful and special. I found you blog about half way through your pregnancy with Kate…but I went back and read everything from the beginning so really feel like I know you. I am a fellow IVF mama with a couple early pregnancy losses in my past. Not sure I even know how to imagine a later term loss…but I have 2 dear friends who have and reading what you write helps me be a better friend to them and also understand how they feel now that they have gone on to have a child after loss (one naturally, one through adoption). I think it is totally natural that your blog will have it’s own seasons…this is the happy, blissful, parting of the clouds season…please don’t think it is not as important as the others. I rejoice in every tiny mudane daily activity you have with Kate….for you never got those with Devin and it reminds me to not take my own children for granted (even when I have been up all night with a screamer). No matter what you do, I look forward to your posts. We really are strangers IRL, but for me…I feel connected to you and only want to see your happiness continue. I will follow along just for that!
You give all of us infertiles so much hope – you got a take-home baby! For that reason and so many others, I really hope you keep blogging. I enjoy your voice, your writing style. And I enjoy celebrating Baby Kate with you!
I agree with so many others about how wonderful your blog is. I hope you do continue or at least if you start somewhere new,direct us to it. I want to see Kate’s 1st birthday! I know she will be an ADORABLE toddler!
All I can say is that I know exactly how you feel. it is funny how we are going through the same stuff at the same time, after all we’ve been through since I fisrt met you.
I am interested in the nursing necklaces and what you are looking at- I was just looking online for them before I decided to visit blogland. if you don’t mind, I would love for any online store suggestions for them to my email.
As far as identity- I am impressed you can even find time blog.
I’ve been reading your blog for a couple of years now, though I’ve mostly lurked.. just wanted to say now that I still love reading it, I’m so happy that you’re happy and I think it’s amazing to read about all the little things (as I don’t know anyone with a baby), so I do hope you’ll keep writing :)