I do love going to my grief group, but at the same time I need to take a deep breath when I leave. It is comforting to my grieving self, but a little terrifying to my trying-to-conceive-again self. When the time comes that I am pregnant again I am going to need to find a way to compartmentalize, so as not to let paranoia completely take me over. I will need to return to the land of “normal” – well, as normal as I can ever be, now. Unfortunately I can’t join that world of eager pregnant chit-chat until I am actually pregnant (and even then, maybe not). So I straddle the world of grief, edging my way to keeping one foot in, one foot out. The problem is, right now I don’t have anywhere to stand.

::

I talked with my SIL a little today. She saw my update on facebook and was asking me questions about my cycle. “As much as you’ve been through,” she said, “It’s still a little exciting. It’s… hope.”

Hope indeed.

::

I got there early this morning, time to get blood drawn before they were calling anyone back for ultrasounds. It wasn’t long before I was in an ultrasound room, waiting to be seen. I was eager to see what was going on inside, but not very tense about it. She immediately reassured me that everything looked good. I was distracted by relief so my notes are kind of spotty, but I had 9 follicles on my right ovary and 8 on the left. The biggest ones measured 10/11mm in size, and there were no tiny ones hanging around – they were all of a pretty consistent size. Lining looks fine.

This may be one of my smallest stims yet – I really appreciate that they’re all the same size and not one side more than the other, but I admit I’m a tiny bit disappointed I have under 20 follicles. Even with this menopur-only protocol I can still expect only around a 30% maturity rate, and less total eggs means that I’ll more than likely end up with less embryos than last time. All we can hope for is that a smaller stim and the acupuncture will make better quality, more mature embryos. I know, all I need is one good one – I got pregnant with Devin after a devastating cycle with only one embryo, I should know. But there still feels like there’s a buffer with more embryos – more to freeze, more chances to take. I have to constantly remind myself that my goal right now is 2 great embryos to transfer. Frozen embryos are extra.

I go back in on Saturday for another check-in with the ovaries. Judging by their size today and my past performances I’m leaning towards it being a Sunday trigger/Tuesday retrieval, but it could just as easily end up being a Wednesday retrieval. Saturday will tell the tale. It is also the ultrasound I am most worried about – my major overstimming was not apparent until my second scan when all the little ones popped up. So if I can get through Saturday safely then I’ll… start worrying about retrieval and number of eggs. Yeah, this worrying thing just never stops.

In less than a week I’ll be done with retrieval. Which both seems soon when I look at a calendar, and very far away when I feel my ovaries. The ultrasound tech did mention to me that having surgeries can result in being more sensitive to the pressure and other physical sensations during stims. I realized this is indeed my first stims cycle since my laparoscopy and tube removal.

I meditate to the image of my ovaries being strong and carrying the burden. I am thankful for my body and what it can do, even under such physical and emotional pressure.