I had just told my BIL and SIL how much Kate hates her bouncie seat, but loves her swing. We were over there for the evening and Kate was very hot, sweaty, and was having troubles napping so they brought out their daughter’s old bouncer so we could at least put her down and let her cool off. Wouldn’t you know it, she chilled out for a while and fell asleep. Den and I stared at each other in surprise. “Their bouncer is different than the one I got her, I wish I’d chosen a different one,” I said. But the next day I brought out her bouncer from the corner it has been stashed in for the last two months, since she would wrench up her face and wail every time I dared to put her in it. And I think here’s the key: I took out the newborn headrest. I sat her in it. And she looked around, smiled for a while, and then dozed off, while I looked on in amazement. Today again I put her in it, and she is hanging out beside me while I sit at the computer. Wow. This gives me one more place I can put her down for 2 seconds while I run and do something… or just give my arms a break. And it’s progress.

The past few days she’s also slept for over an hour in her swing. She’s always liked her swing, but had gone on a bit of a strike for several weeks, being happy in it for only a few minutes at a time and never sleeping.

Little bits of progress, little signs that she is changing, growing. I am proud that she is learning that it’s okay to sit by herself for a little while. She now knows I get her as soon as she’s done.

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Today during play time I sat her on my lap and held a toy in front of her, within her reach. She has shown little interest in the toy when dangled overhead, she’d rather stare at her black and white shapes or the radiator. But sitting in my lap she has a different perspective so I figured I’d try it. Her hand hit it by accident the first time as she flailed around like she often does. But then her movements seemed to have more purpose to them, her hand smacking the toy again. Little fingers clasped and unclasped, sometimes grabbing the soft, crinkly fabric of the toy, sometimes grabbing nothing but air. It was like watching a mini exploration on a foreign planet with a primitive hit-or-miss mechanical robot arm. Such a simple thing, such a simple toy, and yet so fascinating. I said nothing much, just held her upright and let her take in these strange new connections she was making.

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I thought I would be more sad that she’s not so much a newborn anymore. She was so teeny-tiny, so perfect, so adorable; I wanted to keep her just how she was. Now I’m nearly 2 months down the road and I can’t get over how amazing she is. She somehow looks even cuter now, I didn’t think that was possible. She’s easier to carry around now that she can hold her head up pretty decently, and she doesn’t feel so frail and breakable. She’s developing a personality and we’re starting to see little glimmers of the person she will become.

I cuddle her all the time. We sit in the rocking chair for long hours, something somewhat boring on TV that I am ostensibly watching, but really I am just brushing my lips lightly across her warm, soft head and letting the weight of her sink into my arms. She makes little whimpers as she sucks on her pacifier, little sighs as she relaxes and sinks into sleep. I rock her gently, my cheek against her forehead, existing simply to be her safe place, her comfort. I could sit there for hours… and often do.