My ultrasound is tomorrow morning and I feel a lot calmer than I expected to. I’m resigned to What Is, but not in a negative way. I think I’m learning how to let go a little – to just let the possibilities be until life shows you what path it’s on. Tomorrow isn’t THE answer, but the first of many. I have hope – but it’s a very reserved hope.

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Today I was describing to my therapist what my new mondays consist of, since I am not working at a client’s office like I had been for months. I set my alarm so I won’t sleep all day, I get dressed, I eat, I shower, then I set my laptop up in my light, bright living room and get caught up on emails, phone calls, friends. Then I go to work for a couple of hours to get caught up and set my to-do list for the next day. And then I have my acupuncture appointment before going home and relaxing. I told her how much I love it, how I start my week with a deep breath, start on the right foot.

“Natalie,” she said to me, “I think you’ve learned how to relax!”

My next thing to think about is how to extend my routine and feeling of peace through the darker months, when I have weeks of no sunshine to bask in. This is my first step, and an important one, but now I need to figure out how to achieve it when the conditions aren’t perfectly ideal. And that has always been the hard part.

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I am so damn happy to be off the pill. Everyone says how horrible lupron is – I don’t notice the lupron! But the birth control… oh my. I have felt like a veil was lifted from my head since I stopped those pills. I felt so angry, so frustrated for no reason. Now I feel so much less burdened. I feel like myself again.

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I called my acupuncturist’s new office and booked a massage with the [male] massage therapist for Saturday. So Saturday I have work, then an hour of acupuncture, than an hour massage. Awesome. I hope this massage therapist works well for me.